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Old 2009-01-07, 18:33   Link #11781
lilgumba
mad scientist
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
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I know wan. On a good note the script is now 2 pages long. On a bad note is sucks donkey through a straw. -_- Crack is hard to write indeed. :P Wait for it.

Did I just accidentally get a page claim? o.o

Last edited by lilgumba; 2009-01-07 at 18:34. Reason: claim?
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Old 2009-01-07, 18:41   Link #11782
TheShinySword
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Wow, many things that I need to read...

...so of course, rather than doing so, I'll contribute a bit of crack of my own to other people's backlog!

And would you believe, it has neither Nanoha, nor Fate, nor Vivio, nor even Yuuno in it?

Spoiler for The Big Blue Dog is Her What?:


Half a bonus point for guessing Stuart's middle initial, 'cause it's fairly obvious.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA Zafira is wise indeed

Spoiler for Mr. Baker:
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Old 2009-01-07, 19:11   Link #11783
XenahortCharybdis
does whatever he wants.
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atop a hill of words.
Firstly, thanks a lot to our resident moeblob for reminding me of two things:

1. Gumba's post was actually there. Little post for a Little Gumba.
2. I still owe wan and Nao something YAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilgumba View Post
Crap did I just accidentally emo again when I said I wasn't going to? There goes that resolution. It's midnight...I don't even know why I wrote this anyway. XD

Spoiler for This Fleeting Feeling:
Hmmmmm.

Not take this seriously? Not Take This Seriously? NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?

You must be mad. I find this a novel idea.



Still, here goes.

1. Firstly, kudos for having an interesting idea. First person monologue emo is quite rare here. On the day of the wedding, you say?

2. I'm not sure how to put this. Perhaps it's the fact that you put in elements of narrative into something first person, which disrupts the flow of the latter when it is actually the latter rather than the former that should be focused. You can afford to be a bit less...descriptive in the 'action' sense, and be more descriptive in the 'feeling' sense.

Let's see...an example:
Spoiler for Example:


In short: More feelings, less events. Tweak it around a little, and try reading it out to yourself till it actually sounds like the way feelings would go.

3. Lastly, you need to pair step 2 up with a bit of good paragraphing for, (like I told *somebody* just yesterday), IMPACT!
Spoiler for Another example:


Man, this was almost depressing, only that I refuse to be depressed

Xena, Out.
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Old 2009-01-07, 20:51   Link #11784
TerranReaper
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Spoiler for KOTR 16:
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Old 2009-01-07, 21:50   Link #11785
Dusk_
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Wow, many things that I need to read...

...so of course, rather than doing so, I'll contribute a bit of crack of my own to other people's backlog!

And would you believe, it has neither Nanoha, nor Fate, nor Vivio, nor even Yuuno in it?

Spoiler for The Big Blue Dog is Her What?:


Half a bonus point for guessing Stuart's middle initial, 'cause it's fairly obvious.
Shamal's playing veterinarian again . Somehow, this kind of humour suits Zaffy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShinySword View Post
BWA HA HA HA HA HA Zafira is wise indeed

Stuart L. Baker
SLB seems fitting, considering he just got shot down .
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Old 2009-01-07, 22:21   Link #11786
XenahortCharybdis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dusk_ View Post
Shamal's playing veterinarian again . Somehow, this kind of humour suits Zaffy.


SLB seems fitting, considering he just got shot down .
....Stuart L Baker...

Isn't that just an anagram for Star Lt Bureka?

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Old 2009-01-08, 01:29   Link #11787
Evil Rick
Black Dragon
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: In the Netherrealm, thinking who to betray next...

I'm just gonna leave my coments about the works that I was rading before leaving

Satashi's Porn Star Vivio:

Well, I must admit that it's a bit sad that this story is over but it satisfied me very well, the final chapter was probably the best chapter, the emotions of Vivio refering to her past and fears as child were just beautifull, Syn... well, her final emotions were kinda wierd but nice complements, I felt Hayate a bit plain on emotions as well as the rest of Vivio's friends but nothing bad of course, the final part of Vivio speaking at Nanoha & Fate grave was really emotional yet lovelly, the final was a bit predectible tough, and I insist that the NSFW border parts trough the story were unecesary, yet this fic was quite satisfactoring to read, nice work as always

Terran Reaper's KoTR:

The story is turning quite interesting, and it has lot of action (and big weapons) that makes it very... catching I think that we're heading to a bit of conspiracy and surprises with that court (kinda a judge?) also, interesting to know what hapens with this Lance guy

Oh, btw, the draw that you'r adding are making the story look even better, good job there
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Old 2009-01-08, 03:43   Link #11788
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aaron008R View Post
I guess...><

OP theme starts 8 minutes into the show?
You might as well place it at the end of the episode, gaki.

That said, I'm missing 2 OPs for Magical Lyrical StrikerS. SECRET AMBITION and MASSIVE WONDERS are the 1st and 3rd OPs respectively as of now in this planned 52 episode remake of the original. However, there's this problem of space; how do you cram references and shots of about 200++ characters into 1min 30s?

Feel free to contribute EDs too. And help solve the space problem there as well. XD
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Old 2009-01-08, 03:58   Link #11789
Tempy
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Two hundr-- holy crap. Might wanna cut that down a bit, before it gets too big to handle.

Edit: HIVEMIND Sheba
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Old 2009-01-08, 03:58   Link #11790
Sheba
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
You might as well place it at the end of the episode, gaki.

That said, I'm missing 2 OPs for Magical Lyrical StrikerS. SECRET AMBITION and MASSIVE WONDERS are the 1st and 3rd OPs respectively as of now in this planned 52 episode remake of the original. However, there's this problem of space; how do you cram references and shots of about 200++ characters into 1min 30s?

Feel free to contribute EDs too. And help solve the space problem there as well. XD
Trim down your character count and keep those who really matter in the story.


Spoiler for All characters who had an importance in the story in one OP:
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Old 2009-01-08, 04:00   Link #11791
markesellus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin View Post
Wow, many things that I need to read...

...so of course, rather than doing so, I'll contribute a bit of crack of my own to other people's backlog!

And would you believe, it has neither Nanoha, nor Fate, nor Vivio, nor even Yuuno in it?

Spoiler for The Big Blue Dog is Her What?:


Half a bonus point for guessing Stuart's middle initial, 'cause it's fairly obvious.
Hah, definitely L for SLB. Though I think Shiny's answer is the best. I like seeing some Zafira jealously (which doesn't happen that often). Though seriously, Zafira should go out more in his human form. As a side note: I think everyone thinks Shamal is completely strange. *shot*

Quote:
Originally Posted by TerranReaper View Post
Spoiler for KOTR 16:
Hmm, in the beginning instead of telling us what happened you should describe and use flash backs or use character conversations to say what happened instead of saying straight out. The things in parentheses were unneeded. It looks like Lance was more important than I thought. Let's see what Caro Lutecia and Erio are being framed for...and how.
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Old 2009-01-08, 04:09   Link #11792
Satashi
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PS:Vivio 3

Corrected a few things, gave the girls more conversation, added a few hundred words, re-worded a couple of sentences, changed Syn taking her bra off to leaving it on, and a few other misc. things.

Enjoy~
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Old 2009-01-08, 09:26   Link #11793
MeisterBabylon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty View Post
Two hundr-- holy crap. Might wanna cut that down a bit, before it gets too big to handle.

Edit: HIVEMIND Sheba
Well OC thread is that big.

It's not too big to handle though; some of them only appear for 1 episode, some half an epi. Most of the time its because of a plot element, and the rest is because they happen to be there to due connections with the main cast.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheba View Post
Trim down your character count and keep those who really matter in the story.

Spoiler for All characters who had an importance in the story in one OP:
Well I'll try... so far I've just gone under 100. It's still not fitting because, well, SECRET AMBITION is already crammed with characters and the beat isn't exactly friendly for a full showcase, unlike Towards the Terra or Baccano!'s OPs.

Of course my obsession to feature everyone is to fix StrikerS habit of shafting...
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白露型駆逐艦の4番艦、夕立です。第三次ソロモン海戦では、けっこう頑張ったっぽい★?
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Old 2009-01-08, 10:03   Link #11794
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeisterBabylon View Post
It's not too big to handle though; some of them only appear for 1 episode, some half an epi.
so far I've just gone under 100.
For equal time to everyone, that's less than one second per character.
The Op is only for important characters in a story. One-episode characters are not considered important enough to appear in Ops.
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Old 2009-01-08, 10:13   Link #11795
MeisterBabylon
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When I said 1 epi OCs, those belonged to the 100 already being dropped. The rest have some trouble being decided, since they are involved all the way through, just not continuously...

Anyway what I said is ballpark numbers. Should be smaller...
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Old 2009-01-08, 10:45   Link #11796
Jimmy C
Senior Member
 
 
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Then concentrate on these first:

Who are the core "team" members of the "show? (they get the most time)
Who are their support staffs? (they get a second, as a group)
Who are their antagonists? (If it's safe to reveal)
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Old 2009-01-08, 12:56   Link #11797
Comartemis
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Spoiler for Nanoha SlayerS Act 1 Chapter 1:
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Old 2009-01-08, 13:10   Link #11798
Evangelion Xgouki
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A)
B)
C) II
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Old 2009-01-08, 13:57   Link #11799
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Comartemis View Post
Spoiler for Nanoha SlayerS Act 1 Chapter 1:
That's one way of sucking them into the mage action. Incredible how both of them beat the odds. With the statistics you quoted, I expected one of them to die from the procedure.
Time appears to be between 1st season and A's, is this correct? There's Nanoha but no Fate or Hayate mentioned.
But it's a start. Nice to see you actually writing a full chapter at last. Now, let's see if you can finish it. That's the really important thing.
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Old 2009-01-08, 14:15   Link #11800
Comartemis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
That's one way of sucking them into the mage action. Incredible how both of them beat the odds. With the statistics you quoted, I expected one of them to die from the procedure.
There's a plot-related reason for that. I'm not giving anything away, but suffice it to say that none of our heroines have all the relevant information on the subject of the good doctor's experiments.

Quote:
Time appears to be between 1st season and A's, is this correct? There's Nanoha but no Fate or Hayate mentioned.
Bingo. This takes place in early June, and Hayate and the Wolks will be making an appearance before the season ends.

Quote:
But it's a start. Nice to see you actually writing a full chapter at last. Now, let's see if you can finish it. That's the really important thing.
That is the trick, isn't it? Thankfully I feel really invigorated by getting this first chapter out, the second chapter shouldn't take nearly as long to produce as the first one did.
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