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Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy
Er. No. This would be true in an ideal world, but in this one, it's not really valid. The simple fact is that sometimes it really is better for the person not just on a convenience level, but on an emotional health/safety level, to create some distance or cut someone out of their life entirely. The people who hold on to ties that put a strain on their own lives are sometimes just plain unaware of what is happening to them, but often do so out of fear of change and a need for external validation.
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It varies by circumstance, and we're coming at this from two different areas. Let's take Shiemi's example above, about a woman who didn't like smokers and dated an ex-smoker. He started smoking again, and she let him know that she didn't like that, and asked him to stop. That puts the ball in his court, to either stop if he wants to be with her, or decide he'd rather not and then she could leave him.
In that situation, or an abusive one where the person won't change, then it's okay for someone to leave and cut off ties. That's understandable and that's where you are coming from.
But if the woman, say, just up and left him out of the blue, he's going to naturally ask why. She'd tell him it was because of the smoking, and his response would naturally be, "Well, why didn't you say anything?" In that case, it is her fault because she didn't say anything. It usually indicates a deeper reason that she doesn't want to admit, as it might end up making her look worse, and thus she was just looking for excuses to push it all back on him.
People can and do change, and I'm sure you'd like to be told something in advance, rather than have someone drop you out of the blue. If someone has a history of doing things like this, then I think you'd agree they have an issue.
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On the matter of 'in it for sex' vs. 'in it for love', I again raise up the standard that if you cannot trust someone enough to just give you a straight answer about their motivations, you should not even bother pursuing a relationship with that person. A relationship will serve to deepen the ties between two people, but it's all rather pointless to try deepening trust if there's so little in place to begin with.
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Trust is just something you have to give; sure, you're gonna get hurt occasionally. But the alternative is to completely close yourself off to people. I've been there, and decided to finally open up and trust people, knowing I'll get burned again, but that's just life.
But if person A is under the impression there is a high degree of trust in the relationship, and Person B does nothing to indicate otherwise, then it's Person B that has the problem. Like above, it was Person B who misled Person A. Love has to have trust, so you're right that if no deeper relationship can happen if one party is not trusting the other. But it's a disservice to not say anything at all, and raises the question that Person B only thought of it as a superficial relationship. And thus the obvious question of "Did they actually leave because they got all they wanted, or found something better?"
Sex can happen when there's little trust, although Person A might believe there is more trust there if something like that happens, when it's more of a "fling" thing to Person B. Some people do treat such things casually. Person A might be incorrect in assuming there is something more there, but they won't know unless Person B says something.