Dating

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Mystique

- I think Ledgem was the only one who caught onto that tbh...

I thought I was an unobservant one? You Brits sure are fickle! (Or maybe just the British ladies... Kakashi seems pretty steady ;P ) Just poking fun...

Originally Posted by Samari

No we didn't go the full distance. I don't I would have let that happen. As far as the actual incident goes, yeah I guess you can just consider me too "nice" of a guy.

I guess you changed your alias, but I recognize that avatar and signature - it's good to see you back on the forums, especially in this thread. I don't think you need to feel guilty over what happened, because it doesn't sound like you took advantage of her - if anything, it sounds like maybe it was the other way around Girls might see it differently.

Either way, the general advice, as you probably know already: if she just recently broke up, don't jump into a relationship with her. If she wants to be friends and it slowly escalates to something romantic, cool. If you immediately jump into a relationship then there's a good chance that you're being used as a rebound and/or she's still confused and thinking of her ex-boyfriend. Nearly every girl I can think of still isn't over someone, and it's either the very first guy they dated or the most recent one. Let her put some temporal distance between them so that she can establish what's important to her. It's the best way to protect yourself from being hurt.

Once again, welcome back.

[Reckoner]

Originally Posted by Zoned87

Relationships are a waste of time, and 9 out of 10 times they end in disaster.

The time is better spent trying to improve your own life and living situation.

I have an interesting story regarding this...

A couple weeks ago a girl who I did not even know in my school confessed to me. I responded with something like the following: "I'm sorry, but I find relationships fruitless, especially at this age, when the goal is not something long term. Seeking my companionship for the rest of this senior year, or just school life as a means of ridding one's loneliness results in a general complacency between me and the interested party that makes me feel like I wasted my time, money, and emotion."

After she digested the information for a couple seconds, she proceeded to slap me and call me a jerk saying, "How can you be like that?", though I certainly was very expectant of the result. Even if it was someone I knew well and I thought was pretty and I was potentially interested in her, I still believe I would respond the same way.

I certainly hope I am not taking away from myself in life by having this attitude, since I am pretty sure that I will at least try to refrain from relationships until I have a stable job after college (And that could mean that I will be in my late 20s by then).

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Reckoner

I certainly hope I am not taking away from myself in life by having this attitude, since I am pretty sure that I will at least try to refrain from relationships until I have a stable job after college (And that could mean that I will be in my late 20s by then).

I think you're taking away from yourself. Aside from the somewhat meaningless argument about how experience in relationships is important and you'll be far behind the rest of the curve at that point (which has some merit, but not much), why deny yourself the pleasure of loving and being loved by someone?

In high school I never dated. No girls confessed to me (well... sort of), and I was shy as hell and wouldn't confess to anyone or allow myself to be drawn into relationships, either. What was the point? After high school I would likely go to a university far from where they were. My grade had roughly one hundred people with a nearly 1:1 ratio of males to females; I didn't believe that my soul mate could exist within this group of 50-some girls. Dating would truly be meaningless. I'd meet tons of girls in the university setting and my chances of finding someone who was truly a good match for me would be there.

I don't think I lost anything by not dating in high school, or even middle school (which was when some people started). Not wanting to date until you're well-established in your life is somewhat respectable and noble, but times have changed. You may not be fully independent until you're in your late 20's or early 30's. You may not be in a position where you can easily meet people in a casual setting, or you may not have the time and freedom to date casually.

I met my one-and-only as an undergraduate. I met a lot of girls as an undergraduate, but only dated twice. If I came out of it single I think I'd still be able to meet people, sure. But now I'm a graduate student, and from what I see it'd be much harder. More people are already taken (generally engaged/married - no chances of waiting for them to become available anymore), more people are busy, people are no longer looking to meet new people with the intent of making friends. But maybe my view is skewed, because now I'm no longer looking to acquire and max more social links, either. It likely varies from institution to institution, and with various groups of people.

Either way, I can fondly look back on my undergraduate years and not feel much regret at all. I didn't seize every chance I had, but I took enough that I grew and experienced to the point that I'm very content. Isn't there some famous quote about this? Something along the lines of "when you look back, you'll feel more regret about the things you didn't do rather than the things you did." Don't limit yourself.

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Isn't there some famous quote about this? Something along the lines of "when you look back, you'll feel more regret about the things you didn't do rather than the things you did." Don't limit yourself.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Good post.

[Vexx]

Originally Posted by Reckoner

I have an interesting story regarding this...

A couple weeks ago a girl who I did not even know in my school confessed to me. I responded with something like the following: "I'm sorry, but I find relationships fruitless, especially at this age, when the goal is not something long term. Seeking my companionship for the rest of this senior year, or just school life as a means of ridding one's loneliness results in a general complacency between me and the interested party that makes me feel like I wasted my time, money, and emotion."

After she digested the information for a couple seconds, she proceeded to slap me and call me a jerk saying, "How can you be like that?", though I certainly was very expectant of the result. Even if it was someone I knew well and I thought was pretty and I was potentially interested in her, I still believe I would respond the same way.

I certainly hope I am not taking away from myself in life by having this attitude, since I am pretty sure that I will at least try to refrain from relationships until I have a stable job after college (And that could mean that I will be in my late 20s by then).

... Even if you spend only five happy moments with someone chatting on a bus, your life is bit richer for having known them. 30 years, 30 minutes... ALL relationships are temporary and transient and therefore precious.

Having a stable job (what the heck is that anymore?) is a great idea if you're going to enter a partnership with someone (resource sharing, etc) but it doesn't really have much to do with having a nice mesh network of comrades or people you love.

"makes me feel like I wasted my time, money, and emotion." .... yeah, that's what probably got the slap going - you basically said she was worthless. You'd have been better off just saying you were "focused on academics and preparing for a career so thank you I appreciate it but no".

[Eczema]

Agree with Ledgem. Even if it won't last, why not just have fun for the time being and gain some experience?

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Vexx

... Even if you spend only five happy moments with someone chatting on a bus, your life is bit richer for having known them. 30 years, 30 minutes... ALL relationships are temporary and transient and therefore precious.

Having a stable job (what the heck is that anymore?) is a great idea if you're going to enter a partnership with someone (resource sharing, etc) but it doesn't really have much to do with having a nice mesh network of comrades or people you love.

"makes me feel like I wasted my time, money, and emotion." .... yeah, that's what probably got the slap going - you basically said she was worthless. You'd have been better off just saying you were "focused on academics and preparing for a career so thank you I appreciate it but no".

Yeah, Vexx kinda hit the point on what I've bolded, I feel sorry for her. It takes a lot of courage to admit to someone how they feel, so refusals are tough at best of times, but that was a emotional slap in the face and probably her confidence completely trampled on too, so harsh.
I feel like you should apologise to her. *girl rally*
At least to explain that rather you're not looking to get with anyone at this point in your life, just that you explained that really badly earlier and you do appreciate the guts it took for her to confess to you how you feel.

There's being honest, and then there's learning how and when to use tact in a sensitive situation such as this.

As for wasting time, emotion and money, then why are you studying? Why are you at school? You have goals, but who says you're gonna achieve them? Who says something tragic can't happen to you that totally changes, your life, in which your goals are no longer attainable, then everything up til now would be a waste of time, effort, emotion and money, correct?
How do you know that going with this girl wouldn't open doors to experiences which will benefit you in ways you cannot even begin to fathom now?
You don't.
You just assume.
By that assumption, you are limiting yourself.
You don't even have to go out with the intention of becoming bf/gf, but here is someone who is geninely interested in you as a human being; if she seems like a nice girl, why not email her or hang out in the cafe just to get to know each other for a bit. At least then you'll be knowing more about her, which will actually give you a better basis to decide if you wanna pursue it further or just cut ties rather than mental assumption.

But yeah, if you get the chance, do apologise. You're entitled to your beliefs, but it was completely tactless; that can also reflect on your personality and whatever rumours and judgements others will make from this which may come and bite you in the ass in the future.

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I thought I was an unobservant one? You Brits sure are fickle! (Or maybe just the British ladies... Kakashi seems pretty steady ;P ) Just poking fun...

Pffft, I wasn't the only one who took that seriously you know, lol. You two just seem to know each other well behind the scenes, so I pinned it down to that.
Just your lucky day ledgem.

[Reckoner]

I do take notice of why I got slapped, it was quite tactless. I did apologize to her, and explained that what was worthless to me was a meaningless relationship and not her. Of course this was not much better, but I am a very honest person to say the least.

Though perhaps you guys are right, maybe I should let myself explore life a little more. I do always bother other people for being close minded, so I probably should let myself be more open minded in regards to this.

[Vexx]

Glad to hear you followed up Just remember, nothing is permament - so go for a balance of looking ahead and "being aware of the now" with people around you.

Bleh, that sounds silly when said... but as I get older and people around me die, its obvious the "now" is important.

[mit7059]

Just ended a two-year relationship and feeling sorta empty inside. Breakup was mutual and unwanted but made necessary by a shitty situation, i.e. we don't go to the same school, never get to see each other. This was my first real relationship and I still really care for her but after a year of long distance, three and a half more wasn't realistic. It still sucks though.

[Zoned87]

Originally Posted by Mystique

On the initial basis yes, a lot of people chase the desire to be with someone and can't stand being alone rather than simply enjoying their own company and hobbies and lives first.
But 9/10 seems to be extreme no? lol
Rather think of what the relationship brought to each person's life rather than the outcome.
They're a lot of hard work, that's what pple don't realise.
After the initial rush of lust, excitement and giddiness, when years start settling in (this is based if you're livin with someone or see them almost everyday)
- Then it's for both peeps to make the extra effort to communicate, to keep things interesting, to discuss and support.
Perhaps more often than not, some element doesn't happen and thus people split or drift apart, who knows.
But you gotta try
You go into a relationship with faith that'll it work, (not just with relationships, but anything in life tbh)
Else what would be the point of living?

Money, luxary and struggling to reach the top. It's not something that many people do, but those who try become more successful in life.

The 98% who are ready to settle down between 18-25 never get anywhere in life. The sacrifice is great, but the payout is worth it in the long run.

Ask any rich old man how he got there

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

I guess you changed your alias, but I recognize that avatar and signature - it's good to see you back on the forums, especially in this thread. I don't think you need to feel guilty over what happened, because it doesn't sound like you took advantage of her - if anything, it sounds like maybe it was the other way around Girls might see it differently.

Either way, the general advice, as you probably know already: if she just recently broke up, don't jump into a relationship with her. If she wants to be friends and it slowly escalates to something romantic, cool. If you immediately jump into a relationship then there's a good chance that you're being used as a rebound and/or she's still confused and thinking of her ex-boyfriend. Nearly every girl I can think of still isn't over someone, and it's either the very first guy they dated or the most recent one. Let her put some temporal distance between them so that she can establish what's important to her. It's the best way to protect yourself from being hurt.

Once again, welcome back.

Yeah it's been a while since I've been able to post here regularly. But now you should see me posting here a lot more on a consistent basis. I'm glad to be back. I like the people here and the discussion topics for the most part.

As for the situation, I admit it is tempting not to bring things up myself...since I think I do feel for this girl...and the interaction I believe made a part of me want her even more now...the "desperate" part of my persona if you'd like to call it that. Of course, I won't let that cloud my judgment...which is why I haven't talked to her since the incident. Not because I don't want to talk to her, I just don't think it's necessary at this point in time. I wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea and think that I'm now coming after her believing there is something substantial between the two of us...since there isn't. The facts are the facts. She was under the influence of alcohol and she had ended her relationship with her boyfriend...someone told me it may have been that day even.

Hopefully she doesn't feel uncomfortable when we bump into each other at SF State again. She's a really nice girl.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Zoned87

Relationships are a waste of time, and 9 out of 10 times they end in disaster.

The time is better spent trying to improve your own life and living situation.

Well you should always be happy with yourself first...instead of relying on someone else to make you happy.

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by Mystique

xD
And so kakashi learns not to make a joke in a thread were people are giving genuine advice and taking each post seriously
- I think Ledgem was the only one who caught onto that tbh...

Originally Posted by Amray

Kakashi should also learn that there is a time and a place for jokes.

Originally Posted by othera

And yeah kakashi.. there is a time and place for everything

What are you guys getting at?

Originally Posted by Reckoner

I have an interesting story regarding this...

A couple weeks ago a girl who I did not even know in my school confessed to me. I responded with something like the following: "I'm sorry, but I find relationships fruitless, especially at this age, when the goal is not something long term. Seeking my companionship for the rest of this senior year, or just school life as a means of ridding one's loneliness results in a general complacency between me and the interested party that makes me feel like I wasted my time, money, and emotion."

After she digested the information for a couple seconds, she proceeded to slap me and call me a jerk saying, "How can you be like that?", though I certainly was very expectant of the result. Even if it was someone I knew well and I thought was pretty and I was potentially interested in her, I still believe I would respond the same way.

I certainly hope I am not taking away from myself in life by having this attitude, since I am pretty sure that I will at least try to refrain from relationships until I have a stable job after college (And that could mean that I will be in my late 20s by then).

It sure is rare for a girl to confess directly. Usually a rumor is propagated around facebook or a third party acts as a matchmaker. Apart from the missed opportunity, your response came of as vulgar and slightly asexual...
I don't think you are either of those things so be sure to evince that every time you see her. In a situation like that it's less about being honest and more to do with being respectful. I'm kind of jealous since I've always wanted a dramatic situation like that to happen to me. All *I* ever received were crummy hints from 'a friend' implying this or that girl was interested in me, but when I started paying closer attention she seemed indifferent.

Whatever happened to that patriarchal view from the 1600s that women were irrational, emotional, not good at contemplating and making decisions?

Originally Posted by Mystique

Pffft, I wasn't the only one who took that seriously you know, lol. You two just seem to know each other well behind the scenes, so I pinned it down to that.
Just your lucky day ledgem.

I have no words for Ledgem, he is simply breathtaking when it comes to understanding my jokes.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by mit7059

Just ended a two-year relationship and feeling sorta empty inside. Breakup was mutual and unwanted but made necessary by a shitty situation, i.e. we don't go to the same school, never get to see each other. This was my first real relationship and I still really care for her but after a year of long distance, three and a half more wasn't realistic. It still sucks though.

Sorry to hear about that. There are stories where people go through long periods of not seeing each other and make it, but it must be really painful. That aside, you're both young, and if it was your first relationship you might be curious. There's nothing wrong with going back later and, if she's free, seeing if you both want to try again. I knew of a couple who did that, although they broke up for a second time after trying again. Either way, give yourself a month or two and see how you feel.

Originally Posted by Zoned87

Money, luxary and struggling to reach the top. It's not something that many people do, but those who try become more successful in life.

The 98% who are ready to settle down between 18-25 never get anywhere in life. The sacrifice is great, but the payout is worth it in the long run.

Ask any rich old man how he got there

The measure of success is completely subjective. So to you success is how much money is in the bank, is it? That's fine, but recognize that not everyone feels that way. Here in research, success is based on how many papers you write and what research discoveries you make. Some scientists live and breathe their work. Are they successful in their careers? Yes. Are they well-balanced as human beings? No.

In my opinion, your own happiness should be your measure of success. Be competitive, go out and get what you want, sure - but if winning it all doesn't make you happy, then you've failed by my parameters. You only have one life. Make the most of it, and enjoy it.

Originally Posted by Samari

As for the situation, I admit it is tempting not to bring things up myself...since I think I do feel for this girl...and the interaction I believe made a part of me want her even more now...the "desperate" part of my persona if you'd like to call it that. Of course, I won't let that cloud my judgment...which is why I haven't talked to her since the incident. Not because I don't want to talk to her, I just don't think it's necessary at this point in time. I wouldn't want her to get the wrong idea and think that I'm now coming after her believing there is something substantial between the two of us...since there isn't. The facts are the facts. She was under the influence of alcohol and she had ended her relationship with her boyfriend...someone told me it may have been that day even.

I think that the most cautious advice to give would be to completely get her out of your mind and drop the idea of a relationship with her, unless you meet her again a year or so from now and something starts under completely different circumstances. A recent breakup plus alcohol-induced fooling around just doesn't sound like a stable foundation for a good relationship, which is something I think you deserve, could contribute to, and are looking for.

On the other hand, this is life. There's no rule that says you can't both agree that "we had a bizarre start, let's do this properly from the beginning again." For your emotional safety and to make sure that this isn't just a hormonally-induced thing but something from within your heart, give yourself some time - let's say 2-4 weeks. If you're still thinking about her, then you owe it to yourself to contact her. Just get together, maybe grab lunch or dinner together. What do you have to lose? Mind you, I wouldn't call it desperation if you wait it out a bit - desperation would be calling her the next day and asking if she wants to do it again (yes, some guys and some girls do this).

Originally Posted by Kakashi

I have no words for Ledgem, he is simply breathtaking when it comes to understanding my jokes.

That's the funniest joke ever!

[WanderingKnight]

@Reckoner:

Relax, man! Take it easy. I don't know you personally, but from the way you post you always struck me as a rather overly-serious person. No one's right behind you with a sword ready to cut your neck at the very sign of a mistake on your part. It's best to loosen up a bit, both for your sake and those around you.

(I might seem angry and foul-tempered from the way I post, but I can assure you I'm completely the opposite. I'm one of the guys who takes human relationships in the lightest manner possible).

I know it's best not to make mistakes, but look at the bright side: 19 years ago, my parents made a mistake, and I was born!

(But seriously, though, my mom was 17 at the time, so I probably was a mistake ).

[BOOKGLUTTON]

Originally Posted by WanderingKnight

@Reckoner:

Relax, man! Take it easy. I don't know you personally, but from the way you post you always struck me as a rather overly-serious person.

He doesn't want a relationship that's just going to create lots of drama and not bring him happiness, or at least an actual bond.

[Mystique]

uuh, glutton, why are you quoting me from something i posted in another thread that isn't related to the topic at hand in here?

please don't take my replies out of context from what I was referring to.

[BOOKGLUTTON]

Originally Posted by Mystique

uuh, glutton, why are you quoting me from something i posted in another thread that isn't related to the topic at hand in here?

please don't take my replies out of context from what I was referring to.

haha, my bad. I don't sleep much.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by BOOKGLUTTON

He doesn't want a relationship that's just going to create lots of drama and not bring him happiness, or at least an actual bond.

Since when was he a fortune teller? If he had a strong prediction or inkling that nothing good would come from it, that's all well and fine. You shouldn't jump into things just because you can. At the same time, if you don't take some risks and try new things then how can you know whether a lot of drama would be created or not?

All this talk of drama in relationships seems silly to me. The perpetuation of drama is your choice. There doesn't have to be drama if you don't play into it or allow it to continue. While I recognize that sometimes it may be out of control, I speak from personal experience. Part of the reason why things become so drama-intensive is because secretely, most people deep down enjoy it.