2010-03-31, 08:55 | Link #4041 | |
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
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I wouldn't try to change the person standing in front of me, it's who they are. But if I still wanted to be with that person, and a compromise could be made, I would bring it up and see if the other has an opinion about changing, but I wouldn't wait too long in bringing it up. There are many types these days: happy with a partner, happy single, fighting partners, etc. You already brought up how bad things are, but there are always many more all over who are in much worse shape for whatever reason. Sometimes it takes alot longer than others to find that right person. Some will have trouble finding that right someone, but they manage just fine. I won't say being single is right for me, but I'm doing OK right now. I'll cross that road when I get to it.
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2010-03-31, 09:12 | Link #4042 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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2010-03-31, 09:14 | Link #4043 | ||
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I wish I could say more than "I'm sorry", but nothing else comes to mind. In the end, though, I think you did what was best; you could have stayed in the relationship and continued to try and change her, always being unhappy and hating yourself for it, or you could tell her the truth. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, even if you know it will work out in the long run. On my end of things, I'm probably going to take a serious break from romance for awhile. Stress over school, stress over my family, and a lot of other factors pretty much played into ending my current relationship. I feel like a grade A bitch for hurting her, because I know I did, and the thought of her hurting makes me ache. But I had to be honest with her... Anyway, single again and planning to stay that way for awhile this time. I need to smooth out some things before I take another shot at a relationship.
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2010-03-31, 09:59 | Link #4044 | |
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" Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds. " It pretty much sums things up, heh. Long odds, indeed. But somehow, we keep trying, despite the pain we cause. RB said most of what I would have said, but this is just how love is. For a long time, I closed myself off to people because I hated this part. I didn't want to the pain of it, so I said I was done. The small chance wasn't worth the inevitable pain. So, it's up to each of us: Are we willing to face the pain, in order to keep trying at love? Or do you want to close yourself off because it's safer? At the least, because you can feel this pain, it means you're a good person at heart. Not many value the straightforward honesty, or are able to give. So that's double points for you.^^ |
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2010-03-31, 12:37 | Link #4045 |
blinded by blood
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It's not exactly over. What I did was tell her everything that concerned me and left the choice up to her. I told her that I just can't see her like a girlfriend if she's going to be the way she's been being. It's just my preferences.
I apologized for trying to force her to change and left the choice to her. I told her I'd stop trying to change her, but if she stays in that incompatible state, it's not going to work out. The rest is up to her. If she wants to stay with me, the choice is hers; if her other stuff is more important to her than me, then we'll part ways amicably.
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2010-03-31, 14:53 | Link #4046 | |
Disabled By Request
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You can, and probably will, meet hundreds upon hundreds of people throughout your life. You can love each and every one of them, and each one will receive a different kind of love. Friendship, brotherhood, you name it. Today, one of my workmates, an older woman than myself, actually admitted she saw me as a kind of younger brother figure, which made me feel quite warm inside actually because I accept her in the same way. So you see, love comes in many shapes. That being said, you will eventually meet that someone who will receive that brand of love people most often refer to as relationships. I don't like to use that word because it's too simplistic and assumes there's only certain types of love. So my advice is to just simply let it be, and eventually you'll find someone who truly deserves strong feelings from you. |
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2010-03-31, 20:00 | Link #4048 | |
Kissing...
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Syn & RB, sorry to hear about your respective separations. Hang in there. (I suppose it's kind of a weird coincidence I'm listening to Megurine Luka's Just Be Friends)
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2010-03-31, 21:14 | Link #4049 | |
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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When life turns to utter crap, will you mutually help and support each other through an event and can the couple survive it? So even if you can't dedicate as much time into the relationship as you'd like, but she's all for supporting you through your really stressful period, (which means, she'll definitely know to chill on the fun/lovey stuff cause she'll be concerned for you) then why actually 'break up'? Isn't supporting the ones you care about all part of being in a relationship as well? Or rather, is it tying into something related with your self-confidence issue. Not wanting to 'burden' her with your issues? Something doesn't sit right here RB, I don't know particular details, but all it sounds like to me is that you've shut a friend out, first and foremost. No one is really gonna be in a 'perfect' state while in a relationship (albiet, there are better states of emotional and mental health before getting into a relationship) - but you were already with her and she I'm sure is fully aware, so where or what is the key point here for you to actually cut off a support line to help you get through your really tough moments?
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2010-03-31, 21:34 | Link #4050 | |
Frandle & Nightbag
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Something doesn't sit right here RB, I don't know particular details, but all it sounds like to me is that you've shut a friend out, first and foremost. No one is really gonna be in a 'perfect' state while in a relationship (albiet, there are better states of emotional and mental health before getting into a relationship) - but you were already with her and she I'm sure is fully aware, so where or what is the key point here for you to actually cut off a support line to help you get through your really tough moments?[/QUOTE] Since I think this can be enlightening entirely on its own, try to imagine that perhaps support is not the nature of what is being given. Perhaps instead of actual support--which is as much about being able to let go as it is being able to be there in the trenches--it is affection being offered selfishly, without regard to the circumstances, without regard to the other person's direct statements and requests. Now plug that into the variable instead of support and see how justified it is. I think this is likely where the issue lies. This is what my intuition and experience would suggest.
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2010-03-31, 22:46 | Link #4051 | |
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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What it sounded like to me was 'I got too much going on, I can't cope nor deal with romance at the moment, I need to end my relationship.' Which had me thinking 'wait, if the other person hasn't done anything that adds to the stress of your life, then why cut out a support line, since you seem to get on with each other?' But as I mentioned before, it was replying of what I was reading. The situation as it was mentioned, just didn't sit right with me. As it was, it's an incomplete puzzle (so I've been updated as to what went down) - and the deal between RB and her partner seems to have been somewhat settled for now. @ RB - Whether you can remain friends and develop from this event in the months to come, I wish you guys good luck with that.
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2010-04-02, 11:49 | Link #4052 |
Counting days
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Not even close to the Caribbean anymore
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This is not so much as asking for dating advice, but I wanted to share how I've been feeling lately. In less than 4 months I'll be getting married. As the date gets closer, I've been having feelings of excitement, but also feelings of dread. For one part, I am happy, but then another side of me gets scared of something going wrong.
I wonder what will happen after the "honeymoon stage" is over. I wonder if I'll miss my single life and if he will miss his. In fact, I talked to him about this and he also has the same feelings of excitement and dread. He also wonders if he will start missing his staying late playing videogames during weekends without thoughts of going out the next day or takings the kids to the park. He wonders if he will feel he has no alone time anymore. Yet, he says he doesn;t want to go back ever to being alone. I feel the same way, wondering if I'll feel I lack freedom, if he will end up leaving me with all the chores (though he assures me he won't and we've sort of practiced already taking turns in the kitchen, doing dishes, etc.) It's hard to explain and after having gone through a divorce before, my fears sometimes increase. He is great with my daughters and they like him a lot too. Sometimes, they even call him daddy. In that sense, I also fear what would happen if anything would go wrong. How the little ones would take it... I guess it's a risk I have to take and so far I think it is worth it. On another note, I have a problem. To this day, my ex husband has no idea that I'm engaged and getting married. I don't even know if he knows I have someone though I told his brother at some point. I have no idea how to tell my ex husband or if I ought to tell him. It's confusing. My head is quite messy at the moment and my daughters tell me not to tell their father yet because even they fear how he might react. But he will eventually know somehow. Hmm...
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2010-04-02, 12:17 | Link #4053 | |
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2010-04-02, 12:52 | Link #4054 | |
PolyPerson!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern VA
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As for telling the ex? uhm, why? I mean, is there something in the court order that states you have to tell him about your personal life? If your daughters asked you not to mention it, I don't see why you would, in the first place. Unless it directly affects him (or your daughters like hey we're moving) then it's none of his business IMO. He lost his chance to interfere in your personal life when you guys split, IMO
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2010-04-02, 13:43 | Link #4055 | |
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And about your ex, you don't *have* to tell him, unless you're on speaking terms with him and you share things. Perhaps share any reasons why you might want to let him know, and we can let advise you if it's really a good idea or not?^^ |
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2010-04-02, 13:59 | Link #4056 | |
PolyPerson!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern VA
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Now, granted, eventually he'll find out, but it doesn't sound like he's terribly stable, therefore I'd have a third party (SAFE) associate (like a cop or something haha) notify him, rather than have to deal with drama like that. I'm still on my personal thing of it being none of his business, but that's me LOL
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2010-04-02, 14:17 | Link #4057 | |
Counting days
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Not even close to the Caribbean anymore
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I still want him to know at some point that I'm going on with my life and I don't want him to learn in a bad way. I might need a third party indeed. Thanks Arbitres, RB, cheyannew, and Kaijo for replying. I know I will go on and get married during summer. I will hope for the best. Now, on the ex thing. Will see if I write to his brother again. My oldest daughter doesn't want to tell her own father about me getting married because she fears for my well being.
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2010-04-02, 14:29 | Link #4058 | |
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2010-04-02, 14:46 | Link #4059 | |
Senior Guest
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Athens (GMT+2)
Age: 35
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About the single life part: I've been in love with a girl (well, woman now) for 7 years, and everytime someone asks me if random girl A is good for me, I'd always think about her and simply say no to everyone else. So, if I was married to her, I just wouldn't even think about other girls around me. The ex stuff is complicated, your actions depend on your relationship after breaking up( actual friends, facebook friends you'd talk to once a year, strangers?) as well as your feelings about each other, so I can't really tell you what to do; I definitely wouldn't invite my ex to my wedding though, even if we were close friends, as a matter of etiquette. |
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2010-04-02, 15:56 | Link #4060 |
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I'm going to back up the idea of having a third party involved, but I still think sooner or later he's going to have to find out; and he might be even angrier and become more violent if he hears it through someone else and not from you (Shiemi, not Kaijo) directly.
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advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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