Dating

[Kaijo]

As strange as it may seem, it does work. I was skeptical, too, when I first heard about all these techniques; I'm a scientist by nature, and skeptical to new ideas. Then I tried it on a few women, and was incredibly surprised when they made the moves on me.

Of course, there are downsides. I had to be someone else, and I didn't like pretending to be someone else. I ultimately learned I wanted someone to like me for who I am, and not who I pretend to be. So I held onto a few of the traits, but I don't actively try them much anymore. I also realized that having a woman isn't the best thing in the world, when she's an idiot, heh. My standards went up.

The single biggest thing that attracts women, though, is confidence. Pure and simple. The sleaziest, most douchebag guy can pick up almost any woman just by oozing confidence. Pay attention to the popular guys who seem to get all the women, and they do this naturally. They don't try to be the caring, emotional friend.

If I could recommend one book, it would be "Double Your Dating" by David DeAngelo. He's known in other circles as a dating guru, and his advice does work, although it takes some time to learn. But like I said, you have to prepare yourself to make changes to your personality and approach, which I ultimately wasn't comfortable with. But you can walk into a place, and get half the women's numbers easily, even those who say they'd never give them out.

[Ricky Controversy]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Gonna disagree with this, totally. Sure, you can get to know her, but if you present yourself as a friend, you will be friend-zoned. There are girls who can fall for a friend, but 99% of women will fall for a confident guy that doesn't come under her sway.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

I think you're overestimating the value of the 'not affected' factor and conflating it somewhat with the 'confident' factor. Confidence is a major attraction feature, but there is a difference between that and aloofness. Generally the latter is considered a factor of 'coolness', but most people are smart enough to outgrow that superfluous association of the two when they have some experience.

Now, I will say that going 100% the other way and laying all the cards on the table right away is unwise, but that has less to do with a sense of mystery and more to do with perceptual differences: the effect of hearing about someone's qualities and feelings is very different than the effect of observing them for yourself, and the two generally produce different judgments and decisions on the other person's part.

Rather than intentionally trying to play a little game with a mind towards ensnaring someone you're interested in, it's far better to invest that mental energy into cultivating a balanced, strong nature. A fitting partner to confidence is thoughtfulness. Know yourself well enough to know when to speak your mind and when to reserve it, not out of a desire to make yourself mysterious, but out of an understanding of the necessities of your life. Choose your words carefully not out of any desire to evoke specific reactions, but out of a desire to frame your thoughts with the utmost possible accuracy.

The spirit of Kaijo's post is relevant: a strong and steady demeanor is very attractive to men and women alike. But if it's something you do as part of a game to draw somebody in, then when that novel sheen wears off and you reveal yourself to be different in nature, it will cause problems later. If you really want to be a more attractive person, then step away from the dating scene for a good long while, figure out how you want to cultivate your maturity, and then do it in earnest, applying it to every facet of your life.

The single biggest thing that attracts women, though, is confidence. Pure and simple. The sleaziest, most douchebag guy can pick up almost any woman just by oozing confidence. Pay attention to the popular guys who seem to get all the women, and they do this naturally. They don't try to be the caring, emotional friend.

If I could recommend one book, it would be "Double Your Dating" by David DeAngelo. He's known in other circles as a dating guru, and his advice does work, although it takes some time to learn. But like I said, you have to prepare yourself to make changes to your personality and approach, which I ultimately wasn't comfortable with. But you can walk into a place, and get half the women's numbers easily, even those who say they'd never give them out.

Vis a vis this post, I would repeat what I said above...but I would also say that your comment about standards going up is very relevant, because the simple fact is that people who are attracted to confidence regardless of the rest of the individual's traits are not people one should aspire to be with. Confidence is certainly--and should be--a major attraction factor for people across the board, but if they are moved to pursue someone on that basis alone, then they are likely either shallow or not very self-aware.

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

I think you're overestimating the value of the 'not affected' factor and conflating it somewhat with the 'confident' factor. Confidence is a major attraction feature, but there is a difference between that and aloofness. Generally the latter is considered a factor of 'coolness', but most people are smart enough to outgrow that superfluous association of the two when they have some experience.

Now, I will say that going 100% the other way and laying all the cards on the table right away is unwise, but that has less to do with a sense of mystery and more to do with perceptual differences: the effect of hearing about someone's qualities and feelings is very different than the effect of observing them for yourself, and the two generally produce different judgments and decisions on the other person's part.

Rather than intentionally trying to play a little game with a mind towards ensnaring someone you're interested in, it's far better to invest that mental energy into cultivating a balanced, strong nature. A fitting partner to confidence is thoughtfulness. Know yourself well enough to know when to speak your mind and when to reserve it, not out of a desire to make yourself mysterious, but out of an understanding of the necessities of your life. Choose your words carefully not out of any desire to evoke specific reactions, but out of a desire to frame your thoughts with the utmost possible accuracy.

The spirit of Kaijo's post is relevant: a strong and steady demeanor is very attractive to men and women alike. But if it's something you do as part of a game to draw somebody in, then when that novel sheen wears off and you reveal yourself to be different in nature, it will cause problems later. If you really want to be a more attractive person, then step away from the dating scene for a good long while, figure out how you want to cultivate your maturity, and then do it in earnest, applying it to every facet of your life.



Vis a vis this post, I would repeat what I said above...but I would also say that your comment about standards going up is very relevant, because the simple fact is that people who are attracted to confidence regardless of the rest of the individual's traits are not people one should aspire to be with. Confidence is certainly--and should be--a major attraction factor for people across the board, but if they are moved to pursue someone on that basis alone, then they are likely either shallow or not very self-aware.

Let me first say you're right in several respects; the pickup game is pretty much a game. I recommend solely to people who don't have much experience with women, or are highly nervous around them. The whole idea is to fake the confidence, until you get enough experience with women to be able to relate to them more as an equal.

It's probably not gonna find you your life mate (though anything can happen), but it will give you the fundamentals to properly deal with your life mate when you find her, because you'll have more experience with women, and understand them better.

If you don't have what it takes to attract your life mate in the first place, then you aren't gonna find her. So all this advice is designed to break a guy out of his mold into new territory, and a lot of it is pure mental on your part. Adjust your thinking, and your behavior will change accordingly.

[Pocky Yoshi]

A dating thread?! Well, I'm still single......hehehehe ^-^"

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

I know of a guy that, once he took a woman out, he didn't call her. She eventually called him, and he told her was busy watching a game and hung up on her. She was upset, but it only made her want him more. Granted, that's an extreme case (and not something you have to do), but the principle applies.

Don't let yourself open your feelings to her. Once you do, she'll make haste to distance herself from you. You gotta keep the mystery.

I guess that might work for women who like talking on the phone... I've always hated the phone. I never call anyone and even my friends have protested a few times. I just hate talking on the phone and have always been like this. Ever since I had my first bf at 15, it was always the guy who called me. If a guy had waited for me to call him, even after going out, he would have waited forever. Maybe that's why a guy I used to go out with when I was 19 or 20 would say I seemed disconnected. I never even realized he wanted a relationship and whenever he called me to go out, I always went out with him considering him a friend. He only realized I only saw him as a friend when I started dating someone else.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Don't let yourself open your feelings to her. Once you do, she'll make haste to distance herself from you. You gotta keep the mystery.

Err... This really really depends on the girl and her personality. I have a brother who blurts to a girl that he likes her, just like that, and the girl giggles and goes out with him that same night. Sometimes, it truly makes me sick and I wonder how he manages to get so many girls to go out with him by being a clown. He doesn't distance himself from them one bit. In fact, he calls them a lot and has quite an ability to conquer them with words. There's no ounce of mystery about him. He is just a confident clown who also happens to have good looks.

Also, some girls can take distance as no interest whatsoever. I also wonder if cultural backgrounds influence too.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Shiemi

Also, some girls can take distance as no interest whatsoever. I also wonder if cultural backgrounds influence too.

*raises hand*

Guilty. I'm the type of girl who, unless I get very clear "I'm interested in you" signals from anyone, I don't even give them the time of day or consider them a romantic prospect. I see no reason to since they aren't asking for more, and it never crosses my mind that they're trying the distance tactic to get my attention. My boyfriend gets major points in the honesty department because he was always very up front about what he felt for me and what he hoped for, even when we were starting to talk and just joking around.

[Otaku Emperor]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Gonna disagree with this, totally. Sure, you can get to know her, but if you present yourself as a friend, you will be friend-zoned. There are girls who can fall for a friend, but 99% of women will fall for a confident guy that doesn't come under her sway.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

Think about it: She probably has more than one guy interested in her; what makes you different? Most people, even guys, will instinctually want what they can't have. That's why teens rebel, and why the forbidden fruit is so desirable. If you make yourself a hard target, and not anyone's doormat, she'll find herself wanting you more. Once she's into you, then you can loosen up a bit and act more caring; as long as you're careful not to lose the confident edge.

So while being a friend holds a chance, it's much smaller than the other option. I know of a guy that, once he took a woman out, he didn't call her. She eventually called him, and he told her was busy watching a game and hung up on her. She was upset, but it only made her want him more. Granted, that's an extreme case (and not something you have to do), but the principle applies.

Don't let yourself open your feelings to her. Once you do, she'll make haste to distance herself from you. You gotta keep the mystery.

? I personally find it a turn off if people do that to me (I tend to find if people do that, I go on to someone else)

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

I think you're overestimating the value of the 'not affected' factor and conflating it somewhat with the 'confident' factor. Confidence is a major attraction feature, but there is a difference between that and aloofness. Generally the latter is considered a factor of 'coolness', but most people are smart enough to outgrow that superfluous association of the two when they have some experience.

Now, I will say that going 100% the other way and laying all the cards on the table right away is unwise, but that has less to do with a sense of mystery and more to do with perceptual differences: the effect of hearing about someone's qualities and feelings is very different than the effect of observing them for yourself, and the two generally produce different judgments and decisions on the other person's part.

Rather than intentionally trying to play a little game with a mind towards ensnaring someone you're interested in, it's far better to invest that mental energy into cultivating a balanced, strong nature. A fitting partner to confidence is thoughtfulness. Know yourself well enough to know when to speak your mind and when to reserve it, not out of a desire to make yourself mysterious, but out of an understanding of the necessities of your life. Choose your words carefully not out of any desire to evoke specific reactions, but out of a desire to frame your thoughts with the utmost possible accuracy.

The spirit of Kaijo's post is relevant: a strong and steady demeanor is very attractive to men and women alike. But if it's something you do as part of a game to draw somebody in, then when that novel sheen wears off and you reveal yourself to be different in nature, it will cause problems later. If you really want to be a more attractive person, then step away from the dating scene for a good long while, figure out how you want to cultivate your maturity, and then do it in earnest, applying it to every facet of your life.

I like your point :3

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Namuskull

A dating thread?! Well, I'm still single......hehehehe ^-^"

*high fives* welcome to the club! XD

[Otaku Emperor]

Originally Posted by Harufox

*high fives* welcome to the club! XD

*Double Glomp*

^^ Single priddee.

[Seitsuki]

oh have we made a club?
thank God there's 2D I will do my best.. ;_;

[En3mick]

buh, i prefer to get to know her first. i don't like to get in relationship with someone that i just saw,(except when it's for one night stand ^^).

[Otaku Emperor]

Originally Posted by En3mick

buh, i prefer to get to know her first. i don't like to get in relationship with someone that i just saw,(except when it's for one night stand ^^).

One night stands are pathetic.

True love FTW.

My personal opinion, sex should be just with someone you love, period.

Ahhh, I guess I am one of the last of a dying species, who actually belives in love first sex later.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

One night stands are pathetic.

True love FTW.

My personal opinion, sex should be just with someone you love, period.

Ahhh, I guess I am one of the last of a dying species, who actually belives in love first sex later.

I wouldn't be so hasty as to call it a dying breed. There are many who think like that, including me. Perhaps we have also covered the concept of intimacy before, but people don't always need to put 2 and 2 together (Yes, I have "rubbed up against" my own best friends, and they don't mind). It is important to distinguish, as I remember we had a member discuss earlier (her name has slipped my mind atm), that intimacy is not always a byproduct of a sexual relationship. Love is a much broader concept (I "love" my best friends because they are like family to me) than that of between a girl and a guy, and I have mentioned before that I am a firm believer that "Love can happen between any 2 people in the world."

[Otaku Emperor]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I wouldn't be so hasty as to call it a dying breed. There are many who think like that, including me. Perhaps we have also covered the concept of intimacy before, but people don't always need to put 2 and 2 together (Yes, I have "rubbed up against" my own best friends, and they don't mind). It is important to distinguish, as I remember we had a member discuss earlier (her name has slipped my mind atm), that intimacy is not always a byproduct of a sexual relationship. Love is a much broader concept (I "love" my best friends because they are like family to me) than that of between a girl and a guy, and I have mentioned before that I am a firm believer that "Love can happen between any 2 people in the world."

But why do two people have sex, if they do not love?

I do not understand this, I would figure that it would just make them feel empty afterwards.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

I hope I'm not a best friend. Not to be mean but... I don't want someone invading my personal... unless I let them.

Lol, no sorry it is not you, but a few people at school that's all. Yes others think I am weird but I couldn't care less about what others think of what I wear, so long as they keep their opinions to themselves.

Originally Posted by Arbitres

I think it was a user called Mystick that said that.

It was actually "synasthetic" who I was referring to.

Originally Posted by Arbitres

Dating is all about making preparations for the future, wherever it may lead. Because I can be optimistic this one time (Probably bite me in the ass though): The one that will probably teach me to love again is in the future, in the great tomorrow.

If we wait, we will surely find those worth fighting for. It is a case of finding the one you want and working towards a loving relationship. I also see maintaining a relationship is like taking care of a plant. Water too little (Nee, pay it little attention) and it wilts and dies, water too much (constantly being around, or wanting to be around them all the time) and it drowns and dies, but water it just right, and it grows and prospers.

Originally Posted by Arbitres

....Was this a relevant post?

Anything goes, really.

[zebra]

@the friend zoning and playing games, that really depends on the person.
If a guy doesn't call and doesn't take the time when I do, my interest is dead. I never chased after a guy and when they were cold to me when we just got to know each other, I don't want them anymore. It's the same when I see him flirting with someone else - interest drops dead on the spot.

On the other hand I'm guilty of friend zoning. I'm often oblivious to subtle flirting, specially if it's someone who is part of my group of friends. I have to get the vibe of potential from the very beginning.
And when some time passes, like half a year - with nothing happening, they are friends and can't be retrieved as a potential love interest. I don't do it on purpose it just happens.

Not too long ago, I found out a very good friend has a massive crush on me. I can't go out with him, since I only feel platonic for him now. But if he had asked me out from the start, I would have gone out with him. It's weird and idiotic, but as I said - I don't do it on purpose. It's not even the first time it happened. Maybe it's just if I hang around to long with the guys the potential spark gets out .. with all the things you witness, you normally don't as a female XD (My course of study is full of males, so I have a lot of guy friends.)
I even try to be more cautious about it and try to notice these things sooner, but I just fail.

So my advice for approaching the girl would be, to introduce yourself as a person with a lot of common and with who she can have a good talk. The approach as a friend so to speak, but make clear you are a male and a desirable one at that. How? Throw in little compliments in conversations like "I like your hair/eyes" or "that shirt really suits you". Subtle, but comments like that might make her aware, that you are aware of her appeareance and might be interested.
Acting cold can easily backfire. But what works fine is to talk about other females casually. Not "she's hot", but "we did this and that / were in the same work group". Having other females interested in you does give a plus in desirablity - as long as you don't come of as a jerk who leers after everything with a skirt.

It's a fine line to walk and highly depends on the girl and you. But that's what these instances are for. Even with a fail you have the experience. Sounds stupid, but it's the only way to get skill ups in that regard

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

But why do two people have sex, if they do not love?

People are different. There are many reasons.

I'm romantic too and think that love and sex belong and thrive together. It just isn't the same experience with someone you don't love. But that's me.

I don't resent people who like casual sex. It's their choice and if their fine with the physical aspect only, who am I to judge? As long as they don't hurt others with it, they can do whatever they want. I also don't find it that hard to understand to just be in for the pure pleasure and passion. Many also just do it when they're just out of a long relationship and aren't ready for a new one. .. and still want some fun
Everyone their own. But people should be aware that sex doesn't result in love. To do it for acknowledgement or closeness is a very bad idea.

And then we have the one's that just do it for their ego. Those are the one's I can't stand .. and judge after all

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

Ahhh, I guess I am one of the last of a dying species, who actually belives in love first sex later.

We're a small but stubborn lot. I was always taught that sex was a special thing to share with someone you loved completely, someone you wanted to be with. So to me, sex can't really come before love, even though I know that in real life that's hardly the truth.

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

But why do two people have sex, if they do not love?

I do not understand this, I would figure that it would just make them feel empty afterwards.

Physical satisfiaction, mostly. With the right person, sex can be a very pleasurable act, and some people don't like the idea of making a commitment just to get sex from someone. Sometimes it's a drunk one night thing, when neither party is really thinking clearly and wake up the next morning with a hangover and a stranger in their bed. Then, as Zebra said, some people just do it either to show how good they are or to boost their own ego.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

Doing one night stands is basically ruining your chances of doing that. I think so anyways.

Well, "ruining your chances" might be a bit strong. I'm certainly not the type who would go for a one night stand, even with someone I know and trust, but so long as the proper protection is used and it's a mutual thing, there's really no harm done.

[Ricky Controversy]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

But it's an ideal. People can follow ideals if they have the standards to.

This. People often lower their standards because holding out is frustrating to their less patient side, yet then they act like the poor results somehow prove that the standards they abandoned are foolish. In reality, if you maintain your high standards, you will waste less time paying attention to people you are not actually interested in and be more aware of those you are.

...I wonder... What will her bra size be? *thinks*

With my magical powers of prescience, I predict that you will fall madly in love...with a DFC girl.

Too many stupid people consider that cool. Said stupid need to be culled so all mankind can move forward with less negativity. In my perspective anyways. I can hardly consider it love if someone only loves for a limited time.

It's a long shot... But finding that person to love for the rest of your life is important. Doing one night stands is basically ruining your chances of doing that. I think so anyways.

Eh, it's primarily a rebellion thing. People like to do things that the rule-makers in their lives discourage as a way of compensating for their unwillingness to actually create a unique self. So you get people who, in lieu of self-knowledge, pursue inebriation and sex of questionable safety.

I can show how good I am without resorting to intercourse. By following my character and morals, along with my standards and methodology. You can show someone with that, you are worthy of respect.

Of course.. people don't respect morals, they respect results. In this situation they respect the hot steamy kind of results.

It's not really respect so much as desire. But again, the people who have no respect for an upstanding nature, etc., etc., are not people you should be bothering yourself with.

My advice to you, Arbitres, is not to concern yourself with looking for someone. Keep yourself open to possibilities, but if you must pursue something, pursue your own growth. I'd give that advice to anyone, really. If you cultivate yourself, it's a win-win situation. Either the increasingly attractive you catches the eye of a worthwhile someone or even if it doesn't, you have strengthened yourself enough to be a complete person, satisfied within themselves.

[greedyisgood]

Do tsundere type of girl really exists?