Dating

[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by Hasumi

Any conventions around your area? That's what I'm going for, though I can't say I've made any progress...

As for me, pretty much nothing. Sweden isn't known for their anime cons... and even then they are of varying quality.

That said, there are other cons/events I should check out, so it is an idea...

[HasuMasu]

I don't think the convention thing is a very good idea in practice anyway, there's hardly a shortage of conventions around here so I've had ample opportunity to try...hasn't worked out so well but I figure it's most likely my best shot.

[solidguy]

Thanks guys for the legit advice . I wouldn't call me having a harem, it's pretty common to have a few 'friends', playing the field etc. where I'm from. I just feel like there's an expiration date on this certain way of life with these specific girls before feelings develop. Ofcourse I feel something for these girls, I'm not the heartless womaniser that comes to mind...I guess at the end of the day despite the advice it's up to me. MeoTwister5 I agree completely with that. Im fairly sure these girls know what the situation is, I mean I don't constantly bring it up to them but our relationships are just not at that level where we should expect...the key word commitment. Cheers guys definitely good to see peoples opinions

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

2. How the hell did you get two girls to like you that much??? I find it difficult to meet, let alone connect, with any girls ever.

Sorry if I came across as abit pretentious, I genuinely didn't mean to come across as a 'player' who casually has a harem. I worked very hard to improve my 'game' through trial and error, through embarrassment and triumph, through ups and downs. Perhaps that is why I feel abit insecure with committing to a relationship because I've been burned. There are ALWAYS people who you will be able to connect with, some people have a larger pool of people they can connect with but that can be overcome with looking alittle bit harder . Also being a 20 year old uni student does make it a tad easier for me to meet alot of new people

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by solidguy

Sorry if I came across as abit pretentious, I genuinely didn't mean to come across as a 'player' who casually has a harem. I worked very hard to improve my 'game' through trial and error, through embarrassment and triumph, through ups and downs. Perhaps that is why I feel abit insecure with committing to a relationship because I've been burned. There are ALWAYS people who you will be able to connect with, some people have a larger pool of people they can connect with but that can be overcome with looking alittle bit harder . Also being a 20 year old uni student does make it a tad easier for me to meet alot of new people

I wasn't implying you were pretentious or anything. I'm just genuinely curious. A lot of people say it just "happens", but I've waited a long time for things to just "happen", and have had nothing come of it.

I'm just curious how you met these girls, and got to where you are with them.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I'm just curious how you met these girls, and got to where you are with them.

solidguy's reply is bound to be interesting, but I just figured I'd chime in with some advice of my own. If you make friends with women you will likely be introduced to other women through them (assuming you haven't befriended a woman who strongly prefers male friends). Looking back on my experiences I think that being friends with a lot of ladies can also make you seem more attractive as a friend to other women, who will then be more likely to befriend you (perhaps because it makes you seem harmless or clearly identifies you as not being a creeper). You're probably worrying about the friend zone at this point, but don't - in my experience that doesn't seem to apply until a lot of time has passed, or until the relationship reaches a very deep point and if you don't make any effort to charm the lady or put a romantic spin on things.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

solidguy's reply is bound to be interesting, but I just figured I'd chime in with some advice of my own. If you make friends with women you will likely be introduced to other women through them (assuming you haven't befriended a woman who strongly prefers male friends). Looking back on my experiences I think that being friends with a lot of ladies can also make you seem more attractive as a friend to other women, who will then be more likely to befriend you (perhaps because it makes you seem harmless or clearly identifies you as not being a creeper). You're probably worrying about the friend zone at this point, but don't - in my experience that doesn't seem to apply until a lot of time has passed, or until the relationship reaches a very deep point and if you don't make any effort to charm the lady or put a romantic spin on things.

Making female friends is no easier! My whole social circle, and my whole work place is entirely male dominated! All my hobbies are also male dominated! The only women I come into any regular contact with is my mother, and my sister.

Maybe I need to find myself some new hobbies...

[LeoXiao]

You probably do have to change your hobbies, or add new ones. Presently the girls I'm familiar with (not that many) on a non-classmate basis were all met by going to and taking part in extracurricular events.

[solidguy]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I wasn't implying you were pretentious or anything. I'm just genuinely curious. A lot of people say it just "happens", but I've waited a long time for things to just "happen", and have had nothing come of it.

I'm just curious how you met these girls, and got to where you are with them.

Well tbh I've known these girls for quite some time. This is bound to sound cliche but I didn't go out searching to meet a special girl...which admittedly was once my mentality. I made friends and met their friends and eventually grew into multiple circles of people. As mentioned already it helps out alot if you befriend some females. In my first year of university I felt like I was stuck in a circle of guy friends who got up to boy things...which never really gave me any opportunity to meet new people (unless we go out to town etc.).
I guess the turning point for me was the late Aaron Swartz advice "when doing something for the first time act like as if everyone is doing it for the first time". Although not directly applicable to this particular area of life the ethos of the quote can help you out alot. Don't sweat the small stuff (assuming you do ofcouse), don't take dating so seriously. It really helps me when looking at it as having fun everything just becomes easier. Also don't be afraid to take charge! Chances are any girls still out there won't be very outgoing (there's a reason they are still single) and it will be up to you to be the chaser. To each their own of course but after a while I found this approach isn't too bad

[DonQuigleone]

I know what you mean about "not being too serious about it", but I have found in the past the only way I ever get anything "done" is to be serious about it. If I was to sit back and relax (which is pretty much the attitude I've taken for the last few years), I just spend my time reading along with some other solitary pursuits.

Not that I don't have a social life, I'm actually pretty happy with things as they are right now, in fact it's ideal, I spend 1 or 2 days a week hanging out with close friends, in the evening I enjoy reading and other things, while I also occasionally chat with some net friends.

The issue then is that I don't really have much opportunity to expand my social circle.

Another problem is that I just get along a lot better with men then women. There's a feeling of chemistry you sometimes get with a person, that you both are on the same page, and the conversation flows without effort. It's something I occasionally get when I talk to men, but that I only very rarely get with women. Of course, it might simply be that due to my education, jobs and hobbies I associate with a lot more men then women. I'm not really sure.

So basically, what I want to do right now, is just get myself talking to women on a regular basis. I'd hope eventually I'd find a person with "chemistry", and nice flowing conversation.

I'm just not very sure how.

[solomon]

Simple. You talk with a TON of chicks (or as many as you possibly can), and make a complete ass of yourself, learn from it and then get better at it.

I HATE that that is the only option probably even WORSE than YOU do......................BUTTT.......ok enough CAPS

[LeoXiao]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I know what you mean about "not being too serious about it", but I have found in the past the only way I ever get anything "done" is to be serious about it. If I was to sit back and relax (which is pretty much the attitude I've taken for the last few years), I just spend my time reading along with some other solitary pursuits.

You do have to put yourself out there in order to be able to talk to women, but once you're actually speaking with them, it has to be natural. That's what I think is meant.

Not that I don't have a social life, I'm actually pretty happy with things as they are right now, in fact it's ideal, I spend 1 or 2 days a week hanging out with close friends, in the evening I enjoy reading and other things, while I also occasionally chat with some net friends.

How comfortable are you with just chatting about random stuff, or letting the conversation follow a totally uninhibited course, without any concern for staying on a certain subject or anything? I find that this is the kind of conversation one usually has with girls, even if you are talking about deep or intelligent stuff. With close male friends it may also be like that, but in my case I tend to be more "businesslike" or directed in my speech when talking to men.

The issue then is that I don't really have much opportunity to expand my social circle.

Do you not have much opportunity, or are you already in a certain routine and don't really feel like straying from it? I only really started talking to girls regularly when I studied abroad, since I was sort of forced to go out and meet new people, and later when I started university, where I found extracurricular functions to go to, which in my experience tend to be run and staffed mostly by women.

Another problem is that I just get along a lot better with men then women. There's a feeling of chemistry you sometimes get with a person, that you both are on the same page, and the conversation flows without effort. It's something I occasionally get when I talk to men, but that I only very rarely get with women. Of course, it might simply be that due to my education, jobs and hobbies I associate with a lot more men then women. I'm not really sure.

You mentioned that you have close friends that you hang out with. When I was in high school, I had a couple close friends who I spent pretty much all my socializing time with. Now, they are thousands of miles away. I have no close friends anymore. It may very well just be your environment and the kind of atmosphere you're used to living in that tells you you're more or less content.

While generally speaking women do have different conversational habits compared to men, I don't think that it should be too hard to get accustomed to. There are smart, intelligent women out there who like talking about specialized topics. You just have to find something they're interested in or knowledgeable about, ask them some questions, and they'll probably be happy to tell you all about it.

So basically, what I want to do right now, is just get myself talking to women on a regular basis. I'd hope eventually I'd find a person with "chemistry", and nice flowing conversation.

As stated above, it's a problem of environment. Find a social group or activity that happens in a routine basis, and join it. My university, for instance, has an group that gets together to learn various foreign languages. By going there regularly I get to know the others who hold the event. The socializing effect is probably greater than the amount of language actually learned. It also helps that most of the attendees are female. You might not find someone suitable on the first try or anything, but this is what "putting yourself out there" is about - the more of these sorts of things you go to, the more chance you have of encountering interesting women.

Once you meet someone, don't feel like you have to "choose" her. Talk naturally and if she shows up again, great, but if never see her again don't be sore about it. Just keep participating and eventually you'll bump into someone else.

[MeoTwister5]

You know in reality the hurdles you find in talking to someone with breasts is all inside your head.

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Another problem is that I just get along a lot better with men then women. There's a feeling of chemistry you sometimes get with a person, that you both are on the same page, and the conversation flows without effort. It's something I occasionally get when I talk to men, but that I only very rarely get with women. Of course, it might simply be that due to my education, jobs and hobbies I associate with a lot more men then women. I'm not really sure.

Have you ever considered going for men instead? You might have more luck and in the end it might be more fulfilling if you say you get along better with guys.

[DonQuigleone]

[QUOTE=LeoXiao;4706548]You do have to put yourself out there in order to be able to talk to women, but once you're actually speaking with them, it has to be natural. That's what I think is meant. [quote]This is true. I'm not one for planning conversations long in advance.

How comfortable are you with just chatting about random stuff, or letting the conversation follow a totally uninhibited course, without any concern for staying on a certain subject or anything? I find that this is the kind of conversation one usually has with girls, even if you are talking about deep or intelligent stuff. With close male friends it may also be like that, but in my case I tend to be more "businesslike" or directed in my speech when talking to men.

Quite comfortable. The issue for me is that when I have talked to women in the past, the conversation was almost always extremely dull (small talk, small talk, small talk...)

Do you not have much opportunity, or are you already in a certain routine and don't really feel like straying from it? I only really started talking to girls regularly when I studied abroad, since I was sort of forced to go out and meet new people, and later when I started university, where I found extracurricular functions to go to, which in my experience tend to be run and staffed mostly by women.

When I was in University, I did try extracurricular activities, and all of the ones I tried were dominated by men. I even did Ballroom dancing for a while, and while it started out okay, within 5 or 6 weeks it flipped to being majority male

Anyway, now that I'm out of University, "extra curricular activities" are not really an option. I'm thinking of trying classes, or meetup groups, though most of the ones I've looked at so far don't have many people my age in them.

While generally speaking women do have different conversational habits compared to men, I don't think that it should be too hard to get accustomed to. There are smart, intelligent women out there who like talking about specialized topics. You just have to find something they're interested in or knowledgeable about, ask them some questions, and they'll probably be happy to tell you all about it.

That would be what I'd hope to find.

Once you meet someone, don't feel like you have to "choose" her. Talk naturally and if she shows up again, great, but if never see her again don't be sore about it. Just keep participating and eventually you'll bump into someone else.

Absolutely. Though, that said, if I did meet a person I found really interesting, it would probably be better if I just outright asked for their contact details. I've had it happen before where I met someone interesting, and then never met them again. (But I'd do so in a casual manner IE "Wanna meet up some time?")

Originally Posted by Hasumi

Have you ever considered going for men instead? You might have more luck and in the end it might be more fulfilling if you say you get along better with guys.

Uhhhhh. . Men leave something to be desired in the physical department. It would be convenient though.


More generally, I want to treat my conversations with women as conversations with normal people, and not as conversations with an exotic creature. It's tricky though. The rarity of my meeting women still makes it something of a novelty.

Anyone have tips on what kind of activities tend to have women frequenting them? I'm thinking Languages, Cooking(I've taken up Chinese cooking as a hobby recently), or maybe amateur drama. One problem with Dublin though is that most people don't really take part in any of these kind of things, but just spend all their time at pubs or clubs.

[csuree]

Language courses are ideal as more and more women tend to learn languages these days.

Last week I talked with 3 old friends(female) and 2 of them are going to language course to learn another foreign language.
I say you have a decent chance to meet good girls and guys don't go naturally to these kinds of courses.

Also I just got a book last week about how to open up, chat up new women and how to conquer your fear of women. Problem is it is in Hungarian, but because it is not too long (around 50 pages) I'll take my time and translate it so I can help you. It has amazing advice in it and it will certainly help you too. I'll try my best to translate it ASAP.

Well I did not try it out yet, but when I get a job and have money I'll try it out too.

[GDB]

Originally Posted by Hasumi

Have you ever considered going for men instead? You might have more luck and in the end it might be more fulfilling if you say you get along better with guys.

Just because someone gets along better with one gender doesn't mean they'd be able to be in a relationship with said gender. Usually some level of sexual attraction is needed, and in many cases that's what causes the weakened ability to communicate with the other gender.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by GDB

Usually some level of sexual attraction is needed, and in many cases that's what causes the weakened ability to communicate with the other gender.

It's really quite ironic when you think about it...

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by GDB

Just because someone gets along better with one gender doesn't mean they'd be able to be in a relationship with said gender. Usually some level of sexual attraction is needed, and in many cases that's what causes the weakened ability to communicate with the other gender.

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

It's really quite ironic when you think about it...

It truly is.

Btw I'm currently in the exact same position as you Don. I'm working full time for almost a year now in a small company 99% male. I don't have much in the way of hobbies since Portugal is a small country and, as you can probably guess, doesn't have much in the way of hobby groups and such.

I meet up regularly with some folks I met at twitter and, guess what, 99% male. I took plenty of extra-curricular activities while in college but again, 99% male.

I seriously have no idea where the girls are nowadays.

I have to admit to being at fault though: I haven't made much of an effort to meet new people but being quite disappointed in my job doesn't really help matters much so I'm focusing on fixing that first.

[DonQuigleone]

[QUOTE=Dextro;4707189]Btw I'm currently in the exact same position as you Don. I'm working full time for almost a year now in a small company 99% male. I don't have much in the way of hobbies since Portugal is a small country and, as you can probably guess, doesn't have much in the way of hobby groups and such.

I meet up regularly with some folks I met at twitter and, guess what, 99% male. I took plenty of extra-curricular activities while in college but again, 99% male.[quote]
Same here. It's like I've been cursed with an aura of masculinity! The ultimate irony would be if I ended out dating a transexual (even my girlfriend is a man!).

I seriously have no idea where the girls are nowadays.

YES. I mean, where are they all hiding?

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

YES. I mean, where are they all hiding?

It's impressive. Every single girl I meet is either dating or moves to that situation in less than a month.