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Old 2011-08-06, 23:40   Link #33581
yuiseppe
Cute things, sharp teeth.
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
*crawls out of a hole, gasping* I've got it! I've got it! *holds up PotB Chapter 5*

Finally pinned down Chapter 5's elusive plot-bunny , sorry for the long wait in getting this chapter out! This is the sixth chapter outline and the third chapter draft, so it was a real uphill battle just to finish!

Prerogative of the Brave

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
--Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Prerogative of the Brave, Chapter 5:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
LOL the cookie jar part made me guffaw, and the Numbers' responses... hehehe

Good job Vi for confronting the elephant in the room head on though!
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Old 2011-08-06, 23:42   Link #33582
Craxuan
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I cracked up a little at the human mating ritual (LOLOL), but otherwise just a smile all the way through.
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Old 2011-08-06, 23:58   Link #33583
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
*crawls out of a hole, gasping* I've got it! I've got it! *holds up PotB Chapter 5*

Finally pinned down Chapter 5's elusive plot-bunny , sorry for the long wait in getting this chapter out! This is the sixth chapter outline and the third chapter draft, so it was a real uphill battle just to finish!

Prerogative of the Brave

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
--Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Prerogative of the Brave, Chapter 5:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
Awww, what a great chapter! Funny, and yet with that edge of tension and frustration that Vivio felt all the way through (truly, when I felt like strangling Falin for vacuuming the letter, and Noel for not checking why Falin wasn't there before barging in), you know you're doing your job in making me empathize with the POV character (incidentally, why do you call Falin, Farin?)

I note that you managed to impart Caro with more personality in one e-mail message than one anime series, three manga series, and four drama CDs have managed to do in canon.

I caught Cure Flower's cameo , though I didn't recognize Rumi's name.

Dieci seems to have downloaded Sette's personality for her e-mail (Otto and Deed sound about right, though).

Typos in this paragraph:

Spoiler for corrections:


On the order of Vivio's names: Actually...Vivio always goes by "Takamachi Vivio" in canon. As the adopted daughter of a Japanese citizen, she uses standard Japanese name order. Incidentally, Tsubomi wouldn't have had to ask why the name-order would be reversed, because standard Western name order is used for foreigners of Japanese descent, such as "Subaru Nakajima" (Ever wonder why Subaru's name is written in katakana? Now you know!).

Speaking of Subaru, good advice by her. Interesting response by Kris in showing the downside to reducing this good advice to one line instead of fleshing it out with detail.

As for the rest of it...I really have no words. Awesome chapter all around, and if I'm focusing on minor details, it's because those details are all I can talk about without just sitting here making big smiley faces like so:
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Old 2011-08-07, 00:04   Link #33584
Eagle8819
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
*crawls out of a hole, gasping* I've got it! I've got it! *holds up PotB Chapter 5*

Finally pinned down Chapter 5's elusive plot-bunny , sorry for the long wait in getting this chapter out! This is the sixth chapter outline and the third chapter draft, so it was a real uphill battle just to finish!

Prerogative of the Brave

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
--Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Prerogative of the Brave, Chapter 5:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
Poor Vivio. You torture her so much. I actually felt like cringing at some point despite the growing amusement.

This was amusing. Responses by the Numbers - hilarious. What more can I say? Well, if there's something I'd nitpick, it's Caro's characterization. She strikes me as a more...not-so-excitable person? But, given lack of screentime she has, well.

As a sidenote though - I'm not sure if "^" would be allowed in ffnet since it's a special character. Might want to double check and/or alter it somehow before you post this there.
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Old 2011-08-07, 00:08   Link #33585
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
As a sidenote though - I'm not sure if "^" would be allowed in ffnet since it's a special character. Might want to double check and/or alter it somehow before you post this there.
For the record, ff.net is fine with "^"; I use a bunch of them in smileys in my author's notes and they show up fine.
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Old 2011-08-07, 00:09   Link #33586
MaxwellDemon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
*crawls out of a hole, gasping* I've got it! I've got it! *holds up PotB Chapter 5*

Finally pinned down Chapter 5's elusive plot-bunny , sorry for the long wait in getting this chapter out! This is the sixth chapter outline and the third chapter draft, so it was a real uphill battle just to finish!

Prerogative of the Brave

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
--Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Prerogative of the Brave, Chapter 5:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
Absolutely ADORE this chapter. I love how you decided to show Vivio's attempts and how the other characters are giving her advices. I am still smiling from this as I am typing this.
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Old 2011-08-07, 00:32   Link #33587
deathcurse
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
I'm trying to think of some useful critique, but currently my sides are aching too much from laughing to think straight. Very nicely done, DC, very nice indeed; it's always fun to torture Vivio a little bit before giving her what she wants and getting it right.
I think I had an evil smile on my face as I was writing poor Vivio's attempts . And yet all these little "moments" from Vivio kept popping out to surprise me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuiseppe View Post
LOL the cookie jar part made me guffaw, and the Numbers' responses... hehehe

Good job Vi for confronting the elephant in the room head on though!
Glad to give you guffaws! ^^

Vivio's decided that she's going to tackle that elephant and wrestle it into submission to get what she wants . Hayate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Craxuan View Post
I cracked up a little at the human mating ritual (LOLOL), but otherwise just a smile all the way through.
Smiles means that the madness was worth it! ^^ Thanks .

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Awww, what a great chapter! Funny, and yet with that edge of tension and frustration that Vivio felt all the way through (truly, when I felt like strangling Falin for vacuuming the letter, and Noel for not checking why Falin wasn't there before barging in), you know you're doing your job in making me empathize with the POV character (incidentally, why do you call Falin, Farin?)

I note that you managed to impart Caro with more personality in one e-mail message than one anime series, three manga series, and four drama CDs have managed to do in canon.
(I edited Farin to Falin now --thanks for catching that! I have no clue why I called her that way O_o.....)

Hehe, I admit, the first idea that came to me was the vacuumed letter XD. The rest of the chapter just built on that initial insanity .

That's kind of sad.... I think that I enjoy writing the characters a bit OOC . Although if Caro has no character, then.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
I caught Cure Flower's cameo , though I didn't recognize Rumi's name.

Dieci seems to have downloaded Sette's personality for her e-mail (Otto and Deed sound about right, though).

Typos in this paragraph:

Spoiler for corrections:
Cure Blossom ^^. Rumi's just a little sister of Tsubomi's friend, no one that important , so no worries.

.........Whoops? What's Dieci normally like? =O

Will fix the typos, thanks! ^_^

Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
On the order of Vivio's names: Actually...Vivio always goes by "Takamachi Vivio" in canon. As the adopted daughter of a Japanese citizen, she uses standard Japanese name order. Incidentally, Tsubomi wouldn't have had to ask why the name-order would be reversed, because standard Western name order is used for foreigners of Japanese descent, such as "Subaru Nakajima" (Ever wonder why Subaru's name is written in katakana? Now you know!).

Speaking of Subaru, good advice by her. Interesting response by Kris in showing the downside to reducing this good advice to one line instead of fleshing it out with detail.

As for the rest of it...I really have no words. Awesome chapter all around, and if I'm focusing on minor details, it's because those details are all I can talk about without just sitting here making big smiley faces like so:
Awwwwwwww! Man, I had thought I put a clever bit in there about differences in worlds, but I was foiled by canon! ^^;; Is it bad enough of a goof for me to need to edit it out?

Yes , the punchline of the chapter for me was how Vivio ends up using the illogical advice at the end!

Focus away on the minor details ^^, they are there to be focused on! At least this chapter that had made me go ", and " was able to make other people go "" at the end!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle8819 View Post
Poor Vivio. You torture her so much. I actually felt like cringing at some point despite the growing amusement.

This was amusing. Responses by the Numbers - hilarious. What more can I say? Well, if there's something I'd nitpick, it's Caro's characterization. She strikes me as a more...not-so-excitable person? But, given lack of screentime she has, well.
Hahaha XD. I actually had some serious Hayate bits at the beginning, but I cut it out because it felt out of place with the Vivio hijinks . Which is probably a good thing , since that part with Hayate means things will be rough for poor Vivio...

Hm, you have a point....the Caro I'm writing ties in with how I've depicted her in my other Files stories, as an amused "older sister" who likes teasing Vivio about her crush, and yet tries her best to be supportive when she can . And yeah....lack of many canon references of character .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaxwellDemon View Post
Absolutely ADORE this chapter. I love how you decided to show Vivio's attempts and how the other characters are giving her advices. I am still smiling from this as I am typing this.
I'm glad you liked it! I thought of all the lame/bad/cliche dating advice I've seen in media, and it amused me to see poor Vivio running around trying them all .

Cough cough, and people call me the Queen of Tragedy? Ha, see? I'm not a one-trick pony!
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Old 2011-08-07, 02:41   Link #33588
blissfullyunaware
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post

Awwwwwwww! Man, I had thought I put a clever bit in there about differences in worlds, but I was foiled by canon! ^^;; Is it bad enough of a goof for me to need to edit it out?
Honestly, that bit about the names did pull me out of the story a little; it was distracting because of the canon contradiction. However, the rest of it made me giggle .

Offtopic: I think your post contains every single smiley except , and that make me giggle too.

Last edited by blissfullyunaware; 2011-08-07 at 05:08.
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Old 2011-08-07, 02:45   Link #33589
00-Raiser
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Sorry to interupt but just wanted to let those interested know that I wrote that Nanoha/Yuuno/Fate lemon I said I was going to.
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Old 2011-08-07, 02:51   Link #33590
Shigan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
*crawls out of a hole, gasping* I've got it! I've got it! *holds up PotB Chapter 5*

Finally pinned down Chapter 5's elusive plot-bunny , sorry for the long wait in getting this chapter out! This is the sixth chapter outline and the third chapter draft, so it was a real uphill battle just to finish!

Prerogative of the Brave

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave."
--Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Spoiler for Prerogative of the Brave, Chapter 5:

Spoiler for Author's Note:

Spoiler for Hayate x Vivio Files Chronology:
She lifted her up! Vivio lifted Hayate up! *does a little happy-sorta dance*

Also, hahaha, well it was well worth the wait though I have to admit I understand why you were going all ohwoetragedy!dc while writing it. This really seems to be out of the element of your reputation. xD I really like that you choose to set it up like how things happened in Kare Kano when Yukino was trying to confess to Arima, only lacking scoreboards ^^. it's easy and hilarious and was very easy to get into after such a long absence. You're handling Vivio's teenaged sensitivity and romantic awkwardness very well, and it's nice to see that Vivio finally decided to do it the Takamachi way in the end, full force and straight on.

Personally, I think it would have been nice if you added perhaps one sentence to describe Hayate's reaction to Viv's question at the end, unless you want to leave it completely open and to our imagination.

I also need to fill in here again that I could never have written this. Yay for collaboration!

Edit: Somehow, reading about Vivio worrying about mortification here makes me snicker wildly xD.

Edit 2: Very cool scenery of Hayate approaching Vivio with her jacket open and hand in pocket in a easy way and such ;D.
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Shigan's Fanfiction Masterlist -- The Hayate x Vivio Files

Last edited by Shigan; 2011-08-07 at 03:15.
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Old 2011-08-07, 08:45   Link #33591
DezoPenguin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Cure Blossom ^^. Rumi's just a little sister of Tsubomi's friend, no one that important , so no worries.
Quote:
.........Whoops? What's Dieci normally like? =O
Um...quiet? (seriously, she's in Sound Stages 3 & 4 for StrikerS, a chapter of the StrikerS manga, SSX, and ViVid, but rarely says much. In ViVid 8 she teases Wendi a bit, and she tends to speak in short sentences, but she doesn't have Sette's "mechanical" personality.

Quote:
Awwwwwwww! Man, I had thought I put a clever bit in there about differences in worlds, but I was foiled by canon! ^^;; Is it bad enough of a goof for me to need to edit it out?
I'd advise editing it out not because of the difference from canon (though of course I do advise keeping with canon) but because of the way it addresses an inaccuracy with the way the Japanese language works (that is, because Japanese contains a mechanism for foreign-language names and specific rules for how Japanese-origin names of foreigners are handled, Vivio's addressing a problem that doesn't exist)
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Old 2011-08-07, 08:45   Link #33592
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry to interupt but just wanted to let those interested know that I wrote that Nanoha/Yuuno/Fate lemon I said I was going to.
Please send a copy to me via PM. Thank you!
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Old 2011-08-07, 08:56   Link #33593
sniperk
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awawawawa Backlog... -.-"

@Raiser
Do send a copy plz. *-*

@DC
Erm... Punchline aside (as Dezo pointed out) I tought something was weird with the tone of the story itself. I mean, in the previous one, Vivio had already stepped up a notch in her relationship gauge but now it seemed like she regressed somehow.

@Nanya
Long comment on VM.

Short version. Toth (still don't know how to spell it) cracks me up everytime.
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Old 2011-08-07, 09:17   Link #33594
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deathcurse View Post
Awwwwwwww! Man, I had thought I put a clever bit in there about differences in worlds, but I was foiled by canon! ^^;; Is it bad enough of a goof for me to need to edit it out?
Well, on the topic of Vivio's name, officially it's "Takamachi Vivio" but I've seen it used both ways in different stories (I myself, I think, did quite a bit of "Vivio Takamachi" in the beginning before switching over to "Takamachi Vivio".). I don't think it's enough of a goof that many people will call you out on it, but you might want to edit it just to be safe if the thought worries you.
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Old 2011-08-07, 09:18   Link #33595
ZeroIchiNi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry to interupt but just wanted to let those interested know that I wrote that Nanoha/Yuuno/Fate lemon I said I was going to.
PM me one too.
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Old 2011-08-07, 09:27   Link #33596
Craxuan
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Uh... Why not just post it here?
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Old 2011-08-07, 09:30   Link #33597
sniperk
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Uh... Why not just post it here?
Agaisnt forum rules.
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Old 2011-08-07, 11:19   Link #33598
blitz1/2
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry to interupt but just wanted to let those interested know that I wrote that Nanoha/Yuuno/Fate lemon I said I was going to.
PM it to me as well, thanks.
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Old 2011-08-07, 12:08   Link #33599
Astral Corruption
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Originally Posted by 00-Raiser View Post
Sorry to interupt but just wanted to let those interested know that I wrote that Nanoha/Yuuno/Fate lemon I said I was going to.
PM it to me too and thanks.
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Old 2011-08-07, 12:10   Link #33600
Endscape
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Please PM it to me as well, Raiser.
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