Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Liingo]

Hmm haven't been here for a while. It's good to see the range of fics has grown since the last time I posted in here. Back then it was a lot of Satashi and not much else .

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

"Hence the reason your tactical support isn't breaking down the doors or firing snipe shots through the walls in the displays of conspicuous heroism they show on the broadcast cop shows," javelin noted. "Your Captain Cobalt has been quite the irritant to me over the past two years, and I think that the corpses of his undercover agents, consigned to death by his own arrogance and carelessness, will be a satisfying message to leave for him."

That was the only thing that I could spot in terms of anything wrong with this chapter. Not capitalising his name.

6. I get the distressing idea that the fact that the unwelcome guest in Cobalt's van is Fate is painfully obvious long before Bardiche speaks his trademark phrase. Since the whole point of not mentioning her by name was so that when Bardiche speaks up, the reader goes off into a "Waah! Feito-chan!" moment of squee, would it work better to actually have her introduced outright, described, etc.? Or does it still work the way it's supposed to despite itself?

Looking back on it, it seems fairly obvious to me who the intruder is, but only after reaching Bardiche's line. Although I'm not sure if that was just because of me not paying enough attention to the fic. I think it should be fine as it is though.

Liingo

[yuiseppe]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Spoiler for Stahlkonigin--Chapter 3:

... The elegant blonde Knight of the Lake was the support mage of Hayate's Guardian Knights, concentrating on barriers, scrying, and healing magic. The latter was her true area of expertise, though, and that was why she was one of the chief medical officers in the TSAB military.

Obscure grammatical glitch: 'former' and 'latter' relate to a list of TWO things only. This is so because the terms make a comparison of order to only one other thing, i.e. 'latter' = 'the one that comes after the other'. If you had more than two items, it becomes ambiguous in that 'the other' is left undefined - it could refer to any item in the list other than the last.

I quite enjoyed the fun in the first half, though I wonder if Vita is as weirded-out by Shamal and Zafira as I am. I imagine it'd be quite a change from what they've been used to for centuries Maybe they bonded over a common lack of screen time?

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by Liingo

That was the only thing that I could spot in terms of anything wrong with this chapter. Not capitalising his name.

Thank you! *pops open WordPerfect and fixes that for the final draft*

Looking back on it, it seems fairly obvious to me who the intruder is, but only after reaching Bardiche's line. Although I'm not sure if that was just because of me not paying enough attention to the fic. I think it should be fine as it is though.

Liingo

Hmmm...that seems to be the consensus, so maybe I was just being oversensitive as the writer? Or maybe it's just that it's a general trope of writing so it works effectively even if it doesn't present a genuine surprise.

(Nina was correct in noticing the segue between scenes...Vivio's talking about what Fate's doing and we cut to Fate; I did the same thing in Chapter 2 when Hayate was talking about the existing users of Ancient Belkan magic before cutting to a Vivio scene...trying to make the scene-jumps a little less jarring, since this story is essentially a suspense novel and so has numerous scenes detailing a wide variety of disparate characters and settings while the plot comes together)

Originally Posted by yuiseppe

Obscure grammatical glitch: 'former' and 'latter' relate to a list of TWO things only. This is so because the terms make a comparison of order to only one other thing, i.e. 'latter' = 'the one that comes after the other'. If you had more than two items, it becomes ambiguous in that 'the other' is left undefined - it could refer to any item in the list other than the last.

I quite enjoyed the fun in the first half, though I wonder if Vita is as weirded-out by Shamal and Zafira as I am. I imagine it'd be quite a change from what they've been used to for centuries Maybe they bonded over a common lack of screen time?

*wince* Damn it, you're right, and I didn't know that; I'd been thinking it could refer to the first (former) or the last (latter) in a list instead of just two. Truth hurts! But hey, not only has the story now been improved (while I had WordPerfect open I changed "latter" to "last of them") but I've also learned something new today! So thank you very much.

As for the romancing Wolkenritter, I think Signum would be more weirded out, myself. Given that Shamal's kind of a "mom" figure for the team anyway and Zafira is the only male (sort of a "dad by default"...hm, I wonder if that's why there are so many Shamal/Signum pairings out there, because Signum is the leader of the family group? ) and Vita is the "child," it's almost more of an enhancement of their existing roles than a change in them. At least that's how I see it...

Oh, and since some of you have expressed liking for my GrimGrimoire fiction in the past, I wanted to let you know that I posted a new seasonal one this morning, "Yes, Virgine, There Is a Santa Claus":
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4730762/1/

It's a total WAFF overload, of course.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

As for the romancing Wolkenritter, I think Signum would be more weirded out, myself. Given that Shamal's kind of a "mom" figure for the team anyway and Zafira is the only male (sort of a "dad by default"...hm, I wonder if that's why there are so many Shamal/Signum pairings out there, because Signum is the leader of the family group? ) and Vita is the "child," it's almost more of an enhancement of their existing roles than a change in them. At least that's how I see it...

I've always seen it as

Signum: Dad
Shamal: Mom
Vita: Kid
Zafira: Pet (Zafira: I'M THE WHAT! Arf: What a good dog you are. Zafira: wolf. )

Though if we go according to canon I believe it's been mentioned that they consider it now (as a whole unit so really the Yagami family in genral)
Hayate: Mom
Sig. Sha. Vita. Zaf: Children
Rein: Youngest child
and I guess Agito is now also the youngest child

[Evil Rick]

So... I'm leaving for vacations tomorrow, I will not be back until January so...

I wish all of you a happy Merry Christmas and my best wishes to all of you for this upcoming 2009

Merry Christmas!

[Kagerou]

Spoiler for Evergreen:

"Ne, Hayate, come to bed."

Hayate looked over her shoulder silently, staring at the small girl that had beckoned her to sleep. The Mistress of the Night Sky smiled, wanting to be alone but at the same time wanting to please the smallest of her knights. She couldn't help but nod. "Sure, Vita-chan, anything for you."

Vita smiled at her master, leading them both to the large bed that they slept in together. Even though Hayate was well past being a teenager, and Vita grown out of needing a source of comfort to sleep, both found solace in each other. It was one of the small comforts that were offered to them in their busy lives as members of the Bureau, so they took every advantage of it that they could.

So as Hayate lay down, she wondered briefly... why does it hurt? and shuddered. That's right...

The two faced each other, and for some reason Vita seemed really happy as Hayate put her arms around the small knight. "Hayate, it's been a while since we talked... you've been so busy, you know?"

"Yeah... sorry," Hayate looked down. "Just... work has been hectic with all that's been going on the past couple of years..."

"Yeah... but hey, we're winning the war!" Vita smiled. "It's just really hard, you know?"

"Yeah..." Hayate looked away. "Everyone's been working so hard, especially since... well..."

Vita didn't need an explanation. "Ne, Hayate... maybe after this is all over, you can finally relax and get your thoughts sorted together, right?"

"Maybe..." Hayate frowned, blinking back something that she wasn't sure were tears or something else. "I just... I can't help but think about that day."

"I know... but part of me doesn't want to, in a way."
"You need too," Vita admonished. "I can't be here every day, and neither can you. It's not healthy. You need to take care of yourself, Hayate."

"But..." She heard the truth in Vita's words. "It's just... so hard now. I miss... this! I miss you, Vita! I can't... it hurts too much to go on like I am." Hayate felt a touch on her arms and let out a sob. "Vita... just five seconds sooner... If I was five seconds faster, than I-"

"No." Vita hushed her master. "Nothing could stop it. Besides, we won that day, didn't we? Just as I promised you we would." Vita touched the pendant on her neck. "There's nothing me and Graf Eisen can't destroy, when protecting you, Hayate."

"But at the cost of-" Hayate couldn't bring herself to say it, even two years later. Vita only shook her head.
"What did Reinforce say, the night before she left?"

"...that living is something we have to do in her place. To live a full life, and be happy, no matter what. No matter how hard it is, keep striving forward." Hayate recalled the words from memory as if they were just told to her.

"And how is this different?" Vita asked Hayate, looking her straight in the eye, no matter how Hayate tried to avoid the Iron Knight's gaze.

"It's... it just is..."
"No... it's no different."

Hayate cried. Tears stained her pillow as she pulled Vita tightly to her. "I... I can't let go... Vita!"
"You have to, though..." Vita patted the back of her master's head as Hayate cried. "Please... Hayate..."

It was a strange reversal, to see Hayate being comforted by the small knight. But for them, it wasn't so strange at all. "Hayate... I love you."

"I- I know..." Hayate choked. "I... I love you too, Vita..."

Fatigue met with Hayate's despair head on, and soon the Mistress found herself falling asleep. She tried fighting it, but Vita only encouraged it, telling her that sleep was good for her, and soon... Hayate was fast asleep in her dreams.

Vita smiled. "Good night, love..."

And then, Vita too, closed her eyes.
And she was gone.

-=-

When Hayate awoke the next morning, she was not surprised to find Vita not in her arms. It was impossible, after all.

Vita had been dead, killed two years ago in a battle that sparked the greatest war the Bureau has ever been in. To her credit, Vita was an army unto herself, culminating when she and Graf Eisen literally cracked the planet they were stationed on, forcing the enemy to retreat as the planet shuddered to this violent change in its face.

As Hayate sat up in bed, she glanced at the picture of her and Vita taken just prior to that... the day they were so happy, looking ahead to the future... the same day, that Vita looked Hayate in the eyes and said "Hayate, I love you," and meant it in such a way that she knew that she had Vita's heart more than she could ever imagine.

It was hard, dealing with it. Indeed, Hayate still could not deal with it. The Knight closest too her had fallen too soon, and Hayate still could not cope. As Nanoha and Fate battled the enemy on far off worlds, and the other Wolkenritter likewise deployed to lead front lines, Hayat feared the worst, as she stayed in the back and issued orders that would lead to men and womens' deaths.

Hayate was going crazy, but her... visions... of Vita soothed her. She knew, logically, that it was her own way of coping with Vita's death, but it couldn't be helped. Hayate... missed her red-haired knight. Missed her so much... missed her to the point of wanting to join her too soon... but she couldn't.

Vita would never forgive her.

"Can I be selfless and live like she wants me too?" Hayate wondered, staring out into the clear blue sky.
"You have too..." an old, familiar voice whispered. "Live, knowing that I'll keep her here until you join her, Meister Hayate."

Hayate bit her lip, nodding slowly.

"But can I do it? Do I have the willpower?"
"Of course you do..." Another voice said, this one much closer.

Hayate turned to see Nanoha, leaned up against the door frame, staring at her friend. "Nanoha-chan...? Why are you here?"

"I have to come get you, Hayate... it's time for the Three Aces to fully return to the front lines." The White Devil smiled sadly at her friend as she walked up to Hayate, putting her arms around the other woman. "Hayate... I know it still hurts... it hurts when I think about Yuuno-kun, or when Fate thinks about Arf... but we have to move on, Hayate-chan... they wouldn't want us to hurt like this."

"But I... I..." Hayate pulled Nanoha into an embrace. "How?"
"Just... Yuuno told me something on the day he died... and it helps, I think..." Nanoha thought back. "It... no, it did help..." She reached in her pocket and pulled out a frayed and burnt green ribbon. She stared at it thoughtfully. "He said, 'Nanoha, live for those days that I can't... and recall those unforgettable days we shared together, okay?' He said that and... so I do."

"Those unforgettable days, for them I live." Nanoha said.

"I..." Hayate looked down, her heart racing. "How?"
"You'll find your way, Hayate. I know you will." She backed away from Hayate and gestured. "Come on, let's get you ready."

Hayate nodded, finding a resolve in herself and latching on to it. Maybe she's right, Vita. I can live for those days, too... I'll never forget you... and it will still be hard but... maybe I can manage now.

As the two women exited, neither noticed the ghostly red wisp that floated at the window, and grew warm...

...as if smiling.

Not my best by far, but just... had to. Inspired, I guess.

[TerranReaper]

Spoiler for KOTR 12:

Knights of the Reich: Chapter 12
“Did you see that flash of light yesterday,” Nanoha asked Hayate the next morning. Hayate nodded and looked at a video clip which depicted the laser shot that came out from the blues. “I dunno what laser this is but this thing is certainly destructive. It shot down 5 cargo planes, 10 sky mages and 3 Terran interceptors. Vice had a close call and he reported that the laser nearly blinded him. If this is one weapon the anarchists are using to fight airborne units, it isn’t showing on any radar.” Hayate said. “It is pretty bright after all. Do you think that this is Terran technology?” Nanoha asked. Hayate scratched her chin and nodded. “It is possible but I think this is more of a long lost Belkan weapon. I don’t think the Terrans would do such a thing,” Hayate said.

“So it seems. What should we do next now that they throw yet another one of their attacks at us? We hardly had a day’s rest and they decided to harass us again,” Nanoha grumbled. Hayate drummed the table with her fingers and thought about it. After moments of silence, she looked at the map of Cranagan and her surrounding area of 20 square miles. “What else can we do besides finding out this weapon and destroying it? Nothing shows up on our radar means that it has to be hidden in a dense forest. I’m not sending our ships to go look for it because they are big targets. Instead, I want you to lead the sky mages for an assault on this tower. Find it and destroy it internally to ensure maximum damage,” Hayate said. “Talk about stupidity, Hayate, I think you’re trying to send us into the lion’s den with only a matchstick,” Nanoha said.

Hayate shook her head while smiling. “Matchstick? Heck, I’m giving you a bazooka. You’ll be going in with compression bombs. Our scientists recently experimented on these bombs and the bang is far greater than any of our ground-based explosives. It can function as a Terran nuclear bomb but the yield of it can be controlled. Imagine when you compress magic and suddenly trigger an explosion within the already volatile magic pool, what do you get?” Hayate asked. “A very big explosion?” Nanoha said. Hayate snapped her finger. “Exactly and that is the concept of our compression bombs. It hasn’t been used on the enemy so with this little crisis in our hands, we’re gonna show them what it’s like to mess with the TSAB,” Hayate grinned.

“Why not send ground troops? I’m sure we have many to spare,” Nanoha said again as she tried to dissuade Hayate from sending them to destroy Beowulf. “The forest is thick and that will certainly slow them down and we don’t really have many ground troops to spare. The quicker we destroy that weapon, the better,” Hayate said. “So this tower is called Beowulf…hopefully it ain’t as big as Capital Defense HQ,” Nanoha mumbled as she exited Hayate’s office, scratching her head. Nanoha was free that afternoon so she took the time to visit Fate at the hospital. “Nanoha, I heard that Vivio and Karyl were captured,” Fate said weakly as she just woke up from her nap. “Yeah but Captain Lance and a scout team are looking for them,” Nanoha said while stroking Fate’s hand. They were cold but Fate’s smile was warmer than her body was.

“I’m sure Lance will find Vivio and Karyl. He will bring them back safely,” Fate said. “You sure do put a lot of trust in him eh,” Nanoha said. “He has proven himself in battle and I heard from his friends that he never failed a mission in his entire 15 year career. He is in constant contact with me as to update on his latest findings. Currently, he is investigating a Belkan ruin that seemed intact enough to be made as a base,” Fate replied. Nanoha smiled and shrugged lamely. “They’re too predictable it seems,” she said smilingly. “I think it’s time for my physiotherapy session again. Nanoha, if you do meet up with Lance, please thank him for me,” Fate said. A nurse came in and helped Fate up slowly. She smiled at Nanoha before escorting Fate to the recovery centre. “Sure, I will thank him for you,” Nanoha said in a low voice.

At exactly 8 p.m. Mid-Childan time, hundreds of sky mages took to the skies. They used enhanced night vision to spot the things on the ground below. “This is Nanoha Takamachi; we’re heading towards the targeted location at best speed. Remain as low as you can but not below 1000 feet. It’s a dense forest we’re flying into so don’t bang into any obstacles,” Nanoha said to the mages. Higher above them was a squadron of 5 Terran jet fighters. They bear the insignia of the Aquila constellation. So obviously, they were called the Aquila Squadron, Earth’s well-known ace squadron. “So ma’am, we’re only getting help from 5 Terran aces? Isn’t this a burial detail?” a mage asked. “No, but if you want one I can always arrange with them,” Nanoha answered.

“Captain Mikhail here, are you mages doing okay down there?” a voice sounded over Nanoha’s COMM. “We’re doing well, Captain Mikhail. What do you see up there?” Nanoha asked back. There was a long pause of static and Mikhail spoke up again. “Entering a forested area. Distance to targeted location is 50 kilometers. We will scout ahead and report to you our findings. In the mean time, try to stay low. Mikhail over and out,” he said with a cool air force accent. Nanoha looked up and saw the 5 jets pick up speed and flew ahead of them, leaving behind a trail of exhaust smoke. The roar of the jet engines faded as they got further.

As they flew for an hour into the forest, they saw a red line passing over them in their monocle’s radar. “Uh, Colonel, what is that?” a mage asked nervously. Nanoha took a look and shook her head. “I’m not sure but it can’t be good,” she muttered. She took out a compression bomb and got ready. Just then, she heard Mikhail over the COMM. “Laser shot heading towards your position! Break formation!” he yelled. Nanoha broke out of the red line just in time when a crimson-purple laser streaked passed her. The laser nearly blinded her as it passed over her head and it felt as hot as an oven. The laser hit a group of mages and totally vaporized them. “That has to be Beowulf! Everyone avoid the red line that appears on your radars!” Nanoha yelled. Another laser streaked passed them and it was a clean miss.

“Mikhail, can you spot Beowulf?!” Nanoha asked. “We have visual on target, Nanoha, and we’re engaging it!” Mikhail said. Nanoha saw flashes of explosions in the distance and assumed that Aquila squadron is bombing the tower. Nanoha beckoned the mages to move forth while avoiding the laser. Another laser flew pass and hit into a nearby mountain, creating a crater as big as the TSAB HQ. “I’m glad I’m not staying there,” a female mage quipped. As they got close, they saw a gleaming tip poking out from the tall trees. It has to be Beowulf. “Mages, be advised that a forcefield is surrounding the tower. We can’t damage it externally so you’ll have to destroy it internally,” Mikhail said. They struggled to get near without getting shot and there were anarchists on the ground below.

“There has to be a way in. Look for any holes in the building so that we may enter,” Nanoha said. The mages scrutinized the building while avoiding trees and the laser. There wasn’t any entrance. The tower was meant to be a weapon, not for someone to go in. Still, it has to be maintained so there must be a maintenance hole. Nanoha got one but only one person could crawl in. “Listen, I have a bomb that will destroy the tower but only I can go in. The rest of you work with Aquila Squadron and try to distract the tower. She got close slowly and crawled into the hole. “Argh, not the damn AMF again,” she grumbled as she entered the tower’s maintenance hole. She felt claustrophobic and the hanging pipes and plasma conduits gave her the creeps as they emitted sparks and vented gas. “The sooner I get this over with the better. Hayate, can you read me?” she said over the COMM channel. There was no reply so she shrugged and continued on. Actually, Hayate was locking lips with someone and she was too “busy to reply and COMM transmissions”. Nanoha crawled into a vent and found that there was a deep drop to next the vent below. She set the bomb timer for 5 minutes and threw it down. “That should give me enough time to bug out,” she said.

She was almost half way to the exit when the timer on her heads-up display stopped. There was 1 minute left but it just stopped there. “Hey, what’s the big idea?” she mumbled. “Compression Bomb timer malfunctioned. Please detonate manually,” a computer voice sounded. Nanoha scratched her head. Did it mean using a remote or pressing the detonation button on the bomb itself? The second choice made her look like a terrorist so she assumed a remote was needed. True enough, she had the remote detonator in her pocket. The bomb was out of range. That means she has to get closer. “Another unlucky thing to my already unlucky day,” Nanoha said. She crawled closer and closer until there was a signal. She pressed the button and in that instant, the whole tower shook as the bomb exploded. Nanoha panicked and quickly crawled to the exit…wherever it was. Her radar display displayed only static so she had to rely on instinct. “This is why I hate vents and small places!” she screamed in tears as she struggled to find the exit before she was killed along.

Can she get out alive?

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

and I guess Agito is now also the youngest child

Doubtful, Agito is several centuries older then Rein.

More likely she's the middle child. Not the oldest, not the youngest. Though there have also been hints that she may have been Signum's Unison Device. Although this isn't confirmed, merely hinted, it should make for interesting fics.

[Jimmy C]

She's the youngest in that she's the newest addition.

[Allquall]

The Name of War
Chapter Eleven:
The Battle of Paxon

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4380342/11/

[Jimmy C]

Poor Hayate, first the scandal, now this. Her stock just sunk even lower.

[Seraph42]

Originally Posted by Allquall

The Name of War
Chapter Eleven:
The Battle of Paxon

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4380342/11/

Oh no! A new enemy has appeared, Hayate missing when they REALLY needed her...
Does any one else have a BAD feeling about this? Even more so when Lethir showed up

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by Allquall

The Name of War
Chapter Eleven:
The Battle of Paxon

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4380342/11/

Multiple bad feelings, Seraph! In fact, what I think is so effective about this chapter is that Hayate's disappearance has managed to play into three separate plot points:

(1) The Hayate/Carim romance: Good one, Hayate; you just left Carim alone to face the music.
(2) The political drama--vanishing suddenly in the middle of a crisis is going to be murder on her political stock
(3) The military/action scenario, in which her not being there has pretty well left all her friends out in the cold.

Lethir's intervention makes me immediately wonder exactly how much of this is planned. After all...

...the force originally sent in to save the base was Hayate's...

...who's not there, resulting in complete disaster (and I'd love to know precisely what bureaucrat intentionally set up that situation)...

...leading to Lethir riding in on his big white horse to save everybody and point out Hayate's uselessness in the middle of a political season.

Oh, yeah, and the rainbow portals that the PLA is using for their attacks just happen to be the same technology that's appearing over Earth, which just happens to be the center of Lethir's "Mid-Childa for Mid-Childans!" platform? Yeah, that's a coincidence. Heck, I'm giving a solid 70% odds right now that either Hayate's been kidnapped outright at this point, or that Lethir's electronic goon squad is deliberately jamming her communications, and if you want to include "a the very least was responsible for the 'Only Hayate can do anything with this force' foul-up" I'll take it straight to 100%. The only thing I'm not certain of at this point is whether Lethir is actually the major villain here or only the point man for some hidden evil. The latter would be more fitting for the series, but the former seems more apropos for this particular piece of fanfiction, especially given the ongoing "military culture class" business from the previous chapters.

...

We're nowhere near the end of this story, are we, Allquall?

[Seraph42]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Multiple bad feelin...

-SNIP-

... the previous chapters.

My thoughts exactly, Especially the kidnapped Hayate
though I didn't think about the romance part

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

We're nowhere near the end of this story, are we, Allquall?

I hope not...

[Allquall]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

...

We're nowhere near the end of this story, are we, Allquall?

We've got a few more truckstops to visit before we exit the highway.
I have to admit that this arch is a joy to write.

[arkhangelsk]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Lethir's intervention makes me immediately wonder exactly how much of this is planned. After all...

...the force originally sent in to save the base was Hayate's...

...who's not there, resulting in complete disaster (and I'd love to know precisely what bureaucrat intentionally set up that situation)...

...leading to Lethir riding in on his big white horse to save everybody and point out Hayate's uselessness in the middle of a political season.

Oh, yeah, and the rainbow portals that the PLA is using for their attacks just happen to be the same technology that's appearing over Earth, which just happens to be the center of Lethir's "Mid-Childa for Mid-Childans!" platform? Yeah, that's a coincidence. Heck, I'm giving a solid 70% odds right now that either Hayate's been kidnapped outright at this point, or that Lethir's electronic goon squad is deliberately jamming her communications, and if you want to include "a the very least was responsible for the 'Only Hayate can do anything with this force' foul-up" I'll take it straight to 100%.

Frankly, I don't see Lethir playing kidnapping or jamming games. He's a villain, but also a political veteran who hardly has to resort to such crudity. The flow of the Midchildran population is very much on his side in this story - if he doesn't get it this election, he gets it next election. And if he ever had such plans, if he or any guys behind him had any brains he'll be aborting them all after Hayate self-immolates - the only thing stopping him now is the smallest chance of discovery if he plays such games.

[ghazghkull]

I has a brainchild!!! >=D This actually came to me just before I went to bed, I hope you like it.

It is a Subaru/Tiana one-shot that I wrote and dished out, so there will be errors.

Spoiler for Diamond Night:

“Pretty, isn’t it?” It was a simple question. In the comfort of their small hotel room, TSAB officers Lanstar Tiana and Nakajima Subaru looked out the window gazing at the snow-blanketed Uminari City. High above, the stars and the moon illuminated the night sky and the city below, creating scenery of white perfection. It was a view of great magnificence. Perfectly smooth, the snow glimmered from the light around, reflecting it all back to the world above, casting up an ethereal glow for all to see, radiating in awe and beauty. Its breath taking scene gentle on the eyes as the city slept.

On temporary leave of absence, the two of them had chosen to spend their vacation on the planet they had heard much about. With everything having been set up by Nanoha, all they had to do was pack their bags and settled in the hotel that had been secured for them. Left with nothing to do for the evening, they sat on their bed and watched the snow fall.

“Yeah, it sure is,” Tiana answered. Although her eyes were ahead, her mind was focused more on Subaru. Having both just had a shower, they were both clad in nothing but towels, with Subaru’s arm wrapped around Tiana holding her close, while her other hand held onto one of Tiana’s idly playing with it. Tiana for her part simply let Subaru do whatever she wanted, and simply rested her head against Subaru’s.

“This is…kinda embarrassing,” Subaru sheepishly commented, nervously laughing.

“You think,” Tiana sighed, lightly bumping her head against Subaru’s. “We just showered, and we’re naked with nothing but towels, in a hotel room.” Subaru simply giggled at the statement and nipped Tiana’s nose, only to receive a head butt squarely between the eyes.

“Tia,” she whined, “what was that for…”

“For being an idiot,” she replied, crossing her arms and maintained her attention towards the front, while occasional watching Subaru rub the bridge of her nose while looking at her in such a childish fashion. Although she would never admit it to anyone, but herself, that was one of Subaru’s most endearing qualities that she liked. She knew when to be serious, but whenever they were off duty, or in situations where such restrictive protocols dictated how they acted, she dropped every single mask, revealing her cheery disposition. She always had a smile on her face, and was always cheery and childish, almost to a fault. But despite that, it was one of the many reasons why she loved the girl. There wasn’t anything about her that she would change.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Subaru suddenly exclaimed, clamouring over to the other side of the bed. Tiana watched her with mild curiosity wondering what Subaru was grabbing. Watching though also treated her with the sight of Subaru’s well-rounded and well toned rump, and muscular legs. She immediately snapped her attention towards the front, face ablaze with embarrassment. Unfortunately, the damage had been done. Her mind already began to process what she had seen, and various aspects of her mind began to come up with various ideas of what to do to all that.

‘Oh c’mon, give me a break,’ she mentally screamed in frustration.

“Already thinking about that?” Subaru teased, causing Tiana to scream in fright.

“Subaru you idiot!” Tiana screamed, whacking Subaru across the top of her head. “Don’t do that!”

“Itte, te, te, te…” Subaru mumbled, rubbing the top of her head with one hand, the other clutching a nearly wrapped box. “Gomen…”

“Hmpf,” Tiana huffed, looking back towards the window, her face still red, both from what she saw and embarrassment of what happened just now. She jumped somewhat when the lights were suddenly turned off. Looking back, she was about to give Subaru a piece of her mind, when she beat her to it.

“Here,” Subaru stated, procuring the small thin box towards Tiana.

“Huh?” Regarding the box a moment, she accepted the box and looked up towards Subaru who had a large grin plastered across her face. Her eyes lit with excitement, quietly urging her to open up the box. Acquiescing, she pulled off the bow that had been stickered onto the package, and starting to undo the wrapping using the light of the moon above them to see. Unwrapping the present, she found herself holding a simple black box in her hands.

Quirking an eyebrow, she looked over towards Subaru who said, “Open it.” Examining the box, she found a thin line that went around the perimeter of the object. Subaru watched in glee at Tiana’s breath taken expression.

In the box, laid one of the most beautiful diamond necklaces Tiana had ever seen. Focal point of the whole presentation was a heart-shaped diamond bordered with a silver rim dotted with red rubies, glimmering in the moonlight. Flanked on either side, three diamond crystals supported the image of beauty that was held in her hands, also rimmed in the same material, but lacking the crimson jewels that the center piece had. Tying together what was the most beautiful present Tiana had ever laid eyes on was a simple but elegant silver chain.

“Subaru…” she whispered, unable to come up with the words to express how she felt.

“Merry Christmas, Tia,” Subaru quietly stated, careful not to ruin the mood. Picking up the necklace, she held up the ornament, silently asking if she could put it on. Receiving an affirming nod, she gently undid the clasp, and reached behind Tiana’s head and hooked the chain together once more. As Tiana pulled her hair free, Subaru picked up a mirror she had pulled out and sat behind Tiana as she held up the mirror for them to see. Before them was the most beautiful angel Subaru had ever seen. Glimmering in the moonlight, the necklace brought forth a radiating glow from the woman she loved. Her fiery hair, her crimson blush, her alabaster skin, it all exuded a heavenly aura, one that could only seen by her and her alone. Her sapphire eyes looked on in wonder at the sight before her. She had no idea what to make of saw.

“Subaru,” she breathed out again, reaching up to touch the necklace. “How…why…”

“Why not?” Subaru answered back, pulling Tiana into a hug pressing her back against her front. “Do I need a reason to buy something for someone I love?”

“Subaru…”

“Shh…do you like it?”

“I…I…” Finding the words the wanted to say caught in her throat she turned to Subaru with the only other answer she could think of. She pressed her lips against Subaru’s in a soft but long-lasting kiss. Feeling herself pulled in closer, her arms snaked around Subaru’s waist, pulling herself deeper into her, as she felt Subaru’s tongue lightly caressing her, handling her as if she was the more fragile thing in the world. Hot tears streamed down her face as they kissed. She never knew why, but she always cried whenever Subaru was this gentle with her. Perhaps it was because she knew, that deep in her heart that even if she dated another woman, no one would be able to handle her, to love her, to care for her, the way Subaru does.

As their lips parted for air, a blissful smile graced Tiana’s features. “You’re an idiot, you know that?” She whispered quietly, their lips but a few inches from each other, that they felt each others warm breaths against one another. “You didn’t need to get me anything…”

“I know…I know,” Subaru answered, briefly brushing her lips against Tiana’s. “Merry Christmas, Tia.”

“Merry Christmas, Subaru.”

[Advent000]

Originally Posted by arkhangelsk

Frankly, I don't see Lethir playing kidnapping or jamming games. He's a villain, but also a political veteran who hardly has to resort to such crudity. The flow of the Midchildran population is very much on his side in this story - if he doesn't get it this election, he gets it next election. And if he ever had such plans, if he or any guys behind him had any brains he'll be aborting them all after Hayate self-immolates - the only thing stopping him now is the smallest chance of discovery if he plays such games.

How I see it is, Hayate went from nothing to everything very quickly that makes her very dangerous, so yeah there's the risk of him being discovered, but leaving Hayate to recover has a potentially greater risk as she may make a comeback. That's my theory anyway.

[arkhangelsk]

If there were more days to the election, I'll agree. But basically they were on the Final Turn - there's no time for either side to seriously recover from any scandals they are caught with. He can get a few more bunny points with his Hero Show now, but considering they were close before the scandal, he almost certainly has all the votes he needs to comfortably win at this point.

Let's give it a try:

Originally Posted by Allquall

I. Story: Chapter/Part:

OK, umm, The Name of War, Ch.11.

II. What kept me reading:
(Suggested points to address)
-Prose:
-Characterization:
-Attention to detail:
-Plot/storyline:

Uh, let's see. I think I pretty much agree with Kagerou about why this story was good.

For this chapter, you tried out a battle scene. The nice part is that the feeling of general confusion and desperation of a battle was portrayed. This may be a good or bad thing, depending on whether you intended to show us that confusion. I'm sorry I can't come up with more positives, but I was never a good praiser and frankly this is not one of your stronger chapters, and I'll try and explain why below.

[quote]III. Changes I suggest to facilitate story flow:

A. Objective Changes (no debate needed on these):
-spelling
-grammar
-punctuation
-continuity

I didn't specially look, however, nothing particularly stood out, so I suppose any errors here aren't jarring, for me at least. For continuity, I think we left the continuity behind over 10 years ago with your story, so you are more or less on free ground.

Wait, there was one: "Signum and Vita (along with Rein and Agito) have been sent with an infantry division to alleviate the siege." I suppose grammatically this is fine. But can people really put things in parantheses when they are speaking?

B. Subjective Changes (changes are debatable):
-comments relating to strengthening the storyline
-word choice suggestions
-Character issues
-Suggested character changes

I suppose the weakest part of this chapter is tempo. While there was a good bit of text before the battle itself, it all managed to produce a feeling of rushing through it - almost like you wanted to get all that touchy-feely stuff over with and into your first real battle (at least in this story). Perhaps it is because you had too many little events and actions going on in that space, so while there were many words the Words-per-Action ratio is low, creating a feeling of rushedness.

Further down, when you ticked down the hours until Nanoha's air gave out, you didn't manage to convincingly depict the passage of time - another tempo problem. Time compression is part and parcel of storywriting but you must show that time passed.

Right now, every time you scribble TEN HOURS OF AIR REMAIN TO YOU, MY MASTER!, my brain is like "Do you mean ten minutes? Because from the events you wrote, it seems more like a few minutes had passed since the previous time hack than a few hours."

The other weakest part is uhh, basically almost the whole operation itself. Unfortunately, it is the meat of the chapter, I'll just try and go for a few without FISKing:

1) Shari: If I had to guess these people's relationship based on your diction and all, I'll have guessed Shari was the boss. And it is highly unlikely - Shari was enlisted and Nanoha and Fate were officers. Even after many years it seems unlikely that Shari will climb over their head, and I really don't remember reading about anything like that happening in your previous chapters.

2) Fate: OK, Fate is being used as some kind of power source for the shields and guns , which is funny because ships can produce their own shield power and even charge Arcenciels. Ah well... but why is she the pilot. She admits she has no natural talent, if she ever had so much as a course on heavy ship steering I don't think you've mentioned it. Are there no specialists around to drive? A bunch of gunners even, but no pilot (vessel steerer, in the Midchildran lexicon).

3) Concept of Operation: Umm, OK, to the outside, they are saying this is a pirate hostage situation, while they are really trying on a reconaissance mission. However, how can they expect the pirate hostage story to hold when they've sent entire divisions into action. Even if they don't know all of what is happening, it is hard to see how the cover story of "pirate hostage situation" won't be busted by talkative infantrymen. The busting will no doubt whet the appetites of aggressive journalists...

4) AA: The whole limiter thing feels a little contrived. Anyway, Nanoha looks really dumb saying "but I really would hate to fight anything that is higher than AA anyway.” Surely, that's not the point! And the phrase choice makes the idea of this being meant to soothe Shari a bit weak IMO. How about something more on the lines of "I'll be all right."

5) "Navy", "Air Force": I shudder every time you refer to the air force mages as "Air Force" or the ship's crew as "Navy". You don't refer to individuals within an organization as the organization itself. Try referring to the Air Force mages as "mages" or yes, "soldiers", and the crew as uh, the "crew" or "gunners". For the mages, it is even better if you can also use call signs - it makes them easy to reference. Or reference the leader of the respective organizations. For example, the ship should have a captain of some sort, so why not say "Captain, call the ship to battle stations". Almost anything would make the story sound better.

6) Organization of command: Nanoha seems to be in overall front-line command, and this satisfies the principle of one-man command, but surely, she should not be micromanaging the firing of the ship's guns even when she's outside, especially since she doesn't have a single subordinate commander for her quad-cores in sight...

7) The radio net: They are using secure communications. That's about the end of the positives. How did Vita, who's somewhere in the ground force division, get Nanoha's number despite the fact they were dispatched separately. In fact, it seems like almost everyone, from the AF and Navy's top commanders to Nanoha to Fate to the quad core to the separately dispatched ground division are sharing this one frequency (and Lethir calls everyone using one freq, to tell them to switch to another one in the end). Why it is free enough that anyone can talk to anyone else is a mystery. No wonder they are losing ... in addition to everything else, there simply isn't enough communications!

8) The Bureaucracy Game: Having it last 20 hours is IMO quite implausible. Does Hayate have no deputy? No one next in the chain of command?

Quite frankly, these 8 factors (and more) add up, and create a sense of unreality to the whole operation.

[Advent000]

Originally Posted by arkhangelsk

If there were more days to the election, I'll agree. But basically they were on the Final Turn - there's no time for either side to seriously recover from any scandals they are caught with. He can get a few more bunny points with his Hero Show now, but considering they were close before the scandal, he almost certainly has all the votes he needs to comfortably win at this point.

By comeback, I didn't mean for this election specifically, I wasn,t clear on that sorry. But there's the next election when Lethirs term is up, and before then Hayate could still work against him by turning key figures and public support against him. No democratic leader can go against public opinion if they want to last long. With this rescue he's destroying Hayate's key personel's trust in her, and basically trashing whats left of her reputation.