2009-10-21, 12:38 | Link #2001 | |
Asuki-tan Kairin ↓
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fürth (GER)
Age: 43
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2009-10-21, 14:56 | Link #2002 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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Thank you everyone for your advice and concerns about my situation. To answer a few questions: yes, he has been to counceling many times throughout the years. I've actually gone with him quite a few times, starting from back when we were just friends up until last year. Every counselor that he's been with has said positive things about him and said that he seems to be over his past.
And I should've mentioned that we are planning on getting a place of our own very soon. We've been saving up for a while now and we've been looking around for a few months. I know that my parents are probably gonna go beserk when I do move out, but I need space. All my life, they've kept me under a close watch and honestly, that's the main reason I became pregnant in the first place. I'd sneak out and meet up with friends and go to parties because they wouldn't let me hang out with my friends. The more they try and force me to do what they want, I'm just gonna keep rebelling. I wish they could understand that I'm almost 19 years old, I have a daughter of my own, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I know that they love me and only treat me this way because they want what's best, I understand completely, but I also think that it's time they let me take control of my own life. Thank you again for everything. I will keep you guys updated. |
2009-10-21, 16:13 | Link #2003 |
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@K_Babyy: From what I can tell, your boyfriend sounds like a lovely young man and he loves you and your little girl a lot. I wish you both luck. ^^
Now I'm going to play devil's advocate here with your parents. I understand that you need to get away from them, and that they've tried to shield you all your life, but at the same time you have to understand where they're coming from. They love you a lot and they don't want you to make decisions you might regret, and (no offense to you or your boyfriend) the fact that you're almost nineteen and have a baby makes them even more protective of you because they want to keep you from making those kinds of 'mistakes' in the future (I know you don't consider it a mistake and I'm sure your parents love your baby, but I can't imagine that they ever dreamed you'd be a mother while still so young). They want you to live your life to the fullest and make the best choices you can, so for them, this has to be hard when they see you with a boy they don't approve of, starting a life they might not have wanted for you right away (what I mean is, perhaps they wanted you to go to college before you had a baby). I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, but I can relate to your parents' concern. My family went through the same thing when my cousin had a child and the father abandoned them both. EDIT: I should add, though, that my cousin's boyfriend was a jerk none of us liked, while your Casey sounds like a sweet, loving father. I just remember how hard that was for all of us, especially her since she didn't think he'd abandon her like that.
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2009-10-21, 16:18 | Link #2004 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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Yea, I do understand where my parents are coming from, but they can't try and shield me like this forever haha. I'm sure when my daughter's my age I'll be a lot more understanding, but for now, I really need a break.
No offense taken at all, thank you for the advice. =] |
2009-10-21, 18:17 | Link #2009 | |||
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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But even if you move out, don't hide it from your parents. Have a talk with them. Tell them your intention (except when you think they have the ability, and the wish to make it impossible, though I doubt they would go that far). Ask them for help in finding a location, even if you think they won't help. Quote:
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Trust cannot be taken for granted. Rationally show them your resolution. Say you love them, for them, and for you yourself, you will take care of your life perfectly. Even if they act arrogantly, don't ever lose your head and shout things like: "for godsake plz goddamn believe in your own daughter for once." Be silent. Be calm. And affirm them of your resolution again and again. If you also act childish when they act childish, they will never change their mindset of: "I can take care of her better than she can." You have to act more mature than them. It is hard, but you are also a mom now |
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2009-10-21, 21:32 | Link #2010 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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Wow, thank you very much for that.
It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna try my hardest to act more mature when they treat me that way. I know it may not be best for my daughter if I move out, but I told him that I will not be moving out until we can find all three of us health insurance along with him getting a better job. Right now, she's going to the best pediatricians in our town and I'm not moving out until I'm guaranteed that she will not have to leave there or until he has a higher income. I will also be putting everything that she needs first, I do not want my daughter to lack in anything that she needs and I will make sure that she doesn't, I promise. I know that sneaking out to parties and getting pregnant in high school isn't showing them that I'm responsible, but keep in mind that that was more than a year ago and I've matured in so many different ways in that time, especially since I have my baby girl now.
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2009-10-21, 22:08 | Link #2011 | |
Falls for it every time.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Age: 39
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2009-10-21, 22:15 | Link #2012 | |
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2009-10-21, 22:25 | Link #2013 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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I do understand what they are doing and how much they have done for my daughter and me, I'm so thankful and I know that if I moved out when I found out I was pregnant, I would've been in deep shit. I love them so much and I know they love me and Kendal, too. They're just making it to where it's almost unberable to be living with them. We never talk anymore, this disagreement between the three of us is ruining our relationship.
I want what I want and they want what they want, I'm willing and trying to meet in the middle somewhere, but they, on the otherhand, want me to get rid of Casey entirely when he has done absolutely nothing to deserve that. I don't want that, I love him. All I hope for is that someday they can understand that. This has been going on for almost three years now and nothing's changed, now that we have a daughter, it's gotten worse because he wants to see her all the time. It really bothers me when I ask if he can come over and one of them will say, "But didn't he just see her yesterday?" You'd think they would understand. She's his baby, he wants to be with her every minute of every day, but he can't always be with her because he "just saw her the other day." It's breaking my heart to see him wanting to be with her so badly and knowing how much of her life he's missing out on. Moving out is probably not the best thing for me to do, I know that, but I just can't take it anymore.
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2009-10-21, 22:33 | Link #2014 | ||
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To be fair, I wouldn't be very happy either if my daughter fell in love with a boy who has the kind of past you've described, especially if she ended up pregnant with a little girl of her own. You love him a lot and he sounds like a sweet guy, but the past he has will always make people a little distrusting of him. Your parents love you, and they probably wanted you to marry a boy who had a large family, who could get a good job and support you, and they're genuinely concerned because of the past he's had and fearful that he might one day repeat that with you and your daughter. Have you ever actually sat down with your boyfriend and explained the whole situation to them? It would help a lot if you could get into a position where they come clean and you come clean. Quote:
*removes devil's advocate cap* Again, I mean no offense.
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2009-10-21, 22:46 | Link #2015 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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None taken.
We've talked and talked about it and are still talking about it to this day. They know everything that has happened to him, he and his adoptive parents sat down with us and told us everthing about a year ago, but I've known for years. He's completed therapeutic programs with 3 or 4 different counselors (I'm not sure how many he saw) and they all agreed that he was over his past. Plus, in the past 8 years, since they've adopted him, he's done nothing to show that he wasn't. They won't sit down and talk to me about my wanting to move out. When I say that I want to solve this, one of them will say, "The only way to solve this is for you to get rid of him." That's as far as I've gotten with that issue. I know my parents are gonna love me no matter what I do, I just wish that they could be happy with what I do. Wouldn't that be nice?
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2009-10-21, 22:52 | Link #2016 | ||
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What they're trying to do, from what I can tell, is dodge the issue. You mention moving out, they shift over to your boyfriend. Seems to me they're trying to distract you from what you really want to say to them. I don't know how much good it will do you, but next time they do this, gently say "Mom, Dad, I'm not asking you about my boyfriend, I'm asking you about moving out" and every time they try to change the subject keep nudging them back to it. You have to be patient, this isn't the kind of thing a yelling match will solve. It will take time, but eventually you'll wear them down without losing them. Quote:
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2009-10-21, 23:13 | Link #2017 | |||
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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1. What they do now is like: "you choose us, or you choose that punk" and put you in the hard spot. 2. Their action is totally useless against your relationship with Casey. They should know this, but they just refuse to see it. What I find surprising is how they can be so obstinate. It has been three years and they still haven't accept the fact that you wont leave Casey. Quote:
Parents actually always are at an disadvantage in parent-child relationship, actually. Think about it. They always lose, and are always scared. When we cant take it anymore we can just say "whatever," but they cannot say it to us |
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2009-10-21, 23:40 | Link #2018 |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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I do believe that my actions have shown that I'm more mature. For one, I graduated from high school when I could've just thrown in the towel and gotten my GED. I was pregnant most of my senior year and it was hard as hell. I got dirty looks, bumped into all the time cause my stomach was so huge, and rude comments were constantly shot my way. I finished, probably missed a total of 4 days during the entire 9 months, and graduated with honors. Also, taking care of a baby full time, mostly by myself. Sure, my parents pay for most of it and my boyfriend and I help out where we can, but I'm the one who is taking care of her all day and all night. I hardly ever get to see my friends anymore and I never get to just go out and have fun, the last time I had a night out was prom which was back in May. I'm not complaining at all, I love my daugher more than anything and would never wish that I didn't have her, I'm just saying that for someone my age, being home all day with a baby is not what you normally would've had in mind. I'm starting college up in January though, to get certified in physical therapy assisting, so I'll get out of the house once in a while and see some old friends.
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2009-10-21, 23:42 | Link #2019 | |
blinded by blood
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Because of my gender identity issues and sexual orientation, my family and I do not speak. I have not spoken to my mother in nearly eight years. They chose to disown me rather than come to terms with the fact that they, in fact, have a daughter who dates other women. I would be careful about banking on the ideal that parents should always love their children, even if they do not agree with them. For me, the unpleasant truth was written quite starkly in blood.
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2009-10-21, 23:43 | Link #2020 | |
Fullmetal Heart
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Age: 33
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advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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