Think about this. Will you do whatever it takes to conduct researches in the name of science, even if it means destroying any opposition hindering your research? I suddenly had an inspiration to write such a fic and I want to make it one of my best but I need your opinions to help me improve my story. Can you guys help out as a community?
Think about this. Will you do whatever it takes to conduct researches in the name of science, even if it means destroying any opposition hindering your research?
I have to say, it sounds a lot like Jail. And not a few Mad Scientists in fiction. You need something... unique about yours to stand out from the crowd.
Location: Place of rocks and trees, and trees and rocks...and water.
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by sniperk
From what I can tell until now, Hayate is putting herself in a similar position as Regius. The greater good needs sometimes things that don't look so good.
Or you want to us to think that she resigned herself to think that way and I'm falling right into it. =]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tabasco
Barring some future revelation, it sure looks like Hayate is in 'greater good' mode from here. The fact that she seems hell bent on sending an 11 year old to the gallows for what you could make an excellent case was justifiable homicide definitely argues for it at least.
Not to mention I can't quite see her being this bent out of shape if she was planning to somehow turn the mess around at the last second.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RadiantBeam
So seems Hayate is following in Regius's footsteps, at least right now. Somehow, I have a feeling she'll pull herself out of it, though. Even for the greater good, I can't imagine Hayate willingly sacrificing an eleven-year-old girl for justice... so I have no doubt she'll find a way to get out of making a bad situation unless she can't.
Argh, I cannot comment too much on any of this! Hayate definitely has more up her sleeve than Auris suspects, but at the same time it's not looking good for poor Hayate...
Quote:
Originally Posted by DezoPenguin
I'd better not get too far behind, here!
Spoiler for meep! Wall of text!:
Damn, this one keeps getting better. I love Auris and Hayate's dance, and trying to figure out what they're up to. Everything they say has at least two meanings and, I have no doubt, there are some times where the "hidden meaning" one sees in the other's actions isn't the actual hidden meaning.
I wonder if there's some significance to Hayate's secretary.
Was the scene at Hayate's window a shout-out to the epilogue of Stahlkonigin?
It took me two readings to realize what triggered Hayate's response when Auris mentioned "the courtesy to speak to her"; it was really very clever--the whole idea of government forces sneaking in to dispose of a child and decide her fate at a distance, without any communication or sense of her identity...oh, yeah. Particularly since in the ViCia continuity, Gil Graham was himself the NSIS Director at one point. Nice one. Bonus points for the double meaning in Auris's "If we're going to do what we're doing"--not only the prosecution, but the fact that Auris is also slipping NSIS assassins into the holding area to (presumably) finish the job if the courts won't. Clever bit!
I really wonder what Auris was up to when she ran Lutecia out of the room. Lutecia still remains such a conflicted character. And there's a sidestory begging to be written to fill in the gap between "main" ViCia continuity and this story:
Vivio: I thought you retired from fieldwork, Lulu?
Lutecia: I did...but Director Gaiz convinced me that there was a need for me to return to the field. That...the alternative is for people without my scruples, and the extent of my magical abilities to control the situation so as to prevent collateral damage and unintended consequences, to be doing the work...
Loved Auris's line near the end about "higher-ups" and gray decisions. Foreshadowing, mayhap?
One thing I'm wondering about here on a larger level...Raven Gallant is on trial for murder, and of course the internal TSAB knows that Touring was an NSIS agent, but the way it's phrased here, it's presented as "on trial for the murder of NSIS Agent Keen Touring." That is, the TSAB prosecution is publicly acknowledging that Touring was a member of their covert ops section acting undercover. Which immediately opens the door (since this is a public trial and one which apparently is taking place in the press) for the defense to turn the whole thing into a referendum on how undercover Shadows break into people's homes and butcher whole families in cold blood in front of little girls' eyes. I can see the NSIS moving aggressively "behind the scenes" to insure that they get vengeance for one of their own (and beyond that, to let the other parts of the bureaucracy know that they aren't to be messed with), but given that the Shadows themselves are a group of dubious moral status at odds with the TSAB "We are heroes!" public facade that exist because the higher-ups know that pragmatic reality demands an intelligence-gathering covert arm.
(Basically, compare the flak the CIA got in the USA when the whole waterboarding thing broke, and then realize that (1) the TSAB's "public" persona is a lot fluffier than the U.S. government's, and (2) the "victims" of this incident are apparently innocent civilians murdered by a criminal gang, instead of people who are allegedly terrorist bad-guys themselves. Regardless of what happens to Raven Gallant, Auris should want not a whisper of NSIS involvement to reach the press or she may find herself the scapegoat for the government's "housecleaning" of "overzealous intelligence elements." I can see her former political allies putting on fake-pious looks and murmuring things like "I suppose the apple didn't fall far from the tree"...)
A proofreading note: The line in narration should be "interrupting the tangential debate" rather than "interrupting the tangent debate."
All in all, I'm loving this story. The ongoing duel of wits between Hayate and Auris is excellent, and the fact that so much of it is being told from Auris's POV allows us to wonder what Hayate has up her sleeve, as well...I really need to start reading faster!
Spoiler for Response to wall of text:
You nailed my favourite part about writing this! I have a lot of fun with the rampant suspicions, and having them also question themselves if they're looking too hard into something that may not have any meaning at all...what a fun mess to write!
Hayate's secretary? You'll have to read on...
Yes, it was a shout-out ^^. I loved that moment in Stahlkonigin .
Thanks for catching that! I know that in StrikerS either Hayate didn't know about Gil's plans for her, or she knew and forgave him, but I still thought that some kind of sadness or resentment had to remain from that.
I try not to over-play Lutecia, as even though this is AU from RB's ViCia series I still don't want to possibly contradict what she's set up for the character . Even so, Lutecia's such a good foil for Raven, I can't resist at times .
Ah....I'll have to look over the trial-prosecution points you brought up . I know there are holes in it, but at the moment I'm slightly handwaving the media response by the fact that Hayate and Auris had done their research on the media outlets and are feeding them certain information and laying out conflicts deliberately to hide some of the controversies . Thanks for pointing it out, I'll have to look into it once I'm done the draft .
Ouch, thanks for that...I didn't even know that was a grammar mistake!
Argh, I cannot comment too much on any of this! Hayate definitely has more up her sleeve than Auris suspects, but at the same time it's not looking good for poor Hayate...
You tease! You enjoy taunting us with little hints and vague comments, I just know it!
Quote:
Even so, Lutecia's such a good foil for Raven, I can't resist at times .
Oh, Lutecia, what has my ViCia/Shadow series made you into for the rest of the fandom whenever they try to write you now.
I have to say, it sounds a lot like Jail. And not a few Mad Scientists in fiction. You need something... unique about yours to stand out from the crowd.
I know its cliched but I'm sticking to that idea with a twist in it. Of course, if you have other better ideas, you're free to give suggestions.
What kind of twist are you planning on? Even those have cliches.
If you have an idea, I might be able to comment on it. Otherwise, I'm not thinking them up for you.
When it comes to crazy villain twists, my favorite was Shugo Chara doki doki :P Not sure if that is inspirational for your project, but it is awesome.
__________________
For those that belittle their favorite characters, complain about pairings, complain about oversexed images. Stop, thank you.
Fear Anxiety Doubt is but a fad. The life of a fad depends entirely on the willingness to support it. Difficulty is a choice. Determination is a path. Your next great idea after your destination is the true goal.
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow, in a house dropped on an ugly, old woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TerranReaper
I know its cliched but I'm sticking to that idea with a twist in it. Of course, if you have other better ideas, you're free to give suggestions.
The problem is, we don't have a clue what you plan to do with your fic. Get an idea fleshed out first, plot it out, so you know what happens every step of the way. Write a first chapter (or prologue) and people can start commenting on it. But we don't know what's going through your head right now. All you've got is a barebones idea, which isn't much to go on. All we can do is tell you if it's cliche or not.
A barebones idea is fine, as all fics start from a small thought; and it can be a bit cliche, if it's written well. "Hero fights off the baddies to rescue the damsel in distress being held by the big bad" is a cliche, but you can make a good story out of it.
Once you flesh and plot it out, you can give us a synopsis and a first chapter, and ask if anyone would like to beta read, or take a look at your outline, and make suggestions and such. Don't expect people to jump up right away, but if you focus on your writing, people will come to appreciate it.^^
So, if Vivio and Yuuno did the tango...you KNOW her friends would find out during a sleepover...
Spoiler for Sleepover!:
Well... This is awkward. I had never expected to be having this conversation, mainly because I never thought it'd happen... But here I am, staring at the prying eyes of Rio, Corona, Syn, and an amazingly curious and shocked Einhart. "Well..." I tried to begin.
"Did you...you know?" Rio made a motion with her hand. When I blushed, she squeed out and hopped in place. "And...?" she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek, which made Einahrt gasp at the rude motion, but Syn met my eyes directly. I couldn't keep the contact and when I turned away, she proclaimed that I had, in fact, done the act.
"I'm so jealous!" Corona whined out. "He's so HOT."
"And older!"
"And smart!"
"How big was he?"
"SYN!"
"Hey, I wanna know!"
I gulped and knew that I wouldn't be left alone until every single detail was pryed out of me. With a regretful sigh, I looked back at my friends weakly. "Start at the beginning," Syn interrupted me before I could speak. "I want to know everything,"
Rio joined in. "How you took off his clothes,"
"How he took off yours," Corona was grinning at me wickedly.
"All the glorious foreplay involved," Syn chimed in again.
"And where he sprayed it," Einhart finally added in as well, getting a gasp from me and cheering from my friends.
"Well..." I started nervously. "He was wearing..."
~**~
Yuuno looked at my friends with a skeptical eye when they all grinned at him. He slowly turned to me and I looked away, unable to speak. Syn, my best friend in the world, couldn't hold it in anymore, though. "Oh we know," she stated with a happy tone. "We know eeeeverything."
So, if Vivio and Yuuno did the tango...you KNOW her friends would find out during a sleepover...
Spoiler for Sleepover!:
Well... This is awkward. I had never expected to be having this conversation, mainly because I never thought it'd happen... But here I am, staring at the prying eyes of Rio, Corona, Syn, and an amazingly curious and shocked Einhart. "Well..." I tried to begin.
"Did you...you know?" Rio made a motion with her hand. When I blushed, she squeed out and hopped in place. "And...?" she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek, which made Einahrt gasp at the rude motion, but Syn met my eyes directly. I couldn't keep the contact and when I turned away, she proclaimed that I had, in fact, done the act.
"I'm so jealous!" Corona whined out. "He's so HOT."
"And older!"
"And smart!"
"How big was he?"
"SYN!"
"Hey, I wanna know!"
I gulped and knew that I wouldn't be left alone until every single detail was pryed out of me. With a regretful sigh, I looked back at my friends weakly. "Start at the beginning," Syn interrupted me before I could speak. "I want to know everything,"
Rio joined in. "How you took off his clothes,"
"How he took off yours," Corona was grinning at me wickedly.
"All the glorious foreplay involved," Syn chimed in again.
"And where he sprayed it," Einhart finally added in as well, getting a gasp from me and cheering from my friends.
"Well..." I started nervously. "He was wearing..."
~**~
Yuuno looked at my friends with a skeptical eye when they all grinned at him. He slowly turned to me and I looked away, unable to speak. Syn, my best friend in the world, couldn't hold it in anymore, though. "Oh we know," she stated with a happy tone. "We know eeeeverything."
So, if Vivio and Yuuno did the tango...you KNOW her friends would find out during a sleepover...
Spoiler for Sleepover!:
Well... This is awkward. I had never expected to be having this conversation, mainly because I never thought it'd happen... But here I am, staring at the prying eyes of Rio, Corona, Syn, and an amazingly curious and shocked Einhart. "Well..." I tried to begin.
"Did you...you know?" Rio made a motion with her hand. When I blushed, she squeed out and hopped in place. "And...?" she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek, which made Einahrt gasp at the rude motion, but Syn met my eyes directly. I couldn't keep the contact and when I turned away, she proclaimed that I had, in fact, done the act.
"I'm so jealous!" Corona whined out. "He's so HOT."
"And older!"
"And smart!"
"How big was he?"
"SYN!"
"Hey, I wanna know!"
I gulped and knew that I wouldn't be left alone until every single detail was pryed out of me. With a regretful sigh, I looked back at my friends weakly. "Start at the beginning," Syn interrupted me before I could speak. "I want to know everything,"
Rio joined in. "How you took off his clothes,"
"How he took off yours," Corona was grinning at me wickedly.
"All the glorious foreplay involved," Syn chimed in again.
"And where he sprayed it," Einhart finally added in as well, getting a gasp from me and cheering from my friends.
"Well..." I started nervously. "He was wearing..."
~**~
Yuuno looked at my friends with a skeptical eye when they all grinned at him. He slowly turned to me and I looked away, unable to speak. Syn, my best friend in the world, couldn't hold it in anymore, though. "Oh we know," she stated with a happy tone. "We know eeeeverything."
Haha! I'm more amused by how withdrawn little Einhart is the one who asked the boldest question of all.
So, if Vivio and Yuuno did the tango...you KNOW her friends would find out during a sleepover...
Spoiler for Sleepover!:
Well... This is awkward. I had never expected to be having this conversation, mainly because I never thought it'd happen... But here I am, staring at the prying eyes of Rio, Corona, Syn, and an amazingly curious and shocked Einhart. "Well..." I tried to begin.
"Did you...you know?" Rio made a motion with her hand. When I blushed, she squeed out and hopped in place. "And...?" she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek, which made Einahrt gasp at the rude motion, but Syn met my eyes directly. I couldn't keep the contact and when I turned away, she proclaimed that I had, in fact, done the act.
"I'm so jealous!" Corona whined out. "He's so HOT."
"And older!"
"And smart!"
"How big was he?"
"SYN!"
"Hey, I wanna know!"
I gulped and knew that I wouldn't be left alone until every single detail was pryed out of me. With a regretful sigh, I looked back at my friends weakly. "Start at the beginning," Syn interrupted me before I could speak. "I want to know everything,"
Rio joined in. "How you took off his clothes,"
"How he took off yours," Corona was grinning at me wickedly.
"All the glorious foreplay involved," Syn chimed in again.
"And where he sprayed it," Einhart finally added in as well, getting a gasp from me and cheering from my friends.
"Well..." I started nervously. "He was wearing..."
~**~
Yuuno looked at my friends with a skeptical eye when they all grinned at him. He slowly turned to me and I looked away, unable to speak. Syn, my best friend in the world, couldn't hold it in anymore, though. "Oh we know," she stated with a happy tone. "We know eeeeverything."
...LOL!!!! Go Einhart. Syn...*high-fives*
__________________
Life is a waste of time, Time is a waste of life, Get wasted all the time, And have the time of your life ^.^
The problem is, we don't have a clue what you plan to do with your fic. Get an idea fleshed out first, plot it out, so you know what happens every step of the way. Write a first chapter (or prologue) and people can start commenting on it. But we don't know what's going through your head right now. All you've got is a barebones idea, which isn't much to go on. All we can do is tell you if it's cliche or not.
A barebones idea is fine, as all fics start from a small thought; and it can be a bit cliche, if it's written well. "Hero fights off the baddies to rescue the damsel in distress being held by the big bad" is a cliche, but you can make a good story out of it.
Once you flesh and plot it out, you can give us a synopsis and a first chapter, and ask if anyone would like to beta read, or take a look at your outline, and make suggestions and such. Don't expect people to jump up right away, but if you focus on your writing, people will come to appreciate it.^^
I see that you guys are willing to help so I have this first chapter posted so you can comment and give suggestions. But listen closely, this is but a prototype so don't go around criticizing me because I have no intention of posting the real thing yet. I accept suggestions because I feel that it may be a bit flawed and some characters are OOC. I love teamwork and nowadays when I write fiction, I don't work alone; I choose to have it proofread and cleaned by someone else before posting. :-)
That said, here's the first chapter.
Spoiler for First chapter: prototype:
Crisis: Project Stardust
Chapter 1
Cloning was banned in TSAB-administered worlds but there were still those who practiced them in secret. They were rooted out and prosecuted and slowly, the number of illegal cloning activities decreased. However, one could never quench the thirst of men’s desire for enlightenment and being God. So instead of cloning, they opted for researches in genetic research, cybernetic studies and biotechnology advancements.
Sounds legal and good but even the seemingly legal activities could be bent by the minds and hands of people who strive to poke their noses into taboo subjects. They used these legal fields of research as cover for their secret unethical researches. Inspired by some of the successes in Project F, many scientists used some of the methods used in Project F to create twisted living things that defy the very nature of normal life form. Multiple diabolic projects and tip-offs reached TSAB ears and immediately, they went into action. Researchers and scientists were interrogated and many written notes were confiscated. Like a cancer metastasizing, the wave of illegal researches never stopped; it just kept on increasing.
This led to a full-scale investigation in multiple worlds. In the process, millions of notes were confiscated and test subjects related their harrowing experience in test chambers with great detail to investigators. The mass prosecution of scientists on many worlds led to a conspiracy theory that the respective governments of different worlds were purposely helping the scientists and encouraging them to do what seemed illegal for personal gains and recognition. It was a plausible explanation but they vehemently denied any involvement in the projects. With no explanation to explain why many scientists were doing illegal researches at a large scale, the TSAB decided that it was only a coincidence.
With the imprisonment of more than one hundred scientists-some were even renowned-it was the topic of many mouths and languages. Why did the scientists do something illegal, what was their motive, was there a mastermind behind this? Everyone wanted answers and that was something that the TSAB could not provide. Every effort led to a dead end and the interrogation of scientists did not offer many clues. While it did pique everyone’s curiosity, it wasn’t enough to raise an alarm because nobody saw this worrying incident as a threat to security.
Few months passed with questions unanswered. Those proven not guilty by the TSAB Court were released while others remained detained. Since there was insufficient evidence to convict those that were detained, the public began to question the motives of the TSAB. Everyone was pointing fingers at each other and some TSAB personals went as far as to blame the scientific community for turning a blind eye on the matter. Dr. Einhaust Ford, a well-known genetics and cybertronic researcher working for BioTech Research Industries as well as an outspoken anti-cloning activist, demanded that the TSAB kept on investigating into the matter for if they could not solve the case, many other scientists may become bold again and start cloning illegally again.
His words were heeded at first but after two months of fruitless investigation, TSAB investigators concluded that it was pointless to continue. Feeling that the mass illegal research incident was no threat to security, they closed the case and it was forgotten over the years. It was an outrage for the public and a number of government officials but the rest remained quiet. Even after five years, many still wanted the TSAB to look into the case they closed. No one listened and dissatisfaction grew. However, a few within the TSAB did their own investigations. They interviewed detained researchers as well as those who were alleged to have ties with the illegal projects but were not in jail.
Again, they had no leads. All of them said that it was purely out of interest and in the name of science. It was too much of a coincidence and the maverick investigators did not buy their reasons. Investigations continued and no one got any conclusive or convincing answers.
On December 26th 0085, the TSAB received word of a government coup d'état happening at Jericho, also known as Administered Planet 45. The reason for this coup was a total mystery to not only the TSAB but to everyone else in the entire colony as well. Again, questions were raised on how the rebels acquired projectile weapons and battle tanks since the TSAB banned physical weapons. This sowed even more doubts towards the TSAB and with the planet lost to rebels, the TSAB had no choice but to mobilize its forces to Jericho to assist in peacekeeping missions.
The TSAB was still shorthanded and with many of its personals being diverted to Jericho to suppress the rebellion, it seemed like many TSAB-administered worlds were vulnerable but the TSAB was convinced that no full-scale rebellions and wars will occur. The rebellion at Jericho was only an isolated case and would be dealt with quickly…or so the Board of Directors says. However, inter-dimensional security has tightened in light of the armed rebellion and the TSAB intended on pinching off the supply flow from other worlds to the rebels. It made them wonder if other non-administered worlds were the ‘black markets’ for weapons procurement since they were not governed by TSAB rules.
The rebellion was a short-lived one but it was not because the rebels surrendered due to the lack of supplies or manpower. They were self-sustaining and they somehow possess the knowledge to produce ammunitions and weapons of their own. Not only that, their numbers was large. It was puzzling and the TSAB have not the slightest clue on anything their doing. Some think that the rebellion was linked to the rise in illegal research activities but with no solid evidence of that, it was nothing more than two separate cases of a large group of criminals going wild.
Dr. Einhaust Ford, meanwhile, continued to call for the reinvestigation of the mass illegal research cases. His pleas were rejected and the TSAB Board of Directors did not even attempt to entertain his calls for reinvestigation. Their hands were full at the moment because they were still not done with the Jericho Rebellion Incident.
Following the Jericho Rebellion Incident, the TSAB decided to withdraw its peacekeeping forces from Jericho when situations were stable. With renewed calls for an investigation regarding the mass illegal research, the TSAB had Fate helm the investigation.
***
“Nanoha-mama, look at my scores!” Vivio cried out happily when she reached home.
Nanoha, the Ace Aces, was on an official leave after serving more than seven months in Jericho, training recruits there and keeping the peace at the same time. It was hard for her physically and was hospitalized a few times. Still, she managed to smile on every occasion. Nanoha was at the kitchen when she heard her daughter calling out to her. Turning her head around, she saw Vivio holding a report card in her hand.
“Let me guess, you got fifth in your class?” Nanoha asked.
“No!” Vivio said with puffed up cheeks. “I’m not that stupid!”
“I was only joking.” Nanoha smiled. “I got your results earlier on and I must say that I’m impressed with your results.”
“I promised to beat Rio but I can’t. I guess I’ll be treating her to lunch tomorrow,” Vivio said.
“Why don’t you invite your friends over for lunch today? I have extra portions of pork roast and you won’t have to spend money on treating Rio for lunch,” Nanoha suggested.
“Ah, that’s a great idea!” Vivio replied happily.
Before Vivio could reach the phone to call Rio and Corona, there was a knock on the front door. Vivio opened it and noticed Yuuno standing there with a present in his hand.
“Hi there, Vivio, is your mama at home?” he asked.
“Oh, you came,” Nanoha said before Vivio could answer. “Please come in.”
Yuuno took off his shoes before entering the house. Nanoha looked at the present inquisitively and gave him a sly smile.
“What do you have in mind, Yuuno?” she asked.
“Well, it is your birthday so I thought I’d buy you a present,” Yuuno said with a slight blush.
“Ah, so you remembered after all. I thought that you’ve forgotten about it with all that heavy workload at the Infinite Library,” Nanoha remarked.
“I have been your friend since we were nine and I never missed your birthday.”
“That’s not true, ferret boy. For the past five birthdays, you missed them even after I reminded you about it.”
“Heh…it was the workload. Look, I’ll make it up to you today. I bought you something that you’ll definitely like.”
Nanoha looked at the present and gave Yuuno the we’ll-see-about-that look. She opened the present and fished out a diamond ring.
“You bought me a diamond ring?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“It’s the least I could give you. Don’t get the wrong idea, Nanoha. I’m not asking for your hand!” Yuuno said hastily.
“Silly Yuuno, I know that you’re not asking for my hand but it’s sweet of you to buy something so expensive for me,” Nanoha said and gave him a hug.
“Yeah…about the price…”
“Wait…you’re telling me that this is a counterfeit?” Nanoha asked with narrow eyes.
She let go of Yuuno and looked at the diamond on the ring. It certainly looked like plastic and the golden ring was nothing more than a copper ring coated with gold foil. (I meant to make Yuuno look silly here)
“I get it, you’re too cheap to buy me a real one,” Nanoha said with a smile.
“I was in a hurry so I thought I’d buy you a ring from a roadside stall. I admit that it was cheap of me but I’m being sincere, Nanoha. Sorry about that,” Yuuno said apologetically.
For a second, he thought that Nanoha would unleash a Starlight Breaker on him. Instead, she gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled at him.
“That’s all I needed to hear, Yuuno. Thank you,” she said.
“You’re not going to kill me then?” Yuuno asked with uncertainty.
“Well, we can make an exception if you insist on doing it,” Nanoha said while holding Raging Heart.
After she went into the kitchen, Vivio said, “Don’t worry, she’s like that sometimes and she’s only joking.”
“I hope you’re right,” Yuuno murmured.
While having their lunch, Yuuno decided to bring up the topic of Fate’s investigation of the mass illegal research incident.
“Do you think Fate and her team will find anything?” Yuuno asked and ate a spoonful of rice. “I mean, that incident occurred some time ago and no one has found any conclusive evidence.”
Nanoha closed her eyes and nodded. “True but Einhaust Ford is really one stubborn bugger. He insisted on continuing the investigation for it may ‘morph into a new Jail Scaglietti Incident’,” Nanoha said. “I think this is highly implausible because I’ve read the profiles of those scientists and researchers that were detained. They have experience in their field of study and none of them have more than one field of expertise. You don’t see a genetics researcher excelling in the field of cybernatics. My point is that if it were to be a Jail Scaglietti Incident, one must be as good as Jail Scaglietti. From what I can see, Scaglietti is definitely skilled in the field of genetics and biotechnology.”
“How can you be sure that their profiles are correct?” Yuuno asked while finishing up his meal.
“The TSAB got their records from their employers. The investigators double-checked them with their academic records as well as registry from the local governments. Can’t be too careful you know,” Nanoha answered.
“True.” Yuuno sniffed. “I’m still worried about forgery though.”
“I was worried too but when I asked the investigators about it, they say they have a way of detecting forged documents. It has something to do with ultraviolet light and papers that only the local governments have. Whatever it is, the TSAB Board of Directors agreed that in order to prevent forgery of important government-issued documents, they have to use a piece of paper that can be confirmed as a real document under ultraviolet light. How they do it, that I don’t know.”
“Do they have the same methods on Earth?”
“As far as I know, they use this method to detect counterfeit bank notes.”
“So what about your experience on Jericho? How was it?”
“It was, by far, the worst experience I ever had. Though the rebels were weak, they were large in numbers and you’ll never get a peaceful day. My job was to train new recruits there while helping out in peacekeeping missions and I only received less than seven hours of resting time a day. Sometimes, rebels would come out of nowhere and assault our encampments.”
“I know it’s pretty bad. It’s the talk of the century and every news station from every planet went to Jericho to do a cover story. The TSAB isn’t an imperialist organization and people seem happy to have them around. I wonder why the citizens of Jericho wanted to rebel.”
Nanoha nodded her head.
“I wanted to know too but the reason, the only reason, the rebels gave for the rebellion was that they were not satisfied with the government,” Nanoha said while tapping a finger on the table.
“Jericho has a rather inept government and I’m not surprised if the people are unsatisfied but I want to know where they acquired those projectile weapons. I mean, inter-dimensional security has been tight and any illegal arms shipment should’ve been detected,” Yuuno remarked.
“Yes but according to the quartermaster, no inbound ships to Jericho or any other planet were carrying firearms or attack vehicles. Every ship was searched thoroughly but nothing came up,” Nanoha explained.
“Then how the hell did the rebels get their hands on firearms and tanks?”
“We suspected that they got their hands on weapon blueprints from planets that are not under TSAB control. It is the only possible explanation. Nobody will suspect a piece of rolled up paper to be a weapon blueprint for I doubt the security guards at the checkpoints will waste their time looking through thousands of documents.”
“They seem to have the resources to manufacture firearms and tanks and the rebels were pretty self-sustaining as far as I’m concerned but they surrendered five months after they started the rebellion. Any reason to that?”
“I’m no interrogator but my friend is. He tried obtaining some answers from several rebels but none of them were willing to talk. They were absolutely quiet and we tried the ‘good cop bad cop’ way of interrogation but again they refuse to
utter a single word regarding their quick surrender.”
“So in other words, you guys have no idea what’s going on.”
“You can say that.”
Yuuno laid down his fork and spoon on his empty plate and stood up. “Thank you for the lunch, Nanoha, but I have work to do. I hope you have a nice holiday,” he said with a smile.
“I’m sure I will,” Nanoha replied and returned a smile.
At the same time Yuuno left, Rio and Corona arrived with Einheart. While Vivio and her friends ate lunch together, Nanoha was in the kitchen, washing the dishes and reminiscing the events that happened on Jericho.
Meanwhile at the TSAB barracks, Private Lumina Belensky was standing in attention as her drill instructor, Nove Nakajima, briefed them about their training session.
“I assume that all of you here are new to this, right? Well, I’m not supposed to be an official trainer and my attack style is far different than yours but since your trainer is on an official leave, I was instructed by her to lead the training session,” Nove said.
“What happened to her?” a trainee asked.
“She’s been working for quite a long time on Jericho and as you know that since we’re shorthanded, the peacekeeping mission required some help and Captain Nanoha got dragged into it even though she’s just a trainer. She’s been granted official leave after the TSAB peacekeeping forces have pulled out Jericho when situations have been stabilized,” Nove explained.
“Oh.”
“Any other questions?”
Lumina raised her hand. “Yes, Private Lumina?”
“Um, don’t mind me asking, ma’am, but is this Captain Nanoha from Earth as well?” she asked.
Nove looked at the blonde-haired girl and nodded. “I guess you figured that out due to her name huh. Personals from your world are rare because the TSAB does not make contacts with non-administered worlds. Speaking of that, how did you get employed?”
“Well, there was a teeny incident that occurred on Earth where I was given powers to fight of an alien thingy by an old man named Gil Graham. He said that I was a natural and offered me a job at some foreign peacekeeping organization. It all happened in Japan when my whole family was on a trip.”
“What the hell…this is kidnapping and conscription,” Nove said with widened eyes.
“I wouldn’t call it conscription, ma’am. I was willing and besides, I never loved my family. They’ve never shown me love and my father is always treating me harshly. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t miss me,” Lumina muttered angrily.
“It’s impossible that your father doesn’t love you, Lumina. Maybe he has his way of showing you love,” Nove said. Much like Nanoha having her way of befriending others by smoking their asses, Nove thought. “Also, this method of getting more personals is definitely against my moral beliefs.”
“Please, ma’am, let me be a mage. I have potential and I can become a peacekeeper. I want to be.”
Nova sighed and nodded her head. “Very well, since you’re already here and already an approved and legal trainee, I may as well do all I can to teach you all until your drill instructor has finished her break.”
She transformed before their very eyes and cracked her knuckles with anticipation and a grin appeared on her face.
“Well, there’s no time to waste. Let’s get started.”
While they were practicing team coordination (Nove had left them in a forested area with pieces of a map given to each of them), Lumina was approached by a boy about her age.
“Hey there,” he started.
“Hello,” she replied.
“My name is Dennis Craig from the planet Nerubia. I’ve heard about Earth and its people but never had the chance to meet someone from there in person. I must say, your father sure sounds like one tough guy,” the boy, Dennis, said enthusiastically.
However, Lumina was less than enthusiastic when she heard him mention about her father. “What do you expect? He’s a captain of the U.S Delta Force and he uses the very same methods to train his trainees on us. It is as if we’re his soldiers. Can you imagine the pushups and sit-ups my brother and I needed to do whenever we did something wrong? The worst thing he asked me to do was to run one hundred and fifty kilometers up and down the country road with him running alongside me, keeping an eye on me. Who would punish their daughters that way when I was only late for fifteen minutes after my curfew time?!”
“Well, I admit that it is kinda cruel but know that your father loves you. He only wants the best from you and deep down in his heart, he cares for you,” Dennis said.
“Yeah, that’s exactly what everyone tells me, Mr. Your-Father-Loves-You,” Lumina muttered.
Dennis wanted to say something when someone interrupted them. “Oi, stop flirting over there and give us your map pieces! We need to get out of this forest before dusk or we’ll have no dinner!” a trainee called out.
Nove waited at the entrance to the forest with a can of soda in her hand. She took a big gulp and crushed the empty can with her right hand.
“They’re conscripting personals like that and no matter what they say, it is still conscription. How can the TSAB approve of such an act? It’s a crime,” Nove thought.
She looked at her watch. It was three minutes past four and the trainees had two more hours to find their way out or go to bed with a bottle of water. She opened a communication channel to all the trainees to warn them about the time they have left.
“Two more hours, trainees. Get you butts out of there or you’ll be having warm water for dinner tonight. You don’t really want to miss the weekly Chocolate Fudge Special,” Nove said with a grin.
“Aw c’mon ma’am, you’re being too harsh on us. These map pieces you gave us have many copies!” a trainee complained.
“If you want that freaking chocolate fudge, stop complaining and piece this damn map together!” another trainee yelled at the background.
The line went static and Nove can’t help but gave a chuckle. “The best thing about being a trainer is that you can think of ways to make your trainees suffer,” she said to no one in particular.
Her communicator sounded and she picked it up and said hello.
“How’s the training?” Nanoha’s voice came from the other end. “I hope you’ve been treating them well.”
“Oh, I’m treating them well,” Nove answered with a smirk. “When I’m done with them, they’ll thank me for training their sense of direction instead of taking the easy way out by attempting to fly.”
“I don’t think they have received their devices yet.”
“Don’t be so sure, Nanoha. Custom-made devices are allowed but I had them confiscated. I’m not gonna let them off easy.”
“Wow, you sound like CPO Mendez,” Nanoha joked. “Just don’t try anything beyond sonic grenades and tranquilizer darts, okay?”
“Don’t worry, I won’t go that far.” Nove said and shut her communicator.
Fortunately, the trainees got out at the last minute and they were greeted by a smile from Nove. She nodded her head in satisfaction and clapped her hands.
“Not bad at all, team. However, you could’ve done better. Alright, I guess we can call it a day for now. Get yourselves cleaned and meet me at the mess hall in one hour,” said the cyborg.
“Does that mean we get to have our chocolate fudge?” a fat trainee asked enthusiastically.
Another trainee, presumably his friend, hit him in the head.
“As promised, you all will get your desserts but this is the only time I’ll be giving you such a reward so savor every moment of it. Remember, I’m only a temporary trainer and your official trainer is ten times more stricter and powerful than I am,” Nove said.
She saw the worried looks on their faces and gave them a grin. “Don’t worry, she’s quite kind too.”
Finally, my first fic! Please R&R as I might write more in the future.
Spoiler for Fate:
Do we really can choose who we want to be, and what we want to do in our life? Well, perhaps everything is fated. I am sitting down in a café waiting for the young girl. The coffee that they serve here is the best in town, and that is what I need for me to loosen myself up. She came to my table and placed the cup of coffee in front of me.
She sat in front of me and asked,
“Will she be alright?”
I nodded my head as a response to her question. The young girl who is sitting in front of me is her first friend. Started as enemy, their rivalry turned into friendship and their meeting is fated to end up like this.
I walked out of the café heading back to my headquarters to meet with this girl that raise my question on fate. She once has an older sister who died at a young age, victim to an accident. Her mother, unable to bear the loss, went into depression before giving birth to her. She was raised as a replacement for her sister, but her mother does not look at her the same way she looked at her older sister. She studied hard and proved herself to meet her mother’s expectation, creating a child prodigy that is looked up to by many except her own mother. Her mother lost her mind, and involved in witchcraft in order to resurrect her older sister. The young girl become involved in her mother’s bidding in order to make her proud of what she could achieve. However, every time she did her bidding; she is chained and whipped for not doing her job well enough. She never shed a single tear and never said stop for the pain she received. Is this her choice or is this her fate? To be born as an imperfect replacement, and did not receive any love nor any touch from the person she loved the most.
I arrested her after we raided her mother’s fortress. Her mother said that she never loved her in front of everyone before she jumped off the building together with the body of her older sister. They perished, and their bodies were never found. In our custody she hardly said a word about the crimes that she committed, and admitted that she is guilty for all the things she did. I myself believed that she have no choice for what she did. Her eyes are filled with sadness and loneliness. A soft and gentle girl, whoever that look at her will fall in love with her at first sight. I spoke with her alone and I asked her did she want to cry? Tears start to roll down from the corner of her eyes and she cried. All I did was to borrow my shoulder.
I am now standing inform of her cell where she is waiting for her trial. She is sitting there with her pet dog, her only companion that she has. Dressed in a black dress, the blonde girl tied her long hair into two ponytails with the ribbon her friend gave to her. I opened the cell door and said,
“Fate, the time has come.” She looks up at me and smiled. Filled with hope that she will be safe, I think maybe it is my fate to meet and change my life forever.
Next up: MGLN+Warmachine, where steam is the cream lol
I see that you guys are willing to help so I have this first chapter posted so you can comment and give suggestions. But listen closely, this is but a prototype so don't go around criticizing me because I have no intention of posting the real thing yet. I accept suggestions because I feel that it may be a bit flawed and some characters are OOC. I love teamwork and nowadays when I write fiction, I don't work alone; I choose to have it proofread and cleaned by someone else before posting. :-)
That said, here's the first chapter.
Spoiler for First chapter: prototype:
--snip--
First of all, I'd like to commend you for actually posting something - unlike a particular person from a few months ago, you're more than willing to offer something and see what the others have to say in terms of areas of improvement and the like.
I can't exactly offer any suggestions as to how to improve it, mainly because I'm more of a crack!author and, at the very most, a really casual fan of anime in general. That said, I'll just give a couple of general comments.
The last time I checked, Gil Graham retired to England after the Book of Darkness incident and, apart from the occasional financial support towards Hayate, did not have anything to do with the TSAB after said incident.
As for Nove, she does seem to be a bit OOC. While she definitely did open up a lot during "Vivid", given her attitude in StrikerS, I would have expected her to have more of a drill instructor attitude while training a large class. Perhaps it's just me who's thinking this, though.
The beginning was a bit of an information-dump. It might be better if you were to trim it down to the main points, and reveal the details in future chapters. That said, I did find the premise of false perception to be interesting - we make decisions based on bounded rationality, which is a result of either limited data or preconceived notions.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a rough draft of an Organisational Behavior essay to finish so that I can get it proofed on Monday before tidying it up and submitting it on the 19th...
That's all I have to say for now - Jimmy C and Dezo are much better at reviewing stories than I am, so do pay attention to what they have to say. All the best in your writing endeavors.
[EDIT]
Page claim for being rational while making decisions!
2010-03-12, 07:51
Hayate definitely has more up her sleeve than Auris suspects, but at the same time it's not looking good for poor Hayate...
Author
For those that belittle their favorite characters, complain about pairings, complain about oversexed images. Stop, thank you.
