Dating

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

Er. No. This would be true in an ideal world, but in this one, it's not really valid. The simple fact is that sometimes it really is better for the person not just on a convenience level, but on an emotional health/safety level, to create some distance or cut someone out of their life entirely. The people who hold on to ties that put a strain on their own lives are sometimes just plain unaware of what is happening to them, but often do so out of fear of change and a need for external validation.

It varies by circumstance, and we're coming at this from two different areas. Let's take Shiemi's example above, about a woman who didn't like smokers and dated an ex-smoker. He started smoking again, and she let him know that she didn't like that, and asked him to stop. That puts the ball in his court, to either stop if he wants to be with her, or decide he'd rather not and then she could leave him.

In that situation, or an abusive one where the person won't change, then it's okay for someone to leave and cut off ties. That's understandable and that's where you are coming from.

But if the woman, say, just up and left him out of the blue, he's going to naturally ask why. She'd tell him it was because of the smoking, and his response would naturally be, "Well, why didn't you say anything?" In that case, it is her fault because she didn't say anything. It usually indicates a deeper reason that she doesn't want to admit, as it might end up making her look worse, and thus she was just looking for excuses to push it all back on him.

People can and do change, and I'm sure you'd like to be told something in advance, rather than have someone drop you out of the blue. If someone has a history of doing things like this, then I think you'd agree they have an issue.

On the matter of 'in it for sex' vs. 'in it for love', I again raise up the standard that if you cannot trust someone enough to just give you a straight answer about their motivations, you should not even bother pursuing a relationship with that person. A relationship will serve to deepen the ties between two people, but it's all rather pointless to try deepening trust if there's so little in place to begin with.

Trust is just something you have to give; sure, you're gonna get hurt occasionally. But the alternative is to completely close yourself off to people. I've been there, and decided to finally open up and trust people, knowing I'll get burned again, but that's just life.

But if person A is under the impression there is a high degree of trust in the relationship, and Person B does nothing to indicate otherwise, then it's Person B that has the problem. Like above, it was Person B who misled Person A. Love has to have trust, so you're right that if no deeper relationship can happen if one party is not trusting the other. But it's a disservice to not say anything at all, and raises the question that Person B only thought of it as a superficial relationship. And thus the obvious question of "Did they actually leave because they got all they wanted, or found something better?"

Sex can happen when there's little trust, although Person A might believe there is more trust there if something like that happens, when it's more of a "fling" thing to Person B. Some people do treat such things casually. Person A might be incorrect in assuming there is something more there, but they won't know unless Person B says something.

[Ricky Controversy]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

But if the woman, say, just up and left him out of the blue, he's going to naturally ask why. She'd tell him it was because of the smoking, and his response would naturally be, "Well, why didn't you say anything?" In that case, it is her fault because she didn't say anything. It usually indicates a deeper reason that she doesn't want to admit, as it might end up making her look worse, and thus she was just looking for excuses to push it all back on him.

People can and do change, and I'm sure you'd like to be told something in advance, rather than have someone drop you out of the blue. If someone has a history of doing things like this, then I think you'd agree they have an issue.

Ah, okay, the way you phrased it made me think you were speaking in absolutes, but yes, in such a situation you're absolutely right: some warning before hand is really the duty of the troubled party.

The tragic thing is that sometimes, you end up in situations with people with whom the warning doesn't take, and that gets nasty. I've been in relationships with that sort of person. Usually it's something that a person used to being the victim does. So there's another sign to look out for: someone who makes a point of focusing on how they have been wronged in the past is not ready for a relationship, they're just looking for an ego boost.

...Sex can happen when there's little trust, although Person A might believe there is more trust there if something like that happens, when it's more of a "fling" thing to Person B. Some people do treat such things casually. Person A might be incorrect in assuming there is something more there, but they won't know unless Person B says something.

Fair enough, this is why I advocate actually asking someone about their motives. Assumptions have the potential to be pretty harmful in any context, but it's a sad aspect of our world that people are often expected to have some sort of relationship ESP, and asking direct questions is just a sign of a 'lack of understanding'. We get fed this ideal of love where the people involved can 'talk without words', and we maybe even have close friendships like this, but it's less a matter of how intimate you are with someone than it is a matter of similar thought patterns.

Yes kids, it's okay to ask your significant other about things. Someone who gets mad at their partner for not 'just knowing' should probably take a chill pill.

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

The tragic thing is that sometimes, you end up in situations with people with whom the warning doesn't take, and that gets nasty. I've been in relationships with that sort of person. Usually it's something that a person used to being the victim does. So there's another sign to look out for: someone who makes a point of focusing on how they have been wronged in the past is not ready for a relationship, they're just looking for an ego boost.

Yeah, if there is warning that is not heeded, then there is an issue. You can't expect someone to change unless they are straight up told what they are doing that you don't like, because not people really realize what they are doing to people, otherwise.

But we all have baggage from our past, emotional and otherwise; it's what makes us human, the good and the bad. Part of building those solid foundations of a relationship is being able to accept that your partner/friend for who they are. Indeed, I've found I love someone for their flaws almost more than their good points; it makes the person more "real" to me.

Whether or not someone is ready for a relationship, you really can't know until they are in one, and analyzing why their past relationships failed. For someone who has been wronged a lot, they probably do need something like an ego boost; a way to restore their confidence because they've been hurt a lot. Ignoring the person and perpetuating the hurt they've felt before, doesn't do a whole lot of good.

Fair enough, this is why I advocate actually asking someone about their motives. Assumptions have the potential to be pretty harmful in any context, but it's a sad aspect of our world that people are often expected to have some sort of relationship ESP, and asking direct questions is just a sign of a 'lack of understanding'. We get fed this ideal of love where the people involved can 'talk without words', and we maybe even have close friendships like this, but it's less a matter of how intimate you are with someone than it is a matter of similar thought patterns.

Yep. And it takes time to even build that. After 10-20 years, you can probably tell what your partner is thinking, and what they want, by instinct alone; but not after a few months, so there needs to be honest communication. There's nothing you can do, though, if someone won't talk to you. They have a problem, and it's something they need to learn to work with.

[RadiantBeam]

So, I dug out my old Pokemon Silver and started playing it out of boredom because my sister hijacked my laptop for a few hours, and when I had to name my little trainer character, I plugged in the name of the boy I like. Am I completely sunk or what?

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

Radiant, that was so dere.

I for one think you aren't sunk, you got wings. Now whether or not those wings carry you far is debatable. You got get sunk when you lose hope.

Or do you get sunk when you get drunk? Can't really remember. But I'm almost certain it's the former.

I think we've all done it at some point or another, naming stuff after people we like, cherish, or so forth.

I guess I'm asking because this is actually the first time I've done it with someone I like. And for some reason I really happen to like the name of the boy I like, though my dad has a field day with jokes about it, so I thought "Why not?" and plugged it in for my character. Plus, it gives me a nice, warm fuzzy feeling when I see that name come on the screen.

...

God, I sound weird. o_O

[GN0010 Nosferatu]

For a while now, when it comes to dating, I've decided to call it quits. Where I am in life right now, a relationship is not the most important thing for me. Plus, after my major heartbreak from Tegan, I'm not really sure I'm over her enough to enter another fully committed relationship.

[hinakatbklyn]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I guess I'm asking because this is actually the first time I've done it with someone I like. And for some reason I really happen to like the name of the boy I like, though my dad has a field day with jokes about it, so I thought "Why not?" and plugged it in for my character. Plus, it gives me a nice, warm fuzzy feeling when I see that name come on the screen.
...
God, I sound weird. o_O

Weird or not, you worried about hiding him before. Now you don't have to hide him, so you don't have to worry as much now that it's out in the open. And to note that you're dad is not being too serious (having alittle fun) which helps the matter more.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I guess I'm asking because this is actually the first time I've done it with someone I like. And for some reason I really happen to like the name of the boy I like, though my dad has a field day with jokes about it, so I thought "Why not?" and plugged it in for my character. Plus, it gives me a nice, warm fuzzy feeling when I see that name come on the screen.

...

God, I sound weird. o_O

Arbitres was right. You sound like a stalker. *digs a shellscrape and surrounds it with claymores*.

[GN0010 Nosferatu]

Don't we all sound a little nutty when we really like someone? I don't see Radiant as a stalker or anything. Just someone who really likes someone else.

If that's crazy, then I don't wanna be sane.

[Samari]

I want the board's opinion on something. I'm going to share a post that I presented on another forum to make things easier. There are some adult themed aspects within my inquiry, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Spoiler for My post.:

Hey. So I wanted the board's opinion's on a certain aspect of my relationship with my girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year and a half. Just to give you a breakdown, we're a good couple overall. We fight sometimes about little things, but we usually make up quickly. We both live in the city and moved in together about 5 months ago. We're both art students at a university in San Francisco.

As for my girlfriend specifically she's great. Beautiful, slender body, shares a similar interest in the art field as me (we're both illustration majors at our school), very funny, smart, and really cute most of the time. She's also responsible and a very imaginative cook. There is a strong chance I would like to marry this girl one day if things keep going the way they are.

But sometimes I do wonder about other areas of our relationship. We've had sex plenty of times, and it's been alright I suppose. It was her first time as it was mine. She's not a bad sex partner, but I wouldn't say she comes off as a top tier partner with that activity either. She never really "wants it" from me...it's always the other way around. Me taking off her clothes, always being the one to initiate. And there are certain things she won't do no matter what...such as let me touch her vagina with my hand, certain positions, etc (honestly the only time I thought she was fantastic under the sheets was when we were both a little drunk.) And her sex appeal sometimes leaves a little to be desired. There are occassions where I wish she would dress a little more well...sexy. Maybe some high heels every once in a while instead of the same old beat up Converse shoes. Or perhaps some stockings? Maybe some perfume? Earrings? Or rather just being more enthusiastic about this area of our relationship.

I know this makes me sound like the bad guy that just wants a ho for a girlfriend. But I just wanted to be honest as to how a small part of me is feeling. I know sex isn't everything, but I mean if this is a girl in which I'm potentially going to spend a good portion of my life with, if not all of it...is it really selfish to question this area of our partnership?

Let me tell you all if I had to make a decision now, I would spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend. I value who she is more than anything else. And I know there are sacrifices to be made in life. Perhaps this is one of them. I just want to ask all of you if I'm in the right for questioning this. Thanks.

[Kafriel]

Spoiler for Above:

I think it's important to be satisfied with your partner, after all it is a big part of a relationship, although there's a lot more than that. From what I gather, the woman's reserved, and if you ask me I'd live with it out of respect, after all she sounds perfect in every other aspect and I don't particularly mind about sex. Now, if you really feel that it puts you down then you could talk to her about it, see if she would be willing to make room for some changes (without overdoing it, of course). If she says no, I'd take it as a matter of pride and nurture - there are women who don't masturbate, don't smoke, don't follow fashion and don't do piercings, when it comes to their way of life changes are harder to be made.

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Samari

I want the board's opinion on something. I'm going to share a post that I presented on another forum to make things easier. There are some adult themed aspects within my inquiry, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Spoiler for My post.:

Hey. So I wanted the board's opinion's on a certain aspect of my relationship with my girlfriend who I've been dating for almost a year and a half. Just to give you a breakdown, we're a good couple overall. We fight sometimes about little things, but we usually make up quickly. We both live in the city and moved in together about 5 months ago. We're both art students at a university in San Francisco.

As for my girlfriend specifically she's great. Beautiful, slender body, shares a similar interest in the art field as me (we're both illustration majors at our school), very funny, smart, and really cute most of the time. She's also responsible and a very imaginative cook. There is a strong chance I would like to marry this girl one day if things keep going the way they are.

But sometimes I do wonder about other areas of our relationship. We've had sex plenty of times, and it's been alright I suppose. It was her first time as it was mine. She's not a bad sex partner, but I wouldn't say she comes off as a top tier partner with that activity either. She never really "wants it" from me...it's always the other way around. Me taking off her clothes, always being the one to initiate. And there are certain things she won't do no matter what...such as let me touch her vagina with my hand, certain positions, etc (honestly the only time I thought she was fantastic under the sheets was when we were both a little drunk.) And her sex appeal sometimes leaves a little to be desired. There are occassions where I wish she would dress a little more well...sexy. Maybe some high heels every once in a while instead of the same old beat up Converse shoes. Or perhaps some stockings? Maybe some perfume? Earrings? Or rather just being more enthusiastic about this area of our relationship.

I know this makes me sound like the bad guy that just wants a ho for a girlfriend. But I just wanted to be honest as to how a small part of me is feeling. I know sex isn't everything, but I mean if this is a girl in which I'm potentially going to spend a good portion of my life with, if not all of it...is it really selfish to question this area of our partnership?

Let me tell you all if I had to make a decision now, I would spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend. I value who she is more than anything else. And I know there are sacrifices to be made in life. Perhaps this is one of them. I just want to ask all of you if I'm in the right for questioning this. Thanks.

*looks at Mystique*

I think this is yours, Big Momma. >_>

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

Spoiler for Above:

I think it's important to be satisfied with your partner, after all it is a big part of a relationship, although there's a lot more than that. From what I gather, the woman's reserved, and if you ask me I'd live with it out of respect, after all she sounds perfect in every other aspect and I don't particularly mind about sex. Now, if you really feel that it puts you down then you could talk to her about it, see if she would be willing to make room for some changes (without overdoing it, of course). If she says no, I'd take it as a matter of pride and nurture - there are women who don't masturbate, don't smoke, don't follow fashion and don't do piercings, when it comes to their way of life changes are harder to be made.

Spoiler for my post.:

I've actually talked to her about it since I made that post on another forum. Which was about two weeks ago or so. I made it perfectly clear that I wasn't expecting her to change who she was, just to perhaps experiment with certain aspects of our sex life. She said she would keep it in mind. So we'll see how things go.

[emp_athy]

[QUOTE=Samari;3052843]I want the board's opinion on something. I'm going to share a post that I presented on another forum to make things easier. There are some adult themed aspects within my inquiry, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Spoiler for My reply.:

You sound very fortunate to be involved in such a solid relationship.

All couple's argue, and it's usually regarding the small insignificant things. When you spend most of your time wrapped around a single person, of course there will be disagreements from time to time.

With regards to your sex life. Have you communicated with your partner about your concerns? Open communication is key to maintain any harmonious relationship. If you do not communicate your dissatisfaction, how is your partner to know? She is not a mind reader. Even if you have dropped hints from time to time, they have probably gone unprocessed.

She sounds quite conservative - but perhaps she isn't, perhaps she just hasn't had an opportunity to explore her sexuality to its utmost. Her not allowing you to touch her genitals - it sounds as though she is very repressed, and probably a great deal self-conscious. I'd propose taking a bath together, or offer the massage her back, shoulders - then progress from them. Start to explore her body, in a relaxed atmosphere, so she can get used to be touched intimately.

Put forward ideas, not requests - so that the two of you can mould them into something that is appealing to the both of you.

It sounds as though your partner is a casual dresser, and doesn't usually dress up in typically sexy feminine clothing. Perhaps you could go shopping together, pick something she could wear at home, or an outfit - then you could take her out somewhere. The most important thing is that she feel comfortable - if she's not comfortable, then her passion is unlikely to peak.

I would definitely recommend spending time on intimacy before you progress to putting forward ideas about clothing or fantasy. You may wish to spend effort on opening her up - making her feel comfortable, safe, relaxed - and her desire will start to ignite. Take things slowly - reassure her all the way.
Once she has got over her self-conscious fears, I am sure your sex life will improve considerably.

[Ascaloth]

@Samari,

Try convincing her to cosplay in bed.

.....what? It's the logical next step from normal cosplay.

[Samari]

[QUOTE=emp_athy;3052883]

Originally Posted by Samari

I want the board's opinion on something. I'm going to share a post that I presented on another forum to make things easier. There are some adult themed aspects within my inquiry, so I'll put it in spoilers.

Spoiler for My reply.:

You sound very fortunate to be involved in such a solid relationship.

All couple's argue, and it's usually regarding the small insignificant things. When you spend most of your time wrapped around a single person, of course there will be disagreements from time to time.

With regards to your sex life. Have you communicated with your partner about your concerns? Open communication is key to maintain any harmonious relationship. If you do not communicate your dissatisfaction, how is your partner to know? She is not a mind reader. Even if you have dropped hints from time to time, they have probably gone unprocessed.

She sounds quite conservative - but perhaps she isn't, perhaps she just hasn't had an opportunity to explore her sexuality to its utmost. Her not allowing you to touch her genitals - it sounds as though she is very repressed, and probably a great deal self-conscious. I'd propose taking a bath together, or offer the massage her back, shoulders - then progress from them. Start to explore her body, in a relaxed atmosphere, so she can get used to be touched intimately.

Put forward ideas, not requests - so that the two of you can mould them into something that is appealing to the both of you.

It sounds as though your partner is a casual dresser, and doesn't usually dress up in typically sexy feminine clothing. Perhaps you could go shopping together, pick something she could wear at home, or an outfit - then you could take her out somewhere. The most important thing is that she feel comfortable - if she's not comfortable, then her passion is unlikely to peak.

I would definitely recommend spending time on intimacy before you progress to putting forward ideas about clothing or fantasy. You may wish to spend effort on opening her up - making her feel comfortable, safe, relaxed - and her desire will start to ignite. Take things slowly - reassure her all the way.
Once she has got over her self-conscious fears, I am sure your sex life will improve considerably.

Spoiler for My reply:

Her main thing is cleanliness. She is practically mysophobic. So doing things like touching her vagina, fingering, oral sex, she finds dirty. I think that is the main issue. And that is just the nature of who she is.

As for shopping, she doesn't like to go clothing shopping that much. And the rare times she does, it's not with me. I've mentioned in the past that she should take me on a clothing shopping trip with her since I've gone clothing shopping for myself with her and we've had lots of fun, but she just doesn't want to do it when it comes to shopping for her it seems like.

I'm thinking of perhaps buying her a little gift for a special occasion one of these days. Just to maybe get the ball rolling a little more. Perhaps some lingerie or something. For the humor and for the sex appeal. Or maybe some perfume. If that doesn't work out, well at least I tried.

There is also another issue I'm afraid. I'm living in San Francisco and there are loads of beautiful women where we reside, which is in the downtown district. And loads of beautiful women at our school as well. A lot of time these women dress in certain ways that are a little more enticing. And I find myself taking a peak at a lot of women. If it was one every once in a while I don't think it would be a big deal. But it's happening a lot. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm seeing these women and perhaps deep down a part of me would like it if my girlfriend dressed a little more enticing/increased her sex appeal sometimes...or if I'm just a horny guy that can't keep my eyes off of practically every attractive girl I see. Or both. There have been a couple times when I've even found myself flirting. It's a sad state of affairs to be honest. I would never cheat on my girlfriend I'll say that much. And I love her. I'm just worried the issues I've elaborated on about our sex life has effected my behavior with other people and made me a bit selfish while at the same time potentially putting my relationship in jeopardy.

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

@Samari,

Try convincing her to cosplay in bed.

.....what? It's the logical next step from normal cosplay.

Spoiler for My reply:

Actually we've done that twice. My birthday and Halloween. Those were two very good nights I'd have to say. Arguably our best two nights in bed. So she's had her moments. Very rare, but she's had them.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

Picky, aren't we? If I put Harufox in a dress, made him look girly and renamed him Harunafoxi would you take 'her' in then?

...Would you?

*nosebleed* please don't give me any ideas....he might actually decide to take me home with him

[Shiemi]

Samari, have you tried buying her clothes that you would like her to wear? Not sure if you mentioned it. You can even buy online, like from Victoria's Secret, for example.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Arbitres

... Actually, why not let Harunafoxi hide with you? I'm certain 'she' will behave herself.

...Moderately.

Haha..yes....she will *cheeky smile*

[zebra]

Originally Posted by Samari

Spoiler for My post.:

But sometimes I do wonder about other areas of our relationship. We've had sex plenty of times, and it's been alright I suppose. It was her first time as it was mine. She's not a bad sex partner, but I wouldn't say she comes off as a top tier partner with that activity either. She never really "wants it" from me...it's always the other way around.
Let me tell you all if I had to make a decision now, I would spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend. I value who she is more than anything else. And I know there are sacrifices to be made in life. Perhaps this is one of them. I just want to ask all of you if I'm in the right for questioning this. Thanks.

Spoiler for My reply:

Her main thing is cleanliness. She is practically mysophobic. So doing things like touching her vagina, fingering, oral sex, she finds dirty. I think that is the main issue. And that is just the nature of who she is.

As for shopping, she doesn't like to go clothing shopping that much.

I'm thinking of perhaps buying her a little gift for a special occasion one of these days. Just to maybe get the ball rolling a little more. Perhaps some lingerie or something.

There have been a couple times when I've even found myself flirting. It's a sad state of affairs to be honest. I would never cheat on my girlfriend I'll say that much. And I love her. I'm just worried the issues I've elaborated on about our sex life has effected my behavior with other people and made me a bit selfish while at the same time potentially putting my relationship in jeopardy.

Spoiler for My two cents / sexual implications:

First things first:
You don't have to feel bad for wanting your girlfriend sexy up from time to time. Or for staring at others girls or even flirting (as long that's all of course). You're just a human and a friggin male (Not saying females don't do that at all, but hope you catch my drift)! Even men that get everything they want in their relationship still do that. I don't know a single guy who wouldn't stare at a sexbomb passing by, sexually deprived or partnered with a sex maniac. I think you can cut yourself some slack, to find others attractive is perfectly natural and you shouldn't question your faithfullness over that. Specially, since you emphasize you love her.

Personally, I would find it weird if my boyfriend would never be distracted by someone else. Of course he'd still get a slap for doing that while I'm there, but that is not the point
It's also natural to want your partner dress up sometimes. Females want their men sexy, too after all. You're not an ass for that.


As for the sex .. you two are in a steady and close relationship it seems, so I don't think trust really is an issue. I would think it's the inexperience. You said you both had your first time together, so I would think she just has problems to loosen up about it. It's not a matter of not loving or not wanting it, but a matter of mentality imho.
The sexual experience is very different for a woman and the majority of girls will say their first experiences were horrible and weird - regardless if it was with a loving partner. It gets better with time and practice, but many girls need a warm up time. They feel inscecure about it and don't want to do it wrong, as stupid as it may seem in a long term relationship. Some will even slap a hand away that they - in afterthought - don't really mind. It's an immediate reaction to something never experienced before. Sex is something very private, so she might feel weird about having her private parts exposed like that.

I don't know if she really is such hygiene freak that that could be the only issue. In my opinion she has just problems to truly let go, what is pretty common for novices. Girls think way too much xD
Her passive behaviour does look like she is just restrained from behaving naturally.

My advise would be to tactfully adress the issue and ask her what she would like to do and if the things you try really bother her. Could be she just panicks in the moment it happens. Also saying you would like to do more, without being too blunt shouldn't hurt.
If you're honest and affectionate to each other and do a step at a time - you might discover her passionate side soon. Specially, since that side seems to surface when drunk . What supports my theory of her just being restrained. Just keep in mind she experiences things differently than you are, she might just need some time.

Picking out Lingerie together really is a cool thing to do as a couple, so it's a shame she doesn't want to go shopping together. Picking something for her yourself might actually be a really good idea, but it won't change her behaviour in the long run.

I can be totally wrong though ... if she's just a hygiene freak get some disinfection tissues and place them subtly next to the bed

@arbitres, I think .. you think too much about it. If you find someone attractive, you find them attractive, regardless of what standarts you have set in your mind.
Example: I generally like openminded, funny and headstrong guys, but I also crushed heavily on guys who were rather quiet (yet yummly manly) in the past. You can't define chemistry logically. And if you just crush on tomboys .. who cares? There are men who date the same type of woman their whole life, you don't have to justify your taste.

And it's actually common to behave like an idiot on a date, so that's your chance as the socially awkward! Sorry, I meant to sound serious, but my brain is a jerk.
If you're on a date it's important to pick clothes and places you are comfortable with, that's pretty much all you can do as a preemptive strike. Or you can just go drinking and make sure she behaves like an idiot, too!
.. sry again, it's the brain.