AnimeSuki Forums

ldyrdy · 2013-11-23, 03:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by RobotCat

It's not clear when the prologue takes place compared to chapter one. You mentioned a best friend that betrayed him but then chapter one you mention another 'friend' but it turns out it's not that person who betrayed him? It just seems a bit confusing, especially because you switch from first person in the prologue to third person in chapter 1.

The only reason I can think of for this disconnect is that the narrator in the prologue is NOT the MC in chapter 1, ie, the prologue narrator is the villain or something. If that's the case it's an interesting idea that you can work at.

Also, you can completely plan the system but you don't need to have your readers read it right off the bat. You only reveal what's necessary when it needed. Are you watching Log Horizon right now? The anime is very systems heavy, but they only bring up the relevant game systems when the plot requires it, or to setup for foreshadowing for a future event.

For example, in episode 1, the MC gets thrust into the new game world, and the game system mechanics are slowly revealed, not dumped onto him all at once. They don't figure out how combat really works until later into the episode where they're forced to fight mobs.

As a player, of course I'd read the manual, but then a lot of my experiences with other games help expedite the process. However, you have to take into account that the reader may not want to know all the gritty details if it's not pertinent. For example, you didn't start the novel with the main character waking up, brushing his teeth, or putting on his clothes right? Things like operating the inventory or friends list really don't need to be brought up. If you want to talk about it, do it when the MC needs to access the menu or friend someone.

Remember, too much exposition right off the bat is a very bad way to start things off, as it kills the pacing and makes your reader less likely to continue.

Also, you might want to check out the manhwa 'The Gamer'. It does a pretty good job of having the main character get introduced to a game system. It should be helpful as a guide to figure out when to explain details and when to push the story forward.

yeah, I'm watching Log Horizon and reading The Gamer too...

I'm still figuring out the best way to put it out... maybe I'll just delete the system introduction and leave them at the manual guide? hmm.. I'm still working on it to make the story better..

thank you for your feedback... I really appreciate it...

I'm still looking for the right way to plan out the conversation of each character, and slowly putting up the system though... but, I'm just that baad at it T_T... sob...

altough the story is interesting, I still need to make it interesting in each character dialogue.. that's what I'm working on right now... so, maybe for my next part, I'll try reworking the first chapter more and more... because I'm having some hard time too when i frist write it...

I keep thinking won't my reader be bored because of this and so on... so, I'm still working on it to make it bettter... hehehhe.... thank you for your comments...

I'm thinking about a huge reworking of the system, like when you tell me about the fairies,, like in ALO right? when yui become the fairy... hmm... I'm still working out on it...

I think, by describing it one on one, I mean the system only get explained when the character need it... the conversation will get somehow better.... I'm still working out on how to put it... so, thank you for your feedback... it really gives me a lot to think about.. hehehe..

Thank you..

ldyrdy · 2013-11-29, 06:30

The first book has been revised successfully... it's the 1st revision...
I'm on my way to work at the second part of the story... so, check out for the revision and I'll tell you guys if the second book is finished...
here's the link for the revision: http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/
Thank you...

ldyrdy · 2013-11-30, 20:40

any other comment? *bump*

anyone reading it already?

ldyrdy · 2013-12-01, 06:27

so, any other comments?

ldyrdy · 2013-12-01, 07:53

the prologue of the second book is already up... I hope it can attract your attention..

thank you...

ldyrdy · 2013-12-21, 04:00

the second book is already up....

here's the link: http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-reminiscence/

thank you guys for your support...

dragon1412 · 2013-12-21, 05:13

ok, 1st thing is you successful taken over the control of infodump, this make it more pleasant to read a lot.
Your attempt exploit character of Kuro is good, but still too flawed, 1st - you gave us an in-depth of the reason for the change in Kuro, but you make the progress too convenient, he can kill outside the system, basically, the system have flaw since the GM don't know about it and this is not a good idea. Tweaking system to make an exception making reader feel that you abusing plot power too much. 2nd, Kill off or put Sakuya near death is an interesting idea to make more characterization but it's really hard for reader to sympathized due to the fact that most of her scene isn't have that much of an impact. 3rd, you too busy developed Kuro and heavily underdeveloped other characters.
Leave that aside, you forget the most important element in MMORPG, quest, 2 volume and only farming, not a single quest or a story of the game continent, if the game only consist of farming and event, i will drop it, it's just a giant war of the botter. Legend of the moonlight Sculptor have an extensive amount of quest, Log Horizon have Landers, Sao is overclouded with nature of survival, what is the objective of the player?? is it simply leveling and then kill each other ??

ldyrdy · 2013-12-21, 09:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragon1412

ok, 1st thing is you successful taken over the control of infodump, this make it more pleasant to read a lot.
Your attempt exploit character of Kuro is good, but still too flawed, 1st - you gave us an in-depth of the reason for the change in Kuro, but you make the progress too convenient, he can kill outside the system, basically, the system have flaw since the GM don't know about it and this is not a good idea. Tweaking system to make an exception making reader feel that you abusing plot power too much. 2nd, Kill off or put Sakuya near death is an interesting idea to make more characterization but it's really hard for reader to sympathized due to the fact that most of her scene isn't have that much of an impact. 3rd, you too busy developed Kuro and heavily underdeveloped other characters.
Leave that aside, you forget the most important element in MMORPG, quest, 2 volume and only farming, not a single quest or a story of the game continent, if the game only consist of farming and event, i will drop it, it's just a giant war of the botter. Legend of the moonlight Sculptor have an extensive amount of quest, Log Horizon have Landers, Sao is overclouded with nature of survival, what is the objective of the player?? is it simply leveling and then kill each other ??

thank you for your comments... firstly, i was going to finished this arc before i'm going to move on to the quest thing and so on...
there are some reason why i'm making an exception for kuro... you'll know about it at the third book... hehehe...

as for sakuya... you'll get surprised when you know the truth behind the AI system..

when this arc is finished.. I'm planning to write about the upcoming quest... that's where hikaru and friends come in...

any way, thank you for reading... hehehe...

dragon1412 · 2013-12-21, 09:55

no in cased of questing, the thing is we reader seen that he reach lvl 42 purely by farming, and you also didn't mention about one of the most atracting point of MMORPG : equipments, example, in game people have a habit of checking other equipments, with Kuro being so high up, no mention of equipment or location is a little ...

ldyrdy · 2013-12-21, 10:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragon1412

no in cased of questing, the thing is we reader seen that he reach lvl 42 purely by farming, and you also didn't mention about one of the most atracting point of MMORPG : equipments, example, in game people have a habit of checking other equipments, with Kuro being so high up, no mention of equipment or location is a little ...

owh... i get it...

yeah, pure farming could take you to a pretty high level.. but, as the monster level rise, the harder it get's for you too level up.. that's when the quest system come in.. heheheh...

as for the equipments, i'm only mentioning about a few unique item... but, boss item is coming in to the story... so, worry not I'm going to improve little by little..

i realized that it's far from a decent story, so your comments is really appreciated bro... hehehe...

ldyrdy · 2013-12-21, 18:54

I'm currently planning to write the third book soon.. so, any other comments about the story?

ldyrdy · 2013-12-22, 02:44

the 8th chapter is finished,,, but i'm not going to publish it yet... it will ruin the fun... hehehe

ldyrdy · 2013-12-22, 03:19

here's the prologue for the third volume..

Prologue
I’m weak... I realized that when I see the girl that’s lying down on the ground helplessly in front of me.
I was moving towards her, but my mind is going blank and I’m starting to see something.
On a sunny day, I was standing inside the chapel on my tuxedo. I was definitely trying my best to look good and neat. It was a day that I have been waiting for.
As the music plays, you slowly enter the room. I’m looking at you but I couldn’t see your face clearly because of the veil. But I know one thing for sure, that you look amazing.
When you enters, the sunlight coming from the door, showing me a good silhouette of you. It was as if an angel has descended to the earth from the heaven.
As you stand beside me, I can hear your heart beating fast. I’m sure you can hear the sound from my heart too. I opened your veil and it was something that I will never forget. Your eyelash has been trimmed and shaped beautifully. Your eye shadow color is so soft, points out your beautiful red eyes. That pink lipstick on your lips was so tempting for me to resist.
We faced the altar and a priest is standing there. He carries our ring on top of a small pillow. I took one ring and put it in your fingers. After that, you do the same. We’re both smiling happily.
“.... Do you take.... as your wife and promised to be together trough difficult and the easy. Trough happiness and sadness. And your love won’t waver no matter what happened?”
“I do.”
“.... Do you take.... as your husband and promised to be together trough difficult and the easy. Trough happiness and sadness. And your love won’t waver no matter what happened?”
You stopped for a moment there without saying anything. Makes me nervous as seconds passes by. I was looking at you and I see something that I didn’t expected. Tears start to falls down to your cheeks. And finally I heard those words from you.
“Yes, I do.”
If this is only a dream... Please, don’t ever wake me up...

ldyrdy · 2013-12-22, 20:53

can i help you guys to tell about this to your friends? because so far it's only been spread from mouth to mouth...

if you can do that, it would be great...

thank you...

ldyrdy · 2013-12-23, 04:24

any feedback about the second book?

ldyrdy · 2013-12-23, 18:55

i've made some changes to the website... anybody see it yet? what do you think?

ldyrdy · 2013-12-25, 20:11

I'm taking some break for the Christmas and on the new years eve.. but I hope I can finished the third book before that...

anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy new year...

thank you for reading my novel and please keep supporting me...

arigatou.. ^^

ldyrdy · 2014-01-10, 01:27

Hello everybody...
Finally the third book of the series rebirth online have finished...
The third book is planned to be finished by new years but there’s been some delay...
But, I promised you that it will be a blast.. hehehe....
Here’s the link : http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-of-the-world/
The pdf is also available for download.. here’s the pdf link : http://www.mediafire.com/view/rbp6yd...he%20World.pdf
Thank you for all of you who keeps on supporting me... please look forward to my next book...

ldyrdy · 2014-01-10, 20:22

anyone is reading it yet? got comments? *bump*

ldyrdy · 2014-01-10, 23:33

got any comments? *bump*

2013-11-29, 06:30	Link #22
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	The first book has been revised successfully... it's the 1st revision... I'm on my way to work at the second part of the story... so, check out for the revision and I'll tell you guys if the second book is finished... here's the link for the revision: http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...nning-revised/ Thank you...

2013-11-30, 20:40	Link #23
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	any other comment? bump anyone reading it already?

2013-12-01, 06:27	Link #24
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	so, any other comments?

2013-12-01, 07:53	Link #25
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	the prologue of the second book is already up... I hope it can attract your attention.. thank you...

2013-12-21, 04:00	Link #26
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	the second book is already up.... here's the link: http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-reminiscence/ thank you guys for your support...

2013-12-21, 05:13	Link #27
dragon1412 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: somewhere in Asia	ok, 1st thing is you successful taken over the control of infodump, this make it more pleasant to read a lot. Your attempt exploit character of Kuro is good, but still too flawed, 1st - you gave us an in-depth of the reason for the change in Kuro, but you make the progress too convenient, he can kill outside the system, basically, the system have flaw since the GM don't know about it and this is not a good idea. Tweaking system to make an exception making reader feel that you abusing plot power too much. 2nd, Kill off or put Sakuya near death is an interesting idea to make more characterization but it's really hard for reader to sympathized due to the fact that most of her scene isn't have that much of an impact. 3rd, you too busy developed Kuro and heavily underdeveloped other characters. Leave that aside, you forget the most important element in MMORPG, quest, 2 volume and only farming, not a single quest or a story of the game continent, if the game only consist of farming and event, i will drop it, it's just a giant war of the botter. Legend of the moonlight Sculptor have an extensive amount of quest, Log Horizon have Landers, Sao is overclouded with nature of survival, what is the objective of the player?? is it simply leveling and then kill each other ??

2013-12-21, 09:55	Link #29
dragon1412 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: somewhere in Asia	no in cased of questing, the thing is we reader seen that he reach lvl 42 purely by farming, and you also didn't mention about one of the most atracting point of MMORPG : equipments, example, in game people have a habit of checking other equipments, with Kuro being so high up, no mention of equipment or location is a little ...

2013-12-21, 18:54	Link #31
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	I'm currently planning to write the third book soon.. so, any other comments about the story?

2013-12-22, 02:44	Link #32
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	the 8th chapter is finished,,, but i'm not going to publish it yet... it will ruin the fun... hehehe

2013-12-22, 03:19	Link #33
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	here's the prologue for the third volume.. Prologue I’m weak... I realized that when I see the girl that’s lying down on the ground helplessly in front of me. I was moving towards her, but my mind is going blank and I’m starting to see something. On a sunny day, I was standing inside the chapel on my tuxedo. I was definitely trying my best to look good and neat. It was a day that I have been waiting for. As the music plays, you slowly enter the room. I’m looking at you but I couldn’t see your face clearly because of the veil. But I know one thing for sure, that you look amazing. When you enters, the sunlight coming from the door, showing me a good silhouette of you. It was as if an angel has descended to the earth from the heaven. As you stand beside me, I can hear your heart beating fast. I’m sure you can hear the sound from my heart too. I opened your veil and it was something that I will never forget. Your eyelash has been trimmed and shaped beautifully. Your eye shadow color is so soft, points out your beautiful red eyes. That pink lipstick on your lips was so tempting for me to resist. We faced the altar and a priest is standing there. He carries our ring on top of a small pillow. I took one ring and put it in your fingers. After that, you do the same. We’re both smiling happily. “.... Do you take.... as your wife and promised to be together trough difficult and the easy. Trough happiness and sadness. And your love won’t waver no matter what happened?” “I do.” “.... Do you take.... as your husband and promised to be together trough difficult and the easy. Trough happiness and sadness. And your love won’t waver no matter what happened?” You stopped for a moment there without saying anything. Makes me nervous as seconds passes by. I was looking at you and I see something that I didn’t expected. Tears start to falls down to your cheeks. And finally I heard those words from you. “Yes, I do.” If this is only a dream... Please, don’t ever wake me up...

2013-12-22, 20:53	Link #34
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	can i help you guys to tell about this to your friends? because so far it's only been spread from mouth to mouth... if you can do that, it would be great... thank you...

2013-12-23, 04:24	Link #35
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	any feedback about the second book?

2013-12-23, 18:55	Link #36
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	i've made some changes to the website... anybody see it yet? what do you think?

2013-12-25, 20:11	Link #37
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	I'm taking some break for the Christmas and on the new years eve.. but I hope I can finished the third book before that... anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy new year... thank you for reading my novel and please keep supporting me... arigatou.. ^^

2014-01-10, 01:27	Link #38
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	Hello everybody... Finally the third book of the series rebirth online have finished... The third book is planned to be finished by new years but there’s been some delay... But, I promised you that it will be a blast.. hehehe.... Here’s the link : http://rebirthonlinelightnovel.wordp...-of-the-world/ The pdf is also available for download.. here’s the pdf link : http://www.mediafire.com/view/rbp6yd...he%20World.pdf Thank you for all of you who keeps on supporting me... please look forward to my next book...

2014-01-10, 20:22	Link #39
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	anyone is reading it yet? got comments? bump

2014-01-10, 23:33	Link #40
ldyrdy Member Join Date: Nov 2013	got any comments? bump