Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[TerranReaper]

Spoiler for KOTR 17:

KOTR 18
The next day, it was announced that one of the space cannons due to orbit Mid-Childa was finished. There came mixed reactions within the community. Some approved of it while others felt that something wasn’t right about the defense contract. “Hayate, I should get you court marshaled for opening the portal without our approval…however, since that movement of yours actually eased tensions, I’ll keep quiet on that,” Chrono said. Hayate bowed and thanked Chrono. “I have a court session to attend. Is it okay that I leave now?” Hayate asked. “Go, don’t keep them waiting,” he said.

Fate was discharged from the hospital that day after a speedy recovery and she seemed fit for duties. She took charge of training, which she isn’t really good at. Now the worst thing you could do during training of mages is to ask non-magic users for assistance. “What do you want us to do, ma’am? We can’t do magic and yet you want us to train those mages?” one of the 10 trainers from Earth asked. “Well, I’ve seen through your Career Service Vitae and you 10 are special trainers for the Assault-Hunter Shock Troopers, right?” Fate asked. “Well, yeah but we can’t just train newbies. If we do, the fatality rate is high and I can’t guarantee that they’ll survive. We’re using live ammunition and we train them in real combat scenarios. Tanks will be real, drop bombs are real explosives and the traps we set up might include sonic grenades, fire bombs and a nuclear grenade at least. It’s fatal for non-veterans,” another trainer said. “That is exactly why I need you to train them. I feel that the mages are taking things too easy with magic and I want them to get tough and dirty,” she said.

The trainers looked at each other with puzzled looks on their faces. “Ma’am, do you even know how to train freshies?” one asked. Fate shook her head and pretended to laugh while scratching her head. “No, that is why I need you to help me out. Could you at least tone down the level of fatality?” Fate pleaded. The trainers looked at each other. “Well, we could do just that but we can’t guarantee it will be safe,” the first trainer said. “Then do it, I’ll be overseeing the entire training so you don’t have to worry about overdoing with the fatality rate,” Fate said. Meanwhile, a space fleet was fighting against an unknown enemy in space. They weren’t anarchists but they were certainly just as dangerous.

“Don’t let them get to cannon; it won’t be online for 2 more hours!” Chrono yelled out urgently. He looked at the details of the enemy ships and shook his head. “Who are these people and what do they want?” Chrono asked one of his assistants. “Not sure sir but it seems like they originated from Planet-22, Lilith. The ships seem to be custom made with a mix of Terran and Mid-Childan weaponry in their arsenal. I can only speculate that they were made 10 months prior to the attack of the anarchists,” she said. “If they’re not anarchists then who the heck are they? I only know that anarchists mix use Terran and Mid-Childan weapons,” Chrono mumbled. Just then, a video screen appeared before him. “We are anarchists from a different branch if you don’t mind. We’ll wipe you out before you can say ‘Belka”,” the mystery man said. “You dare challenge the Navy?” Chrono challenged him. The man just pooh-poohed him. “You idiots are really nothing,” he said mockingly. Chrono grinded his teeth in anger and shut the video feed. “Destroy them, leave none alive!” he yelled.

Things were not as easily fathomed as you think. On the ground, the anarchist’s hideout was attacked by a battalion of soldiers that claimed to be the coalition army. “They really have nerves, a lot of nerves if I might add,” Lysenthia said. She dodged as a magic bolt flew past her head by mere inches. A video screen appeared before her. “As I thought so, you anarchists are nothing at all. We could easily beat you,” a woman said to Lysenthia. “Who are you people to mock us,” Lysenthia hissed in anger. The woman just laughed. “We can beat you. Just because you won initially doesn’t mean you can beat us again,” the woman said and turned off the video feed. “I don’t remember the coalition army being the type of people who mocks a lot. Something isn’t right,” she whispered to herself. The problem doesn’t end there though; the coalition army was attacked in the same manner and mocked as well. “I suspect something amiss. This isn’t like the anarchist’s way of fighting,” Signum said to a Terran officer. “Yes, I know. They are too organized and they take cover frequently. Then again, we could be wrong. Maybe they’ve learnt the art of battle,” he said.

“You maybe right, we can’t underestimate them. Let’s drive them back,” Signum said. At the end of the day, all forces won but they weren’t exactly happy. Hayate exited the courtroom when the sky was about to turn dark. She let out a sigh of exhaustion. “Hearing to be heard again tomorrow. Damn, that is one reason why I hate court cases so much,” she said. She met Commander Gilbert in a café. He was just as fatigued as Hayate was. “Bad day much, eh?” Gilbert asked her as she sat down on a chair beside him. Hayate nodded. “Yeah. We don’t have strong evidence to back our statement and the video didn’t help much. Those accusers accused us of modifying the video so it made the three look like someone else,” Hayate said. “It was modified, Hayate. Using some editing techniques, we could see through holographic disguises and match faceprints. I matched the face prints of the three in the video and the faceprints of the real ones. They weren’t matching,” he said.

“Just as I suspected, they were framed. All I want to know is who framed them,” Hayate said. They looked through the entire video clip again. The size of the three in the video was just the same as the real ones but then, Hayate never remembered Erio having a moustache or Caro with two ponytails. Lutecia certainly don’t have a Goth look. “For a court of smart lawyers and judges, I can’t believe they missed out the little details of those imposters,” Hayate said, holding back the urge to laugh. Erio certainly looked wrong with a moustache. Gilbert nodded. “We missed them initially but now that we found out the little things in this clip, we can strengthen our claims,” he said. As they discussed about it, the stranger next table listened intently. After a while, he got up and left, passing by Hayate’s table and snatching the disk when the two were not looking.

Night arrived and Fate returned home with Nanoha. Yuuno had just arrived home and was busy cooking dinner. “There you two are. How was the day?” he asked while stirring a pot of soup. “Now I know how hard it is for Hayate to control the TSAB. So many things to look at and so many commands to issue,” Nanoha said tiredly. Fate had bruises everywhere and she looked dirtied up. “You think your day was bad? I trained mages along with special trainers from Earth. We staged a real live battle zone and fought each other like it is in a real battle. I think I hurt my ass,” she said. Yuuno just smiled. “Seems like you three could use some nourishments. Here, try my cooking,” he said as he placed the pot of soup before them. Fate smelt it and looked at Yuuno with narrow eyes. “Are you sure this is safe to drink? Nanoha told me that you weren’t really good with soup,” Fate said.

“Eh heh, I followed the cook book so it shouldn’t be a problem…I think,” he said while scratching his head. Nanoha tried some and spat it out. “Ugh, you put too much onion in it, ferret boy!” she complained. Fate scooped out something and a tail dangled there. “What is this thing?” she asked in disgust. A rat fell out from the scoop. Nanoha screamed. “Kyahhh! Rat! Get it away from me!” she screamed while leaping away. “Sorry but I couldn’t find chicken so I cooked a rat instead. It was my tribe’s delicacy,” Yuuno said bitterly. “Yeah well, we’re not from your tribe and you should know Nanoha resents rats and cockroaches,” Fate said. “Which reminds me, Fate, I cooked fried cockroaches for dessert. Wanna try some?” he asked. Fate fainted and white out. Yuuno scratched his head in puzzlement. “What? It is an Asian delicacy and I thought we should try it out,” he said.

When midnight came, Nanoha was still awake. She was playing with the violin to relax herself. There will be more work tomorrow and she really didn’t like it. Something in the darkness outside caught her eyes. Looking out the window, she saw a Terran troopship dropping several unknown units onto a building’s roof. The figures beckoned each other in the darkness and Nanoha could only see the silhouette of the figures under the bright moonlight that shone. “What is going on here?” Nanoha asked herself. She took a binocular to take a closer look at the figures. One figure seemed to have noticed her because she saw the man smile at her under a cloak so she couldn’t see his face entirely. However, that smile was disturbingly familiar. The man turned away and followed the rest of the group.

“Jail Scaglietti?” Nanoha exclaimed in surprise, cold sweat running down her forehead.

Should Nanoha go check it out?
A)Yes
B)No

[DezoPenguin]

Well, since everybody's posting things tonight, I guess I will, too. Have another draft chapter of Stahlkonigin. This time out, we get to see the villains doing the Omniscient Council of Vagueness schtick (hey, at least I gave them names!) and some Nanoha/Fate/Vivio family stuff where I spend half a chapter trying to define everybody's relationship while hopefully amusing you. Allquall really does it better, though.

Spoiler for Stahlkonigin--Chapter 6:

Jacquelyn Solstice was smiling. Sonoma didn't see that very often, and it usually meant something bad for someone.

"You look pleased," he remarked.

"I am."

The drumbeat of music from the dance floor above them reverberated through the walls. Sonoma could hear the lead singer of the live band wailing about the futility of love, or possibly the desire to grow up; it was hard to tell, the metaphors tended to be mixed and were broken up by instrumental stretches that let the clientele concentrate on their feet and each other. He'd caught sight of the band on the way in and dismissed them as irrelevant. A club like this, made from a converted industrial plant and catering to the allegedly "edgy" crowd of early-twenties outsiders, was as good as they were ever going to get.

They served their purpose, though. The club's existence, after all, was primarily to disguise the fact that a number of people like Sonoma routinely came and went. Try that at a residence and someone's grandmother would be on to the phone to the cops within a week. Then they'd have to waste their time killing a police patrol, sanitizing the location, and moving somewhere else. They'd been operating freely out of the Steel Room for thirteen months without a hint of raising an official flag.

"Good news from Jarentil?"

She nodded.

"The Nest came off-planet without trouble and onto the rails of sub rosa commerce. It should be here by the appointed day."

"I can see why you're smiling."

"Apparently it was a close shave. The Enforcers"--she infused the word with a bitterness that was hard to associate with a woman, a girl really, of her youth--"had been called in by Tiburon to investigate the diversion of arms, and rather quickly traced it to the perpetrators."

"If the TSAB military wasn't good at its job, then there'd be no point in hating it." The stupid had only themselves to blame for the results of their stupidity.

"You sound like you respect them." The snapping response reminded Sonoma of just how young she was.

"No. I merely acknowledge my enemy's actual capacity, so as to better prepare to defeat them. Condemn their morality all you like; just never trick yourself into thinking that virtue necessarily provides strength." In Sonoma's experience, people who claimed that purity of purpose led to inevitable victory were either delusional idealists or deliberately lying. "That's beside the point, though." He forced a smile onto his face. "How did we get the Nest out?"

Solstice returned the smile and even chuckled.

"That's what's so priceless. The mighty TSAB was thwarted by a local government. In this case, Jarentil's police wanted the credit for solving the crime, so they stalled and launched their own sting. The Enclave's local contact had the usual spies inside the police, learned what was happening, and moved the product offworld. Apparently the TSAB did catch the ship with the smuggled goods, but our precautions with the Nest paid off; it had already been delivered to the next link in the chain." She turned to the third person in the room, who had until then been slouched quietly against the wall, sipping a beer. "We have you to thank for that, Pacer/"

Barthus Pacer shrugged. In his mid-thirties, he was a big man, his shaved head covered by a black bandanna and his arms left bare by a khaki vest. Tattoos spiraled up those arms, broken between wrists and shoulders only by an eight-inch burn scar on his upper right arm.

Sonoma knew how Pacer had gotten the scar, and it wasn't in his twenty years of service with the shady side of interdimensional transport. He'd picked it up at the age of thirteen, trying to shield his mother from the blast of a fire spell. It was the same year Solstice's father and grandparents had been killed, before she'd ever had a chance to meet them. The same year Sonoma's wife had died in his arms, bleeding out from the shrapnel hits that had torn away her belly, just an innocent bystander when the government boot had come down on what it called criminals and terrorists.

That was the tie that bound them together. They'd all lost something that year. For some it was direct and personal: loved ones lost, lives destroyed. For others, especially the ones who were too young for the actual rebellion, it was primarily ideological: either from the hopes and dreams that were destroyed or the sheer rage that grew out of knowing that evil had gained the upper hand over the place where your bloodline and culture grew from.

On some level it surprised Sonoma that he himself still cared about such things. The years had worn off the ideals, instilled him with a bone-deep cynicism and an almost bitterly pragmatic attitude towards operational protocol. But the core of it, the burning flame in his gut that had set him on this road, was still there, as bright as ever.

Hate.

One thing had changed, though. In his youth, he'd hated the government and the TSAB equally. As time passed, that attitude had shifted. After all, the bloody-minded despots had never, except in the most comical way, ever claimed to be anything other than the petty tin dictators that they were. The Time-Space Administrative Bureau, though, was supposed to be better than that. They claimed to be upholding ideals, defending the worlds against the kind of violence and injustice that had claimed so many lives in the past. Reality had fallen far short of that aspiration--and while despots died or were killed, the TSAB kept on going, spreading its breed of lies onto further generations.

But now, finally, there would be vengeance. Sonoma was not innocent enough to call it justice, no, though Solstice probably would as would many of their fellow members. It was merely revenge, the desire to hurt as many of them as was conceivable. No, it wasn't justice--but it was enough. Nothing could restore the beloved dead, but at least they'd soon have company.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lieutenant Colonel Takamachi Nanoha was a woman of wide reputation. As Senior Combat Instructor for the Air Force, she was beloved by her students, who would have flown through fire for her. That association wouldn't have impressed the cadets who hadn't had her classes yet, since they all thought the "White Devil" routinely set her students on fire during training anyway so it would have been old hat for the graduates. In her youth she'd been dubbed the "Ace of Aces" for her combat skills, sheer magical power, and record of success against all odds, and was often thought of as such by the general population. The one thing that united all those reputations was that they told of someone who was larger than life, whether as hero or villain.

Knowing that just made Vivio grin all the more to see her mama bouncing girlishly on the balls of her feet in anticipation.

"Arista confirmed ready for transport," came the aggressively chirpy voice over the loudspeaker. "Please keep the arrival area clear for your own safety."

In the next instant the arrival pad shimmered, then the glow expanded, becoming almost painful to look at before vanishing, leaving Fate standing on the platform, a single suitcase by her side.

"Fate-chan!" Nanoha squealed, launched herself across the room, and glomped onto the Enforcer in a full-body squeeze. Fate staggered slightly, but long experience with the act let her catch her balance without falling. Vivio giggled, but Fate just let her arms close around Nanoha's waist, buried her face against the other woman's brown hair, and softly whispered in her ear.

"I'm home."

They remained that way for about thirty seconds before Vivio invoked a teenager's right to butt in when her parents were getting lovey-dovey.

"Hey, hey, stop hogging Fate-mama. Other people want to hug her, too!"

Fate blushed slightly; Nanoha didn't, but she did let go so Vivio could get a quick squeeze in.

"You're really growing up," Fate said, looking up at her daughter.

"Yeah, I did kind of hit a growth spurt this past year. Guess I was built for height. Which is good since I'm such a crappy flier. This way I can see over people's heads."

Fate chuckled. She was one of the few people who really understood Vivio's feelings when she had her occasional moments about being an artificial mage, simply because she was one, too. Indeed, it was Fate's successful creation that had generated the key breakthrough which had made Vivio possible, so that they were, in a scientific-provenance kind of way, genuinely family as well as by adoption.

"I wasn't expecting that you'd changed so much; it doesn't really stand out on a video screen."

"Yeah, and now I can't wear half your clothes any more."

"Nanoha, you're still letting Vivio raid my closet?"

"Hey, your stuff gets lonely when you're on deployment, and none of it fits me," Nanoha protested. "And besides, if you really cared you'd take it with you. You pack like a guy, Fate-chan."

"I do not!"

Nanoha pointed at her suitcase.

"One suitcase for a ten-month deployment? I rest my case."

"I spend ninety percent of my time in my uniform or Barrier Jacket. Besides, it isn't any fun to dress up without you to see me," she added, blushing again.

"Aw, that's so sweet!"

"Okay, mamas, break it up."

"In a minute," Nanoha said, and gave Fate a warm hello kiss. Vivio sighed, but smiled. It was nice, honestly, that they still cared for each other after all that time. So many of her friends' parents, after all, had ended up divorced, so she was glad that hers were still together and happy.

"Minute's up. So what did you bring us, Fate-mama?"

Fate chuckled, then held out her hand, palm up, and worked a minor transportation spell to apport two packages out of her suitcase. One had silver paper and a blue ribbon, the other dark blue paper with a double red and green ribbon.

"Gee, I wonder which one's mine?" Nanoha joked, and Fate stuck her tongue out at the brunette.

"Be nice or I won't give it to you."

"But I thought you liked me to be naughty, Fate-chan."

"Nanoha-mama!"

"You're old enough to know that your mamas do adult things, Vivio," Nanoha said shamelessly.

"Oh, God, why me?"

"Maybe this will help get the image out of your head?" Fate offered, extending the gift. Vivio tore into it eagerly, and her eyes lit up when she found a book inside, bound in elaborately tooled dark green leather with the title in gilt lettering: Mid-Childan Economic Cycles and Their Effects on TSAB Policy.

"Fate-mama, thank you!" Vivio exclaimed. "This just came out last month and I haven't seen a copy anywhere, even at the Infinite Library!"

"Try the university bookstores next time. Publishers always figure that scholarly works sell best to scholars," Nanoha advised.

"Yuuno's going to be so jealous! I'll have to lend it to him when I'm done," Vivio said, speaking of Yuuno Scrya, who was both Nanoha's closest friend and the head librarian at the Infinite Library. During Fate's extended absences, Yuuno had been almost like a father to her, providing valuable fill-in support for Nanoha in child-rearing. He'd also been the one to encourage her taste in history, sociology, and economics; once she'd displayed an interest it had been off to the races. To Vivio, even the dryest of scholarly writing couldn't conceal the fact that these were the greatest stories ever told, with a cast of millions and events that affected people even today.

Vita always thought it was hilarious that a combat mage whose basic tactical approach was "keep hitting me until you break your fist" was such a nerd.

"Did I get a book too?" Nanoha asked. "Does it have pictures of you?"

"Should I wait in the car?" Vivio sighed, while Fate bonked Nanoha on the head with her gift.

"...Sorry."

"You're forgiven, but only because you're cute. Here you go."

Nanoha opened her present, which turned out to be a Jarentian delicacy, a kind of smoked twin-tailed shellfish.

"These look good!"

"They are, but they're really spicy, so watch out."

"Mmn!" Nanoha answered, making her family smile.

Nanoha reached for Fate's suitcase, but Vivio got to it first.

"Nope, Mama, I'm the biggest, so I'll do the heavy lifting. Besides, what's the point of having a teenager if you can't get any work out of her?"

"Thanks, Vivio; you're very kind," Fate said.

"Proper parenting," Nanoha asserted.

"Although sarcastic."

"That part was mostly Vita-chan."

"I see," Fate said, smiling while Vivio just groaned.

They started on their way out, Nanoha and Fate side-by-side while Vivio trailed along.

"So what else is new since I left?"

"Not much, really. The Jettas' dog had her puppies; they're really cute."

"Shamal's learning to cook," Vivio put in. "I scoffed a great sesame-garlic breadstick recipe off her that I'm hoping we could make together."

"That sounds like fun," Fate said.

"Chrono and Amy threw a big retirement bash for Admiral Leti, who got mad and threatened to court-martial whomever it was started the rumor that she was retiring. Subaru was given the Distinguished Service Award for her work with that cruise ship sinking last month."

"Oh, I read some news stories about that. Wasn't she essentially personally responsible for saving one hundred seventy-three people?"

"Mmn. I'm really proud of her! Oh, and Hayate got promoted again."

"You told me about that. I think she and Chrono-niichan are having a race."

"No, I mean again."

"But she just made three-star!"

Nanoha nodded.

"Well, it's not so much a promotion in rank as it is in position. They gave her a new assignment."

"Oh? What?"


"Actually, she's lord and master of all you survey."

"What...they gave her Capital City Defense Forces Commander?"

"That's right! Technically she's even my boss, now, since the instructional facilities are part of the Cranagan base complex."

Fate shook her head in disbelief.

"If she keeps this up, she could be commanding the Ground Forces by the time she's forty."

"Well, she didn't say so, but I'm getting the feeling that's what the Marshal has in mind. When he steps down, he wants someone who can hold the job for decades on end like he has."

"That makes sense."

They reached the doors and stepped out into the sun.

"I'll go get the car," Nanoha said. "Don't have too much fun without me!" She dashed off towards the parking lot.

"So," Fate said, "since we've covered the hellos and the gifts and the bad jokes about my love life, what about yours? Have you met any cute guys you haven't told Nanoha about?"

"Well...maybe a couple." Vivio grinned. "There's a big dance coming up at school and two guys have asked me out, but I'm not sure yet which way I'm leaning."

"Let me guess, one bad boy and one nice guy?"

"Mmn, sort of. The nice one's actually the aerochase team captain, but yeah, we met because we're in Advanced Government Theory together and we argued the teacher's lecture all through lunch."

"And the other one?"

Vivio's grin grew.

"He's seventeen and he street-races motorcycles."

"I can guess why you haven't told Nanoha about him." Their eyes met and they both laughed.

It was kind of odd, really, Vivio thought. She could never have had this kind of conversation with Nanoha, but along the way, probably when she was nine or ten or in there somewhere, her relationship with Fate had shifted. Probably it was because Fate was only there about two months out of each year. It was funny, because Fate was probably the most maternal person she knew, but they really didn't interact like a mother and daughter anymore. It was more like Fate was a really close big sister: still loving, but without the parent-child power-and-responsibility dynamic.

"Do you want my advice?" Fate asked. Unlike Nanoha, she really would keep it to herself if Vivio wanted her to.

Vivio thought about it.

"Okay."

"Are you at all serious about either one?"

"I'm not really sure..."

"If you're not and this is strictly a fun date, go for the motorcycle boy. If you're considering them as boyfriend material, pick the nice guy. He'll require more training, but his first instinct will be to find ways to make your toes curl up."

Vivio blushed.

"Fate-mama!"

"Just remember, the bad boys are hot and exciting, but only up to the point where you need them to think of you as more than an accessory to their lives and egos."

"You don't know him! You don't know that he's like that."

"If he's a nice guy who just happens to like motorcycle racing, he's in a different category. You're the one who said he was a bad-boy."

Darn it, she's right.

"I can't believe I'm taking boy advice from my lesbian mom."

Fate just grinned, recognizing the grumble for the admission it was.

"You could ask your bisexual mom, but she'd just tell you that you're too young for dating and should check back when you're eighty."

"True. Thanks, Fate-mama."

A loud honk cut through the warmth of the moment. Nanoha waved at them out of the driver's side window.

"C'mon! If we don't get home soon we won't be able to celebrate Fate-chan's return by having her cook dinner for us!"

...Admiral Leti is female, isn't s/he?

[Jimmy C]

Yes, Leti's a woman. Wasn't that obvious in A's?

[Arkeus]

and in strikerS, Lindy says "leti and her group" (21)

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

Yes, Leti's a woman. Wasn't that obvious in A's?

...

Gonna have to say that I can't actually answer that question, since I didn't even remember Leti being in A's. (Possibly watching it more than once would have cured that...) Honestly, I only remember her at all from the manga and even there I couldn't remember if she showed any signs of having a gender. Seriously, the only impressions she left on my memory at all were "strict" and "Griffith's parent." The only reason I assumed "female" was because that's a good bet for a random MGLN character and because she gave off this angry-librarian kind of vibe, if you know what I mean....

[Jimmy C]

She's in eps 1, 4 and 13 at least. Each time, it's quite clear she's female. How could you miss that? Just watch 13 while Lindy and Leti are talking after the BoD gets sent to her eternal rest. That should settle any questions on that score.

[Tempy]

Behold. Leti (Or Lety) and son.


EDIT: Coding was fine, but it seems the host hated me. Host changed.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty

Behold. Leti. (Or Lety)

Spoiler for Leti and son~:

... ... ...

Spoiler for Leti and Son:

Zafira had never known Griffith to ever well... twitter. Zafira had seen his friend nervous but never twittery. Griffith normally calmed his nerves by barking orders at who ever was nearest, not looking like the slightest poke would send him jumping into the air.

"Yahoo~ Griffith~ You in there?" Vice waved a hand in front of the purple haired man's face. "'Cause if you're not I'll just be headin' out to a bar now."

"You will not," Griffith snapped, glaring at the lazy pilot.

"It seems he was in there," Zafira noted dryly. "So will you tell us what's going on or not?"

Griffith hesitated for a moment before speaking. "It's my mother... she's visiting today... I love my mother it's just that..."

"I understand," Vice was surprisingly serious, his eyes hidden by his bangs dramatically, "for I too stand in the shadow of my mother... the great Admiral Bethany Berkinshire..."

"No no that's a lie..." Zafira rolled his eyes, "your mother runs a noodle shop. And your last name isn't even Berkinshire."

Vice grinned, "Oh yeah. That was the plot of the movie I was watching last night." He shrugged, "What times your mom gettin' in then?"

Griffith sighed, "1. In only-" he looked down at his watch, "-R-right now!" He shot up from the table.

"We'll go too!" Both Zafira and Vice for once spoke together.

"Eh?!?"

~~~

Griffith straightened his tie as he waited for all hell to fall upon his head. Vice was looking around eagerly, likely expecting Griffith would get chewed out the moment she showed up... how little he knew.

"Griffith~" An arm wiggled around Griffith's. "How's my baby doing," A kiss was planted on his cheek.

"MOTH.ER." he groaned. "You're embarrassing me..."

The laughter could be heard for miles.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

... ... ...

Spoiler for Leti and Son:

Zafira had never known Griffith to ever well... twitter. Zafira had seen his friend nervous but never twittery. Griffith normally calmed his nerves by barking orders at who ever was nearest, not looking like the slightest poke would send him jumping into the air.

"Yahoo~ Griffith~ You in there?" Vice waved a hand in front of the purple haired man's face. "'Cause if you're not I'll just be headin' out to a bar now."

"You will not," Griffith snapped, glaring at the lazy pilot.

"It seems he was in there," Zafira noted dryly. "So will you tell us what's going on or not?"

Griffith hesitated for a moment before speaking. "It's my mother... she's visiting today... I love my mother it's just that..."

"I understand," Vice was surprisingly serious, his eyes hidden by his bangs dramatically, "for I too stand in the shadow of my mother... the great Admiral Bethany Berkinshire..."

"No no that's a lie..." Zafira rolled his eyes, "your mother runs a noodle shop. And your last name isn't even Berkinshire."

Vice grinned, "Oh yeah. That was the plot of the movie I was watching last night." He shrugged, "What times your mom gettin' in then?"

Griffith sighed, "1. In only-" he looked down at his watch, "-R-right now!" He shot up from the table.

"We'll go too!" Both Zafira and Vice for once spoke together.

"Eh?!?"

~~~

Griffith straightened his tie as he waited for all hell to fall upon his head. Vice was looking around eagerly, likely expecting griffith would get chewed out the moment she showed up... how little he knew.

"Griffith~" An arm wiggled around his arm. "How's my baby doing," A kiss was planted on his cheek

"MOTH.ER." he groaned. "You're embaressing me..."

The laughter could be heard for miles.

Leave it to TSS to come up with crack from that picture I giggled

[Jimmy C]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

To add to Dezo's words, you have too many sentences like that one. That seems to be your literary weakness. If you are doing it "to look different" or "for style", please stop. That isn't the way to do it. If you genuinely aren't sure when's the best time to switch to passive, then the next part may help.

Spoiler for active vs. passive voice in writing:

Ask yourself, which is more important at this point of your narrative, the doer of the action, or the receiver?
Let's use this line from PS!V 4 as an example:

The halls were walked down casually and she pulled the strap of her purse back over her shoulder

When you wrote the italicized part, what did you want your readers to focus on, Vivio or the hallway? As it is now, the focus is on the hallway, not Vivio. Then, you shift the focus to Vivio after the "and" by switching to active. Yet, Vivio was supposed to be the focus of the line the whole time, wasn't she?
In general, you should stick with active when you write the characters performing actions. If you're writing an action as it happens (and not talking about an action that happened before the current scene) I recommend that you reserve passive voice for when you don't wish to reveal the doer of the action.

Check this example, there are two actions in this scene:
1. Vivio walked past the corner.
2. Someone (I don't want to say who yet) grabbed her around the waist.

I can write this 2 ways:

A. Active-active: Vivio walked past the corner and someone grabbed her around the waist. (focus jumps from Vivio to unknown assailant)

B. Active-passive: Vivio walked past the corner and was grabbed around the waist. (focus stays on Vivio)

As you can see, the second one sounds better.
If the other doer is known (if it was Syn and not just "someone", for example) then the matter reverts back to who do you want the readers to focus their attention on.
There's much more I can share with you about this. I'll PM it to you if you're interested.

To wrap this up, I recommend you ask Angel check if you're using passives incorrectly in addition to spelling and grammar. It would help a lot and you still have half the story to post.

Another occasional glitch I see from you is how you write possessives as "[noun] of [owner]" instead of "[owner]'s [noun]" Most of the time, you get it right. But sometimes, you write things like "the strap of her purse" instead of "her purse's strap" I'd like to know what's your criteria for choosing the first instead of the second. Is it something from Spanish? Because, I know you know Spanish and the two other people I see this from sometimes are Spanish too. Just curious.

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Leti and Son

Nice sketch! Just one point:

"Griffith~" An arm wiggled around his arm. "How's my baby doing," A kiss was planted on his cheek

You should change "his arm" to "Griffth's arm". Normally, it would be clear since you mentioned Griffth by name at the start. But Vice was featured featured so prominently in the previous line that I thought that "his arm"="Vice's arm"
Unless she really was hitting on Vice...

Edit: The reason I said this is because I wasn't able to see the picture until just now. I would have never brought the point up if I had seen it earlier.

Note to Satashi again. This line by TSS is a good example of when passive is more suitable than active.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

To add to Dezo's words, you have too many sentences like that one. That seems to be your literary weakness. If you are doing it "to look different" or "for style", please stop. That isn't the way to do it. If you genuinely aren't sure when's the best time to switch to passive, then the next part may help.

Spoiler for active vs. passive voice in writing:

Ask yourself, which is more important at this point of your narrative, the doer of the action, or the receiver?
Let's use this line from PS!V 4 as an example:

When you wrote the italicized part, what did you want your readers to focus on, Vivio or the hallway? As it is now, the focus is on the hallway, not Vivio. Then, you shift the focus to Vivio after the "and" by switching to active. Yet, Vivio was supposed to be the focus of the line the whole time, wasn't she?
In general, you should stick with active when you write the characters performing actions. If you're writing an action as it happens (and not talking about an action that happened before the current scene) I recommend that you reserve passive voice for when you don't wish to reveal the doer of the action.

Check this example, there are two actions in this scene:
1. Vivio walked past the corner.
2. Someone (I don't want to say who yet) grabbed her around the waist.

I can write this 2 ways:

A. Active-active: Vivio walked past the corner and someone grabbed her around the waist. (focus jumps from Vivio to unknown assailant)

B. Active-passive: Vivio walked past the corner and was grabbed around the waist. (focus stays on Vivio)

As you can see, the second one sounds better.
If the other doer is known (if it was Syn and not just "someone", for example) then the matter reverts back to who do you want the readers to focus their attention on.
There's much more I can share with you about this. I'll PM it to you if you're interested.

To wrap this up, I recommend you ask Angel check if you're using passives incorrectly in addition to spelling and grammar. It would help a lot and you still have half the story to post.



Nice sketch! Just one point:



You should change "his arm" to "Griffth's arm". Normally, it would be clear since you mentioned Griffth by name at the start. But Vice was featured featured so prominently in the previous line that I thought that "his arm"="Vice's arm"
Unless she really was hitting on Vice...

Edit: The reason I said this is because I wasn't able to see the picture until just now. I would have never brought the point up if I had seen it earlier.

Note to Satashi again. This line by TSS is a good example of when passive is more suitable than active.

Lots to think about, as it's an unknown flaw I do. Don't really know what to say other than "I'll try and keep that in mind."

Another occasional glitch I see from you is how you write possessives as "[noun] of [owner]" instead of "[owner]'s [noun]" Most of the time, you get it right. But sometimes, you write things like "the strap of her purse" instead of "her purse's strap" I'd like to know what's your criteria for choosing the first instead of the second. Is it something from Spanish? Because, I know you know Spanish and the two other people I see this from sometimes are Spanish too. Just curious.

Variety/Style.

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Spoiler for PS!Vivio commentary:

I did! And I must say, I really enjoyed this reworked chapter because it did a good job of adding details that weren't as fleshed out the first time around. As you might recall, I managed to completely miss the fact that Syn was a virgin, largely getting snowed by her touchy-feely, sexually-aggressive, always-trying-to-get-Vivio's-clothes-off-behavior during the "dating" arc. This version did a much better job of getting across Syn's issues, her eagerness and frustration but mixing in some hesitation as well. And, of course, by making Syn's status more evident, it's easier to enjoy the gag of the virgin desperately trying (and failing!) to get the porn star in the sack...

While I'm not sure if you actually changed anything--maybe it's just that reading the story in this fashion does a better job of putting it into my head?--I'm also better appreciating the odd balance in Vivio's personality, where she really is more comfortable than Syn with nudity and exposing her body, but hesitant as soon as an emotional context is placed around the situation.

Not everything is perfect, of course. Probably because this chapter was made by smoothing together several separate and much shorter chapters, things are a bit choppy; I can't really explain it too well in words, but the "flow" of events is kind of herky-jerky now and again. One mistake that's caught my attention here and in several of your fics is the use of "blond," the masculine spelling, for a female. Yuuno is blond, but Fate, Vivio, and Arisa are blonde.

There's one sentence that even I, who am probably too fond of the passive voice for my own good, think is a bit of a train wreck: "The water was turned on and the soap was found." (when Syn's washing dishes). Especially since it's part of a paragraph where Syn is the subject, it would have read much better as, for example: "She found the soap, then turned on the water."

It also strikes me as amazing that you managed to write an entire novella about Vivio's career as a porn star without making at least one gag about how she has the largest bosom of the entire StrikerS cast. On the other hand, I didn't make that connection, either, until checking out the album in Keroko's profile...I was way too busy looking at other things during all the scenes where the Sankt Kaiser was on stage while watching the series, and...come to think of it, you never finished StrikerS, did you?

Anyway, I have to say that I quite enjoyed the first three chapters of the revised and collected PornStar!Vivio, and am looking forward to the remainder of the story!

I'm glad you liked it ^_^ Yes, I specifically changed the point of Syn being a virgin in that one. I also remember you pointing out Vivio's chest size, and in the next chapter, I added in Vivio stating that she was a DDcup while Syn is an AA. For those of you who don't know, "DD" is larger than a "D" but "AA" is smaller than an "A". Basicaly it's pointing out that Syn is still wearing "training bras", which is the joke made <3 (Sorry Keroko :P )

I'm trying to recall everything said while posting and fixing/noting them as I go along. I am trying to smooth out the choppy feeling as best I can as well. As for Betaing, Angel is really busy right now so she can't help much at the current moment T_T And I don't trust anyone else to look at it (sorry).

[MeisterBabylon]

Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty

Behold. Leti. (Or Lety)

Spoiler for Leti and son~:

I can't see it. Check your coding.

[Jimmy C]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Lots to think about, as it's an unknown flaw I do. Don't really know what to say other than "I'll try and keep that in mind."

As you go through the rest of PS!V, change all the passives to active. See if that shifts the focus correctly. If it does, keep it. Else, revert to passive. That should fix most of your active/passive problems.

Variety/Style.

Interesting. Personally, I feel that "[noun] of [owner]" is too stiffly formal and unusual. I would only use it if I had a declarative (this, these, that, those) before the [noun] and in such cases, it would be "[owner]'s" as well. But that's just me.

Betaing, Angel is really busy right now so she can't help much at the current moment T_T And I don't trust anyone else to look at it (sorry).

I could help a bit. When I read your stories, I keep mentally highlighting your errors anyway. I won't be much good at reviewing content and flow, but I reduce your grammatical errors at least.

EDIT:

At the end of PS!V 4, you mentioned that Wan was the first fan that Vivio ever met. She didn't attend conventions before? And yes, even this industry has conventions. Meet-the-fans type conventions.

Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon

I can't see it. Check your coding.

Right-click on the [X] icon, select "Properties," copy the URL address and paste it in a new window.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

At the end of PS!V 4, you mentioned that Wan was the first fan that Vivio ever met. She didn't attend conventions before? And yes, even this industry has conventions. Meet-the-fans type conventions.

Well, besides the fans she meets at strip clubs and the like :3

[yuiseppe]

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

Another occasional glitch I see from you is how you write possessives as "[noun] of [owner]" instead of "[owner]'s [noun]" Most of the time, you get it right. But sometimes, you write things like "the strap of her purse" instead of "her purse's strap" I'd like to know what's your criteria for choosing the first instead of the second.

Maybe it was just your choice of example here, but I'd have to agree with Satashi's use of the '[noun] of [owner]' syntax for INANIMATE objects. An inanimate possessive form implies a certain degree of personification which, in most instances, is not the purpose of the sentence.

This expands on my point a bit, in particular, the part which cites the Gregg Reference manual

So with regard to inanimate objects, it's not a matter of formality in the tone, but one of substance. If you were to use the same syntax with animate objects, then that would read a bit strange.

[Jimmy C]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Well, besides the fans she meets at strip clubs and the like :3

Ok, I'll assume she's been too low-key to appear at conventions up to now. But really, those things can be a real boost to popularity. Her current company should have promoted her during her very first year with them.

Originally Posted by yuiseppe

but I'd have to agree with Satashi's use of the '[noun] of [owner]' syntax for INANIMATE objects. An inanimate possessive form implies a certain degree of personification which, in most instances, is not the purpose of the sentence.

After reading the link you provided, I stand corrected. I had forgotten about those.

[SulliMike23]

Well I've started work on my Nanoha/Star Trek fanfic but at the moment I'll have to focus on how to proceed with introducing the main pairing in my fanfic; which will be Nanoha/Fate of course. But I have to be honest; this will be a first for me in 3 ways.

1) This will be my first Nanoha story,

2) This will be my first Star Trek fanfic,

3) This will be my first yuri fanfic as well.

So you can see my slight problems. I said I will make this work and I meant it; but seeing as how it will be my first fanfic in these three categories it might get a little challenging. So any advice on how to proceed with two of these will be helpful.

Being a Star Trek fan, I know quite a lot of information and can access it around. But how to proceed with anything related to Nanoha and yuri will be something I may need help on since I've never written a single yuri fanfic in my fanfic writing career. Still, I'll do my best.

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Jimmy C

Right-click on the [X] icon, select "Properties," copy the URL address and paste it in a new window.

That's if he's using internet explorer. On other programs such as FireFox and Opera, the image doesn't even show up at all.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

That's if he's using internet explorer. On other programs such as FireFox and Opera, the image doesn't even show up at all.

All he has to do is look at it in quote form

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

All he has to do is look at it in quote form

true, that is very true indeed XD