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Old 2010-11-07, 07:28   Link #281
alviam099
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He/She should really continue it ... It filled my boredom really fast

I'm going to make my own too but I won't make it very long
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Old 2010-11-08, 14:51   Link #282
Tiresias
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Huh. I never thought that one-shot would interest others.

...

I can try to expand it, I guess. Already had some ideas, but still gonna have to start replaying both games, though. Oh well, not a bad way to spend time waiting for Chaos Theory
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Old 2010-11-09, 00:28   Link #283
Moczo
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Well, far be it from me to keep you waiting too long, Tir

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Six:


Spoiler for Author's Note:

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-11-09 at 12:07.
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Old 2010-11-09, 01:16   Link #284
GDB
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
The prospect of breakfast seemed to cheer her up, though. And to make matters even better, Sakura arrived right on time to ensure that breakfast was up to her exacting standards. And best of all, Fuji-nee never showed up at all, for some reason! It made things easier.
Maybe I'm just remembering things incorrectly, but weren't Sakura and Fuji-nee sleeping in the guest house? And Saber had to sneak out in order to go on a scouting mission with Shirou?

To quote for reference from part 3:
Quote:
It had been a long day, but they had eventually managed to come to a reasonable term for their living arrangements. Saber would be staying in the guest room, much to her annoyance, but Sakura and especially Fuji-nee had been painfully insistent. And so Shirou found himself hosting a slumber party.

Still, at least Taiga and Sakura were apparently both deep sleepers, because according to Saber they had not reacted in the slightest when she had gotten up and left the room to find Shirou. (She was half-right... Taiga had indeed just kept on snoring. Sakura had winced and bitten her lip so hard she nearly drew blood at the implications of the Servant leaving in the middle of the night).

Quote:
Shit, I am on a date with a little girl! How the Hell did that happen?
Absolutely love it. I can see his reaction, Taiga-style, while a bunch of middle-aged women walk by whispering. As Ilya and he make more of a commotion, even more people start taking notice, until Shirou starts glancing around in a panic.
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Old 2010-11-09, 01:20   Link #285
Moczo
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
Maybe I'm just remembering things incorrectly, but weren't Sakura and Fuji-nee sleeping in the guest house? And Saber had to sneak out in order to go on a scouting mission with Shirou?

To quote for reference from part 3:
... damn, you're right. Ah, well, that's why I post these things here first...

I'm too tired to change it right now. I'll take care of it and any other needed corrections in the morning.


Quote:
Absolutely love it. I can see his reaction, Taiga-style, while a bunch of middle-aged women walk by whispering. As Ilya and he make more of a commotion, even more people start taking notice, until Shirou starts glancing around in a panic.
Hee, glad you approve. It sounded funny in my head.
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Old 2010-11-09, 01:44   Link #286
GlancingReverse
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...Oh, Shirou.
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Old 2010-11-09, 03:36   Link #287
Tiresias
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Well, far be it from me to keep you waiting too long, Tir

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Six:
Don't worry Shirou, she's actually older than you!

But seriously, looking at his interactions with Saber, Sakura and Ilya, I can't help but think...is this the super secret Harem route?!

Quote:
Spoiler for Author's Note:
Sure. Of course. Total co-winki-dink, right? *winks*
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Last edited by Tiresias; 2010-11-09 at 04:04.
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Old 2010-11-09, 04:19   Link #288
Argent Solbright
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Well, far be it from me to keep you waiting too long, Tir

Spoiler for Chaos Theory, Chapter Six:


Spoiler for Author's Note:
You just rob the 1 hour spare time have to sleep, you know that!? Well, It's not like I'm unhappy . Saber is going to be really really angry at him.

BTW, Tiresias, I just realized we live in the same city.
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Last edited by Argent Solbright; 2010-11-09 at 04:55.
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Old 2010-11-09, 06:01   Link #289
Tiresias
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Spoiler for Chaos Theory:


Right. Now this is just...odd. I don't think that it would be the case (the mere thought of it made me laugh like crazy), but i'm gonna ask anyway: she's not gonna be a chekov's gunman, would she?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Argent Solbright View Post
BTW, Tiresias, I just realized we live in the same city.
Really? Then I guess you're also enjoying this warm, lovely, totally-not-raining afternoon?
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Old 2010-11-09, 07:14   Link #290
alviam099
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Off-topic: Where do you live ?

Amazing Chaos Theory as usual it's just that im inactive at forums here but I read your Chaos Theory it's nice really
I'll rally to Type-Moon Shirou is a lolicon, pedo, what more ?? Oh well I'm just kidding I'm far at Japan
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Old 2010-11-09, 09:03   Link #291
Moczo
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First and foremost, I rewrote the scene GDB noticed I screwed up on, along with other assorted minor changes and corrections. As always, point out any other screw-ups you spot and I'll get 'em fixed; I'm probably going to post the chapter to FF.net on my lunch break, so you've got about three and a half hours. Are you up to the challenge?!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
Don't worry Shirou, she's actually older than you!

But seriously, looking at his interactions with Saber, Sakura and Ilya, I can't help but think...is this the super secret Harem route?!
... Potentially. Let's put it like this: Depends on if I feel the Ilya romance is flowing naturally out of their interactions or not. Right now I feel pretty good, they seem to get along naturally. But, well... the other option is pretty much this.


Quote:
Sure. Of course. Total co-winki-dink, right? *winks*
Not a total co-winki-dink... in fact, she sort of suggested that scene as a way to get them to start bonding a bit. But I always was intending Rin and Sakura to be closer in this story than in canon. Just... just not, er, Into the Rain levels of closeness, if you know what I mean.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
Right. Now this is just...odd. I don't think that it would be the case (the mere thought of it made me laugh like crazy), but i'm gonna ask anyway: she's not gonna be a chekov's gunman, would she?
... Well, as much as I love the thought of Taiga as an avenging Magus, I don't think even I could pull that one off. At least not in an even borderline-serious story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Argent Solbright View Post
You just rob the 1 hour spare time have to sleep, you know that!?
I do it on purpose.

Last edited by Moczo; 2010-11-09 at 09:14.
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Old 2010-11-09, 09:42   Link #292
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Not a total co-winki-dink... in fact, she sort of suggested that scene as a way to get them to start bonding a bit. But I always was intending Rin and Sakura to be closer in this story than in canon. Just... just not, er, Into the Rain levels of closeness, if you know what I mean.
I am slowly infecting your mind. And hey, I haven't seen anyone with legit complaints about the level of closeness Rin and Sakura have reached with Into The Rain. At least, not yet, anyway. Problems might come up soon since I've firmly decided to stay off the beaten threesome path.

On-topic of Chaos Theory, Saber's overprotectiveness reminded me of UBW and made me chuckle, and it's nice to see even Archer is just a tad worried. The Ilya/Shirou scenes were sweet, especially with Ilya at first stumbling over how to approach him, and then Shirou freaking out because it looked like he was on a date with a little girl! Oh, Shirou, if only you knew how old Ilya truly was and how mature she can act when she puts her mind to it...

Also, no surprise, I rather liked the Rin/Sakura scene, particularly how Sakura still seemed delighted to know Rin was concerned, and Rin was all "Hmm, I suppose I can keep an eye on Sakura because she's related to Shinji, and not in any way because I'm worried about her."
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Old 2010-11-09, 10:20   Link #293
Argent Solbright
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiresias View Post
[SPOILER="Chaos Theory"]
Really? Then I guess you're also enjoying this warm, lovely, totally-not-raining afternoon?
Yup. My clothes are perfectly dry and I have no need of the umbrella I forgot to carry to college this afternooon

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Originally Posted by alviam099 View Post
Off-topic: Where do you live ?
Just google it Ah well, I'm in Indonesia.
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Old 2010-11-09, 10:42   Link #294
Tiresias
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
... Well, as much as I love the thought of Taiga as an avenging Magus, I don't think even I could pull that one off. At least not in an even borderline-serious story.
Oh thank God

Quote:
Rin watched her go with a confused expression. Something was up there, she knew it. Maybe she should keep a closer eye on Sakura for a few days? She... she her training said 'no'. She had enough to worry about as it was. But... well... she could always justify it by saying that any Matou was worth watching if Shinji was a Master, couldn't she?
I don't think there's supposed to be an extra she
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Old 2010-11-09, 11:29   Link #295
Ricky Controversy
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*Strolls in dressed like a bigshot director* MOCZO! Moxy, baby, sweetheart, can I call you Moxy? Great, Moxy. I'm lovin' ya, the world's lovin' ya! Listen, just a few things I want to say, Moxy baby, darling.

Enjoyed the chapter a great deal: Shirou got well and thoroughly Ilya'd. That scene was quite heartwarming, even if Shirou is completely screwed as a result of losing track of time.

I think your characterization is good all-around so far. Shirou, Kotomine, Gilgamesh and Rin stand out as the better examples, but there really hasn't been any portrayal I'd complain about.

I notice that your descriptions, or your detailed ones, at least, are sparse. This might be a problem in some cases, but it feels consistent with the rest of your writing style, which is to say 'fast and loose'. Because time tends to compress in your writing when there isn't some essential dialogue happening, the lack of detail seems more appropriate. There's a definite sensation of motion this way.

As for criticisms:

I are disappoint that you didn't use any of the perfectly appropriate titles I suggested for the chapter! Hidoi, desu ne~?

There are some redundant redundancies which are redundant in your writing, making redundancy.

Quote:
He turned and left the main chapel, walking through a back door and descending the steps into the crypts below the church. Ignoring the soft moans of the... things... entombed within, he said to the darkness, he said, "Well? What do you think?"
Quote:
Sore, certainly, and it was hard to walk, he admitted. But he could walk
Either "But he could." or "But he could walk." would feel better.

Quote:
In essence, there was not much sleep at the Tohsaka Manor that night.

-next scene-

In essence... Saber could hold a grudge surprisingly well.
This isn't so much a direct redundancy as it is a redundancy of impressions. The phrase 'in essence' is one that, especially when used for emphasis as you've used it, sticks out in the mind, so reading them so close together felt a bit repetitive. I'd suggest dropping one, or finding an alternative way to say one. Keep an eye out for things like this.

Other concerns; you use ellipses a lot. Including situations where there's no need for one. A prime example is a situation like this one.

Quote:
"Nothing like that." Shirou said, taking a deep breath. "... all right.
The ellipsis in dialogue is in the general sense meant to suggest a wordless pause, but we already have the description of Shirou taking a deep breath in between the first sentence and what follows, so such a pause is already laid out for us. Now the following comment only applies if you want to get really specifically accurate in your use of the ellipsis, because--

Quote:
"No. Not as I am. So I want you to make me better.Please... teach me how to fight, Saber!" He pleaded, bowing to her as he said it. " I know I'll never be able to beat a Servant by myself, but... maybe with your help, I can at least survive without you for a little bit!"
There's not a conflicting description here, but if you want to be real precise, the pause an ellipsis is meant to indicate is one that follows trailing off. The three periods suggest that instead of a single full stop, the words gradually fade out. For pauses or breaths during the normal course of speech, commas and periods are you go-to markers. In situations like the bolded ones above, I'd replace the ellipses with commas.

Any line of dialogue that is JUST an ellipsis or ellipses is one that doesn't need to exist. The absence of dialogue is a clear indicator of the silence you're intending.

One last thing: if you find yourself feeling yourself trying to describe the implications of dialogue in the narrative, then consider why. Ideally, dialogue should not need any further justification than "x said" or "y said."

Good work, keep it up.
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Old 2010-11-09, 13:16   Link #296
Moczo
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First of all, new chapter is up on FF.net right here, folks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I am slowly infecting your mind. And hey, I haven't seen anyone with legit complaints about the level of closeness Rin and Sakura have reached with Into The Rain. At least, not yet, anyway. Problems might come up soon since I've firmly decided to stay off the beaten threesome path.

On-topic of Chaos Theory, Saber's overprotectiveness reminded me of UBW and made me chuckle, and it's nice to see even Archer is just a tad worried. The Ilya/Shirou scenes were sweet, especially with Ilya at first stumbling over how to approach him, and then Shirou freaking out because it looked like he was on a date with a little girl! Oh, Shirou, if only you knew how old Ilya truly was and how mature she can act when she puts her mind to it...

Also, no surprise, I rather liked the Rin/Sakura scene, particularly how Sakura still seemed delighted to know Rin was concerned, and Rin was all "Hmm, I suppose I can keep an eye on Sakura because she's related to Shinji, and not in any way because I'm worried about her."
No chance at a threesome? I don't mind, but I have to say I see turmoil in your future.

Thanks! The Shirou/Ilya portions were what I was most worried about, and I'm glad they seemed to have gone over well. And of course, this is just the beginning... he's got a lot to learn about the dear lady Einzbern. So, so much.

Well, I'm glad you liked that considering I basically threw it in because you suggested it. If the person who makes the request doesn't enjoy it, then it's safe to say I've done something wrong...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy View Post
*Strolls in dressed like a bigshot director* MOCZO! Moxy, baby, sweetheart, can I call you Moxy? Great, Moxy. I'm lovin' ya, the world's lovin' ya! Listen, just a few things I want to say, Moxy baby, darling.
Why am I filled with a nameless fear?

Quote:
I think your characterization is good all-around so far. Shirou, Kotomine, Gilgamesh and Rin stand out as the better examples, but there really hasn't been any portrayal I'd complain about.

I notice that your descriptions, or your detailed ones, at least, are sparse. This might be a problem in some cases, but it feels consistent with the rest of your writing style, which is to say 'fast and loose'. Because time tends to compress in your writing when there isn't some essential dialogue happening, the lack of detail seems more appropriate. There's a definite sensation of motion this way.
Good, good. Glad to hear I'm doing the characters well, that's the most important thing.

Yeah... especially now, when I'm trying to burn through the stuff everyone already knows, getting to the story I really want to be telling. Besides, I often find it best to skimp a little on the details. Let people's imaginations fill in the blanks, y'know?


Quote:
As for criticisms:

I are disappoint that you didn't use any of the perfectly appropriate titles I suggested for the chapter! Hidoi, desu ne~?
Well, I considered it. But then I realized that they were horrible and marked you as a horrible person.

Quote:
Other concerns; you use ellipses a lot. Including situations where there's no need for one. A prime example is a situation like this one.

The ellipsis in dialogue is in the general sense meant to suggest a wordless pause, but we already have the description of Shirou taking a deep breath in between the first sentence and what follows, so such a pause is already laid out for us. Now the following comment only applies if you want to get really specifically accurate in your use of the ellipsis, because--

There's not a conflicting description here, but if you want to be real precise, the pause an ellipsis is meant to indicate is one that follows trailing off. The three periods suggest that instead of a single full stop, the words gradually fade out. For pauses or breaths during the normal course of speech, commas and periods are you go-to markers. In situations like the bolded ones above, I'd replace the ellipses with commas.
Ah... yes... I... see... what... you... mean. I... will... try... to... restrain...
...

...

...

...

... myself.


Quote:
One last thing: if you find yourself feeling yourself trying to describe the implications of dialogue in the narrative, then consider why. Ideally, dialogue should not need any further justification than "x said" or "y said."
Well, if I really consider why, it would be, 'Because I am not being paid to write this, so I write it how I feel comfortable rather than what might be more technically correct'. But I see your point, and I'll consider it.
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Old 2010-11-09, 13:43   Link #297
GDB
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
Why am I filled with a nameless fear?
I assume it's the same feeling you get when someone says "No offense, but..."; you just know the most offensive thing possible is about to be said.
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Old 2010-11-09, 14:07   Link #298
Haak
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"Sakura? If Shinji was involved, he couldn't discount the possibility she was too."

So can we assume this is definitely not going to end up with a ShirouxSakura pairing?

I honestly have no complaints for this one. Just about everything seemed perfect. The comedy was just great.
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Old 2010-11-09, 14:10   Link #299
Cherry_Lover
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Originally Posted by Moczo View Post
... Potentially. Let's put it like this: Depends on if I feel the Ilya romance is flowing naturally out of their interactions or not. Right now I feel pretty good, they seem to get along naturally.
To me, they're still coming across as just big brother and little sister. Not to mention that this chapter really shows the problem with attempting to produce an Ilya/Shirou relationship/

Quote:
But, well... the other option is pretty much this.
I like this option....

Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Problems might come up soon since I've firmly decided to stay off the beaten threesome path.
What do you intend to do with Shirou, then?

I mean, the threesome would be the obvious route, since both Sakura and Rin do love him and, as much as Rin might be falling for Sakura, she does need an heir at some point, plus I can't imagine Rin being able to get over the whole "but she's my sister" issue sufficiently for them to get into a long-term relationship, whereas I can probably see her being able to justify it with "well, if Shirou wants us both, then who am I to deny him that option...".

Quote:
Rin was all "Hmm, I suppose I can keep an eye on Sakura because she's related to Shinji, and not in any way because I'm worried about her."
Yeah, that's just such a Rin thing to do....
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Old 2010-11-09, 14:32   Link #300
Haak
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I think an IlyaxShirou pairing is possible if Ilya starts to act more maturely more consitently. It worked for Hagu from Honey & Clover.

Though to be honest, like Cherry Lover, I would prefer it if Shirou and Ilya had a close sibling relationship.
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