I could not see anything but white. My eyes had opened by themselves, and all around me, with no noticeable vanishing point, was white. Anywhere I moved to, there was just white.
Then the white began to transform. It started to become static like it was a television. More and more colors started to show up until I could make out the pictures. No matter where I looked I saw the moving pictures. Here is what I saw.
It was me. And it was Haruhi. And we were each holding the hand of a small child who resembled Haruhi in a younger form. I wore a regular collard shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and black dress slacks. Haruhi wore a sunhat with a golden ribbon coming off of it. Her hair was longer than I remembered, like when I first met her, as she also wore a white summer dress along with white sandals. The little Haruhi was dressed in a pink cardigan with a white skirt.
Where were we? There was foliage all around, and pavement. There were no other people. The cages stared at us. We saw animals of all kinds.
The zoo was a harrowing place to be if one carried a heavy heart. The little Haruhi jumped up and down when she saw the snow leopard.
"Mom! Mom! Look! That one is so cute! Look at his tail!"
"I know honey..."
Haruhi bent down next to the little Haruhi with a content smile on her face, as she turned her head to me.
"He sure is."
I bent down as well so we were all looking from the same vantage point.
The noble animal sat upon a flat rock, his white head relaxed in an alert state, just staring around his cage. His prison. But in this prison, he was the boss. His fluffy tail swished back and forth on the dark colored slab of rock. I noticed the subtle black spots running through his tail, and continuing to run up through his body, ruining an otherwise perfect white coat. I wondered how this animal felt all day. Every day he awoke, he had people watching his every move. He never got to do anything for himself, because whenever he did, it turned into entertainment for others. He was trapped in his own reality. Sure, people made sure he was okay all the time, but, at least I knew, that he wasn't ok at all. He hated being confined to that cage. No matter what, he could not escape. Every move he made was in the cage, and every thought he thought was confined to his own head. I looked into the snow leopard’s eyes. The darkness in them swirled about, as I felt I was looking at despair. He never wanted this. He never asked for this. All he did was ask for a normal existence. And instead, he gets put on display for everyone everywhere to see. He suddenly became important for reasons unbeknownst to him. How could this animal ever be happy?
Just then, out of the corner of the cage came another flash of white. A separate snow leopard began to slowly walk over to the first one. I could tell by the patterns that it was a she. The female snow leopard went right up against the male one who was basking in the sun on his rock. She nuzzled his neck with her own. I saw the snow leopard’s expression change, as he suddenly seemed to carry an air of content. Ah. So that's it. He has a companion. Who cares if the world is so confined for him? As long as there is someone there to share it with, he doesn't need the freedom of being able to do what he wants. He only needs the company of the other snow leopard.
I turned and looked at Haruhi next to me. She was intently eyeing the snow leopards. The look on her face was one of the looks that girls get when they are saying "Aww" at something really cute. The same look came over me as I was looking at her. I'm really glad for you Haruhi. I don't know what I would have done if it didn't turn out like this.
I heard tiny footsteps on the pavement as I saw the little Haruhi running ahead of us.
"Look! A swan! A swan!"
I walked with Haruhi on my arm, as we both sighed and watched the little Haruhi jump around and point.
Haruhi then turned to me.
"Kyon, I'm so happy. Thank you for being able to come today."
I turned down to see her face. It was the happiest I had ever seen this girl before, and I had known her since High School.
"I am happy too Haruhi. I love to be able to spend a day with you and her."
She beamed as I grinned back. She then leaned her head into my chest as we continued to walk. Our steps were in synch, as if we were walking as one. My heart felt light, as I stared at the majestic swans on the lake beside the zoo. They were not captive at all, but still chose to hang around here. The little Haruhi was at the lakeside yelling at the swans to come closer. My eyes then went skyward, until the blue space and puffy clouds contrasted. It was a beautiful day. I then heard Haruhi's voice come from below me.
"Kyon, thank you. You are the best thing to ever happen."
I did nothing but gaze down at her beautiful auburn eyes, a smile on my face. We continued to walk further up the concrete path, the whole time watching the little child with no inhibitions. She was so pure. Everything here was amazing to her. One day she would grow, and her likes and dislikes will change. She’ll start to do her own hair, date boys, and not want to talk to me. She’ll start to run away, and want to be away from me forever. She would never thank me, or even come back. She would choose to lead her own life, and choose to let me have nothing to do with it. And what could I do? I’d let her go. I’m only her father. I’m only her protector. I’m only the one who made sure she was capable of love.
We continued to walk along together, Haruhi and I. I looked down at her as I was thinking all these things, and opened my mouth slowly to talk,
“Haruhi, why did you kill yourself?”
She sighed a little.
“Why couldn’t this have happened?”
She still did not say anything as we continued to walk along. I remembered the snow leopard, and the despair in his eyes. It was until his companion came along. Then his world became that much bigger.
Haruhi just looked back into my eyes as we continued to walk.
The static began to come again. The picture was leaving, and it was going back to a state of black and white madness. I was sad to see that picture go. After a while, the static slowed down, as the colors came back to the picture. A new picture.
I saw green. And then I saw white. There was a white wedding arch decoration. Behind it was a valley, holding what looks like a vineyard. In between the arches were a man and a woman both dressed in white, the man in a tuxedo and the woman in a wedding dress. A red carpet sprawled on the green grass leading up to the alter, as I also saw a clergyman holding a book, which I guess was the Bible. White foldable chairs were splayed on either side of the carpet, and people sat on them, in their formal wear. The bridesmaids lined up next to the bride, the groomsman next to the groom. Everything in its place.
"Will the Best man bring forward the ring?" the priest asked.
I saw the man standing closest to the groom move forward and give him a small glittering object before patting him on the back and going to his place. As he walked back, I saw his face. It looked familiar. Those eyes. His eyes were full of exhaustion. Maybe because he was the one off to the side. As I recognized who it was, I immediately knew the reason. He never got to be the center of attention. It was always someone else. And because he now watched his friend be married off in a situation he always pictured himself in, the man was sad. He was watching his dreams be lived out, knowing that he himself will never be standing there. I saw him sigh as he stood with his hands clasped, watching the ceremony as the bride and groom said their vows. He began to clap as he saw the wedding come to its climactic act of the “I do’s” and the kiss. I knew this man very well. It was me. I then saw the face of the groom. The familiar handsome smiling face looked into the eyes of his bride as they walked arm in arm down the aisle. This was Koizumi's wedding. I saw them walk down the red carpet and out the back to the reception area. There, I saw my own self standing, looking out at the vineyard. I stared at the rows of green. They were so symmetric. How could you make something so beautiful in nature be so symmetric? It was just like life. All we do is just make everything into a system. The bushes are not allowed to grow how they like, because they must be trimmed to fit people's standards. I turned around and looked at the wedding arch. The decorations on it were intricate, but all the same color. I gazed closer and saw a small ceramic angel on the side of it. The angel was smiling. Why? I wondered. What has it got to be happy about. All it could do was sit and watch others be happy, as more and more people got married beneath it. It wasn't ever going to be happy, was it? I then turned back to the party as I heard glasses clinking. I saw Koizumi and his bride come together and kiss. An involuntary smile came over my face. Koizumi was really happy. And for some reason, I was happy for him. This guy who always had some stupid shit to say to me, the guy I was always annoyed with. Here he is getting married, and I'm the best man. And I'm happy for him. I looked over at the caterer's table and saw Haruhi in her formal wear scarfing down on h'ordeurves. It's really weird that Koizumi and I are the only ones left. And we still look after her. But now Koizumi was going to have a family to look after as well. He never really did look after himself. In fact, now that I think about it, I myself could look after me a little more instead of confining my actions to please Haruhi. I turned my eyes outward to look at the golden sun disappearing behind all the dark scenery, shrouding anything close to it in light, but leaving the rest to darkness. I envy the other side of the world. I wish that at some times, the light in my eyes wouldn't shine so bright. Suddenly I felt a hand slap my back.
"Kyon, I was really glad you were able to come."
"Me too Koizumi. Someone had to be the best man, right?"
"Right, and I'm relieved it was you." We stared out at the setting sun going behind the solemn scenery. I turned to Koizumi and said,
"Koizumi, I don't think I've ever sever you as happy as you were today, and usually it's hard to tell if you are really happy or faking it. But today, it was easy to see that you are content. She really is perfect for you."
"Thank you Kyon, I feel the same way. Of course, I still have to continue my job watching over Suzumiya-san, and that gets harrowing sometimes. But getting married means I have taken a step in getting my own life back, one that I abandoned long ago."
We stayed silent for a little while after that again. The wind was slightly beginning to pick up. He then turned back to me.
"Kyon, I can't thank you enough for what you've done to help me and the rest throughout the years."
He paused as he looked into my eyes.
"Kyon, thank you. You are the best thing to ever happen."
I did nothing but return Koizumi's smile, as his happy face once again showed me that my life was not in vain.
The pictures again deformed to static, until it reached it's most primitive state of visualization before it came back with more colors, and a different scene.
A room. A bed. Two people, in a most intimate position together.
I was wearing a standard white collared shirt, no tie. I seemed to be on top of Asahina-san, as I leaned on my hands that were planted on either side of her. I bent down to kiss her.
The room was dark. The small candlelight glittered off the white plaster walls. I saw Asahina-san, lying on the bed. And over her was me. She wore a white blouse, her red auburn hair fluttered out to either side as her head rested on the bed. A look of anticipation was in her eyes. I had thought about this exact moment many a time over the years. But my feeling was completely different right now. Finally, I was acting of my own accord. This was finally my liberating action, as nothing mattered to me anymore. I was always forbidden from certain things. And I always wondered why. I never got to choose. Why were restrictions thrust upon me? I never asked for them. I never volunteered for them. And I certainly don't get rewarded for following them. I looked over to the table top to see the single candle. The candle still tried to burn out bright, but it itself knew that it couldn't last. It can't be expected to light the whole room, can it? But for some reason, other people depend on it for that. And it tries its hardest. When all its wax is gone, then what? Then the light goes out. And everyone is left in darkness, only blaming one thing for leaving them in the forbidding pool of blackness: the candle. I turned my eyes back down to Asahina-san below me, looking so very blissful.
"Kyon, I'm really grateful for you."
"Me too Mikuru. I don't know what it is about you, but when I'm with you, I feel perfectly at peace with myself."
"I feel the same way.”
She paused as I kissed her once again. The kiss of Asahina-san was the best feeling I have ever felt. It wasn’t just the physical stimulation of it. It felt like it was the most right thing that could be happening. Our lips locked together, as I felt her tongue glide throughout my mouth, our eyes closed. Then she pulled away from me, and continued what she had been saying.
“If that's how it is, why don't we make our peace be felt together?"
She slowly began to remove her blouse, unbuttoning each button one by one, slowly, never taking her eyes off of me. I could do nothing but stare at her skin as more and more of it was revealed to me. I finally saw the star birthmark exposed, as the white continued to be discarded. Soon, there were no buttons left. And now I only saw the ample bosoms of the girl I had admired for so long. She threw the blouse aside from her chest and softly caressed my neck, kissing me passionately.
I felt her love radiate through my body as the room began to heat up.
The lone candle began to flicker, letting us know that it was only a matter of time until it finally went out, leaving the room in complete shadows.
Our bodies touched together, as we caressed each other tenderly, feeling our love mold into one sensation. Both of us were naked, but I had never been more comfortable with Asahina-san, as I continued to kiss her. Finally, I felt her hands upon my face, as she raised it a little to let her speak.
I heard Asahina-san whisper:
"Kyon-kun, thank you. You are the best thing to ever happen."
I did nothing but look back into her face, as I smiled a warm smile to match hers. I then leaned back down into the darkness.
The pictures then started to flicker again before the static came back. I waited for what I would be seeing next. There was nowhere I could go, but only wait.
The whiteness of the area suddenly started to become grey. The grey progressed to black as it changed shade by the second. I could still see the moving pictures, as if they were illuminated. The static stopped completely, and a black screen shown in my face as I could see neither help nor life anywhere.
What was this? I can't go anywhere. I looked around frantically. I'm stuck in blackness now? This is impossible. I ran to the left and to the right, but wherever I went, more black consumed me. It's as if I couldn't move at all. I didn't know what to do. I felt the panic all over my body as I fell to my knees and began to tremble. Tears started escaping from my eyes, running away as if they were ashamed to know of me. Why was this happening? All the events of the past hours ran through my head again. The darkly dressed Koizumi. The crying Asahina-san. The broken snow-globe. Haruhi’s blood soaked T-shirt. The poem. The diary. The knife. Why was this happening? I never wanted things to end up like this. I never wanted to have to go through all of this. I don’t know what went wrong! How could my life had ended up in this state? I need someone… I need someone to… to help me…
My eyes were clenched shut, because at least I controlled the darkness inside of myself. Then, out of nowhere, I felt a cold stabbing on the back of my neck. My eyes shot open to see small white snowflakes falling. They were falling at such a slow pace, I was wondering if they were falling at all. They contrasted against the blackness of everything. Just as I saw the snowflakes drift closer and closer to me, I heard a voice.
"What's wrong Kyon-kun, we're going to be late."
I turned swiftly to see a silhouette against a white box, as if that person had just opened a door out of the blackness, and all that was outside was light. The silhouette stood still, looking at me. I watched it as it slowly came toward me, until the blackness shrouded it too. It held out its hand when it was a couple feet away. I took the hand, and felt the warmth. As we began to get closer and closer to the white rectangular opening, I could see more and more of the silhouette. Just as we were passing through, I saw a glimmer of purple in my eyes as the light enveloped me into a world of whiteness.
Outside the door was a landscape littered with snow everywhere. The trees were barren with no leaves, creating a distinctively winterish scene. The person in front of me is gone. I felt a tug on my sleeve, as I looked down. There I saw the one person I had longed to see for so long.
Her eyes looked back up at me, her cheeks pink with the snow falling against them.
"Kyon-kun. It will all be alright."
I was so overfilled with joy at having found her at last that I swung my arms around her and hugged her, never wanting to let the small figure go again.
"Nagato..."
Tears again ran down my cheeks as she stood there, taking my hug. I didn't ever want to change positions. I didn't care what this was. If this is a dream or reality or anything different, all I cared was that Nagato was here, and I was able to touch her, and to hold her. I could finally... hold her.
"Kyon-kun..."
I heard her sweet voice as I loosened my grip. I didn’t want her to see my red and puffy face.
"Let us walk."
She took my hand as she said this, and we walked out into the snow stricken land. We sloshed through the heavy clumps of frosty matter gradually, as Nagato led me, holding my hand. We went down the slope in front of us, until we were at the bottom, next to one barren tree, in a small valley. Nagato let my hand go.
"Kyon-kun. I'm sure you have questions."
I took a look at her. Her face was red from the cold outside, not pale like the standard robotic Nagato. Her eyes were a little softer than usual.
"Y-yeah. I do..."
"..."
A couple beats of silence followed.
"Well... ask them."
Nagato’s eyes were set on me. I realized the silence was her waiting for me to answer instead of the other way around.
"U-uh..."
There were so many things to ask at once.
"What is this Nagato? Where are we?"
"This... this is reality now."
I looked around at the landscape, while soft white flurries fluttered farther and farther down.
What?
"This is all that is left..."
Wait... Haruhi...
"Nagato... did... did Haruhi die?"
"Yes."
"..."
I already knew she was dead. I don't know why I asked Nagato this. My mind flashed back to the last thing I saw before I awoke in this place. Haruhi's face, smeared with her own blood spurting out from her own neck. Her eyes half closed, her mouth showing grief and fatigue, as she whispered to me...
Goodbye Kyon.
She had killed herself.
"Nagato..."
The girl's short hair rustled with the slight wind as snow blew past her.
"Why did... why did Haruhi... kill herself?"
"..."
Nagato looked down toward the snow, averting her gaze away from me. She didn't want to tell me. I could see it. The old Nagato could hide what she was thinking, but I knew exactly what this Nagato was thinking right now. She didn't want to answer my question. I took a few deliberate steps toward her until I was right in front of. She still looked away. I placed my hands on her shoulders, and looked straight into her face.
"Nagato."
She slowly turned back to look at me.
"Why did Haruhi kill herself?"
"For... you."
No.
Don't say it.
Don't say that.
"It was my fault."
I turned away quickly from her as she tried to grab at me.
"No. It wasn't."
I was acting without thinking now, as I turned suddenly around and grabbed her outstretched arm.
"Yes it was! It was my fault!"
I screamed right into her face as she recoiled, her eyes lowering.
"I'm exactly what Koizumi said... I'm selfish! Everything is my fault!"
I let her go, and began to walk away from her, slowly dragging my feet through the snow.
I expected to hear her call out, but all I heard was her tiny voice.
"Fine Kyon..."
"What did you say?"
"Fine."
I turned to see Nagato looking at me, gazing into my eyes once again. Her expression turned to sadness, as one tear slowly seeped out of the side of her eye, rolling down her cheek with no reserve. She put her hand up, palm out. Just as I was about to say something, her hand closed into a fist, and suddenly the snow around began to gust violently. White soon filled everything up, and within seconds, I could see nothing, but only start to feel colder and colder.
And then the white turned to static, black and white. I began to feel myself again. I wasn't cold at all. I looked down at my hands. They were still there. The static in front of me continued. I then realized that I had been watching the moving pictures again. Did that happen?
"It did."
I heard a voice come out of nowhere, with an echo, like it was talking through a microphone.
"Who's that?"
"Y'know, you really should have asked the questions you wanted to know..."
"What questions?"
"Whatever you were going to ask her."
"Is it too late?"
"Of course not. Ask away."
The voice was deep, like it was being modified or something, or coming through a loudspeaker. It had a baritone ring. I began to talk out into the air above me.
"Okay... Why did Koizumi show up when I went back in time?"
"He went to prevent you from ruining that time plane, because his job is to look after Suzumiya Haruhi. He knew from the beginning what you were going to do. He failed."
"How did he even know what was happening? How did he get there?"
"Koizumi was given the knowledge. By Nagato. He was able to travel back in time because of Nagato."
What?
"Why would Nagato want to stop me from fusing time back together?"
"Because she knew this would happen."
Knew what would happen?
"This."
I waited, but the voice said nothing more.
"How did Koizumi know where to go, and how did he show up at Haruhi's apartment without being hurt?"
"Nagato helped him. She woke him, and told him where to go, and healed him."
"But... but... she was there?"
"She was there the whole time."
...
I stood there, staring up into the blank whiteness. I wasn't even sure what I was standing on, but for some reason I could not move my legs.
"That doesn't sound like Nagato. I thought... she was in love me."
"She is..."
"Well, then why is she trying to stop me?"
"Because, she knew this would happen."
I was getting kind of frustrated at that vague answer.
"Why was Nagato in Haruhi's poems and dreams then?"
"That I cannot answer. I do not know what Haruhi thinks."
"Well, then what is it that I had to do to fuse my time planes back together?"
...
"I... cannot answer that yet either."
"Yet?"
"Yet."
Okay then.
"Why did Haruhi kill herself?"
"You already answered that."
"What?"
"Because of you."
But that wasn't me.
"I didn't want her to kill herself!"
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure!"
"Then why did you try to do everything to fuse the time planes?"
"Be... because... I wanted to go home."
I then heard the voice start to get less deep, and less phony.
"You were home."
I then realized that the voice talking was my voice. It was my own voice talking to me. I looked around my shoulder, and suddenly there was blackness. Out of the shadows I saw myself walk, toward me. Behind him was...
Haruhi. They both wore black in the same fashion that Koizumi had been wearing, black turtle neck and matching blazer. The other me started to walk in my direction. I took a few steps back.
"Wha-...W-what's going on?"
The other Kyon and Haruhi stopped. Then the other Kyon turned toward the girl standing next to him. And before my eyes, I saw Haruhi's image slowly start to fade away, and form into a new image. A new image of a person. It was Nagato.
"She was there the whole time Kyon."
The other Kyon looked at me, as Nagato began to cry again. He left her and began to walk toward me. I tried to step back again, but felt no ground beneath my foot. I toppled over and fell. I heard the splash as everything around me was dark. I began to rise up, until the force around me stopped and I could begin to breathe. I was in water. Black water. This was a black lake. The other Kyon was crouching on the bank of the shrouded lake.
"You were home all along Kyon."
He then stuck his hand out, and placed it on my forehead. I felt pressure being applied as he pushed me down under the water. What is going on? Is he killing me? Yes! He's drowning me! Help!
I stared up through the liquid as I saw him push me farther down, until I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I gasped for air, but all that filled my insides was the black water. I felt it rush through my throat and into me, as my vision continued to blur. The blackness had finally found its way inside of me. After all this time, after all the things I had done for everyone else, this was how it ended. I had stayed true for so long. And now, I was to drown in the blackness I had so wanted to avoid. I remembered the shrine, and the black water outside of it. I remember seeing my grief-stricken reflection in the water. Where was Nagato. Why was this happening. Eventually I started to actually feel like I deserved this. Good. I'm glad this water is filling up inside me. All for the better. I'm nothing but black inside anyway. Everything else outside was white and pure, and I tried to be as well. But this is what happens. And there's nothing I can do. The other Kyon's image was now just a blurred mess of black on pale. I realized I was doing this to myself. I pushed myself under the water, as I saw Nagato's image crying, her hands up at her eyes. I'm so sorry Nagato. I'm so sorry. I felt my last breath leave me, as one last thought entered my mind.
"No Yuki-rin. It won't be okay."
2008-05-24, 20:59
I fell the absence of a chapter between 10 and 11, the change is too abrupt to me.
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