Dating

[MeoTwister5]

I'm talking about faking interest when she talks. Faking most of everything else I've seen done. Never tried it though because I'm too honest for my own good.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by Gin

Step 1: Get a Cell Phone
Step 2: Next time you see her, ask her if she wants to go get something to eat with you after class. I would suggest doing this after class so that if (God forbid) she says no, you won't have to sit through class embarrassed.
Step 3: Go to someplace public where they have food.
Step 4: Eat food, make small talk, try to get to know more about her. (Be yourself, and try to make her laugh)
Step 5: After you are both done eating, walk back to the dorms and mention that you had a nice time, and that you would like to do it again sometime. (hopefully she will feel the same way)
Step 6: Say goodbye to her, see if you can hug her (or possibly kiss, but its probably to soon for that) its important that you don't ask for the hug, because that will make you seem needy. Also make sure you get her phone number.
Step 7: Think of a fun activity that you think she would enjoy
Step 8: Use the Cell phone (obtained in step 1) and call her (using the number obtained in step 6) and ask if she wants to do the fun activity that you thought of (step 7)
Repeat steps 5 through 8 as necessary

I think that's too...procedured. Go for flexibility---you only need courage and everything will always positively work out....always.

Originally Posted by Gin

I thought you left this forum after that emo thread

Um..actually, I just wanted someone to say that people are generally evil---that way, I could excuse my variation of thought. In other words, I wanted to explore the general idea of "human inconsistencies": hypocrisy and such(smile and skin-deep appearance, society beliefs, focus on moments, true tendency). Appealing towards emotion seemed risky(flamy, in a way) so I acknowledged the possibility of a ban. My error was, I thought bans were forever---didn't know I'd only have a 2-day ban.

[Gin]

Originally Posted by Cipher

I think that's too...procedured. Go for flexibility---you only need courage and everything will always positively work out....always.

I can tell you have a lot of experience with dating. Like I said before, that is an over simplified list, its up to the individual to put their own spin on each part, but that basic check list will actually be helpful to someone who is clueless about dating. If you have doubts about it, go out and try it.

[MeoTwister5]

Courage and confidence are the two most important personal qualities when it comes to dating in IMHO. People who have both tend to have this "aura" that makes people take notice of them and these people are the ones who will most often than not stand out in a crown and take attention. Even if say you're not the the most dashing of gentlemen or have the most handsome of faces, 8 times out of 10 it's those who have control of themselves and carry themselves with a confident air that will be the ones that women will take notice first.

[Cinocard]

Often times the one with more courage and confident are handsome guys with some experience in being a gentleman with women though...

[Miyuki-ism]

Originally Posted by MeoTwister5

Courage and confidence are the two most important personal qualities when it comes to dating in IMHO. People who have both tend to have this "aura" that makes people take notice of them and these people are the ones who will most often than not stand out in a crown and take attention. Even if say you're not the the most dashing of gentlemen or have the most handsome of faces, 8 times out of 10 it's those who have control of themselves and carry themselves with a confident air that will be the ones that women will take notice first.

I agree, but I only seem to have courage or be confident while talking to another person if they have the same intrests that I do.

[Splitpersonality]

I agree with the courage and confidence thing, or at least I'd like to, if it actually applied for me haha.

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by Cinocard

Often times the one with more courage and confident are handsome guys with some experience in being a gentleman with women...

Yes, courage and confidence are generally gained from successful experiences, which might make it hard if one has none. But without trying, the confidence will never build. Practice makes perfect, as they say.

[MeoTwister5]

This is sort of a vicious cycle for some people. You need courage and confidence for successful dating, but from successful dating comes courage and confidence.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by ChainLegacy

Yes, courage and confidence are generally gained from successful experiences, which might make it hard if one has none. But without trying, the confidence will never build. Practice makes perfect, as they say.

So courage first then confidence later.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Timdog

Alright, I'm back and I need more concrete advice now.
...
So, what should I do? I don't have a phone number so I can't call her and will most likely only see her in class unless I randomly see her while walking around campus. Our next class isn't till Monday (it's a M W class). Remember I have 0 experience with these things so I need all the help I can get with this.

I don't remember whether this is your first time asking a girl out, but if it is then I'd say it's good that you don't have a phone number - whether you're rejected or not, I think it's a better experience this way.

There are multiple approaches that you can take, but they all boil down to you increasing your contact with her. Whether you ask for her phone number or whether you invite her to some activity, it's an expression of interest in her. Whether it leads to romance or just stronger friendship partly depends on how you play it. I am personally a big fan of the "ask her to lunch" approach - I feel like it's innocent enough to not put people off directly, yet at the same time it makes it relatively clear that you're interested in being more than just friends. I was dense enough not to pick up on it when a girl used that approach on me, however, so I've no doubt that there are girls who won't immediately perceive your intent just from your asking. If you happen to be the type who gets nervous about eating and socializing at the same time with new people (which is how I was for a time), then bad news: you may botch your encounter with her if she agrees. If this really means a lot to you, then you may want to try another activity besides eating... but everyone eats, so with a lunch invite you don't need to worry about lack of shared interest. I'd think of it as a growing experience either way.

I suppose the last thing to keep in mind is to not be afraid of failure. Does it feel terrible to be rejected? In some cases it may be, but in my case I felt a lot more empowered each time I asked a girl out. The self-empowerment was greater than the sense of being down over being rejected. It's a confidence booster: you had the courage to ask someone out, to put yourself in a vulnerable position. And if you get rejected, so what? Everyone has different tastes, and maybe you didn't match it. It doesn't make you terrible or undesirable. Don't rip into yourself.

Of course, I don't mention that last bit with the idea that you're going to be rejected. I just say it in case you're the type of person to dwell on a potential negative outcome and have it prevent you from making a move.

Originally Posted by MeoTwister5

Courage and confidence are the two most important personal qualities when it comes to dating in IMHO. People who have both tend to have this "aura" that makes people take notice of them and these people are the ones who will most often than not stand out in a crown and take attention. Even if say you're not the the most dashing of gentlemen or have the most handsome of faces, 8 times out of 10 it's those who have control of themselves and carry themselves with a confident air that will be the ones that women will take notice first.

It's partly an "aura" but in reality it's more that when you're confident you begin to project social "hooks" for others to latch on to. For example, you will likely make and hold eye contact, and smile or make a small remark - that's an invitation for someone else to say something back. If you're less confident you may just be staring at the floor, or look glum. Even someone who wants to speak with you would find that sort of appearance to be somewhat impenetrable, and would never be able to initiate anything unless some sort of scenario arose that granted them the opportunity.

Of course you shouldn't go staring people down and smiling like you're plotting something, certainly don't force these things. Just be aware that there are a lot of cues that occur in terms of body language and small actions taken. If you're not confident then you may naturally shy away from these actions and cues, but when you're confident you'll project them. Perhaps more importantly, you won't care if and when people ignore or respond oddly to your projections.

Originally Posted by ChainLegacy

Yes, courage and confidence are generally gained from successful experiences, which might make it hard if one has none. But without trying, the confidence will never build. Practice makes perfect, as they say.

Wise words. In my case, as someone who is arguably a self-defeatist, simply making that attempt - regardless of the outcome - is a confidence builder. It's proof that you were able to do something, that it wasn't as difficult as you'd thought it was, and that you can do it again.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

It's partly an "aura" but in reality it's more that when you're confident you begin to project social "hooks" for others to latch on to. For example, you will likely make and hold eye contact, and smile or make a small remark - that's an invitation for someone else to say something back. If you're less confident you may just be staring at the floor, or look glum. Even someone who wants to speak with you would find that sort of appearance to be somewhat impenetrable, and would never be able to initiate anything unless some sort of scenario arose that granted them the opportunity.

That fits squarely with the conclusion I reached a couple of years back, bare with me while I try to make my point. When you don't care so much about whether you succeed or fail you have effectively reached a point were you are confident enough that you project such aura, you become capable of talking to someone of the opposite sex without such reservations as "I don't want to look bad".

Of course knowing this and being in a position were you have such confidence are two completely different things and as such it may take same time to rebuild your confidence after each failure or you may gain even more confidence in the same situation. It differs from person to person and sadly I sit in the group of those who have trouble rebuilding after each failure... Oh well, it just means I take greater care when it does work out fine

[Ascaloth]

I second Ledgem and Dextro here. Confidence in dating comes when you're no longer afraid of making mistakes when it comes to being in the company of the girl. The best way to do this is to try and stop thinking so much about projecting the image of a "perfect date"; just do whatever, screw up, and if you can laugh about yourself and get her to laugh along afterwards, that actually does far more than one would trying to be Prince Charming.

That said, update on my situation:

I think it's about two weeks since I kissed and used the 'no regrets' line on the girl I mentioned the last time? Anyway, we haven't actually been meeting much more often than we usually do; the unspoken agreement is that she's a girl who's very focused on her work more than anything, thus I don't disturb her more than is strictly necessary; which is also why she's the one who initiates the MSN conversations, incidentally.

Anyway, we finally found time to go on a date last night in a park, and what she said about me is that she's confused about her feelings for me at the moment, but that she loves holding me. What makes this especially tricky is that she still says that before, and after, we were making out so hard I had to advise her to cover up her neck afterwards.



I can't really read this. What does she mean, and what directions should I take next?

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Anyway, we finally found time to go on a date last night in a park, and what she said about me is that she's confused about her feelings for me at the moment, but that she loves holding me.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

What makes this especially tricky is that she still says that before, and after, we were making out so hard I had to advise her to cover up her neck afterwards.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

I can't really read this. What does she mean, and what directions should I take next?

Well, as tempting as it would be to make this a reply of emoticons, let's walk through it. She says she enjoys holding you (I always smile when I read that), which means you're nice to... hold.


OK, in all seriousness, it sounds like she's enjoying the relationship. Relationships are empowering and comforting, for they fulfill physical and emotional needs and/or desires. So the good news is that she's enjoying many aspects of the relationship. However, if she's confused about her feelings for you, it could mean a number of things. If she's a long-term thinker, she may still be evaluating whether she wants to end up with you in the long term, or whether being with you would make certain things more difficult. It's also perfectly possible that she doesn't really know whether she's attracted to you or not (a situation that may sound strange, but having experienced it myself, it's quite real).

I'm just trying to "get inside of her head" but given that I don't know her or even much about her, I can't do it as effectively as you probably could.

So, the big question: What does it mean for you? In my opinion, nothing much. Just do as you've been doing. If she's really unsure of her feelings for you, two things are important:
1) Don't keep away from her for too long and don't stop doing romantic things with or for her. She's currently charmed in your favor, but if she's still sorting out her feelings, then you could lose her. She could go either way, but you can do things to tip the balance in your favor. It sounds like your... romantic sense is spot-on, so just keep it up.

2) Don't pressure her into anything. Sex isn't the only thing I'm referring to. In general, with a new relationship and sometimes even an older one, one of the partners needs to take some slight risks to push the other into doing something that ultimately deepens the relationship. However, if one of the two partners is not fully decided in his or her commitment, such pushing could potentially be detrimental.
I don't think you'd have this issue even if I'd left this point out, but I figured I'd say it anyway.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

Well, as tempting as it would be to make this a reply of emoticons, let's walk through it. She says she enjoys holding you (I always smile when I read that), which means you're nice to... hold.


OK, in all seriousness, it sounds like she's enjoying the relationship. Relationships are empowering and comforting, for they fulfill physical and emotional needs and/or desires. So the good news is that she's enjoying many aspects of the relationship. However, if she's confused about her feelings for you, it could mean a number of things. If she's a long-term thinker, she may still be evaluating whether she wants to end up with you in the long term, or whether being with you would make certain things more difficult. It's also perfectly possible that she doesn't really know whether she's attracted to you or not (a situation that may sound strange, but having experienced it myself, it's quite real).

I'm just trying to "get inside of her head" but given that I don't know her or even much about her, I can't do it as effectively as you probably could.

Actually come to think of it....yeah, she is. A long-term thinker, that is, even more so than I am. And if it's like how you say it, then she's probably thinking about....more or less the same things I was thinking about before I decided to just kiss her that night. LMAO orz

So, the big question: What does it mean for you? In my opinion, nothing much. Just do as you've been doing. If she's really unsure of her feelings for you, two things are important:
1) Don't keep away from her for too long and don't stop doing romantic things with or for her. She's currently charmed in your favor, but if she's still sorting out her feelings, then you could lose her. She could go either way, but you can do things to tip the balance in your favor. It sounds like your... romantic sense is spot-on, so just keep it up.

2) Don't pressure her into anything. Sex isn't the only thing I'm referring to. In general, with a new relationship and sometimes even an older one, one of the partners needs to take some slight risks to push the other into doing something that ultimately deepens the relationship. However, if one of the two partners is not fully decided in his or her commitment, such pushing could potentially be detrimental.
I don't think you'd have this issue even if I'd left this point out, but I figured I'd say it anyway.

I see....so basically, it doesn't mean anything major I have to seriously consider, just that I should just keep trying to stay in that "sweet spot"? Alright, thanks a lot.

[Miko Miko]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

A smack for great justice.

Originally Posted by deathreape98

Any who says violence doesn't solve anything? Hehe.

Just a smack, though? You should've kicked him in a certain area so hard that he will never have babies. Although, that could make him extremely angry and wanting to kill you... but it's worth it! (That is, if your priorities are messed up.)

I would have! But I wanted us to stay friends and I don't want to him to kill me

Originally Posted by Mystique

15 years old, yeeesh teachers, adults, parents don't get involved anymore if someone is seriously freaking you out/harrassing you these days?
(though i couldn't help but chuckle at the slap though, here's hoping it won't rebound on you)

I hope it doesn't but if it does he can have another!!

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

LMAO

You just made my day, Imouto-chan.

Originally Posted by Dextro

Omedetou!

Originally Posted by Xion Valkyrie

Thanks, you just made me spit water all over my monitor.

Sorry!

Originally Posted by Narona

Same here. Be careful, Miko.

I will.

And OMG, I found out why people 'like' me.

Because I am:
Usually calm
Open about my opinion
Stick up for my friends
Trustworthy and
apparently I am pretty, which I don't get at all. All my friends told me that last night O_o

[MeoTwister5]

Real beauty is usually the ones that come out naturally, which is usually why people who are actually pretty don't realize they are. I mean that seriously.

Just so happens that these people are usually already taken by the time everyone else notices.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Miko Miko

And OMG, I found out why people 'like' me.

Because I am:
Usually calm
Open about my opinion
Stick up for my friends
Trustworthy and
apparently I am pretty, which I don't get at all. All my friends told me that last night O_o

All these are what all your friend tell you? Hmmm....show us your picture so we can tell you the same thing about at least the last point, too.

[Miko Miko]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

All these are what all your friend tell you? Hmmm....show us your picture so we can tell you the same thing about at least the last point, too.

Yes, all my friends agreed that's why they like me, as a friend or more.
And I will show you a picture when I can be bothered to take one!

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

That said, update on my situation:

I think it's about two weeks since I kissed and used the 'no regrets' line on the girl I mentioned the last time? Anyway, we haven't actually been meeting much more often than we usually do; the unspoken agreement is that she's a girl who's very focused on her work more than anything, thus I don't disturb her more than is strictly necessary; which is also why she's the one who initiates the MSN conversations, incidentally.

Anyway, we finally found time to go on a date last night in a park, and what she said about me is that she's confused about her feelings for me at the moment, but that she loves holding me. What makes this especially tricky is that she still says that before, and after, we were making out so hard I had to advise her to cover up her neck afterwards.



I can't really read this. What does she mean, and what directions should I take next?

Ledgem is once again on the spot. Just sort of go with the flow for a while. Don't try to pressure her but talk to and be with her regularly and of course keep doing romantic things and such. My relationships usually start that same way with her, me or both trying to sort out if we really want each other and I think that happens because it's just too natural and there's never a clear start. We can't trace back to where the flame lit up and as such one gets those feelings of uncertainty... But those feelings eventually fade if you just keep going on as usual both of you keep getting closer to each other.

I would even suggest to avoid talking about your relationship status for a while, it might help not to be constantly reminded of the issue.