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Old 2004-06-12, 03:58   Link #1
Roots
外人、漫画訳者
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Age: 35
Smile Share your literary creations

I had something I wanted to be critiqued and realized it would be better to make a thread where everyone can share their work, so here we are

What to post: your own short stories, novels, poems, fanfics (even though personally I dislike them), etc.
What not to post: manga (belongs in fan art forum)

(Mods feel free to edit the above list as you feel necessary).



Alright so here's what I have to share. For a long time now I've wanted to make my own game and I had some ideas in my head that I decided to finally write down today. I started out writing a description of the introduction to the game, and somehow it turned into a 9 page prologue for a novel . Anyways, I think its an important first step because in the game I'm making I want to spend a lot of time developing the plot. A good storyline is the most important thing I look for in a game, and I'd like mine to have a strong one. Specifically, the things I'd like the most (and perhaps harshest) critiques on are:

- The overall story. Was it interesting? Did it lack something important?
- The formatting. I'm not an English major and I haven't written anything like this since high school (Did I make too many paragraphs?)
- IMPACT! According to the author of Midori no Hibi, the god of manga told him impact was important. Did my story have it?

Here it is

If you didn't read the whole thing because you were too busy, bored, or it just plain sucked and you still want to critique, please tell me what point you stopped at (and why). Please go easy on me in your critiques Its hard pulling out the long-forgotten creativity that resides deep in my engineering brain


Spoiler for Wait until after you've read it!:

Last edited by Roots; 2004-06-18 at 20:57.
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Old 2004-06-12, 16:53   Link #2
CerealKiller
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I guess i'll just post a poem i once had to write for English, it had to be a poem in which we had to say goodbye to our beloved ones, mine was....slightly different from the others and well... read for yourselves

I couldn't stand you any more
That's why I beat you up and threw you out the second floor
ow, you were such an annoying wife,
that's why i decided to use my knife
And if you ever get to read this note
I must have forgotten to slit your throat.
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Old 2004-06-12, 18:19   Link #3
Roots
外人、漫画訳者
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Age: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by CerealKiller
I guess i'll just post a poem i once had to write for English, it had to be a poem in which we had to say goodbye to our beloved ones, mine was....slightly different from the others and well... read for yourselves

I couldn't stand you any more
That's why I beat you up and threw you out the second floor
ow, you were such an annoying wife,
that's why i decided to use my knife
And if you ever get to read this note
I must have forgotten to slit your throat.
Haha, that's umm a little disturbing but I like it nonetheless. But why did you say 'ow, you were such an annoying wife'? The ow seems out of place to me, I think it would sound better if it were removed.



Anyway, after receiving feedback from a couple people they demanded more so I wrote the rest of the prologue I had been saving. The last six paragraphs are brand new material I think I should draw some concept art for the story too (since it will eventually be in a game, hopefully). I have the most awesome image of the castle and town in my mind right now. If only I could get transfer that image to paper well enough, you guys will be like WOAH! I''m sure of it
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Old 2004-06-12, 20:11   Link #4
killmoms
Former Triad Typesetter
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Washington, DC
Age: 33
Stuff to critique, eh? Hmm.

Chew on this: my writing portfolio.

There's a lot there. Pick something, preferably one of my stories—the best one is Found and Lost, which I spent a lot of time revising (read: completely re-wrote it). The rest are just exercises. This was prepared for my creative writing course in college that I just finished this last semester.

--Cless
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Old 2004-06-12, 22:04   Link #5
LoveOfAnime
~Lost in the Moonlight~
 
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@ Roots As I said earlier, MAN THAT SHOULD BE A NOVEL!!! Keep it going..

@ Cereal Killer I laughed my a@@ off. Good humor!!!!!

@ ClessAlvein I cried it was good but my one question would be, Why didn't she
ask him the hard questions? From what I would guess, He may
never have even known Clarice was pregnant.




Roots- Beat ya too it.........It will be a short while before I can add mine......THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by LoveOfAnime; 2004-06-12 at 23:31. Reason: Wanted to add
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Old 2004-06-13, 00:01   Link #6
Serendipity
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Roots, your prologue is very descriptive and I think you should continue to develop it. Excellent base for a story... However, is "gotten" a word??

ClessAlvein - you too have some excellent work there, I read the first story and I will take a squiz at the rest...

I write quite a bit of poetry...
I would post one right now, but I can't find my poetry book...
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Old 2004-06-13, 00:15   Link #7
Roots
外人、漫画訳者
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Austin, TX
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sexy-no-Jutsu
Roots, your prologue is very descriptive and I think you should continue to develop it. Excellent base for a story...
Thanks, I'm happy you liked it! From everyone's comments I'm starting to think of dropping the game idea (for now at least) and to continue writing. The idea of doing so seems so far-fetched to me right now though. I've never written anything like this in my entire life.

I actually first thought of that story/game idea back when I was in 8th grade. Lets see that was....about 9 years ago now. I have a bit of a procrastination problem eh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sexy-no-Jutsu
However, is "gotten" a word??.
It is if I say it is No actually it really is. Gotten is the past participal of get.



Even though you said it was descriptive, I can't help but wonder if its enough. I mean, I didn't describe the castle town much at all and I didn't go very deep into describing characters (I only described the outstanding features in each really). Should I describe these things fully and paint a complete picture for the reader, or should I leave it as it is and let the reader's imagination fill in the holes? Hmm, well it would take a lot of words to describe the image that is in my head, so I think spreading some sketches along the work would do well to compensate for the deficiency in my writing. At least that's how I feel. Comments?
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Old 2004-06-13, 01:24   Link #8
LoveOfAnime
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I think so.........imho too much description gets boring....A good book is based on strong plot not strong description. That is why Harry Potter is so addictive, JK writes very simply and sucks you into the plot not in depth descriptions........just my opinion tho'
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Old 2004-06-13, 03:11   Link #9
CerealKiller
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roots
Haha, that's umm a little disturbing but I like it nonetheless. But why did you say 'ow, you were such an annoying wife'? The ow seems out of place to me, I think it would sound better if it were removed.
The ow is for a better rythm
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Old 2004-06-13, 06:37   Link #10
AG3
Inactive ex-WoW addict
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
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I could post all the songs I wrote on the old forum before it imploded, but it would just lead this thread to an early grave.

CerealKiller, that poem is rather... disturbing
I'll bet your teacher gave you some "constructive" feedback for it

*Edit*

Wasn't there a "share your poem" thread or something posted here not too long ago? Maybe you should've bumped that thread instead of making a new one.
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Old 2004-06-13, 07:15   Link #11
Serendipity
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roots
Even though you said it was descriptive, I can't help but wonder if its enough. I mean, I didn't describe the castle town much at all and I didn't go very deep into describing characters (I only described the outstanding features in each really). Should I describe these things fully and paint a complete picture for the reader, or should I leave it as it is and let the reader's imagination fill in the holes? Hmm, well it would take a lot of words to describe the image that is in my head, so I think spreading some sketches along the work would do well to compensate for the deficiency in my writing. At least that's how I feel. Comments?
I don't think there is much need to describe the town so much now.. too much description at the beginning of a story can make things a bit "tricky". You set the scene perfectly, describing the landscape, etc. Drip feed the rest of the descriptive information as the story continues..

I just looked up "gotten".. apparently it is a word... I thought it was slang for "got".. but I was wrong.. my bad!
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Old 2004-06-13, 08:42   Link #12
CerealKiller
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AG3
CerealKiller, that poem is rather... disturbing
I'll bet your teacher gave you some "constructive" feedback for it
Let's say she was surprised about it, but in a non-negative way, i even had to read it out in front of the class
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Old 2004-06-13, 15:10   Link #13
Roots
外人、漫画訳者
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Age: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by AG3
Wasn't there a "share your poem" thread or something posted here not too long ago? Maybe you should've bumped that thread instead of making a new one.
But my work wasn't a poem. "Share your literary creations" has a much broader spectrum than just poems "

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sexy-no-Jutsu
I don't think there is much need to describe the town so much now.. too much description at the beginning of a story can make things a bit "tricky". You set the scene perfectly, describing the landscape, etc. Drip feed the rest of the descriptive information as the story continues..
You and LoveOfAnime make a good point. I will resist the temptation to be overly-descriptive. The only bad thing is I don't plan to have any action or events take place in Harrvah for a long time, so I can't use the 'drip-feeder' approach there. Well, that's an excellent reason why there will be illustrations!



By the way, I have posted a thread detailing some features of the game I plan to implement here for anyone who is interested.
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Old 2004-06-13, 18:21   Link #14
LoveOfAnime
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Talking Here is my share

Roots, you asked for it, here it is............Chapter Something


Before you read it I would like to give you all a little background info. This is a little peice of a novel that I have written. The novel being a regency era romance. I want to know what you all think of this little section. WARNING - This is kind of the scary part as The herione has been fooled into the psycho's lair......lol The kinds of things I am looking for are

1. Is it to scary/frightening?
2. Is it believeable?
3. Do you like/dislike it?

Thanks.........I appreciate anyone who would take the time to read it, as it is small maybe 1-2 pages in length, and no one else has read this part as of yet so you guys are all first. lol




Geez A little Harsh huh? Not a single person willing to read............

Last edited by LoveOfAnime; 2004-06-14 at 17:08.
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Old 2004-06-14, 18:16   Link #15
Roots
外人、漫画訳者
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Age: 35
Sorry LoA, I've been so busy with my own project I put off reading your chapter. I just read it and here are the answers to your questions as well as my comments:

1) I think you brought the fear across extremely well. I'm feeling a little creeped out now actually
2) Umm, there wasn't anything that seemed unbelievable to me. So yes it is believable.
3) I liked it a lot. It sounds like one of those scary books that Joey from Friends would put in the freezer

The Good
- Excellent level of description. I had just enough detail to paint the entire scene in my mind.

- Very good sense of emotion/fear.

The Bad
- First of all, if you post something on the web for us to read you need to format it so it's more readable. You lumped everything into one HUGE paragraph, which probably discouraged other people from reading it.

- You need to re-read and edit it heavily! There were a lot of grammar mistakes, a few mis-spellings, and a couple of phrases should be re-worded. (particularly where you use 'she prayed blah' two sentences in a row. I would recommend www.dictionary.com and using their thesauras. That's what I did when I wrote my work

- Commas are your friends! I hardly saw any commas and I was heavily disappointed for they are my favorite grammar mark. Particularly use them to provide a pause in sentences, except where they are not needed (<= note proper pause in this sentence! Remove the comma and you are reading two opposing phrases together as one, which is a bad thing)

- In the dialogue of the evil dude, I would recommend you break your longer sentences up into shorter ones. The way I read it, this guy is talking slowly and calmly, in a very creepy way.

The Summary
If you can fix your numerous grammar mistakes and rephrase some of your sentences, I think you have a real winner there. Keep it up!
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Old 2004-06-14, 20:32   Link #16
LoveOfAnime
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roots
Sorry LoA, I've been so busy with my own project I put off reading your chapter. I just read it and here are the answers to your questions as well as my comments:

The Bad
- First of all, if you post something on the web for us to read you need to format it so it's more readable. You lumped everything into one HUGE paragraph, which probably discouraged other people from reading it.

- You need to re-read and edit it heavily! There were a lot of grammar mistakes, a few mis-spellings, and a couple of phrases should be re-worded. (particularly where you use 'she prayed blah' two sentences in a row. I would recommend www.dictionary.com and using their thesauras. That's what I did when I wrote my work

- Commas are your friends! I hardly saw any commas and I was heavily disappointed for they are my favorite grammar mark. Particularly use them to provide a pause in sentences, except where they are not needed (<= note proper pause in this sentence! Remove the comma and you are reading two opposing phrases together as one, which is a bad thing)

- In the dialogue of the evil dude, I would recommend you break your longer sentences up into shorter ones. The way I read it, this guy is talking slowly and calmly, in a very creepy way.

The Summary
If you can fix your numerous grammar mistakes and rephrase some of your sentences, I think you have a real winner there. Keep it up!
Roots, Thanks for the input. Sorry about the lumping up. I just went back and made it single spaced. (I am just learning HTML with coffecup)! As for the spelling I fixed the misspelled words. If you could point out some grammatical errors I would much appreciate it as that is my weak point. You were right about the evil guy, at some points he is very slow and creepy at other times he is supposed to come across as a spoiled child. For example when he talks to her about being friends..............He switches back and forth.

One thing I have to point out is Comma's are not your friends. You only use them to separate two parts of a sentence to make it a whole. Comma's lead to run on sentences!. Big no no That is why you did not see very many. Anyway thanks for taking the time to read it and for the help........................
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Old 2004-06-15, 16:35   Link #17
aahhsin
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
I was walking to the park. I saw 2 leaves fall. After a slight breeze, the leaves blew away. I proceeded to walk to the park.

Here's a blog article I wrote. Man o' man did girls get pissed at me at this one...

Spoiler:
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Old 2004-06-15, 19:47   Link #18
Serendipity
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aahhsin
I was walking to the park. I saw 2 leaves fall. After a slight breeze, the leaves blew away. I proceeded to walk to the park.

Here's a blog article I wrote. Man o' man did girls get pissed at me at this one...

Spoiler:
I have never thought any of the stuff written in the spoiler to be true. In fact,
Spoiler:
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Old 2004-06-15, 20:00   Link #19
aahhsin
Senior Member
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sexy-no-Jutsu
I have never thought any of the stuff written in the spoiler to be true. In fact,
Spoiler:
Example of a girl getting pissed at what I just wrote.

I could have sworn I never used all, there are exceptions, but who cares. You're not like that? Good for you.
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Old 2004-06-15, 23:58   Link #20
Lord Raiden
Uber Coffee for da win!
 
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Middle of insanity
You can read some of my works I've posted online here.

I've got 4 books posted, 2 completed, 2 in progress. Feel free to read them and tell me what you think.
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