2012-07-01, 14:43 | Link #10461 | |||
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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It's really too bad that living together as an unmarried couple is still viewed as being a bit scandalous. I think it's the ultimate test of the relationship. When you live together, the relationship is no longer a convenience or activity that you do on occasion. It is 24/7, and you are exposed to every aspect of the person. You discover things about the person that you might not have realized previously, and you get a sense of how compatible you really are. Of course, it's not that living together forces you to be joined at the hip. Sure, if you live in a box then you're forced to get more face time, but there's no absolute obligation to do things together. Case in point, my wife and I love to be around each other, and we've lived in tiny apartments: we have two L-shaped desks that are joined together, but even though we're in close proximity, we'll do our own things. Obviously that means I need to use headphones if I want to listen to music that she doesn't like, or if she's studying, but it's not a huge issue. And if you're not living in a box, all the better! Take one room as your den or study (what ever they call it in Singapore), and use that as your own personal space. Just don't spend all of your time there, lest your wife-to-be feel neglected The only way to really get over this one is to see what it's like to live together. You don't even need to change your current living arrangement. Pack a suitcase, and live at her place for a week. Then switch, and have her live at your place. Cycle like that for a month or more. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, but the point will be to see how you feel about being around her all of the time like that. Unless you were planning on having a mansion and having separate bedrooms, you're going to be doing that anyway, so why not try it out? Think of it as the final compatibility test to take before making the big commitment. Quote:
As to "being an adult" - what parent has their first child and feels like they're a true adult, and ready to be a parent? Even if people were expecting and wanting a child, I'm sure most have thought to themselves "how the heck am I going to do this, I still feel like a kid, myself." Consider how old your parents were when they had you: were they really that much older than you are now? And things weren't so different back then, either. Since I'm childless at the moment I'm obviously speculating, but I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where you rise to the occasion. Quote:
I'm not trying to discredit your feelings and desire to feel worthy, but consider what you're trying to accomplish. You're holding up the advancement of your relationship with the woman you plan to merge your life with over money. Is it worth it? My line of reasoning with this stems from countless people who, on their death bed, would remark 'you know, looking back on it, I put the most time into my career and trying to make money, but that wasn't important. What was important was my family and friends. I wish I'd put more time and focus into that.' What you're trying to do is a little different, but I just wonder if you'd look back on this time, 20 years from now, and think to yourself, "that was silly. Why did I wait?" (Hopefully you'd think that, and not "why didn't I wait longer" ) Don't downplay your own feelings and values, of course, but take a hard look at whether it's something that really matters enough to delay over. If it really does matter to you, then don't bother with what I or anyone else thinks: prove to yourself that you're not a bum first, if that's what you need to do.
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2012-07-01, 14:54 | Link #10462 |
Emperor of the Expected
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Florida
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All these questions are better solved with your partner Ascaloth. If you are nervous, best not to keep it in after the wedding otherwise you are literally sitting on a time bomb. Talking to each other and understanding the views of your partner is important for relationships. Although I think many will disagree with me, go visit a couple Councillor or as many would call it a "Shrink". Best to lay out all your doubts on the table, not for yourself but for your partner, she may have some doubts too. May take some time and a little bit of a hit to your pride, in the end results it is worth it.
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2012-07-01, 16:42 | Link #10463 | |
He Without a Title
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The land of tempura
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Don't get me wrong: I'm not one of those people that believes that "shrinks" are just quacks or anything like that but more that I believe that going to one is overkill for the case in point. Ascaloth I can see exactly what's going through your mind: you feel like a kid (like most of us do) and you don't believe yourself to be ready to "become an adult" and I can understand that. I'm currently on my last year of college and have only 3 exams left before I graduate and it's already scaring the bejesus out of me just thinking how the hell am I going to get work on this damned economy and I don't have a relationship to worry about even. I can however see that Ledgem has a very good point: you should talk this things out with your girlfriend and allow her to help you with this. All your doubts seem perfectly natural so just talk it out and maybe take up the advice of spending a couple of weeks/months living together at your parents place just to get the feel of it. As for the children situation I won't comment since I don't know the details and I myself tend to get my own relationships torn apart when the subject comes up since I'm not really interested in having them (and most girls I've been with have been of the opposing opinion on that matter which, as has been mentioned before, is a very vital subject to many people).
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2012-07-01, 22:40 | Link #10464 | |
The Most Hated™
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum
Age: 36
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Spoiler for click to see the rest....(page would be too long, if no spoiler-tag here):
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Thank you very much for the advice. The problem is now clear to me now that i got it in my face. I'm shy because I'm afraid of rejection, and tend to be passive because of this that is why i did not advance further when i met up with girls, I like your challenge and i will take it up, starting today i will make the eye-contacts and the smiles, i will go up to talk to girls, and not put my "heart" in it, so i can brush it off as nothing, if i get rejected. I will also try to block out my though-processes, because I'm a fast thinker and by the time i walk to the girl i have already had simulated 100k of failed scenarios and that gives me no confidence at all. I will try the usual "be cool, nothing bad is gonna happen" , heck i might even lay her :P these were some pro advice, i will keep you updated on the process, and if needed i will ask for some suggestions. <<confidence booster activated>> <<activating bad-ass mode>> Hope that i won't get an epic fail now Thanks again
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2012-07-01, 23:15 | Link #10465 |
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
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I think I have met a real life tsundere, here is the story..
There is a new girl at my second job (me= chef she= waitress), she seem really nice to everyone else but me. She always gives me this dirty look when I ask for anything and will hardly talk to me. I have done nothing to deserve such treatment and I am the only one she acts like this towards. I have been nothing but nice to her and never done anything that could upset her in anyway.. I think she much like me because I am the only one that she acts like this towards and I am also not the only one that notices it.. thoughts?
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2012-07-02, 02:28 | Link #10466 | |||
I don't give a damn, dude
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 38
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Actually, my worries are more about making our place a 'home', if you get my meaning. It's not just acquiring a place, but it's also about the work needed to make it 'home' such as getting the money for the furniture, moving stuff, handling the bills, housework etc. And then there's the fact that, because she's a foreigner, the process to get us officially registered as a married couple is going to be quite a bit more complicated than if I were to marry a local girl (while I'm at it, thanks to SaintessHeart for the assistance he has rendered ). Who knows what other legal matters are going to crop up in the future too; there's a reason why Singapore is called a Little Red Dot, and that's because the dot is covered all over with red tape. You know, adult stuff. And not the enjoyable kind. Quote:
To be concise, the autism spectrum runs in my blood. I realise that any genetic links to the condition are inconclusive at best, but if I look just at my personal family history alone, I'm inclined to think there's some truth to the matter at the very least. She is well aware of the matter, and she has indicated she'll stay with me regardless of that. Still, I'm not comfortable with the possibility that there's a chance she'll have to suffer what my mother has. Frankly, if not for this, the fact that my country is a shitty place to raise a kid these days, and my personal (and probably childish) indisposition towards having to deal with potential brattiness (and if a child of my girl breeds true, he/she will be a brat alright lol ), I honestly would not mind. As it is though, I can't help feeling the cards are stacked against me. :/ Quote:
Yeah, she doesn't care that she earns more than I do; I think part of it is because she comes from such a background herself. I don't believe that's really going to change in the future either, since she is a more capable person than I am in general. Even so, I guess what I'm really aiming to do is to prove to myself that I'm ready to take on the responsibilities; I need to know I can pull my weight in the household, and it really doesn't matter to me how as long as I can do it. It's part of why I asked you guys to psych me up, too. |
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2012-07-03, 07:05 | Link #10467 | |||
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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1) With regard to the home situation, you're not necessarily finding a place to live for life. My wife and I found the cheapest apartment we could live in (apartments, really - we've already moved three times since getting married), and we bought all of our stuff second-hand (realistically it was probably tenth-hand, if not more used than that). Saved a ton of money in the process. The point is, it's OK to take it slowly and start out with poor stuff. Aside from being normal, it's a nice shared experience, and it will make you appreciate the nicer things that you gain as you advance through life. Quote:
That isn't to say that you need to pop those children out this instant, of course. Do it when you're ready. But you don't have forever to wait. Brattiness in a child... to a degree it's inherent, but to a degree it's also learned. If that sort of thing worries you, talk with your girlfriend about it. Discuss parenting strategies that you could both take. Ultimately you're raising the child together as a team, after all: don't feel like you're in this alone. As to Singapore being a bad place to raise a child, can you tell me a good place to raise a child in these times? And yes, limit yourself to planet Earth, let's not get too creative Quote:
It's good to admire your other half, but don't do it to the point of feeling like you contribute nothing. It's very easy to downplay your own contributions. Perhaps you've been doing that for a while now; it may explain you want to prove your own worth/contributions through salary. Remember, your girlfriend is with you because she sees something in you. You are not just some sperm donor to her. Your worth in the relationship is not based on how much money you bring into it, but rather in the fact that the relationship exists only because of who you are (and who she is). It's been two years, you said; by now you surely know that a good relationship might feel fairly effortless, but there's actually a lot of work and effort that goes into it. Take some credit!
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2012-07-03, 07:16 | Link #10468 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: JPN around Tokyo
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I have an emotional feeling .
I want to know other's opinions..
I had a bad experience thesedays. I had a close male friend and he had talked to me and visited my apartment and I also had visited him. He had said he wants to tell me things. I was a shy girl and hadn't been open to others,so he had always cared about the fact. He was really sarcastic and sadistic to me. He had talked to me in a bad manner just like he had tried to make me angry. I haven't had interested in him, since he was not my type. He also said so to me. He had always said he wants to be with a girl who is better than any girls he had dated. He is a person who is making efforts to be a better person. As I have been getting touch with him, I came to think he is just like me. I am a such person, not be open just like him. And I came to feel I have a special feeling to him though I didn't want to admit that. But I stopped to meet him ,since I have been said to meet other man to marry(arranged marriage).Though I haven't marry that man. That is a story of 1 year ago. But 1 month ago, I had a decision to go back to my home town to work with my father. I said to him so, since I thought he was my friend and sometimes I had a good feeling to him. He said he had a will to meet me again to give me a farewell party. He said he wanted to invite my friend since he didn't want to be alone with me. We had a promise, but he didn't come to the party. He called me after the party ended. He said he was busy for working. But that must be a lie. I was shocked. I haven't been getting over it. I am always thinking about him. I don't know why he hadn't come to the party. It's difficult. I have tried to understand him, but still I don't have the answer. I am tortured. Then , please tell me why the man had done such a thing to me? I want to know that.
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Last edited by rio; 2012-07-05 at 07:32. |
2012-07-03, 08:21 | Link #10469 |
Underweight Food Hoarder
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Eh. I think I have had the same attitude as that friend of yours in the past. I don't feel comfortable saying what I think it is but it's really negative. In a far-fetched way of describing, he felt 'tortured' long before and this is more of an expression of 'leave me be'. Don't sympathize with that kind of feeling though. It's a half-masochistic long-winded thought process that really has nothing to do with you but more of how he thinks. If he hadn't called after, I wouldn't be so sure of your situation. But he obviously does not care about you in a friendly or romantic way. He might have already planned to not show up so he asked you to bring another friend so you don't show up alone. That would be just innate kindness that most people have. It's not something that is shown exclusively towards you. =----------= For what you can do from hereon; you can naturally forget about it and take it as a conclusion to any relationship. In the past when I acted as such, the girl involved in the drama spoke to me directly and called me all sorts of names. I didn't say anything back because there was nothing to be said. I don't think saying anything to your friend or not would make any difference. In an already initiated relationship, I have screwed up where I completely forget to show up and called afterwards to apologize (BAAAD ;__; ). What I did was immediately schedule an all-day admission for the two of us at an amusement park as well as dinner at a 4 star restaurant, all on me. While the apology doesn't have to be wrapped in monetary expenses; a person that is genuinely sorry and concerned would go far far out of their way to prove to you they aren't purposely avoiding you. The person in your case did not. You could make your love relationship/friendship work out if you really insist it by giving 150% while he gives 10%. It's not worth it at all for something so one-sided but that's for you to decide. I expected others to understand me without me understanding others when I acted like your friend did. |
2012-07-03, 10:12 | Link #10470 | |
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: JPN around Tokyo
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Quote:
I don't want to have a relationship with him. I just want to get the feeling out of myself so considering why he was like that . And I want to add these : He tried to talk to me at first, and telephoned to me and visited me.. And he stopped to send e-mail after I said I'll meet a guy for arranged marriage. And about the party, he changed the day we had planned at first for he was busy , and decided to meet on another day. What I can assume is, he had changed his mind. He had wanted to have the party, but gradually he hadn't been willing to go there and meet me. But not sure . Anyway, as you say, I had better to find another person . But I have been attractted to guys who's looks are just like the man thesedays,so I think I'd better to find the way to forget the incident and solve the situation.
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2012-07-03, 10:43 | Link #10471 | ||||
I don't give a damn, dude
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 38
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At least getting cheap second-hand furniture IS an option here. Probably. Quote:
At least it's not like she wants a child now, or even soon. She does have a to-do-before-30 list to go through. Quote:
I've been there, I love the place, I think it'd be a great spot for someone to grow up in. No idea whether she'll go for it, though. :/ Quote:
I guess you're right, but even so, I feel like I can do even better than I am now, and feeling like I can do so on a regular basis will go a long way to making myself feel ready. To be honest, being able to contribute financially is really only just half of it; the other thing I want to be able to do before we tie the knot is to learn how to cook for real. She's going to need it. |
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2012-07-03, 13:03 | Link #10472 | |
The Most Hated™
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum
Age: 36
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because in your description of the situation ther was no hint of the dere personality, she is just tsun.... there are 2 causes she acts cold towards you, 1. she genuinely does not stand you, that is the worst scenario. 2. as you suggested she might have something for you but she tries to reject it acting cold. there is one other scenario....You might have done something ,voluntarily or not, i don't know, you've got to figure it out, that might have caused her to be angry with you. i had similar experience in high school, but it turned out that she genuinely hated me :P I hope you the best, you should try to close the distance fast, flirt with her try to make her laugh, and ask her to a casual meeting in the city, (not a date) and at the end if it went well go for a kiss. cheek , lips any is fine just don't take it too long cause the uncertainty will consume you, (personal experience) best of luck, Oh by the way getting bck to your challenge Ledgem i have to postpone it for a few days cause i got assigned to another city 30 miles away and my whole day is occupied by work and commute, but from friday i will get some free time cause i'll be home by 4pm and then i will go out in the city flirting with girls :P and from the 15th the company is on holiday for 2 weeks so I will get things done in that time.
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Last edited by csuree; 2012-07-03 at 13:19. |
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2012-07-03, 17:09 | Link #10473 | |||
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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Well, you have time... Quote:
"The greatest enemy of a good idea is the dream of a perfect plan." -General Karl von Clausewitz The point is, you don't have to be perfect before getting married. That's a life-long effort. If you want to make some smaller preparations and changes, sure, go ahead, but make sure that you're not delaying just because you have an idea of perfection that you want to achieve. It's OK if not everything is absolutely ideal: you can still go ahead with it. Quote:
I'll tell you the point of this challenge. Shyness is a combination of state of mind (telling yourself "I'm shy") and inexperience. Get yourself to talk to a few random girls, and you'll stop telling yourself "I'm shy" because you'll remember that you did some things that shy people don't do. The experience will also help you to get over your fears. You've probably heard a saying or two about how the fear of a thing is almost always worse than the thing itself? That's what it is in this case. What's so scary about saying some words to a random girl? I remember what my fears were. "What will she think of me? What if she thinks I'm weird? What if I don't know what to say?" There's a common theme with those thoughts: worrying about how others perceive you. You don't even know this person, so there's no way you can tell what they're going to think. Worry about how you perceive yourself, and because you can't control what the other person is thinking, don't even try to second-guess it. If you perceive yourself well, almost everyone else will perceive you in the same manner. People can detect confidence, and they love it. So what if you stutter or have a moment where you can't think of something to say? If you focus on that and get all embarrassed, it looks bad. If you accept that it happened and don't care about it, the other person likely won't care, either. It's like that saying "it's not what you say, but how you say it." Get all flustered at yourself, and it's apparent; play it off as if nothing happened, and it's cool. You reach that state of being partly by working on how you perceive yourself, and partly through experience. The two help to boost each other. While we're on this subject, I wanted to share another thought with you. Have you ever heard that bit of advice passed around between guys, about how when you're single girls won't even look at you, and when you're dating, it seems like every girl is after you? Looking back, I'd say that there's some truth to that. After I starting dating the woman who became my wife I suddenly had tons of female friends, many of whom I felt would have lead to romantic relationships if I weren't already committed to someone. But the guys I talked to always seemed to think that it was because girls were somehow determining a guy's value based on whether another woman thought he was worth dating. That may happen in some cases, but I don't think it's the case most of the time. Here's why. When you talk to a girl now, as a single man, you're probably worried about how she'll perceive you. You want her to view you favorably, so you get nervous. It's almost like taking an exam: you want to do everything right, but you're not sure what "right" is, because each woman is different. That's anxiety-provoking. When you're already dating someone, you don't care how other women perceive you because you already have someone in your life. Moreover, you're not doubting yourself. Some woman was attracted to you and decided to date you. Even if another woman told you that you were hideous and a total ass, you'd brush it off like it was nothing, because in the back of your mind you already know that there's a woman who feels the complete opposite. As a result of that "invincibility," you're free to be yourself and to be open. So really, it isn't that already being in a relationship makes you attractive to other women. It's all about being able to show who you really are, and being able to engage in an open, friendly, and comfortable manner. You can be those things even as a single man, but you need to put yourself in the right frame of mind. That's much easier to do when you're already dating. Last bit of advice for this post. Have you ever watched Densha Otoko? I'm talking about the drama, not the anime. If you haven't, I highly recommend it. The main character is someone that I think most of us on here could identify with to some level. I found it to be really inspirational, but in an inverted sort of way. In my case, a girl gave me her phone number. I was sitting, feeling shy and nervous about calling. Then a scene from Densha Otoko flashed through my mind, and I just thought "there's no way I'm going to allow myself to be that bad." That was the catalyst that pushed me over the edge to just press the "call" button. I'm thinking that, at least in the beginning, you might need a similar catalyst - something to just push you to act, so that you'll discover that you're fine and that there really wasn't anything to be worried about in the first place. Good luck.
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2012-07-04, 09:57 | Link #10474 |
The Most Hated™
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum
Age: 36
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I perfectly understand what are you trying to say here. With the good state of mind of being confident in myself i can conquer my shyness, and have normal conversations with girls whom i am attracted to, without the possibility of failure.
I just have to shut out the thoughts that are telling me: "what will happen if....." Because until i don't try I'll never know that she genuinely wanted to turn me down, or she might have been attracted but my short-comings had ruined the opportunity. But even this has some disadvantages, cause you might go overboard with "being invincible" and get too cocky....not that the girls don't like it but some of them are turned down by such attitude. so i have to be extra careful, but in a casual manner so that it will not show signs of uncertainty, Believe it or not i have subscribed to some seduction newsletters a couple of years ago, i have printed them out and studied them, and while i was doing things according to those advice (relaxed playfulness, the art of breaking the ice, and so on, i actually got a bit popular for a short time but i think because after this i did not keep up the social level i went back to the "geek form" again. i think i will re-read those articles again and put them into action once more... So the important thing is "i'm a winner no matter what happens". Exercise will bring experience, experience will bring confidence, confidence will bring me love, and all the good things associated with it.... those were great points, thanks again. About densha otoko, i searched for it and found some torrents but the download is sloooow, but i will search some more to make sure to get it. usually movies, and good dramas make a great impression on me and tend to be imprinted so deep that it can make me change my way of life, if that is the case. this is how i got into my anime, manga, light novel, hobby 8 years ago, or car-tuning 11 years ago, or sci-fi 20 years ago. thanks again, i'll keep you posted on the new developments shortly
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2012-07-04, 14:45 | Link #10475 | ||
Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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In your case, because you're on the extreme shy end of the spectrum, I don't think you need to worry too much about coming off as arrogant at this point. If you worry about being perceived as arrogant, you'll probably compensate and still come off as being too shy. Once you build up some confidence and feel more comfortable, that's when you should be wary of it. But truthfully, since you're already thinking about arrogance, my guess is that you won't reach the point of arrogance anyway. Quote:
You've got it! I wish you lots of success, and look forward to hearing good things from you!
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2012-07-08, 00:48 | Link #10476 | |
Senior Member
Artist
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: The Middle Way
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What is this, a running gag!? Maybe I should stop attending that party every year.
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2012-07-08, 00:59 | Link #10477 | ||
I don't give a damn, dude
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 38
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Thanks, mate. This goes a long way in psyching myself up for the big event. I just hope it'll be enough to prevent me from freaking me out at the last minute. Quote:
2) Got her number, 3) ??? 4) Got rejected. So, what's number 3? |
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2012-07-08, 01:10 | Link #10478 | |
I don't give a damn, dude
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: In Despair
Age: 38
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But it's okay, you tried. There's still plenty of time to come across the right one out there. |
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2012-07-14, 16:45 | Link #10479 |
The Interstellar Medium
Author
Join Date: May 2008
Location: [SWE]
Age: 34
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Never really write such stuff down in public, but hey... how about some self-realization that destroys oneself? Besides, I can practice some prose.
Spoiler for the stuff:
tl;dr: Broke up with LDR, didn't want to lead her on in a false belief as I dug my own hole deeper and deeper, crushed her heart out of nowhere with no alternatives, feel like an asshole, but won't emo and will move on and grow as a person.
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2012-07-14, 17:04 | Link #10480 | |
Emperor of the Expected
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Florida
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Tags |
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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