Dating

[synaesthetic]

The breakup has put her in such a depressive, angry, hate-the-world mood that really I just want her to go away. She doesn't seem to understand that this kind of mood is going to make people not want to be around her, and the more people avoid her because she's in a foul mood, the worse she gets. It's just a chain reaction.

This girl has problems. She's very clingy, very lovey-dovey, but the real problem is she defines her existence by the opinions and company of other people. Having broken up with her is almost like hacking off the roots of a plant. She's confused, hurt and denied her source of emotional nourishment--me. So she's acting out, pouting, whining, crying at almost the drop of a hat, thinking if she throws a tantrum I'll feel sorry for her and take her back.

No. Sorry. It's not going to happen. Love shouldn't be parasitic. I have too much shit going on with my life right now, too many things drawing energy off me. I don't need people who profess to love me sucking away all my emotional and mental stamina.

I broke up with her because she's too childish (sometimes I felt like she was an annoying little sister and not a lover), she's too touchy-feely (while I like sex, when I'm not having sex, I don't wanna be touched) and she's way too clingy/high-maintenance and demanding of my time and energy.

I need freedom of movement. I don't need someone following me around like a puppy dog constantly, or whining about how I haven't spent time with them in forever or what have you. I need someone more like myself, someone who knows that I love and care for them and does not constantly need physical and intimate reminders of that fact. Someone who I can have an intelligent, interesting conversation or debate with, rather than someone who constantly talks to me about shit nobody over the age of ten cares about. Someone who doesn't have the mental self-image of a thirteen year old Japanese schoolboy (and is a 25-year-old woman).

I need an adult.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

The breakup has put her in such a depressive, angry, hate-the-world mood that really I just want her to go away. She doesn't seem to understand that this kind of mood is going to make people not want to be around her, and the more people avoid her because she's in a foul mood, the worse she gets. It's just a chain reaction.

I know that you're pretty much in full "make her go away, I want to get away from her" mode at this point, but by any chance, have you tried to talk to her about this particular mindset (the "Hate-the-world" mood)? I realize it isn't your job to go out of your way to try and snap her out of her funk, but someone needs to pull her aside and seriously talk to her. She's in danger of hurting herself with the way she is right now.

[synaesthetic]

I have been trying to talk sense into her, but it's not working. She's still too broke up over the... breakup. Someone else needs to talk to her.

[zebra]

Originally Posted by DingoEnderZOE2

how important is it for a guy to have their own license and mode of transportation when it comes to dating?

It depends where you and her live. If you live in a place where there are not many other means of transportation and/or she doesn't live around the corner - honestly, a car is a BIG plus.
You also forget that she might have no car either, which would limit the possibilities to meet greatly. It's a bit unromantic, I know but chances drop if it's hard to see each other. And I have to admit that I like it more if the guy picks me up than the other way around. In the course of a relationship it's more a question of convenience, but I just dig gentlemen . I'm a little old fashioned sometimes.
It's not a total no-no, though. In fact I was the one always driving to my ex, because he had no car and I could snatch my parent's whenever. So it's no real issue in my opinion, it's just nice.

Also if you already feel uncomfortable just thinking about letting her drive ...... .

But you know, normally you could also just meet at the place. If no one drives you also have the plus of being able to go for a drink. At least that's what I always do on first dates (the meeting there thing I mean XD).

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'm a little wary of saying anything here considering what happened the last time I responded to one of your posts (), but I will say this: I personally don't think you're wrong, but the problem is that it really depends on the person. Some people like to know that when it's all done, you still care and will be there for them; and some people just won't be happy with that and need to be cut off completely from you.

Yeah, but you don't know which until you give it some effort. Or at least spend some time talking to them. It is much easier to just cut someone off, but as I've said before "If the right thing to do, were always the easy thing to do, we'd live in a near-perfect world."

The person isn't going to go away, so you can't really run from your problems. Well, you can try, at any rate, but that rarely works well.

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

I have been trying to talk sense into her, but it's not working. She's still too broke up over the... breakup. Someone else needs to talk to her.

Going to continue being bluntly honest, take it for what you will.

Having someone else talk to her can help, but remember she is being overemotional and irrational. Most humans in that position are the same way. Each of us thinks we'd act better in a situation where someone we loved dropped us, but the truth is that each one of us would act the same. She feels like you don't care, and cutting her off will confirm it. Or you can prove her wrong.

I love logic, not the least of which is for reasons like this. But despite my focus on logic, I recognize that I can get just as emotional when someone cuts me off; none of us are immune, and so I make it a point to do for others what I would like done for myself. I won't cut someone off if they are hurting, but stick by them until they pull through it. People aren't 100% logical, and rarely will be, if ever.

It's what I would want done for myself, so I offer it to others. It's not an easy road, in fact it's damn hard, but it tends to work out better in the long road. People tend to make bad choices because the short-term effect is good; rarely do people look down the road and consider what could happen, and take the harder choice to prevent that.

Whether cutting her off is the right choice or not, I can't say, as I don't know her personally. Maybe she'll never get better. And it does take effort and hard work to care about someone who doesn't immediately benefit us in some way. I do know cutting her off is a good short-term decision; but is it correct in the long run?

All I can say, is to talk to her and say something like:

"I still care about as a friend, and I'll try to be here for you, but your actions are harming me. That's understandable, because I know I hurt you when I broke up with you. You're angry and upset now, but when you want to rekindle our friendship, I'll be here. In the meantime, I may distance myself some if you continue to do things that hurt me."

There are very few things that get to me nowadays, but one of my biggest is that I do see people easily tossed aside nowadays, as if people don't want to put in the effort needed to help someone who is in a bad way. "They aren't benefiting me anymore, so why should I expend any effort?"

But it does go a long way towards explaining why the world is the way it is: everyone is concerned only about themselves. Very understandable, but it does lead me to my general cynical outlook on life.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by DingoEnderZOE2

how important is it for a guy to have their own license(A goal I'm still trying to accomplish...) and mode of transportation(Car or Motorcycle) when it comes to dating?

Speaking personally, I don't find it very important at all. It certainly helps to have a license and mode of transportation if you're going far, but at the same time there's nothing wrong with walking or biking together; and heck, I have no problem with driving my boyfriend around when he needs a ride.

(Actually, I just realized, I might be doing that since he'll be coming to visit on Fourth of July weekend....)

[GoGetMyShotgun]

I suppose this is the best place to post this.

So I've been going out with this guy for the last seven months. But in the last two months he's been really subservient. He seems to do anything I say or want. I mean I can't get into debates or small arguments without him giving in and letting me be right.
The thing is, he wasn't always like this. We've known each other since childhood and during those times we were on equal standings with each other. I've also talked to him about this and he'll only nod and say "Sorry."

I'm not against him letting me have my way sometimes, but it's really frustrating when I'm the only one in the relationship who seems to have an opinion. I may be overreacting over this but I really want him to actually start standing up for himself.

[Kafriel]

Next time a football match is on, tell him you wanna watch a cooking show. Either push him enough to take initiative, or pay him back with the same coin, he will eventually know what it's like and stop doing it himself.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by GoGetMyShotgun

I suppose this is the best place to post this.

So I've been going out with this guy for the last seven months. But in the last two months he's been really subservient. He seems to do anything I say or want. I mean I can't get into debates or small arguments without him giving in and letting me be right.
The thing is, he wasn't always like this. We've known each other since childhood and during those times we were on equal standings with each other. I've also talked to him about this and he'll only nod and say "Sorry."

I'm not against him letting me have my way sometimes, but it's really frustrating when I'm the only one in the relationship who seems to have an opinion. I may be overreacting over this but I really want him to actually start standing up for himself.

I'm probably asking a question that you've already answered (so sorry about that! ^^;;;;; ), but by any chance have you tried talking to him about this, telling him how it makes you feel? Considering that you two have been friends since childhood, and this only started recently, I imagine you could ask him about it without offending him.

And no, for the record, you aren't overreacting at all; it makes a relationship much harder when you're the only one who seems to have an opinion. You want a relationship where you and your partner are equal, not where only one of you has all the power and the other one is subservient. That's not a healthy relationship for either side.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by SaintessHeart

Asian societies tend to be more judgmental on the overall, save for a few members in it. Safety in numbers and following the crowd is enforced to keep people in check, and people who stand out are branded as weird.

Remember the phrase "A nail that sticks out gets hammered down"? It came from Japan and was pretty much applied in a number of Asian societies. It's a pity that a number of girls are adhering to this : I wish there are more "original" girls around.

Well, I am Asian (actually, more mixed-blood, but one half is indeed Cantonese), yes, I have heard the old saying before. I don't judge people for not conforming to society, but rather applaud them. To judge them would be hypocritical of me, as I would happily walk down my own street wearing my little black bell (hey, I do it all the time ).

In today's society, most people don't bother being individualistic. When they do (like me), they get outcast by all except others who follow the same trend. I find it a bit.....Hitler-esque, since the general public is encouraged to hate on people who don't fit in to what is considered a "normal" society (nee, the modern equivalent of the "Aryan" race).

Originally Posted by Arbitres

Oh well... Being an oddball intentionally or otherwise gets you shunned almost everywhere in the world.

I want oddballs... Sane oddballs. Though should I call tomboys/tsunderes oddball or not?

That pretty much caught my attention. It's hard to actually justify in certain jurisdictions as to what is accepted for normal society and what is not, and in most societies, what most "oddballs" like me do (or plan to do) can and will attract hate. I also find that most schools cannot cater for this, and probably in fact discourage individualism amongst students (by adopting uniforms and strict guidelines as to how they are worn.)

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

The breakup has put her in such a depressive, angry, hate-the-world mood that really I just want her to go away. She doesn't seem to understand that this kind of mood is going to make people not want to be around her, and the more people avoid her because she's in a foul mood, the worse she gets. It's just a chain reaction.

This girl has problems. She's very clingy, very lovey-dovey, but the real problem is she defines her existence by the opinions and company of other people. Having broken up with her is almost like hacking off the roots of a plant. She's confused, hurt and denied her source of emotional nourishment--me. So she's acting out, pouting, whining, crying at almost the drop of a hat, thinking if she throws a tantrum I'll feel sorry for her and take her back.

No. Sorry. It's not going to happen. Love shouldn't be parasitic. I have too much shit going on with my life right now, too many things drawing energy off me. I don't need people who profess to love me sucking away all my emotional and mental stamina.

I broke up with her because she's too childish (sometimes I felt like she was an annoying little sister and not a lover), she's too touchy-feely (while I like sex, when I'm not having sex, I don't wanna be touched) and she's way too clingy/high-maintenance and demanding of my time and energy.

I need freedom of movement. I don't need someone following me around like a puppy dog constantly, or whining about how I haven't spent time with them in forever or what have you. I need someone more like myself, someone who knows that I love and care for them and does not constantly need physical and intimate reminders of that fact. Someone who I can have an intelligent, interesting conversation or debate with, rather than someone who constantly talks to me about shit nobody over the age of ten cares about. Someone who doesn't have the mental self-image of a thirteen year old Japanese schoolboy (and is a 25-year-old woman).

I need an adult.

Hey, some people like that, but it does get a bit problematic. On the other end of the scale are those that don't need it as much, and can get a bit distant.

I sympathise, because admittedly I can get a bit clingy, and I try hardest to hold back (this usually ends in the other end of the scale I mentioned earlier). The problem is that most people need to know that their significant other is there, or else they feel insecure or distant (before I broke up with him, I hadn't had much of any conversation with my ex boyfriend).

I have been in a bad mood like this, where I want others to know I'm upset but want them to leave me alone. It's a stupid, childish mood brought on by my medication and stress. Here, it only takes one person to say the wrong thing (as one of the....well, b**chy girls in my year level did: *in spiteful, sarcastic tone* "Aww....someone looks sad") and I get worse.

I have, however, been comforted in this mood, and it makes a whole lot of difference. If someone persists to stay there regardless of you telling them to "Go away", and actually listens, then I find that the mood starts to fade, and I start to be a bit happy again.

So I probably suggest, even as hard as it may be for you, to talk to her. Tell her what the problem is. If she doesn't listen to you, and insists you dropped her for no reason, then that is a much more pressing matter of childishness that I cannot comprehend, for I am no longer a child.

Spoiler for irrelevant:

(And to the idiot on Formspring, dressing up as a cat does NOT make me any more of a child)

[synaesthetic]

I just feel like, if someone doesn't trust my word, and requires that I show them with physical intimacy... they don't trust me. They need proof. That isn't love, in my opinion.

A lot of the time I just don't want to be bothered. It's nothing personal, but she took it entirely personally.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

A lot of the time I just don't want to be bothered. It's nothing personal, but she took it entirely personally.

This seems to be a pretty big problem in relationships, I've noticed; that one party has times when they don't want to be bothered, or want to be left alone, and the other party takes it way too personally. I wonder why.

[Kaijo]

Everyone is different. Some people like being physically close, and some don't. But there are also those who are willing to change how they approach you, if you talk to them about it first. If you don't talk to someone and tell them straight out how you like things to be, then how are they supposed to know?

I've played way too many guessing games with people, who don't tell me things until long after the point. If you expect me to be a mind-reader, then you have issues, because no one is. And I refuse to play those childish games.

And on the other hand, variety is the spice of life. We're all different, and all relationships, romantic, friendship or otherwise, require compromise. It took me some time, but I learned to delight in differences, or at least adjust my mindset so it no longer bothers me much. It's part of why I can get along with anyone nowadays, as long as they are willing to do the same. ^^

[GoGetMyShotgun]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

Next time a football match is on, tell him you wanna watch a cooking show. Either push him enough to take initiative, or pay him back with the same coin, he will eventually know what it's like and stop doing it himself.

I'll consider it. Next time he's inside all day on a sunny weekend gaming up Call of Duty or something.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'm probably asking a question that you've already answered (so sorry about that! ^^;;;;; ), but by any chance have you tried talking to him about this, telling him how it makes you feel? Considering that you two have been friends since childhood, and this only started recently, I imagine you could ask him about it without offending him.

And no, for the record, you aren't overreacting at all; it makes a relationship much harder when you're the only one who seems to have an opinion. You want a relationship where you and your partner are equal, not where only one of you has all the power and the other one is subservient. That's not a healthy relationship for either side.

I have tried telling him how I feel about it. But he doesn't seem to get it. Like I said, he'll "acknowledge" it and just end up apologizing, which just defeats the purpose of what I was getting across.

I have a feeling that a lot of it has to do with past relationships he's had. The last relationship ended due to him being unable to meet the standards of the girl he dated. So I guess he's trying to compensate for what ruined that relationship. Except his way of going about it is really excessive and unnecessary.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by GoGetMyShotgun

I have a feeling that a lot of it has to do with past relationships he's had. The last relationship ended due to him being unable to meet the standards of the girl he dated. So I guess he's trying to compensate for what ruined that relationship. Except his way of going about it is really excessive and unnecessary.

You'll definitely need to be forceful to him about this, then. It's certainly understandable that he's trying to compensate for a relationship that failed, but you're a different girl from the one he dated before; and from what I've read, what he's trying to do that would have worked with her is the same thing that's starting to frustrate you and drive you away from him.

[Kaijo]

Sometimes, you think you're being direct, but the person isn't seeing it. Guys especially, can be rather dense. You can't be subtle at all about it. Something like:

"You've changed, and aren't the man I fell in love with. I want you back the way you were, and I don't know how to do that. Why are always agreeing with me now? Why have you stopped having your own opinion? I want to help, if I can, and I want the old 'you' back. Because as things stand now, you're pushing me away."

But yeah, it always sucks when the person you care about pushes you away, and won't talk to you. All that time you spent together, cultivating what you thought was a decent relationship, only to have him lose interest.... it's not very fair of him, is it?

But if you want him, you have to let him know he's at risk of losing you. After awhile, people start taking you for granted. Relationships, friend or romantic, require effort. Some people just aren't willing to put in effort, and there's nothing you can do. If he ever cared, he'd put in that effort.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by DingoEnderZOE2

In any case I have a simple question that's been bugging me for years about dating and I don't recall if I asked this already so if I did please bear with me, but how important is it for a guy to have their own license(A goal I'm still trying to accomplish...) and mode of transportation(Car or Motorcycle) when it comes to dating?

For some reason I've always felt that when a guy wants to go on a date or even hang out they should have the ability to come to them on their own instead of having the girl pick them up. And I would always feel so....wrong sitting in the passenger seat whenever I would have a girl come pick me up and take me out to eat or a movie or whatever.

And I would like to know what you guys(or girls preferably) think about this.

I'm a guy. Your feeling is likely based on the stereotypical male role. The male was always expected to be the one in control, and the one to provide for the lady. That means you provide the transport, and you control it.

You can probably find women who expect that, just as you can probably find women (super-feminists?) who would be offended by having that be the case. Of course, you can also find plenty of people that are in-between or who don't care.

I wouldn't say that it's a requirement.

Originally Posted by GoGetMyShotgun

I'm not against him letting me have my way sometimes, but it's really frustrating when I'm the only one in the relationship who seems to have an opinion. I may be overreacting over this but I really want him to actually start standing up for himself.

That's understandable. I'd also worry that in his quest to please you, he'll be ignoring his own desires and needs, and then become resentful - perhaps without realizing his growing feelings of resentment.

There's a lot to consider here, and I'd be interested to know what changed two months ago that brought about this new behavior. Rather than type up an essay, I'll just make a few suggestions. Note that these are made with no background knowledge of you, your boyfriend, or your relationship, so if any of these are completely off then don't be offended:
1) Consider whether you become aggressive toward him or are otherwise down on his opinions. He could be deferring to you partly to avoid friction (or what he may perceive as friction) and/or negativity.

2) Somewhat in line with the above, do something together and have him express his opinions as a means of the activity. For example, let him choose a restaurant to eat at. Don't budge if he defers to you - let him choose. If he's afraid of expressing his opinion, little things like this would be in an effort to show him that his opinions are agreeable to you. It would help him to be more confident in expressing opinions.

3) Openly communicate. Don't just say that it bothers you, say that you're worried about the affect on your relationship. You want him to express his opinions, and you want to know if you're doing something that's bothering him (and that could be the cause of his lack of opinions).

Some people are also just seemingly un-opinionated. My wife often defers to me to make many choices, for example. However, it seems to be more of an exercise in finding her true opinion - often I'll make a decision, and then see that she would have preferred the other option(s). It isn't that she was hiding it from me, but rather than she really didn't have an opinion until a decision was made, and that helped her opinion to form.

It doesn't sound like that's the case with you and your boyfriend, but I just put it out there as something to consider.

[Otaku Emperor]

Planning to ask out this girl I like. But I've never been on a date, so I want a run down on tips, do's and don'ts, etc. (Assuming she says yes.)

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

Planning to ask out this girl I like. But I've never been on a date, so I want a run down on tips, do's and don'ts, etc. (Assuming she says yes.)

Don't call her fat.

But no, seriously, I'm going to say don't worry about it too much. A date can be any number of things, so there's only so many "do's and don'ts" that you can be advised on. My advice is don't worry, relax, and just have fun with it; it's a chance to hang out with someone you like, to get to know her better, so just be yourself and let it all flow.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by Otaku Emperor

Planning to ask out this girl I like. But I've never been on a date, so I want a run down on tips, do's and don'ts, etc. (Assuming she says yes.)

Well don't go running after the first cute girl that passes by, don't comment on that hot chick on the next table, don't tell her that something she's wearing doesn't look good, don't try and go for home base right there on the spot...

I would say to just be normal but depending on the person that could go very wrong (I might be speaking from experience here but I evoke the fifth)