AnimeSuki Forums

whitepearl · 2009-02-18, 13:05

Thanks for providing the link.

Amray · 2009-02-18, 13:31

For me it is always the start of writing a novel that is the most difficult issue. "How can one start a novel where the reader will be tempted to continue through to the next chapter?" is what I will think. I would like to keep it interesting throughout the story so that people will want to continue reading it.

With regards to the dystopian thriller of which I spoke of earlier in this thread, I was thinking about starting it with words and conversations that will appear through the later story, things in which the reader will not understand until they get to that chapter in which this dialogue occurs. The lines will have to be quite interesting though so that the reader should think "That sounds good, I assume that chapter will be good to read when I get there". I know the opening of the story too and it will be quite interesting. It will get really emotional if all is planned well and the readers should hopefully fall in love with these characters to make the later chapters more epic.

Another issue is the many ideas that I have to finish the story itself. I keep getting more amazing ideas in my head of how to end it and I do not know which one that I should use. I suppose it will end being the one which I most lately thought of as it is the most epic and most upsetting and emotional, yet quite happy. The twist that I made up will also be amazing, I have that all planned too. From thoughtful experience, and how this story finishes, I now know that a story can have a really upsetting, yet truely happy ending.

The only thing that I have to worry about now is getting amnesia, in which case all of these wonderful ideas and many years of planning will perish.

whitepearl · 2009-02-18, 15:38

As a history teacher once said back when I was in junior high school, you need to come up with an introduction that "grabs the reader by the nuts." Not literally, of course, because I would be quite frightened if a pair of hands were to emerge from a book I was reading.

There is no black and white way of doing it, though. Just go with what you think will work. You could perhaps post something here and get some feedback.

It seems that you have an idea already of what you want to do, which is good.

Claude · 2009-02-21, 14:23

I wanted to do something special for my 200th post so I decided to share some of my writing. This is the first short story that I ever finished and it was written in the course of one night. The idea for it came to me while I was sitting in a car at a supermarket's parking lot. Its a romance story. Here it is in two parts:

Spoiler for Part I:

Spoiler for Part II:

Feedback would be nice. However, I don't plan to change much on this one because I'm already pretty much done with it. I've moved on to other stories.

Spectacular_Insanity · 2009-02-21, 14:47

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystique

Intro + Part 1

.
.
.

The others I’ll get to soon.
Narroth, if there’s one story out of your collection you’d like a review for, let me know otherwise I’ll just lurk and read them.

I cut out part of the quote to save space.

I really liked your story; the descriptions of cooking were simply delightful. I have to say by far my favorite part was when he was thinking:

Quote:

He couldn’t take his eyes from her whilst she ate.
He couldn’t take his eyes from her as she rose to leave and pay her bill.
He couldn’t take his eyes from the door, long after she smiled at him before leaving the restaurant.
Suddenly, going to her apartment for a private dinner didn’t seem like such a safe idea…

That made me laugh.

Anyway, as far as writing style goes, it's one of my favorites. The dialogue/introspection based narrative gives the reader more feeling for the characters (the main character in particular). Anyway, I really liked it, and I don't really have anything bad to say other than the way you divided up the blocks of text was kinda weird. Other than that, no complaints, really. Very nice job.

Mystique · 2009-02-22, 04:00

I know, took me forever to sit my ass down and spend a good few hours reading, so I only got 2 pages behind this current one done and have a few more to get through.
But keep them coming!!! A bookworm can never get enough food!

Riight, let's begin~~~

ClockWorkAngel’s “A short Story”

Spoiler:

ClockWorkAngel’s “Under the Moonshine” poem

Spoiler:

Spectacular_Insanity’s “Mystic Emblem, Chapter I: New Beginnings:”

Spoiler for .:

Next is darkfreya’s “Rose” poem.

Spoiler for .:

Arceon’s Short story poem.

Spoiler for .:

Nerroth’s ”Oni”
I presume this one is an ‘original’ piece? I usually critique those only as fanfiction imo can be appreciated when the reader has the reference of the original story it’s from

Anyways, comments:

Spoiler for .:

I’ll give you plus points for seamlessly writing the translations for the Japanese. For me, I was reading the romaji straight off, so it felt weird to see it repeated in English, but the audience would be for those who like ‘exotic’ words, although may not understand too much, so it works well, without losing the flow of the story.

Slight confusion on whose perspective this was for. I think I was thrown off by some grammar errors so wasn’t sure which character we were meant to be focusing on at the start, Akemi or Taka.
Example:

Quote:

“Taka-san!” Akemi would say, the name of her partner carried like a bird’s song upon the wind, into the ears of its intended recipient. From the very first time he had heard that irreplaceable sound, this being, who had but one name before arriving on Earth, yet had assumed many identities in the millennia since, knew he could not escape the calling of his human heart.

For human it was – with the use of Pretender technology, he and his comrades had assumed organic forms when arriving on this world, the better to hide in plain sight. What none of them realised, however, was how fundamentally changed their new lives as organics would be...

- "would say" - That could be used if the speaker was narrating the story and telling us about her in terms of something she ‘used to do’.
- Switch of genders, thus switch of characters. Who is the main focus here?
He vs It –
If we’re meant to get the notion that Akemi’s ‘partner’ isn’t human before you explain about the pretender technology, then better to refrain from using ‘he’.
Since there was no real intro for Taka as a character or for us to know that it was him who heard Akemi’s cries, something like:
“Taka-san!” It recalled Akemi saying.
Like a bird’s song upon the wind, the voice of its partner carried into its ears, solely intended for no one else.

...Could be an example.
It then joins and flows with the next sentence better since we know from the start, that the subject is some ‘being’ whose partner is called ‘Akemi’.

On a mild note, in terms of rhythm and flow, be careful of comma usage. Some places, it felt overused and so made a sentence very fragmented.
Aside from that, I’m curious to see what Taka will do next after his mini tantrum bloodbath (very human reaction though)

But an intriguing start. ^^

And finally Rio’s “Garden: Introduction”

Spoiler for .:

Part 1 done!

I'll glance through the others later, pardon the delay to the rest of ya

Tri-ring · 2009-02-22, 04:20

Although these are already announced fanfics that I wrote couple of years ago, I might dump it here as well to hear your opinion as well.

It is based on "Ah My Goddess" universe and is a trilogy.
I was writing the forth part but things in realday life got hectic and had to postpone it.

Here is part one.

Spoiler for Ritual of Vows:

If interested I will post the other two later.

Mystique · 2009-02-22, 04:27

I forget that people would be commenting on my own story that I forgot I posted a while ago.

Quote:

To Mystique
The elaborate expressions and details are very great! It is very awesome when i think the story is fiction. Nice to read stories which are related to a special thing, like cooking. It must be difficult to write.

Thanks. ^^ Umm difficult to write… well since it was about sushi and I’ve made it before I kinda drew from that experience >.>
I guess it would be a little worrying to write about food for a person who was an actual real chef, but as I said in my ‘NB’, since it was purely for fantasy and fun, I don’t think too many of us took it seriously, so I relaxed when I wrote it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spectacular_Insanity

I cut out part of the quote to save space.

I really liked your story; the descriptions of cooking were simply delightful. I have to say by far my favorite part was when he was thinking:

Quote:

He couldn’t take his eyes from her whilst she ate.
He couldn’t take his eyes from her as she rose to leave and pay her bill.
He couldn’t take his eyes from the door, long after she smiled at him before leaving the restaurant.
Suddenly, going to her apartment for a private dinner didn’t seem like such a safe idea…

That made me laugh.

You know, the sad thing is, I made myself laugh with this story when I re read it 2 and a half years later, before I decided to share with you guys here

I also made myself cringe at some of the obvious grammatical errors ><;;
- We’re always our own worst critic.

Quote:

Anyway, as far as writing style goes, it's one of my favorites. The dialogue/introspection based narrative gives the reader more feeling for the characters (the main character in particular). Anyway, I really liked it, and I don't really have anything bad to say other than the way you divided up the blocks of text was kinda weird. Other than that, no complaints, really. Very nice job.

I’ll take a re look at my paragraph usage, thanks for pointing it out to me; otherwise alike poems, I tend to use them to separate a scene or if I need to build tension or change the pace then I break up the lines like the example you loved.

But I’m glad you guys enjoyed it and managed to have a chuckle too (bonus there), it’s just to spread a little fun in here once in a while.
There is one more tale from the feisty mistress herself written back in 2006 that I found hidden somewhere on cyberpsace. Give me some time to get through the next set of reviews and stuff and I’ll post again.

Nerroth · 2009-02-22, 07:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystique

Nerroth’s ”Oni”
I presume this one is an ‘original’ piece? I usually critique those only as fanfiction imo can be appreciated when the reader has the reference of the original story it’s from

It was written as a snapshot into the history of a character from one of my longer works, Fate/Trans Form - well, said character is also a different take on one introduced in an older series - but when I entered it into the contest originally, the intent was for it to serve as a stand-alone piece.

Quote:

Anyways, comments:

Spoiler for .:

kimichan09 · 2009-02-27, 18:26

Hi!

I dont write too much, but I do sometimes. This is a short story thing I did and I made it up after listening to music. Its a story with my OC Eri Meiji and my friend Korten's OCs Alyce Hanon and Roxas Shirayuki.

Its just part 1 though, I havent finished part 2 yet...

Spoiler for Summary:

Spoiler for Part 1:

rio · 2009-03-01, 21:22

GARDEN

i 've corrected the mistakes of the part 1 a bit^^;

Spoiler for Introduction:

Introduction

Once upon a time, in 1200s, there was a small island named ‘Astillia’ in the North West of the world. The country was called “a lost country” where an old castle and royal families were at, but the country’s economy and politics weren’t flourished and the royal families hadn’t taken care of the things at all, and only concentrated on their living, so the country was poor and the people of the country had starved all the time and sometimes civil wars and rebellions had occurred.
However, one day, a man stood up. He was about 15-16 years old, not tall, but handsome with green eyes and silver hair, and had strong charisma. He was strong, and very cleaver, so he went in the castle and took the status of the king by one night. He captured the royal families and got them into the jail of the castle, and made the army and the maids and the other relatives of the castle obey him. He had charisma and the ability to control the people and lead them, so they naturally became obeying him soon.
He had tried to make his own country. He was from very poor family, just like almost all the families in the country, so he had terribly hated the country’s situation in that only the royals lead a rich and good life and they hadn’t even cared the living of the people in the country. So, he tried to make a good country, in that people could live happily and could get jobs and status and money by their ability, and unrelated to the ones that people had when they were born. So, he began to have a system that people could get the job they wanted in the castle, and chose his coworkers and aides by tests, and he could get able subordinates. By looking at such his action, everyone in the castle thought the country will be better and they could lead good lives.
However, such their hope wasn’t realized. Even 5 years had passed, the country hadn’t changed at all, rather, become worse. Civil wars had increased, and more and more people had been starved, and some villages had collapsed. In such a situation, the castle had barely maintained the prosperity though the liveliness that had been before had disappeared completely.

In that country, a story begins.

Spoiler for part1:

Part 1

“Oh. It seems it’ll be raining..”
A girl, who looked up the sky, and said with a deep sigh.
The girl’s name was Iris. She was short, about 160cm tall, and had sunny blond bob hair and brown eyes. She was 16 years old, and very cute. But the cuteness was not the kind of a beautiful girl, but of a little boy or a small animal like a squirrel. Also, she was very thin, and wore a very big dark gown, so she really looked like a boy at first glance.
She walked around a city, which was so dead.
“I didn’t know the city is such a ..”
She said so with perplexed.
The city’s name had been ‘Astilia’, which was the same name of the country’s. However, the name had been changed to ‘Rosia’ since a time. The city was the central city of the country and there were the castle and great churches and architectures. Originally, the country had been where immigrants of Liyon , a country of a closest continent of Astillia had settled in, and had made the castle and churches and architectures according to the ways by they had made them in their country. So at first, the county had been very like Liyon, and some of them had started to govern the country and one of them had become the leader. That was a beginning of the royal families of the country.
The country‘s governance had been so-so, there had been more and more immigrants, so the population had increased to about 5000. The people had spread to the other areas and had made their own villages. The city had been more prominent at that time, at least, there had been shops which had sold any vegetables, meats, fruits, flowers in that city so the people’s living hadn’t been so bad, not rich, though.
However, a little by little, the situation had changed. The people who had governed had become arrogant, and looked down on the citizens, and treated their country as their own thing. They had made systems that only they had owned the commerce, politics, law, and governance , which had let them get the most of the money and power. Later, they had begun to call themselves the royal families, and had made the children succeed the status. They hadn’t taken care of the citizens even a bit, rather, they had thought the citizens hadn’t have the right to live like the royal familes had done, so they even had banned the citizens from using their last name. Naturally, the living of the citizens had been very poor, and they had starved all the time, and, there had been civil wars in all over the country. Like that, the country had lasted for about 100 years. The country had begun to be called ‘a lost country’ by other countries, and eventually, no one had tried to immigrant into the country anymore.

However, on one very cold day, a man, who had very green eyes, and silver hair had shown up. His name was Shurihatsum, who had come from a very far village called Visthia, and the family had been very poor like most families in the country. His family had owned a farm and lived off faming vegetables, cows. But a civil war had occurred near the village, so they had had to leave the farm and move to another country. At the night before a day they had been supposed to move, they had been attacked by the members of the one of the groups joining the civil war. They had attacked the farm and killed the cows, and burned them. They had also tried to burn the straw house where his family had been sleeping, and kill them. Only Shrihatsum had noticed the smell of the smoke, and had jumped up, and tried to wake the father and mother and the grand father up, however, the fire had very reached to his room in the second floor, and he just should had gone away of the house from the window. Looked from the outside, the fire had wrapped almost all the house .“Father! Mother! ” he had cried out, but no one had responded. “Grandpa!!” He had kept shouting out , but still there hadn’t been any responses. The next day, he had been all alone. There had been nothing but charcoal of the house, and his family. He just had looked at the wreckage blankly for one day. “Why..” he had murmured suddenly, the next day had almost started and the sun had just started to rise from the far mountain .
“Why is this world like that..?”
He had muttered , the voice quivered and had a kind of quiet but strong anger.
He had stud up, and, went toward the central city. His eyes had had a very deep green color, but inside of it , there were strong red anger burning in it .

Spoiler for after that:

whitepearl · 2009-03-06, 23:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by rio

GARDEN

i 've corrected the mistakes of the part 1 a bit^^;

Spoiler for Introduction:

Introduction

Once upon a time, in 1200s, there was a small island named ‘Astillia’ in the North West of the world. The country was called “a lost country” where an old castle and royal families were at, but the country’s economy and politics weren’t flourished and the royal families hadn’t taken care of the things at all, and only concentrated on their living, so the country was poor and the people of the country had starved all the time and sometimes civil wars and rebellions had occurred.
However, one day, a man stood up. He was about 15-16 years old, not tall, but handsome with green eyes and silver hair, and had strong charisma. He was strong, and very cleaver, so he went in the castle and took the status of the king by one night. He captured the royal families and got them into the jail of the castle, and made the army and the maids and the other relatives of the castle obey him. He had charisma and the ability to control the people and lead them, so they naturally became obeying him soon.
He had tried to make his own country. He was from very poor family, just like almost all the families in the country, so he had terribly hated the country’s situation in that only the royals lead a rich and good life and they hadn’t even cared the living of the people in the country. So, he tried to make a good country, in that people could live happily and could get jobs and status and money by their ability, and unrelated to the ones that people had when they were born. So, he began to have a system that people could get the job they wanted in the castle, and chose his coworkers and aides by tests, and he could get able subordinates. By looking at such his action, everyone in the castle thought the country will be better and they could lead good lives.
However, such their hope wasn’t realized. Even 5 years had passed, the country hadn’t changed at all, rather, become worse. Civil wars had increased, and more and more people had been starved, and some villages had collapsed. In such a situation, the castle had barely maintained the prosperity though the liveliness that had been before had disappeared completely.

In that country, a story begins.

Spoiler for part1:

Part 1

“Oh. It seems it’ll be raining..”
A girl, who looked up the sky, and said with a deep sigh.
The girl’s name was Iris. She was short, about 160cm tall, and had sunny blond bob hair and brown eyes. She was 16 years old, and very cute. But the cuteness was not the kind of a beautiful girl, but of a little boy or a small animal like a squirrel. Also, she was very thin, and wore a very big dark gown, so she really looked like a boy at first glance.
She walked around a city, which was so dead.
“I didn’t know the city is such a ..”
She said so with perplexed.
The city’s name had been ‘Astilia’, which was the same name of the country’s. However, the name had been changed to ‘Rosia’ since a time. The city was the central city of the country and there were the castle and great churches and architectures. Originally, the country had been where immigrants of Liyon , a country of a closest continent of Astillia had settled in, and had made the castle and churches and architectures according to the ways by they had made them in their country. So at first, the county had been very like Liyon, and some of them had started to govern the country and one of them had become the leader. That was a beginning of the royal families of the country.
The country‘s governance had been so-so, there had been more and more immigrants, so the population had increased to about 5000. The people had spread to the other areas and had made their own villages. The city had been more prominent at that time, at least, there had been shops which had sold any vegetables, meats, fruits, flowers in that city so the people’s living hadn’t been so bad, not rich, though.
However, a little by little, the situation had changed. The people who had governed had become arrogant, and looked down on the citizens, and treated their country as their own thing. They had made systems that only they had owned the commerce, politics, law, and governance , which had let them get the most of the money and power. Later, they had begun to call themselves the royal families, and had made the children succeed the status. They hadn’t taken care of the citizens even a bit, rather, they had thought the citizens hadn’t have the right to live like the royal familes had done, so they even had banned the citizens from using their last name. Naturally, the living of the citizens had been very poor, and they had starved all the time, and, there had been civil wars in all over the country. Like that, the country had lasted for about 100 years. The country had begun to be called ‘a lost country’ by other countries, and eventually, no one had tried to immigrant into the country anymore.

However, on one very cold day, a man, who had very green eyes, and silver hair had shown up. His name was Shurihatsum, who had come from a very far village called Visthia, and the family had been very poor like most families in the country. His family had owned a farm and lived off faming vegetables, cows. But a civil war had occurred near the village, so they had had to leave the farm and move to another country. At the night before a day they had been supposed to move, they had been attacked by the members of the one of the groups joining the civil war. They had attacked the farm and killed the cows, and burned them. They had also tried to burn the straw house where his family had been sleeping, and kill them. Only Shrihatsum had noticed the smell of the smoke, and had jumped up, and tried to wake the father and mother and the grand father up, however, the fire had very reached to his room in the second floor, and he just should had gone away of the house from the window. Looked from the outside, the fire had wrapped almost all the house .“Father! Mother! ” he had cried out, but no one had responded. “Grandpa!!” He had kept shouting out , but still there hadn’t been any responses. The next day, he had been all alone. There had been nothing but charcoal of the house, and his family. He just had looked at the wreckage blankly for one day. “Why..” he had murmured suddenly, the next day had almost started and the sun had just started to rise from the far mountain .
“Why is this world like that..?”
He had muttered , the voice quivered and had a kind of quiet but strong anger.
He had stud up, and, went toward the central city. His eyes had had a very deep green color, but inside of it , there were strong red anger burning in it .

Spoiler for after that:

I have to admit that the ending of the second part took me by surprise. That guard had no chance.

Not bad of a piece, especially since English does not seem to be your first language. I could never write a decent story in any of the other languages I sort of know—English is my only strength.

I liked the line where you described Shurihatsum's green eyes and red heart.

Davy · 2009-03-07, 14:39

Hey guys!

Angel In the Night

Under, the night time sky, far beyond the lights,
Please sit down, and look at the stars.
It's the magic of the nature. Can you feel?
It's the song of the angel. Can you hear?
She's singing about love, pain and divorce.
Do you remember, that she hasn't had a choice.
Can you see the tears in her eyes,
When you look at the stars?
Under, the night time sky, far beyond the lights,
Please think of the angel in the night.

It's my first english poem. So, what are you thinking?

Nosauz · 2009-03-07, 22:53

Here's a little something I just thought of, spoilered for length

Spoiler for The cafe:

His five o'clock shadow was thick, his unkempt hair greasy wreaked of sweat. He took a deep breath, and pushed the door open, the sounds of the busy cafe filled his ears. The thick aroma of Colombian coffee tickled his nostrils. Standing there at the agape door he took in all the sights and sounds, this was home. He made his way to the counter noticing the girl behind the counter had a long think pony tail tied up in a green scrunchy, her black apron clashed her red polo shirt. As she turned around his eyes met hers, she nodded and he slapped the five down on the counter. Getting his change from her soft hands reminded him of a distant feeling that was humbling. He staggered to the open seat at the counter and rested himself in the aging stool, its vinyl cover ripped from constant barrage of asses over the past 3 decades. The seat reminded him of a feeling, a feeling that he couldn't grasp, a feeling that seemed to haunt him. The girl in her black apron was now in front of him with his piping hot coffee, the steam and aroma hit his nose as he reached to take it from her hands. The porcelain handle felt familiar, it's brown stains showing its age like the vinyl seat yet the cup felt comforting. He looked up again from his mug, her name tag glistened from the neon light but after adjusting to the light, he could clearly see it, "Amanda." Those letters in that order felt right, he rolled his tongue in his mouth, perhaps to sound it out in his brain. The feel of his mouth was reminiscent of a time long past. The bustling crowd dwindled down and all he could do was watch her serve the customers. Finally when the last customer left, she turned to him and stared into his unkempt face. Her gaze did not waiver, they were locked in this trance for a whole minute, until her face cracked and she began to laugh. Amanda, her laugh resonated through his brain, seemingly dancing, almost lyrical in nature, Amanda, her sweet voice drew him into the past.

He stood outside the cafe, nervously peering in, searching for something, someone. He stood there like a deer caught in the headlights, looking into the glass doors, finding nothing. He rubbed his chin, the few hairs he had stuck out and he lamented not shaving earlier. Finally mustering all his courage he pushed the door open. The thick aroma of Colombian coffee opened his nostrils, lifting him up, almost to the point where his feet were no longer on the ground. The noise of the crowd filled his ears, the grumbling of truck drivers and elderly men filled his spinning head. He slowly made his way to the shiny black counter, there she stood, the thing, the person he was searching for. He looked at her and opened his mouth. She stared blankly at him, their gaze lasted exactly a minute and at that moment her blank stare filled with light and energy she started to laugh, its sound was sweet, almost like the creek in the forest. Her laughter, Amanda's laughter, he would never forget its sound.

Finally she stopped laughing, and he handed her his cup, and when she went to take the cup from his hand, he felt her smooth hands grasp his gnarled paws. Her bright eyes and laughter had faded now only to be replaced with giant tears. Her tears dripped on to his hands, the impact blasting some of the grime off his hands. Again their eyes met, it seemed like an eternity in that cafe, those two hand in hand. Time may have passed but all his memories of this place were the same as the feelings he had felt today. He stared at her and said, "I'm home."

whitepearl · 2009-03-08, 01:00

Nosauz, the transition between the second and first paragraph was a little tough to decipher at first. Does the second paragraph take place after the first? It's a bit ambiguous. But I really liked the beginning; it really drew me in right away.

Davy, is the angel meant to be symbolic of anything?

Nosauz · 2009-03-08, 05:12

eh I wrote in 10-15minutes was kinda bored wanted to toy with the concept, I guess it failed. My concept was to make the story encompass the feeling of homecoming. So the some of the cues about the memories, sensations, almost haunting the man are quickly juxtaposed. I probably should have thought it out more but I tried to recreate similarities in the two paragraphs emphaisizing the sensations, though the second paragh I guess failed to do that, but the reason why their virtually no transition is because it is the past, but not view as the past by the man, it is the first time the man goes into the cafe. Of course I probably should have story boarded but I just wanted to try out the concept, I really like the idea of homecoming, because for some reason humans like salmon like to return to their "home" per se. Though salmon are porbably at the max level of that. I'll probably visit this thread more often toss out some of ideas I have. But yea I might revisit that story once I actually come up with a better concept for it. Thanks whitepearl

Davy · 2009-03-08, 06:35

Whitepearl: Not really no. I don't know, why chose the angel.

endless2010 · 2009-03-08, 17:50

So my never ending quest for a hobby continues. After recently giving up on drawing I've decided to find a new way to express my creativity. I'm considering creative writing as a possible hobby. There is one problem: I suffer from dyslexia. I can manage it, but I'm not sure how much of a problem it's going to be in creative writing.

So do any of the writers her suffer from dyslexia and if so how do you deal with it? Specially when it comes to proof reading. I'm guessing that would be the #1 problem to a writer with dyslexia.

whitepearl · 2009-03-08, 18:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nosauz

eh I wrote in 10-15minutes was kinda bored wanted to toy with the concept, I guess it failed. My concept was to make the story encompass the feeling of homecoming. So the some of the cues about the memories, sensations, almost haunting the man are quickly juxtaposed. I probably should have thought it out more but I tried to recreate similarities in the two paragraphs emphaisizing the sensations, though the second paragh I guess failed to do that, but the reason why their virtually no transition is because it is the past, but not view as the past by the man, it is the first time the man goes into the cafe. Of course I probably should have story boarded but I just wanted to try out the concept, I really like the idea of homecoming, because for some reason humans like salmon like to return to their "home" per se. Though salmon are porbably at the max level of that. I'll probably visit this thread more often toss out some of ideas I have. But yea I might revisit that story once I actually come up with a better concept for it. Thanks whitepearl

Nah, I don't think it was a failure. I really liked it, actually. I like the approach you took to introduce the characters and I could tell that the protagonist and Amanda have some sort of relationship (she knows what he wants when he walks in and he already knew to pay right away) that has potential to blossom further. I was just curious about the second paragraph's relation to the first because it seemed odd to me when I first read it. I was thinking one of the paragraphs was a flashback.

So the first and second paragraphs are different points of view, then?

Don't abandon this piece. It could become a nice short story.

Langknow · 2009-03-11, 14:05

Hi,

I love reading and watching fantasy anime, so I decided to write a bit about it, here's a prologue to my story.

Spoiler for Rainbow Heart: Prologue:

Rainbow Heart--Prologue: Shadow

Old wives’ rumors say: Beware of the child. It was a meant as a joke to newly wed couples. It became a folklore curse.

There is a village on the edge of the continent formally known as Zeusenous—it was believed the village was blessed by Zeus himself. It was known for its mighty ships and sailors that dared to sail the furious tides of the Warring Sea. Thanks to the ocean’s fish, its people were prosperous and rich.

One day, a lonely little boy, who could not possibly be over four, was seen in the harbor. Dressed in tattered black and with skin marred by dirt, the ebony-haired child stared at all by passers with pleading sad eyes of scarlet fire. One would think he was a lost little child or a runaway from abusive parents.

But the boy neither slept nor ate and said nothing when a stranger tried to talk to him. He merely stood and cried silent streams in the blazing summer heat. The stranger left, like all the others that confronted him. Some tried to move him but he was strangely heavy as a boulder. Rumors moved and two days passed.

At dawn of the third day, as a sailor rose to ready his boat for the day’s fishing, the boy crept behind him and swung his shiny sword. The sailor’s wife watched in horror as her husband’s bleeding head rolled down the ships deck and into the water. The face was frozen with mirth as the rest of the body thumped the ground. The boy plunged his sword into the woman’s chest, successfully splitting her heart in half, as she screamed.

The village was soon noisy with rolling heads and silenced screams as hearts or waists were sliced. Children could only glimpse at two red dots before their death approached. Mothers saw the teary cheeks and a bitter smile before peace came. Fathers were the only unfortunate ones to see the malicious wide grin and sparkling eyes the bloody boy possessed.

Blood washed the streets with its bitter red glare as the militia desperately tried to kill the boy with fishing gear. It was futile and the stench of death and fear intensified like fog over the village. Some gagged over their blood-spattered loved ones and others went wild with panic.

All died. Fish died as their blood polluted the sea. Nothing was spared. Their bodies and souls were devoured and crunched on by a group of dark-robed men arriving at night, their only remains was crispy black blood spread on the earth.

And what of the little boy with his tiny hands and a big sword? He vanished as his last victim fell to the ground with a splat. He was seen 6 months later at another village on the other side of the continent.

They died too.

2009-02-18, 13:05	Link #161
whitepearl Dietrich fan #681675 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: New York	Thanks for providing the link. __________________ Go Yankees. Twitter

2009-02-18, 15:38	Link #163
whitepearl Dietrich fan #681675 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: New York	As a history teacher once said back when I was in junior high school, you need to come up with an introduction that "grabs the reader by the nuts." Not literally, of course, because I would be quite frightened if a pair of hands were to emerge from a book I was reading. There is no black and white way of doing it, though. Just go with what you think will work. You could perhaps post something here and get some feedback. It seems that you have an idea already of what you want to do, which is good. __________________ Go Yankees. Twitter

2009-02-21, 14:23	Link #164
Claude Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: North Carolina Age: 31	I wanted to do something special for my 200th post so I decided to share some of my writing. This is the first short story that I ever finished and it was written in the course of one night. The idea for it came to me while I was sitting in a car at a supermarket's parking lot. Its a romance story. Here it is in two parts: Spoiler for Part I: Parking Lot By Claudius The blue sedan drove into the supermarket's parking lot just as the sun was setting in for the night. Like usual, the place was full of cars and finding a good spot was quite difficult. After a bit of compromise, the sedan finally parked into a spot halfway from the store's entrance and a woman got out of the car. "Stay in the car and don't mess with the throttle, honey," said the woman. Her son, sitting in the driver's seat, gave his mother an annoyed look as if to hint that he wasn't a little child. He was already sixteen years old after all. He felt that he was mature enough to sit still in a car for a few minutes. "It might take a little while to find everything, so I’ll leave the engine running. It sure is cold outside," were the last words his mother said to him as she jogged up to the entrance of the supermarket against the cold winter wind. The boy took off his shoes and laid his feet on the dashboard. He soon became bored and decided to turn on the radio. The first few beats of an old sixties song started to play. Soon, the lyrics of the music began to fill the car. Listen baby.. Ain't no mountain high Ain't no valley low Ain't no river wide enough baby If you need me, call me No matter where you are No matter how far - Don't worry baby Just call my name I'll be there in a hurry You don't have to worry Before he knew what he was doing, he started to sing along to the music, "'Cause baby, there ain't no mountain wide enough! Ain't no valley low enough! Ain't no river wide enough!" He was about to get to the best part when a knock on the car window startled the life out of him. He jumped and quickly flipped off the radio as he turned to see who was there. That's when he saw her. It was a girl with long brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes. She wore a pink bow on the left side of her head and freckles dotted her slender face. She was in the car parked beside the boy's blue sedan and was leaning out of the driver's seat's window. Without thinking, the boy lowered his window and the cold breeze rushed into the heated car's interior. "A little loud don't you think?" She asked with a whimsical smile. The rose of embarrassment spread across his face as he stuttered a response. "O-oh, I wasn't aware that there was anyone around. Sorry about that." The girl laughed as she sat back down into her seat, her window still open. "My name's Lisa," the girl said, as she repositioned her hair bow as if something was wrong with it. "I'm Allen," the boy responded. He was still a little shaken up by the sudden introduction and his shy voice was barely audible. "Well, Allen, it looks like we're in the same situation here. My father went out to get a pack of cigarettes half an hour ago and he still hasn't come back. He's probably trying to coax the cashier to give him a discount or something." The girl had a bored look on her face and she sat down with her head turned towards Allen's car as if she was ordering him to provide some form of entertainment. Allen had never really talked to many girls before, let alone a cute one. She looked around his age as well. He felt as if he was the luckiest guy alive, but his anxiety made him feel like crawling into a hole. "I heard what you were listening to. Or maybe I should say singing to. That was Ain't no Mountain High Enough sung by Marvin Gaye and Tami Terrel, wasn't it?" The fact that Lisa knew so much was a surprise to Allen. He thought that he was the only teenager alive that liked listening to this kind of music. He felt that fate had allowed them to meet that night in the supermarket's parking lot. He decided that he had to get her phone number, anything, before they split paths and never met again. "Hey Allen, how long have lived here in North Carolina?" asked Lisa. "I've been living here all my life." "Lucky. This place sure is nice. Don't you think so?" Allen had never liked the quiet mountain town he lived in, but he decided it would be best to answer her with the response she wanted to hear. "Yeah, it sure is nice here." Lisa smiled as she leaned back into her car seat. "My dad's dragging me to some metal band concert tomorrow. I really don't wanna go. He always does whatever he wants," Lisa said as she crossed her arms. "Your dad sounds fun. Maybe you guys will have a good time," Allen lied. Personally, Allen had always hated metal music and would have rather jumped out of a plane without a parachute before listening to it. Lisa suddenly leaned out of her window again and her long brown hair blew in the wind. Allen felt as if they had somehow gotten very close over the course of the ten minutes they had been talking and his heart began to race wildly. "Hey Allen," Lisa said, "Can you hold my hands for a bit? They feel like they're going to freeze off any second." Allen couldn't believe what he was hearing. The utter sensation of happiness made him feel like his heart would burst at any second, but his face didn't dare to show this emotion. As coolly as possible, he reached out both of his hands and clasped Lisa's in between them. "That's a lot better," Lisa said as a smile spread across her face. At that moment, a portly man in a black leather coat walked up to the car and Lisa quickly snatched her hands out of Allen's warm grasp. She raised the window and moved over to the passenger seat as the man approached the car door. Allen turned away as if nothing had happened as the man got into the car with Lisa. Her dad had come and Allen knew then that he had failed. He felt horrible as the thought of never seeing Lisa again erased any trace of joy his heart had held just a few moments ago. As Lisa's car pulled out of its parking space, Allen turned in order to get one last glimpse at her face. It now held a melancholy expression as she waved a discreet goodbye with her frail hands. A final pang of sorrow was delivered as Lisa's car drove off. He saw that the car's license plate had the word "Georgia" engraved at the top. Everything was over now, and Allen slumped back into his seat. He didn't even notice the cold winter gale biting at his skin as his car window remained open. A few minutes later, his mother returned with a load of groceries and the two drove back home as if nothing had happened. Spoiler for Part II: That night, Allen took a hot shower and got into bed early. Even though it was Friday night, he didn’t feel like doing anything. He stared at the ceiling as if all the stars in the sky had gone out. He laid there for half an hour before something occurred to him. Allen leaped off his bed and ran to his computer. The slow loading speed of his internet browser irritated him more than usual as he impatiently searched for the answers he needed. After a few minutes of searching, he finally found it. It was a list of all the metal band concerts that were being held in the area. Only one was scheduled for tomorrow and it was only a few miles away from his house. “Thank you God!” he shouted to the heavens. He quickly clicked the big icon that said “BUY TICKETS”, but was redirected to a depressing sight. All the tickets had been sold out and it would be impossible to obtain any the night before the concert. Allen felt as if God had betrayed him twice that evening, but he did not lose all hope. The following evening, Allen found himself in front of the stadium where the concert was about to be held. He had no ticket in his hand, but he stood there with an air of determination. Allen snuck to a back entrance to the stadium that he and his friends had discovered the year before during a school field trip. Allen began to climb the chain linked fence separating him from his goal and was halfway there when a security guard spotted him. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing? Get back here!” Allen finished scaling the last half of the fence with haste and jumped down to the other side before running for it. He made it into a crowded sea of people and successfully escaped the guard. Allen began his search for Lisa as he squeezed past the many members of the audience, but the lights suddenly shut off. All attention was focused on the stage as the concert began and the first few rifts of loud metal music split across the air. It was impossible to see anything but the stage and all the people screaming in his ears did not help the matter. Allen knew he would never be able to find Lisa at this rate and began to push his way towards the stage. Right as the first song came to its end the band was taking a minute to set up for the next one. Allen took this chance to climb up on stage and snatched the lead singer’s microphone from its stand. All of the spotlights were fixated on him and Allen felt like he was an ant among giants. An atmosphere of shock hung over the stadium and everyone waited with anticipation. Even the security guards didn’t try to stop him. Everyone was curious to see what would happen. With a shaking voice, the first few words left Allen’s mouth and those words were amplified throughout the entire stadium by the microphone. Before he knew it, Allen found himself singing to a crowd of thousands. Singing a song that he was too embarrassed to admit that he loved, even to his best friends. It started out like this: “Listen baby.. Ain't no mountain high Ain't no valley low Ain't no river wide enough baby If you need me, call me No matter where you are No matter how far - Don't worry baby Just call my name I'll be there in a hurry You don't have to worry” As he went on, the crowd began to boo, but Allen felt an aura of confidence build up within him. His voice stopped shaking and he continued to sing the lyrics of his favorite song. He knew that, somewhere in the crowd, Lisa was listening to him sing, just like when they had met for the first time the night before. He felt like he could accomplish anything. “Lisa, if you’re out there… I want to tell you tha-” Before Allen could finish, the lead singer of the metal band ran up and drop kicked him in the back of the head. The roar of the audience deafened Allen as he fell to the hard wooden surface of the stage and his vision faded. When Allen woke up, he found himself backstage on a wooden table. He had a horrible headache. Two security guards were sitting beside him. “Hey kid, you all right? That was quite a kick you received,” said one of the guards. “Yeah, you were out cold. We thought you were dead,” agreed the other. Suddenly, it occurred to Allen that the metal music had stopped. He jumped off the table and ran on to the stage. His worst fears had come true. The concert was over and most of the people had already left. Only a few remaining spectators slowly ambled towards the exits. Allen fell to his knees and felt like he was about to cry. “Get off the stage so we can clean up, moron,” called a janitor. Allen slowly picked himself up and got off the stage. He headed towards the exit with a feeling of utter defeat. He didn’t know that life could be so cruel. As he walked outside, he saw that it was already night and it was also way past his curfew. He cursed his own rotten luck as he kicked a soda can that lay on the ground. The stadium’s large parking lot only had a few remaining cars as everyone retired for the night. As Allen walked towards the street, the frigid air nipped at his fingers. That’s when someone grasped his hand. It was a warm hand that felt soft to the touch. Allen turned around and saw Lisa. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, just like the first time he had met her in the supermarket’s parking lot the night before. “Winter sure is cold here in North Carolina, Allen. Not like the winters down in Georgia.” Allen pulled Lisa into his arms and hugged her tightly. He never wanted to let her go again. “Lisa, I missed you so much,” Allen whispered. “Its only been a day, silly. Do you love me that much?” she answered. This time, it was Lisa that was blushing. “All right Lisa, I’ve been waiting for an hour now and you know how long a drive it is to get back home. Let’s get a move on young lady,” said a man’s deep voice. It was Lisa’s father that had snuck up on the two of them and was anxious to leave for home. Lisa and Allen abruptly ended their embrace with embarrassed looks on their faces. “Dad! I’ll be right there. Could you please wait in the car?” asked Lisa, in a somewhat whiny voice. Lisa’s father scoffed and slowly walked towards his car and left the two alone to say their goodbyes. “Well Allen, it was great meeting you again.” “Are we ever going to meet again? Is this really goodbye, Lisa?” Lisa grasped Allen’s hands as she stepped in and gently kissed him on the lips. It was Allen’s first kiss and he was so startled that he couldn’t speak. “Of course not, silly. We’ll meet again for sure, Allen,” Allen watched on as Lisa walked towards her car. Just like the night before, he wanted to get one last glimpse at the girl that he had fallen in love with before she left. After her car had faded from view into the dark night, he noticed a piece of paper scrunched in his right hand. He unfolded it to find a phone number. This time, he had succeeded. The sky was cloudy that night and no stars were visible. But that didn’t matter. Because Allen knew that they were still there. Feedback would be nice. However, I don't plan to change much on this one because I'm already pretty much done with it. I've moved on to other stories.

2009-02-22, 04:20	Link #167
Tri-ring Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Land of the rising sun	Although these are already announced fanfics that I wrote couple of years ago, I might dump it here as well to hear your opinion as well. It is based on "Ah My Goddess" universe and is a trilogy. I was writing the forth part but things in realday life got hectic and had to postpone it. Here is part one. Spoiler for Ritual of Vows: In June, to their surprise K1 and Bell receives an invitation to a wedding ceremony to the Otaki and Yamano families. After attendance of the ceremony that turned into the usual mayhem, K1 is quietly walking home with Bell. K1 graduating school next year was considering what his future beholds, imagining his own ceremony with Belldandy. Breaking the silence, Bell questioning K1 what today’s ceremony was all about not understanding human rituals. K1 muddles through to explain what marriage is vaguely conveying the concept to Bell. In return K1 asks Bell if there is a similar concept in heaven. Bell explains that there is no such thing as a written contract to bind two souls together but continues, stating that there are similar rituals to show their vows of affection to each other not going into details. She adds that she had already made her vow. K1 puzzled to what she just said receive only an innocent smile from Bell in return. Returning home, he hears laughter from an unfamiliar voice when Belldandy rushes into the tearoom to the source of the voice where she hugs the man with affection exclaiming “father”. The three sisters introduce K1 to their father where he gleans down jealously at K1 thanking him for taking care of his three “precious” daughters. K1 awkwardly says hello realizing he is the one that is keeping all of his three daughters from home. All seated around the table in the tearoom, Bell and Skuld lively talking with their father, K1 notice Urd’s somewhat distanced with his presence and point her to step out of the room. In the hallway K1 ask why she is not more happy meeting him like the others. Urd explains that although she looks up to him with respect, she confesses that she is like her mother feeling uneasy around him. K1 then asks if she knew why he came down to earth, she sign and response saying she has no idea of his unannounced visit. When a voice from behind interrupts asking Urd if a father needs a reason to visit his daughters. He then adds asking Urd how Hild was doing. Urd gives the old man a hug as a hidden sign of apology for her prior statement and shrugs answering she is doing well, being her usual devious self and everyone returns back to the room. The next day K1 was developing a design draft for his graduation project in his own room when father ask if he can come in. K1 opens the door inviting him in, offering a zabuto to sit on. Father at that point notices K1’s design stating his admiration that the lines are esthetically beautiful but will do better pointing out minor adjustments. K1 understood his advice and thanks him, admitting he was having difficulties in deciding the points he just pointed out. K1 sees why Skuld is always creating gadgets where father confesses he was a bad influence to her, when she should have more interests in female things like singing to become a goddess and not a grease monkey like himself. From outside of the room, Belldandy announces that she had brought tea for them. K1 invites her in and unfolds a portable table where she can place the cups when K1 noticed she looked distracted wondering why. After serving tea Belldandy starts to leaves the room without joining into the conversation, which K1 again felt somewhat strange but was not able to place his finger on, When he also noticed an eerie silence in the house when bickering voices between Urd and Skurd was the norm. K1 asks Belldandy as she was leaving the room why it is so quite today. Bell simply replies with a slanted head nod and an awkward smile trying to convey that she did not understand the nature of his question. Back in the kitchen we see Urd and a very reluctant Skuld where Belldandy returns. Urd asks Bell what they were talking about but Bell tells them she has no idea since she did not intervene. Urd turns to Skuld and tells her to behave just today for Belldandy’s sake. Skuld shrugs and states that although she is not at all happy, after starting her own relationship with Sentaro, she understands that this is what Belldandy wants the most and acknowledges she will behave. Urd then makes a quick remark that she should have spiked the tea. Only to take it back to assure Bell that she will not interfere understanding that, like taking in an angel, he must be fully aware of the consequences and still desire it from bottom of his heart. Meanwhile, father and K1 engage a conversation where K1 talks about his everyday life with the three daughters. Father is somewhat embarrassed to the trouble K1 is facing but K1 assures him that it is no trouble at all and that he is enjoying every minute of it. After a while, Bell invites the two to the tearoom telling them that lunch is ready. After the meal father announces it is time for him to leave. Hearing this Urd shoves K1 telling him if he had forgotten something, which K1 can’t figure out what she was supposedly leading to when K1 catches a glimpse of Belldandy with a hint of gloom in her face. Suddenly they all hear a familiar thunder bolt striking the temple grounds. The gang including father gathers outside where Hild greets them. Urd jumps out of the crowd demanding what she wanted on a day like this when father walks up to her with a warm hug stating how he misses her. Hild slyly greets father saying you weren’t going to leave without saying hello. Father answers that he is here on private affairs, dropping by to say hello to his daughters and has no intentions to confront her. Hild bites back with sarcasms that she never did like his hypocritical attitude but admits that the negotiation with him to introduce the doublet system had its virtues and the time she spent with him in between negotiations brings back fond memories. She adds that he also left some unnecessary burden glancing over Urd. Urd barks back at Hild, screaming at top of her voice demanding what that meant. Father in an effort to calm things down steps in between the mother daughter bickering telling that his vows to her to walk with her till the end was sincere. Hild evades his words joking back that she was merely amusing herself playing with fire and had no intent on her part. After Hild’s wild entrance settles down, father turns back to the gang that he misses all not being to see them but was also glad to see each one of them maturing in their own ways. Then he turns to K1 and ask to take care of them especially Belldandy who shows sincere affection towards him. K1 after a moment of thought remembering the longevity of a goddess and how he may fill her heart with sorrow when his time comes, answers with commitment in his eyes voicing out (starting with a slight tremble) that although he is a mere mortal without any special powers and for sure his lifespan is just a blink of a eye to them, he vows to protect Belldandy with his life and take a journey with her until his end. Suddenly Hild bursts out in laughter as she says that this officially makes Urd an “Ikazugoke (an old maid)” Belldandy bursts into joy with tears in her eyes jumping to embrace K1. Father steps towards a stunned K1 not understanding what just happened, states he formally accepts his vows and acknowledge the taking place of the ritual of vows still hearing Hild tantalizing Urd that she is a “Makeinu(loser)” in the back. Skurd steps forward taking Bell’s hand into her own, congratulates Bell’s newly fortified relationship, turning her head to K1 warning him that she will always be her sister first and that K1 will always be a distant second in their relationship closing the sentence by calling K1 “Onii-sama(brother)”. K1, finally starting to realize what just happened is tapped on his shoulders by father, and is told to take good care of his daughter ending the sentence with “my son”. Then steps in the light to rise to the heavens where he makes his leaving message to show their faces to mother who will be expecting to see their grandchild. As a reply father sees Bell holding a somewhat panicky K1 tightly in her arms seeing him off and makes a mental note that it might take a while. As a closing scene we see K1 walking into his room alone where he finds a gigantic bed sheeted with roses and a greeting card signed “Please accept this as a gift and use it for good use. Peorth” in the background we also see a familiar silhouette of a battle-ax. If interested I will post the other two later.

2009-02-27, 18:26	Link #170
kimichan09 Kimiko Ashihara Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Dayton, Ohio Age: 33	Hi! I dont write too much, but I do sometimes. This is a short story thing I did and I made it up after listening to music. Its a story with my OC Eri Meiji and my friend Korten's OCs Alyce Hanon and Roxas Shirayuki. Its just part 1 though, I havent finished part 2 yet... Spoiler for Summary: OKAY FIRST THING. I dont know what happened to cause the fire and blah blah... so dont ask me! XD ----- I decided to make the oneshot, a two-parter! >D So here is part one! And I was going for a painful experience for the transformation... did it work? O.o ----- A devil has a certain thing it musn't reveal. A secret. Something to hide. If that certain fact was revealed... the devil would be consumed in its own immense greed and lust and become a whole other person. It would become 'matured', a fully awakened demon with no regards towards others' feelings. Just what happens to Eri? He now realizes his true feelings toward Alyce... but can he say them? Or will that simple confession of love be his end... and beginning? ----- ENJOY! Spoiler for Part 1: A Detrimental Transformation -- Part 1 ---------- The flames cracked and popped, sparks flew into the night air, filling the sky with a bright orange light. The stars dimmed in the bright, flickering light of the dancing flames and out of the building from which they spouted, a dark figure approached the outside. His emerald hair shone a bright gold as he slowly paced away from the glowing building. In his arms, a young girl lay, unconscious from inhaling the dark smoke inside the building. Her pale rose hair was shadowed by the boy’s figure and her limp body lay gently in his slender arms. As soon as he was a safe distance from the enflamed building, he put the girl softly on the ground and stood back up. His violet eyes filled with sorrow as he turned towards the smoldering building. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for this to happen…” Footsteps crept closer to where he stood… tip tap tip tap… and stopped in front of the girl. The boy turned to face the stranger, his face shadowed by the night. The stranger knelt down to the girl, gently stroking her hair. His maroon hair glowed in the dancing light as he stood up. “Eri… what did you do?” “Don’t put all the blame on me, you bastard. I wasn’t the one who started this.” Eri’s eyes narrowed and he turned to face the flames once more. His heart thumped in his chest, he was nervous of what would happen if he said how he felt. “Eri! Did you even stop to think about what this would do to her?!” Eri stood, motionless, his back facing Roxas. Roxas clenched his shaking fists that seemed to tremble uncontrollably from rage. He made his way across the grass to Eri, where he landed a hard blow to Eri’s face, causing him to skid onto the ground. “Why do you even go near Alyce?! Don’t you get that she hates you?!” Eri laid on the grass, rubbing his left eye with his hand. The blow to his face had given him a blackened eye and a bruised cheekbone. He spouted a demented laugh and sat up, revealing to Roxas his bruised face. Roxas, now feeling nervous, just backed away a few steps. “She hates me, huh? Heh… Why do I go near her? It’s because… I… I love--” A sudden burst of energy surged through Eri’s body, causing him to stop short. The feeling spread through his body like a wildfire, and felt like it too. The pain was unbearable and he struggled to catch his breath. Burning. The sensation passed through his body in surges. A heavy perspiration fell from his face and he tightly gripped the grass under his fingers. “Wha-what’s happening?!” Roxas stared in horror at the sight in front of him. Eri’s body seemed to radiate with every surge of pain. His hair grew at an alarming pace along with his teeth and he started to scream out as his skull protruded and two large growths formed on the sides of his head. Eri screamed in pain, feeling the growths protrude farther from his skull until they ruptured through the bone and skin with a powerful crack. It was like thunder and echoed all through the area. Blood ran down Eri’s head and face; he seemed to be unconscious in shock. The two deep violet horns twisted to the back of his head. Pain was all he could feel at the moment. “What… is happening to me…?” Alyce stirred and awoke to see Roxas lingering over her, causing her to yell with fear. She leapt up, shaking, seeing as there was only her, Roxas, and Eri. Roxas gasped as she backed away from him. In an attempt to protect her, he grabbed her arm, not knowing the consequences of the action. “NO! Let go of me! Let go!!” Alyce struggled to free herself, nailing Roxas in the neck with one of her fists. He dropped to the ground, holding his nape and gasping for air. Eri looked up in their direction, but couldn’t see. His vision blurred as the pain still surged through his body. The blood from his dark horns dripped on his shoulders. His now matured face looked exhausted and despondent. Alyce glanced at him, shadowed by the blazing building, and stepped back, overtaken with fear. Eri struggled to stand, his feet feeling unresponsive to his brain. He fell back onto his knees and looked up at Alyce, who flinched each time he moved. With a thrust upwards, he hurdled himself on his feet and leaned up against a tree to steady himself. He panted hard, still feeling exhausted, and stared at his hands. “Why is this happening…?” He lifted his hand to his one of his horns, feeling the grooves and rough texture. It pulsed with pain, but he kept feeling the surface. With a smirk, he understood what had happened just a moment ago. “I get it now… I’ve matured.” He shot a look at Alyce, a look of fear and paranoia written from cheek to cheek. Instead of flinching with fear, Alyce looked at him, starting to feel bad for him. She shook her head, wondering why she thought that about a guy. Eri pushed himself off the tree and tried to stand. Feeling unbalanced, he tripped on his feet and almost fell down. Alyce backed away every time he would step closer to her. When she was backed against a tree, he reached out and grabbed her shoulder, firm, but not hard. “Alyce… I know about you’re situation. I wanna help you… and I want you to… help me.” His eyes gleamed in the fiery light, causing Alyce to be hypnotized in them. She stared at him, not realizing she didn’t feel afraid of his presence. A loud thump was heard and Eri fell to his knees once again. He grabbed his shoulders and shook hard, twitching with every thump that sounded from his body. He wanted to scream, but an immense pain rose from his back that prevented him from doing so. Instead, Eri shut his eyes and slammed his head down into the ground, causing more pain in his head. He shook, his head on the ground and his hands now embracing his sides. Alyce watched as two shadows emerged from his back and spread out like wings. It was hard for her to believe this was happening. “What… what are t-those?” Alyce’s finger pointed to the dark shadowy wings that immediately took shape and disappeared. Eri relaxed his shoulders a little and gasped for breath. His wide eyes examined his palms, which now bore images of a yin and yang circle, in red and black. His mind felt darker and more intense than it did a moment ago and he started to chuckle in an evil fashion. “Why do I… feel like this? What am I thinking…?” Eri closed his hands and looked up at Alyce, who looked shocked and afraid. His eyes, now darkened with the feelings of greed and lust, stared at Alyce, not wanting to look away from her. In a swift motion, Alyce swung her foot at him and kicked his head out of fear. Eri stumbled a little, but stood right up and grabbed her arm, a look of desire on his face. “Alyce… why don’t I… take you back to my place?” “E-Eri… No… you’re not Eri. You’re not Eri!!” ---------- Part 1 END __________________ Created byNabiki Asakura

2009-02-18, 13:31	Link #162
Amray Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: England Age: 34	For me it is always the start of writing a novel that is the most difficult issue. "How can one start a novel where the reader will be tempted to continue through to the next chapter?" is what I will think. I would like to keep it interesting throughout the story so that people will want to continue reading it. With regards to the dystopian thriller of which I spoke of earlier in this thread, I was thinking about starting it with words and conversations that will appear through the later story, things in which the reader will not understand until they get to that chapter in which this dialogue occurs. The lines will have to be quite interesting though so that the reader should think "That sounds good, I assume that chapter will be good to read when I get there". I know the opening of the story too and it will be quite interesting. It will get really emotional if all is planned well and the readers should hopefully fall in love with these characters to make the later chapters more epic. Another issue is the many ideas that I have to finish the story itself. I keep getting more amazing ideas in my head of how to end it and I do not know which one that I should use. I suppose it will end being the one which I most lately thought of as it is the most epic and most upsetting and emotional, yet quite happy. The twist that I made up will also be amazing, I have that all planned too. From thoughtful experience, and how this story finishes, I now know that a story can have a really upsetting, yet truely happy ending. The only thing that I have to worry about now is getting amnesia, in which case all of these wonderful ideas and many years of planning will perish.

2009-03-01, 21:22	Link #171
rio Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: JPN around Tokyo	GARDEN i 've corrected the mistakes of the part 1 a bit^^; Spoiler for Introduction: Introduction Once upon a time, in 1200s, there was a small island named ‘Astillia’ in the North West of the world. The country was called “a lost country” where an old castle and royal families were at, but the country’s economy and politics weren’t flourished and the royal families hadn’t taken care of the things at all, and only concentrated on their living, so the country was poor and the people of the country had starved all the time and sometimes civil wars and rebellions had occurred. However, one day, a man stood up. He was about 15-16 years old, not tall, but handsome with green eyes and silver hair, and had strong charisma. He was strong, and very cleaver, so he went in the castle and took the status of the king by one night. He captured the royal families and got them into the jail of the castle, and made the army and the maids and the other relatives of the castle obey him. He had charisma and the ability to control the people and lead them, so they naturally became obeying him soon. He had tried to make his own country. He was from very poor family, just like almost all the families in the country, so he had terribly hated the country’s situation in that only the royals lead a rich and good life and they hadn’t even cared the living of the people in the country. So, he tried to make a good country, in that people could live happily and could get jobs and status and money by their ability, and unrelated to the ones that people had when they were born. So, he began to have a system that people could get the job they wanted in the castle, and chose his coworkers and aides by tests, and he could get able subordinates. By looking at such his action, everyone in the castle thought the country will be better and they could lead good lives. However, such their hope wasn’t realized. Even 5 years had passed, the country hadn’t changed at all, rather, become worse. Civil wars had increased, and more and more people had been starved, and some villages had collapsed. In such a situation, the castle had barely maintained the prosperity though the liveliness that had been before had disappeared completely. In that country, a story begins. Spoiler for part1: Part 1 “Oh. It seems it’ll be raining..” A girl, who looked up the sky, and said with a deep sigh. The girl’s name was Iris. She was short, about 160cm tall, and had sunny blond bob hair and brown eyes. She was 16 years old, and very cute. But the cuteness was not the kind of a beautiful girl, but of a little boy or a small animal like a squirrel. Also, she was very thin, and wore a very big dark gown, so she really looked like a boy at first glance. She walked around a city, which was so dead. “I didn’t know the city is such a ..” She said so with perplexed. The city’s name had been ‘Astilia’, which was the same name of the country’s. However, the name had been changed to ‘Rosia’ since a time. The city was the central city of the country and there were the castle and great churches and architectures. Originally, the country had been where immigrants of Liyon , a country of a closest continent of Astillia had settled in, and had made the castle and churches and architectures according to the ways by they had made them in their country. So at first, the county had been very like Liyon, and some of them had started to govern the country and one of them had become the leader. That was a beginning of the royal families of the country. The country‘s governance had been so-so, there had been more and more immigrants, so the population had increased to about 5000. The people had spread to the other areas and had made their own villages. The city had been more prominent at that time, at least, there had been shops which had sold any vegetables, meats, fruits, flowers in that city so the people’s living hadn’t been so bad, not rich, though. However, a little by little, the situation had changed. The people who had governed had become arrogant, and looked down on the citizens, and treated their country as their own thing. They had made systems that only they had owned the commerce, politics, law, and governance , which had let them get the most of the money and power. Later, they had begun to call themselves the royal families, and had made the children succeed the status. They hadn’t taken care of the citizens even a bit, rather, they had thought the citizens hadn’t have the right to live like the royal familes had done, so they even had banned the citizens from using their last name. Naturally, the living of the citizens had been very poor, and they had starved all the time, and, there had been civil wars in all over the country. Like that, the country had lasted for about 100 years. The country had begun to be called ‘a lost country’ by other countries, and eventually, no one had tried to immigrant into the country anymore. However, on one very cold day, a man, who had very green eyes, and silver hair had shown up. His name was Shurihatsum, who had come from a very far village called Visthia, and the family had been very poor like most families in the country. His family had owned a farm and lived off faming vegetables, cows. But a civil war had occurred near the village, so they had had to leave the farm and move to another country. At the night before a day they had been supposed to move, they had been attacked by the members of the one of the groups joining the civil war. They had attacked the farm and killed the cows, and burned them. They had also tried to burn the straw house where his family had been sleeping, and kill them. Only Shrihatsum had noticed the smell of the smoke, and had jumped up, and tried to wake the father and mother and the grand father up, however, the fire had very reached to his room in the second floor, and he just should had gone away of the house from the window. Looked from the outside, the fire had wrapped almost all the house .“Father! Mother! ” he had cried out, but no one had responded. “Grandpa!!” He had kept shouting out , but still there hadn’t been any responses. The next day, he had been all alone. There had been nothing but charcoal of the house, and his family. He just had looked at the wreckage blankly for one day. “Why..” he had murmured suddenly, the next day had almost started and the sun had just started to rise from the far mountain . “Why is this world like that..?” He had muttered , the voice quivered and had a kind of quiet but strong anger. He had stud up, and, went toward the central city. His eyes had had a very deep green color, but inside of it , there were strong red anger burning in it . Spoiler for after that: Shurihatsumu had walking in the Central city. He hadn’t been there before, but he had remembered the place when he had seen the map. He had searched for the castle. Then, he had tried to ask that to a passerby. “Excuse me sir, where----“ Then, he had found, that the man‘s face was very strained, and the eyes told him he was frightened. He had turned around suddenly to see the other people, then, he was astonished, because everyone looked at him very seriously, and the eyes opened widely. He didn’t noticed the people’s reaction, because he was so absorbed in an emotion that he held in his mind that had made him go to the city . But, he remembered what he was going to do soon, so he had asked him again. ‘’ Where, is the castle?” The man answered with hesitated. “Go straight down this street, and turn right the corner.” For Shurihatsumu, such people’s reaction weren’t rare. He had been always looked like that when he had been in places, except his village. His village had been so small, that his neighbors had been only 7 people, they had been very friends with Shurihatsumu’s family since his family had moved to the village, so, everyone had known him since he had been a baby and no one had treated him as special. However, when he had been in another villages or cities, he had always been treated like a stranger. But they hadn’t hated or discriminated him. They just had been feared him for his unnaturalness and the kind of fear had resembled very admiration. He had had very green eyes, which had been like inhaling things and very silver hair that outstanded him.But what had made him outstand had not been only the looks, but the atmosphere. Around him, there had been very white aura that had separated him from the scenery. So everyone had looked at him had thought as if he had the other kind of creature from other planet. But they couldn’t have turned their eyes away, and eventually just had been attracted to him. He hadn’t thought such people’s reaction favorable. He had been always curious why they had treated him like a special person and always had looked at him. He had been very wondering that, so one day, he had asked his mother about that. “That is, because you are special” the mother had said so. “Everyone knows you are talented, by your gesture, words, appearance. You just don’t notice that now. Someday, you will know that by yourself. But, at that time, you may lose your important things.” He hadn’t understood what she had tried to say, but the words had been wandering around in his head ever since. He just walked to the castle. He found the corner, and turned right. The street was very quiet, and no passerby was walking there. Before his eyes, a very white castle were at. That was very beautiful, and graceful. He had lost himself for a while to see it. “.. Oh right, I 'd go” He had reached the castle’s gates. The gates was black and beautifully decorated and high, that was about 10 m tall. There were 2 guardians in front of the gates. They had very large body so they looked very strong. “Could you please let me in?” He asked them. “Who are you?” “Yeah, I’m--” Then, he had punched one guardian’s face suddenly. The man’s body had been flung away and bumped against the gates very strongly and he hadn't moved anymore. “What the hell are you doing!” The other man had been very mad and shouted at him. “Hey, what made you so angry? I just said I wanted you to let me in .Couldn’t you hear ?” “You..!” The guardian had tried to draw the sword but then, his head had been cut out from his body with a silver line between them from Shurihatsumu’s right arm flung up. Shurihatsumu had grasped a sword that had cut the neck straight from left to right. As looking at the sword smeard by the blood, he said, “Oh.. sorry guys.. I had lost control of myself..” “I have to take care..!” Then, he had taken the key from the dead man’s chest pocket, and he had opened the gates. __________________ Don't mind the small things. Optimists always win∮ Last edited by rio; 2009-03-02 at 01:56.

2009-03-07, 14:39	Link #173
Davy Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Hungary	Hey guys! Angel In the Night Under, the night time sky, far beyond the lights, Please sit down, and look at the stars. It's the magic of the nature. Can you feel? It's the song of the angel. Can you hear? She's singing about love, pain and divorce. Do you remember, that she hasn't had a choice. Can you see the tears in her eyes, When you look at the stars? Under, the night time sky, far beyond the lights, Please think of the angel in the night. It's my first english poem. So, what are you thinking?

2009-03-07, 22:53	Link #174
Nosauz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Age: 35	Here's a little something I just thought of, spoilered for length Spoiler for The cafe: His five o'clock shadow was thick, his unkempt hair greasy wreaked of sweat. He took a deep breath, and pushed the door open, the sounds of the busy cafe filled his ears. The thick aroma of Colombian coffee tickled his nostrils. Standing there at the agape door he took in all the sights and sounds, this was home. He made his way to the counter noticing the girl behind the counter had a long think pony tail tied up in a green scrunchy, her black apron clashed her red polo shirt. As she turned around his eyes met hers, she nodded and he slapped the five down on the counter. Getting his change from her soft hands reminded him of a distant feeling that was humbling. He staggered to the open seat at the counter and rested himself in the aging stool, its vinyl cover ripped from constant barrage of asses over the past 3 decades. The seat reminded him of a feeling, a feeling that he couldn't grasp, a feeling that seemed to haunt him. The girl in her black apron was now in front of him with his piping hot coffee, the steam and aroma hit his nose as he reached to take it from her hands. The porcelain handle felt familiar, it's brown stains showing its age like the vinyl seat yet the cup felt comforting. He looked up again from his mug, her name tag glistened from the neon light but after adjusting to the light, he could clearly see it, "Amanda." Those letters in that order felt right, he rolled his tongue in his mouth, perhaps to sound it out in his brain. The feel of his mouth was reminiscent of a time long past. The bustling crowd dwindled down and all he could do was watch her serve the customers. Finally when the last customer left, she turned to him and stared into his unkempt face. Her gaze did not waiver, they were locked in this trance for a whole minute, until her face cracked and she began to laugh. Amanda, her laugh resonated through his brain, seemingly dancing, almost lyrical in nature, Amanda, her sweet voice drew him into the past. He stood outside the cafe, nervously peering in, searching for something, someone. He stood there like a deer caught in the headlights, looking into the glass doors, finding nothing. He rubbed his chin, the few hairs he had stuck out and he lamented not shaving earlier. Finally mustering all his courage he pushed the door open. The thick aroma of Colombian coffee opened his nostrils, lifting him up, almost to the point where his feet were no longer on the ground. The noise of the crowd filled his ears, the grumbling of truck drivers and elderly men filled his spinning head. He slowly made his way to the shiny black counter, there she stood, the thing, the person he was searching for. He looked at her and opened his mouth. She stared blankly at him, their gaze lasted exactly a minute and at that moment her blank stare filled with light and energy she started to laugh, its sound was sweet, almost like the creek in the forest. Her laughter, Amanda's laughter, he would never forget its sound. Finally she stopped laughing, and he handed her his cup, and when she went to take the cup from his hand, he felt her smooth hands grasp his gnarled paws. Her bright eyes and laughter had faded now only to be replaced with giant tears. Her tears dripped on to his hands, the impact blasting some of the grime off his hands. Again their eyes met, it seemed like an eternity in that cafe, those two hand in hand. Time may have passed but all his memories of this place were the same as the feelings he had felt today. He stared at her and said, "I'm home."

2009-03-08, 01:00	Link #175
whitepearl Dietrich fan #681675 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: New York	Nosauz, the transition between the second and first paragraph was a little tough to decipher at first. Does the second paragraph take place after the first? It's a bit ambiguous. But I really liked the beginning; it really drew me in right away. Davy, is the angel meant to be symbolic of anything? __________________ Go Yankees. Twitter

2009-03-08, 05:12	Link #176
Nosauz Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Age: 35	eh I wrote in 10-15minutes was kinda bored wanted to toy with the concept, I guess it failed. My concept was to make the story encompass the feeling of homecoming. So the some of the cues about the memories, sensations, almost haunting the man are quickly juxtaposed. I probably should have thought it out more but I tried to recreate similarities in the two paragraphs emphaisizing the sensations, though the second paragh I guess failed to do that, but the reason why their virtually no transition is because it is the past, but not view as the past by the man, it is the first time the man goes into the cafe. Of course I probably should have story boarded but I just wanted to try out the concept, I really like the idea of homecoming, because for some reason humans like salmon like to return to their "home" per se. Though salmon are porbably at the max level of that. I'll probably visit this thread more often toss out some of ideas I have. But yea I might revisit that story once I actually come up with a better concept for it. Thanks whitepearl

2009-03-08, 06:35	Link #177
Davy Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Hungary	Whitepearl: Not really no. I don't know, why chose the angel.

2009-03-08, 17:50	Link #178
endless2010 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: New York City	So my never ending quest for a hobby continues. After recently giving up on drawing I've decided to find a new way to express my creativity. I'm considering creative writing as a possible hobby. There is one problem: I suffer from dyslexia. I can manage it, but I'm not sure how much of a problem it's going to be in creative writing. So do any of the writers her suffer from dyslexia and if so how do you deal with it? Specially when it comes to proof reading. I'm guessing that would be the #1 problem to a writer with dyslexia.

2009-03-11, 14:05	Link #180
Langknow Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: www.youtube.com/langknow	Hi, I love reading and watching fantasy anime, so I decided to write a bit about it, here's a prologue to my story. Spoiler for Rainbow Heart: Prologue: Rainbow Heart--Prologue: Shadow Old wives’ rumors say: Beware of the child. It was a meant as a joke to newly wed couples. It became a folklore curse. There is a village on the edge of the continent formally known as Zeusenous—it was believed the village was blessed by Zeus himself. It was known for its mighty ships and sailors that dared to sail the furious tides of the Warring Sea. Thanks to the ocean’s fish, its people were prosperous and rich. One day, a lonely little boy, who could not possibly be over four, was seen in the harbor. Dressed in tattered black and with skin marred by dirt, the ebony-haired child stared at all by passers with pleading sad eyes of scarlet fire. One would think he was a lost little child or a runaway from abusive parents. But the boy neither slept nor ate and said nothing when a stranger tried to talk to him. He merely stood and cried silent streams in the blazing summer heat. The stranger left, like all the others that confronted him. Some tried to move him but he was strangely heavy as a boulder. Rumors moved and two days passed. At dawn of the third day, as a sailor rose to ready his boat for the day’s fishing, the boy crept behind him and swung his shiny sword. The sailor’s wife watched in horror as her husband’s bleeding head rolled down the ships deck and into the water. The face was frozen with mirth as the rest of the body thumped the ground. The boy plunged his sword into the woman’s chest, successfully splitting her heart in half, as she screamed. The village was soon noisy with rolling heads and silenced screams as hearts or waists were sliced. Children could only glimpse at two red dots before their death approached. Mothers saw the teary cheeks and a bitter smile before peace came. Fathers were the only unfortunate ones to see the malicious wide grin and sparkling eyes the bloody boy possessed. Blood washed the streets with its bitter red glare as the militia desperately tried to kill the boy with fishing gear. It was futile and the stench of death and fear intensified like fog over the village. Some gagged over their blood-spattered loved ones and others went wild with panic. All died. Fish died as their blood polluted the sea. Nothing was spared. Their bodies and souls were devoured and crunched on by a group of dark-robed men arriving at night, their only remains was crispy black blood spread on the earth. And what of the little boy with his tiny hands and a big sword? He vanished as his last victim fell to the ground with a splat. He was seen 6 months later at another village on the other side of the continent. They died too. __________________ Check out my other Japanese song covers at: http://www.youtube.com/langknow