2016-08-21, 07:10 | Link #1 |
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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God Vessel Online [Slice of Life/LitRPG/VR/Fantasy]
art by FluffyFlower.
A honor student and a cheeky gamer join hands to beat a virtual curse that transcends into real life. Read on: RoyalRoadLegends/Wattpad/TheNovelPage/FictionPress Info: Genre: Slice of Life, Comedy, Virtual Reality, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Adventure, Kittens. Style: Light Novel-esque Warning: Strong Language Status: Ongoing Author: DarkClaymore Homepage: https://darkclaymore.wordpress.com/2...vessel-online/ Synopsis: Erika is a tall, elegant honor student and a closet gamer who is secretly obsessed with cute little critters. Mina is a short, brash girl who flaunts herself as a gamer and pays no heed to others. Normally, the two would have nothing to do with each other. But, when a virtual “Grim Reaper’s curse” afflicts Mina in the real world – everything goes to hell. The two girls form an unlikely pair as they dive into the harsh virtual reality of God Vessel Online. There, the insane characters and notorious flowers are just the beginning of their fun virtual experience that will gradually bleed into their real lives. Links: I have no plans for hosting the webnovel on my website at the moment, so you can read it on one of these websites: FAQ: Spoiler for :
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Last edited by DarkClaymore; 2016-08-22 at 13:50. |
2016-08-21, 12:45 | Link #4 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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The usual questions. Mostly applicable when the MC is male, but here we go.
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2016-08-22, 13:52 | Link #5 |
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Well, I hope I sufficiently adressed all the common questions.
Chapter 4 is out My updates will gradually slow down from now on. I aim to release one chapter every 4 days at the worst, but for now I'll probably be faster than that.
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2016-08-29, 07:45 | Link #12 |
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2015
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Chapter 8
> Erika grieves in pain and collapsed on the floor. Present tense in a past tense chapter. Dunno why but this one really jumped out at me. The first 7 chapters felt too long for introductions. Still waiting for the story to start... well, it's not so much the length but the mini arc about the MMO contest. Narratively long? Generally though, the story isn't as well written as Tsundere Android (TA). Here's a more in depth analysis for Ch8, with comparisons to TA: Spoiler:
Don't take this wrong, a close analysis like this might seem like I'm saying the entire story is written badly but this is not true. Generally, I pick the worst examples because they make the problem easier to spot. The rest of the text is better, of course. I sometimes do this sort of analysis as a way to help improve my own writing. It helps me to be aware of stylistic concerns. An area that I admit I also need work in. More general comments: It seems like you want to write this story in present tense? Certain points like the SAO reference jump out of the perspective. It stops being Erika and her thoughts and starts being about Erika and her thoughts. To put it another way, that section was in the POV of the narrator instead of the POV of Erika. That's despite showing us Erika's train of thought. See chapter 7's portion around Sophy being cute. It doesn't jump out of POV there. Descriptions and other effects (GROWL in particular) are overexaggerated? Maybe? It might be a tone you are intending, but it makes the story feel much less serious. If you were intending it to be lighthearted comedy then sure, that works I guess. But previous chapters didn't give me that impression. Or they just had a less comedic tone. Not sure.
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2016-08-29, 16:58 | Link #13 | ||||
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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@jseah: Thanks for taking your time to point all of this out. It's rare to receive a well-deserved dose of criticism through RRL.
I admit that I'm far from my comfort zone in this story, as my preference is present tense and 1st person POV. But, I learned that there are various benefits to 3rd person POV and to past tense, which I believe fit this story more. If I don't start getting used to them now, then I'll never know how to use them properly. Which is why I try my best to work with them, despite my obvious inexperience. Quote:
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2016-08-29, 18:02 | Link #14 | |||||||
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Join Date: May 2015
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But the surrounding sentences also help create the 'jumping out' effect. Just by themselves, these two don't do it. mmmm It's hard to say. Quote:
Basically, they're both light hearted, but they're not the same kind of light-hearted. Quote:
It's less pointless if the other guy is going to play GVO with her but we also know that Mina and Erika are the MCs, so the reader (read: me) cares less about what happens to this other guy. Mina's action parts are fine. She's one of the MCs, and she introduces GVO, so that's fine.
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2016-08-30, 13:24 | Link #15 | ||
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Tags |
fantasy, litrpg, slice of life, virtual reality, web novel |
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