Dating

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Okay asuki, I have a problem somewhat related to dating and relationships.

There's this girl I know, and I'm pretty sure she has a thing for me. I don't have a thing for her; she actually annoys the hell out of me most of the time, because she can never shut up, and it takes her 20 words to describe something where two words would suffice. Very annoying.

This would be relatively straightforward--just ignore it, don't let her get too close, etc. Except for one problem--she seriously turns me on. I don't know if it's because it's been over a year since I last had sex or what, but I keep thinking about/dreaming about sleeping with her.

She's not that attractive to me really... I prefer girls who are relatively feminine like myself, but she's... I dunno, just not my type at all. But I still get turned on just by being around her, thinking about her, and last night was the second time I had a naughty dream about her.

Thinking about it logically, this could be some sort of trick of my brain because she's tomboy/bisexual and subconsciously my mind's all "you actually have a chance with her!" even though she's not my type and annoys the hell out of me. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to have sex with her.

Urgh, what do I do? I've been mostly trying to ignore it but it's getting harder to ignore. =|

My gut says don't go for it. It's true that you want her, and that sleeping with her will probably solve the whole issue of ignoring something that's getting more and more difficult to control, but in the long run it could do more harm than good. She seems to want more from a relationship with you than a quick one-night romp in the sheets, and it isn't fair of you to use her that way if you know you aren't capable of giving her what she wants from you. So I say don't go for it, stay away from her, do something to keep your mind busy. The risk isn't worth it, IMO.

[Tsuyoshi]

Timdog. Don't Try. Be Yourself. 'Nuff said.

Hands off those drugs btw.

[synaesthetic]

Originally Posted by Cipher

wow...sexual attraction + no emotional attraction. Its not really about "type". its about time spent and growth of relationship. Just give her a chance and hang with her. you have to let go of your own criticisms. "whether a person is attractive or not" shouldn't be the base of judging. though the sexual problem might mean that your sick in some psychological way.

wut

Under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't be sexually attracted to her; she isn't my type. But due to living in the homeless shelter, having zero privacy, being somewhat emotionally weakened due to general circumstances...

Since I'm transgendered, there aren't a whole lot of girls who would actually want to date me to begin with. Whenever I meet one, even if she's not my type, doesn't have much in common with me, etc... I tend to have this issue.

I don't want to "settle" because there are reasons we have preferences. And it's not something simple like hair color, breast size or height--I don't usually have those kind of type requirements. It's all her personality--she's very immature and childish, she's not terribly bright or well-educated. I'm not trying to be mean; just saying it like it is. She's not that smart, and that will bother me intensely.

So we clash pretty badly on that aspect, but I'm a tolerant person and she likes me, so she keeps clinging to me.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

My gut says don't go for it. It's true that you want her, and that sleeping with her will probably solve the whole issue of ignoring something that's getting more and more difficult to control, but in the long run it could do more harm than good. She seems to want more from a relationship with you than a quick one-night romp in the sheets, and it isn't fair of you to use her that way if you know you aren't capable of giving her what she wants from you. So I say don't go for it, stay away from her, do something to keep your mind busy. The risk isn't worth it, IMO.

I appreciate you saying this, RB. It's what I've been doing and what I'll continue to do, but it's always good to receive encouragement that I'm doing the right thing from someone who is good with this kinda thing. ^^;

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

wut

Under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't be sexually attracted to her; she isn't my type. But due to living in the homeless shelter, having zero privacy, being somewhat emotionally weakened due to general circumstances...

Since I'm transgendered, there aren't a whole lot of girls who would actually want to date me to begin with. Whenever I meet one, even if she's not my type, doesn't have much in common with me, etc... I tend to have this issue.

I don't want to "settle" because there are reasons we have preferences. And it's not something simple like hair color, breast size or height--I don't usually have those kind of type requirements. It's all her personality--she's very immature and childish, she's not terribly bright or well-educated. I'm not trying to be mean; just saying it like it is. She's not that smart, and that will bother me intensely.

So we clash pretty badly on that aspect, but I'm a tolerant person and she likes me, so she keeps clinging to me.

Still, I don't see the problem in befriending her..or absolutely anyone for that matter. Just be friends, plain and simple, nothing intimate.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Cipher

Still, I don't see the problem in befriending her..or absolutely anyone for that matter. Just be friends, plain and simple, nothing intimate.

If she doesn't want to be friends with the girl because she doesn't like her, then she doesn't have to be friends with her. Besides, it might help anyway if they don't become close. If that happened, the girl might think she has a chance when Syn isn't interested in her like that.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

If she doesn't want to be friends with the girl because she doesn't like her, then she doesn't have to be friends with her. Besides, it might help anyway if they don't become close. If that happened, the girl might think she has a chance when Syn isn't interested in her like that.

I'm with RB on this one, she doesn't seem to like the girl in the first place so there's no reason to be friends. If anything I say Syn should try to keep her distance.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

If she doesn't want to be friends with the girl because she doesn't like her, then she doesn't have to be friends with her. Besides, it might help anyway if they don't become close. If that happened, the girl might think she has a chance when Syn isn't interested in her like that.

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

I'm with RB on this one, she doesn't seem to like the girl in the first place so there's no reason to be friends. If anything I say Syn should try to keep her distance.

I've always thought most people were welcoming to friendship--never to judge and pick who to befriend. It adds easier connections, experience, and understanding and overall I believe, a better society and person. But if that's not so important, there is no other choice.

[synaesthetic]

Keeping my distance isn't all that easy, but I'm going to be careful and keep my eyes open.

It's not so much that I don't like her; it's not a question of elitism and feeling that she's beneath me, it's just that... I don't know. I like her a little, but she gets on my nerves from time to time, but... it's like, she's the only one around me that I can connect with. There aren't many other people my age around me since I'm in a shelter right now...

Anyway, I'm probably going to think on it some more. I spent a long time conversing with her today and it was actually really pleasant... so I dunno. Maybe Cipher is right and I shouldn't just turn a potential friend away just because she makes me a little hot and bothered (in both ways).

At the very least I'll be able to learn how to tolerate annoyances better.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Okay asuki, I have a problem somewhat related to dating and relationships.

There's this girl I know, and I'm pretty sure she has a thing for me. I don't have a thing for her; she actually annoys the hell out of me most of the time, because she can never shut up, and it takes her 20 words to describe something where two words would suffice. Very annoying.

This would be relatively straightforward--just ignore it, don't let her get too close, etc. Except for one problem--she seriously turns me on. I don't know if it's because it's been over a year since I last had sex or what, but I keep thinking about/dreaming about sleeping with her.

She's not that attractive to me really... I prefer girls who are relatively feminine like myself, but she's... I dunno, just not my type at all. But I still get turned on just by being around her, thinking about her, and last night was the second time I had a naughty dream about her.

Thinking about it logically, this could be some sort of trick of my brain because she's tomboy/bisexual and subconsciously my mind's all "you actually have a chance with her!" even though she's not my type and annoys the hell out of me. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to have sex with her.

Urgh, what do I do? I've been mostly trying to ignore it but it's getting harder to ignore. =|

Again, I'm with RadiantBeam on this one (go figure I'm always late to the punch nowadays); if she gets on your nerves now, she's going to get on your nerves in the future, so really, the best course of action for you is to try and distance yourself from her. As for your more primal inclinations....well, I can't say anything about that, given your situation and all.

Originally Posted by Cipher

wow...sexual attraction + no emotional attraction. Its not really about "type". its about time spent and growth of relationship. Just give her a chance and hang with her. you have to let go of your own criticisms. "whether a person is attractive or not" shouldn't be the base of judging. though the sexual problem might mean that your sick in some psychological way.

....dude, do you get off on telling people that they may have psychological issues, or something? Shut your trap if you can't avoid making slurs on others' mental stability each time you open your mouth.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Maybe Cipher is right and I shouldn't just turn a potential friend away just because she makes me a little hot and bothered (in both ways).

I am fairly sure that right now, as with most comments he makes, Cipher is not right.

You are under no obligation to be friends, acquaintances, partners or anything else with people you don't enjoy being around. If someone annoys you, why in the gods' name would you voluntarily be around them, if you can help it? o.O

The fact that your living situation is FAR from ideal and offers little to nothing in the way of personal space would most certainly not help, and I agree with those who suspect that letting her in any further would send the wrong message, not to mention up your stress level, which is not something you need on top of everything else.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

....dude, do you get off on telling people that they may have psychological issues, or something? Shut your trap if you can't avoid making slurs on others' mental stability each time you open your mouth.

The funny thing is I find more offence and being turned off as a female from your tone, your words and your posts onto others, than I do with Cipher.
While I don't agree with his recent opinion/posts although he's probably more thinking in terms of 'being more tolerant/open to people' (albiet the situation with Syna wouldn't help), yours was just downright rude.
(There is being straight to the point, no sugar coating and giving some tough love as advice, but how you carry that through attitude matters greatly).
And if Cipher is known to be irratating or unpleasant, drop a neg rep/report and be on your merry way. :\

But try looking at yourself before you criticise others for their seemingly negative responses that aren't even aimed at you, honestly.
Chill already...

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

Maybe Cipher is right and I shouldn't just turn a potential friend away just because she makes me a little hot and bothered (in both ways).

Tread carefully here, then. If you think the two of you can be friends then that's all fine and good, but remember that she might take your decision as a chance for a romantic relationship and that in becoming her friend, you're going to be in steady contact with her when your gut says to jump her.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Tread carefully here, then. If you think the two of you can be friends then that's all fine and good, but remember that she might take your decision as a chance for a romantic relationship and that in becoming her friend, you're going to be in steady contact with her when your gut says to jump her.

I'd say she's already his friend. Its just a matter of controlling and limiting his interactions with her. ..Though, I do wonder, even with hints, if she really sees him that way. There might be a chance of early jumping into conclusions. perhaps little chance, but you can have friends that are attracted to you and yet remain friends. i see many examples (in animes).

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Cipher

perhaps little chance, but you can have friends that are attracted to you and yet remain friends. i see many examples (in animes).

And then you have situations where there's an attraction and it completely destroys the friendship and how close you were to your friend. I stand by what I said to Syn. If she wants to be friends with this girl, then she's free to be friends with her. She just needs to be careful and remember what's at stake if they become lovers.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

And then you have situations where there's an attraction and it completely destroys the friendship and how close you were to your friend.

Yeah... It depends on the individuals' abilities/inabilities to control.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Cipher

Yeah... It depends on the individuals' abilities/inabilities to control.

Are you implying that it's the person's fault if they're in love with their friend? Because from where I'm standing, it sounds like you're saying that.

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

it's the person's fault if they're in love with their friend?

I'm not really sure with this. it, again, depends on the individuals' abilities.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Cipher

I'm not really sure with this. it, again, depends on the individuals' abilities.

So let me see if I have this right. You're saying, basically, that if a person is in love with their friend and it is beyond their ability to control those feelings, then that person is to blame when the friendship is ruined?

[Cipher]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

if a person is in love with their friend and it is beyond their ability to control those feelings, then that person is to blame when the friendship is ruined?

There is no "blame". A person's inability is not his/her fault( at least in this situation ) (in my opinion) though the *cause* is connected to his/her functions and other factors of course.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Cipher

There is no "blame". A person's inability is not his/her fault. (in my opinion) though the *cause* is his/hers and other factors of course.

It seems I misread the tone of your posts, then. From the feeling of the words, it appeared to me that you were implying that the friend in love was the friend who is to blame for the loss of the friendship, though you say that isn't what you meant. My bad.