The Genderbending of Haruhi Suzumiya [Spoilers Aplenty]

[Triple_R]

Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane

Best. Scene. Ever.

Thanks a lot! Glad you liked it!

Originally Posted by swtrooper42

Spoiler for Just for fun:

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been much of a morning person. Normally, I’d have a sweet 10-minute grace period between when my alarm goes off and when my brother comes in to kick me awake (the little brute that he is). Hate to say it, but I actually miss having my brother kicking me awake, because here all I have is the mortar shells that are currently going off around my dugout. I’d have to say nothing wakes you up more quickly than the very real threat of impending death exploding all around you.

Later: Command Bunker
Time under bombardment: 5 minutes

“Now here’s the battle plan, that artillery will let up sometime, and when it does the enemy will be right in front of us. So when they get close enough, we’ll open up on them with everything we have! Instant win! Victory is ours!

This was said by, of course, my idiot of a commander, Captain Suzumiya Haruki, who said all this while he motioned out the entire plan using a metal pointer and a map tacked to the wall. He defiantly had the charisma to be an officer, but unfortunately, also had all the tactical capacity of a centipede. Lucky we’re on defensive right now, because his offensive strategy boils down to frontal suicidal charges. We’d all be dead long ago if me and the other non-coms hadn’t rejected his plans outright and gone with something a little more appropriately tactical. Well, everyone but one.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea sir. Truly a plan worthy of the textbooks.”

This kind of sucking up could only have come from my fellow sergeant, Kozumi Itsuko. I don’t really know why she sucks up to the Captain. Maybe she has a thing for him? No idea what she sees in him if she does. Other than the part where she backs up Haruki we get along, mostly.

“Oh, and I’m sure the enemy will be polite enough to sit there and take it.”

“We don’t need your negativity Kyon! Failure is not an option! Anyone who does not do their duty in my brigade will be brought up on disobeying orders! Is that clear?”

Yes your highness. Maybe after this you’d like me to polish your shoes and cook your dinner too?

“Not necessary. Mitsuuru is taking care of that.”

He nodded to the corner of the room where his aide, Asahina Mitsuuru, was nervously looking around and jumping at any nearby explosions. The poor guy looked so out of place and so un-soldier like, I was surprised he had made it through basic training. I always had a bit of a soft spot for him. Probably out of pity of having to serve the Captain, but the way he looked so cute in his uniform might also have influenced my opinion as well. At least he didn’t have to fight at the front with his current job, which I viewed as a good thing because I doubt he would hit anything and he would probably just get in the way in any case.

“Right, you have your orders. Stock up on weapons, ammo, and supplies. Be prepared to move once that artillery is gone.”

Later: Mess Hall
Time under bombardment: 15 minutes

One of the first things I learned when I joined up was always make sure you eat when you get the chance. Not that I had any complaints about that lesson. Bombardments can last a long time, so no use just sitting and waiting around. Unfortunately, all they give us are ration bars that taste like plastic. They say it gives you all the stuff you need to function, but they could at least make them taste better. Oh well, I mused as I walked over to a table. At least it fills you up.

“Hey Nagato, what are you working on?”

The table was currently occupied by Nagato Yuki, the engineer attached to my squad. He’s real quite and expressionless but good at his job. Well, he’s not really quite, you just have to learn how to talk to him and expect short answers in return. Once you have it down you can actually have a conversation, of sorts.

“Trench shotgun. Jamming. Needs cleaning.”

He said all this without looking up from his work. The shotgun lied in its component pieces in front of him. I have a feeling he could put it back together with his eyes closed.

Come to think of it did the shotgun actually jam yet?

“No, but possible”

It may just be me, but I think Nagato enjoys working on weapons more than anything. It’s subtle, but you can see a slight change in him when he works maintenance on anything. It’s calming really. It’s one of the reasons I like to hang around with him when I have the chance.

“Hey Kyon, take it you’re still alive ay?”

Two people sat down on either side of me. One was dark green hair, the other had brown hair in short pigtails. They would be Tsuruya and Kunikida. Tsuruya is in charge of a recon squad is one of the best scouts we have. Kunikida used to be under my command, but was transferred over to recon after Tsuruya snatched her up due to her “scouting potential” and decided to take her under his wing to show her to ropes. I think he has a thing for her. She’s a nice girl, but just doesn't show the initiative needed be more than a private. Personally, I think recon is a good choice for her.

“Through no fault of my own I am still alive Tsuruya. Glad to see you are too.”

“Oh Kyon, looks like you do care about me. You shouldn’t leave someone wondering like that ya know?”

He put an arm around my neck and squished me closer despite my flailing. Let me go! You’re like the Captain sometimes! Nagato continued to work silently on his weapon.

“Now sarge, be nice to Kyon. She’s the same rank as you so you should treat her with a little respect.”

That was Kunikida, trying to keep the peace. At least she’s always levelheaded.

“But she’s so adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to squeeze her more!”

Alright enough already! I shoved Tsuruya with all my strength to no avail. Luckily he let go when something happened. That being my second-in-command sat down across from me.

“Hey Taniguchi. How are you today?” Kunikida inquired.

“Oh fine. Just a little down because I missed the briefing.”

You didn’t miss it, you weren’t invited. Squad leaders only. It’s like that because the Captain doesn’t like any “dead weight” hanging around and crowding up his office. Besides, you just want to go so you can ogle Asahina. That’s classic Taniguchi for you.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re only saying that because you get to go and I don’t”.

Well it is nice to get away occasionally, even if it is to the Captain.

“Man I hate these bunkers. We’re completely helpless in here while we get shelled. Do you know if a shell hits the vent shaft we’ll all be killed instantly?”

Thank you for informing me of that Taniguchi, you’ve made waiting for the shelling to stop that much more bearable.

Suddenly, with those words, the artillery started to lighten up. I looked at my watch. 23 minutes of continuous heavy shells. Short barrage today. Maybe they’re having supply problems over on the other side. I can only hope.

“It’s time.” Tsuruya said, suddenly serious.

We all got up and headed toward to exit to the trenches. Nagato, with his newly reconstructed and cleaned shotgun, looked over my way as we walked.

“Be careful”

I smiled. You too.

Captain Suzumiya dashed ahead of us toward to exit, shouting to everyone as he want.

“Alright troops this is it! Let’s go show the enemy what we’re made off. Time to kick ass and take names! Let them taste the cold feeling of our bullets! Come on men! You wanna live forever?!”

Geez Captain, what cheap combat novels are you reading? I thought that I we rushed toward to light of day and on to battle.

I had fun writing this.

Very nice scene! I like your interpretation of Kyonko, in particular. I think that you had Nagato responding to Kyonko's narration at one point - that's an interesting touch, in that I don't think it's ever happened in the novels/anime (Nagato responding to Kyon narration).

Originally Posted by Aebliss

It's funny, it's funny. ^^; Kyonko and Haruki seem nastier than usual, though, less kind.

I'm glad that you found it funny at least. As for Haruki and Kyonko... I haven't yet read all of the visual novel work that Kaisos has done, but from what I've read so far, it seems to be going on the theory that Haruki's a bit bossier/more delinquent than Haruhi is (Haruki throwing spitballs at Kyonko; openly telling Mitsuruu that he lied to him before trying to force him to crossdress - I can't think of a scene where Haruhi admitted to lying to a fellow SOS Brigade member, or in fact did lie to a fellow SOS Brigade member).

It also seems to be going by the theory that Kyon being very snarky translates into Kyonko being, well, nasty. Honestly, I haven't read a scene yet where Kyonko has struck me as even remotely nice. Being cold to Itsuko... trying to steal Kyon's shoes or telling him to "go to hell!" even after he gives her his shoes... being harsh to Taniguchi (male) and Kunikida (male)... I don't get the feeling that Kyonko is meant to be kind.

I'm fine with the above. It makes sense that a male Haruhi with that added testosterone would be even bossier and nastier. And I can see snarkiness in Kyon translating into nastiness in Kyonko.

So, anyway, I was mainly trying to channel Kaisos' writing when I wrote Kyonko and, to a lesser extent, Haruki (I did take a few more liberties with Haruki, I'll admit).

[Kogetsu Shirogane]

Pretty much the only instance of Kyonko being "nasty" that isn't directly caused by the player(IE: the player actually making her do that) is the part with Kyon. And at that point, I'd say her being irritable is perfectly logical, what with being painfully(yet somehow pleasureful) ripped out of her own world and into his, as well as having to sleep outdoors and being stuck with dirty clothes.

*e* And now I have, as well.

[Triple_R]

Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane

Pretty much the only instance of Kyonko being a bitch that isn't directly caused by the player(IE: the player actually making her do that) is the part with Kyon. And at that point, I'd say her being irritable is perfectly logical, what with being painfully(yet somehow pleasureful) ripped out of her own world and into his, as well as having to sleep outdoors and being stuck with dirty clothes.

Well, I'll read some more, and see what I think of her there.

[otai]

Originally Posted by swtrooper42

Spoiler for Just for fun:

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been much of a morning person. Normally, I’d have a sweet 10-minute grace period between when my alarm goes off and when my brother comes in to kick me awake (the little brute that he is). Hate to say it, but I actually miss having my brother kicking me awake, because here all I have is the mortar shells that are currently going off around my dugout. I’d have to say nothing wakes you up more quickly than the very real threat of impending death exploding all around you.

Later: Command Bunker
Time under bombardment: 5 minutes

“Now here’s the battle plan, that artillery will let up sometime, and when it does the enemy will be right in front of us. So when they get close enough, we’ll open up on them with everything we have! Instant win! Victory is ours!

This was said by, of course, my idiot of a commander, Captain Suzumiya Haruki, who said all this while he motioned out the entire plan using a metal pointer and a map tacked to the wall. He defiantly had the charisma to be an officer, but unfortunately, also had all the tactical capacity of a centipede. Lucky we’re on defensive right now, because his offensive strategy boils down to frontal suicidal charges. We’d all be dead long ago if me and the other non-coms hadn’t rejected his plans outright and gone with something a little more appropriately tactical. Well, everyone but one.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea sir. Truly a plan worthy of the textbooks.”

This kind of sucking up could only have come from my fellow sergeant, Kozumi Itsuko. I don’t really know why she sucks up to the Captain. Maybe she has a thing for him? No idea what she sees in him if she does. Other than the part where she backs up Haruki we get along, mostly.

“Oh, and I’m sure the enemy will be polite enough to sit there and take it.”

“We don’t need your negativity Kyon! Failure is not an option! Anyone who does not do their duty in my brigade will be brought up on disobeying orders! Is that clear?”

Yes your highness. Maybe after this you’d like me to polish your shoes and cook your dinner too?

“Not necessary. Mitsuuru is taking care of that.”

He nodded to the corner of the room where his aide, Asahina Mitsuuru, was nervously looking around and jumping at any nearby explosions. The poor guy looked so out of place and so un-soldier like, I was surprised he had made it through basic training. I always had a bit of a soft spot for him. Probably out of pity of having to serve the Captain, but the way he looked so cute in his uniform might also have influenced my opinion as well. At least he didn’t have to fight at the front with his current job, which I viewed as a good thing because I doubt he would hit anything and he would probably just get in the way in any case.

“Right, you have your orders. Stock up on weapons, ammo, and supplies. Be prepared to move once that artillery is gone.”

Later: Mess Hall
Time under bombardment: 15 minutes

One of the first things I learned when I joined up was always make sure you eat when you get the chance. Not that I had any complaints about that lesson. Bombardments can last a long time, so no use just sitting and waiting around. Unfortunately, all they give us are ration bars that taste like plastic. They say it gives you all the stuff you need to function, but they could at least make them taste better. Oh well, I mused as I walked over to a table. At least it fills you up.

“Hey Nagato, what are you working on?”

The table was currently occupied by Nagato Yuki, the engineer attached to my squad. He’s real quite and expressionless but good at his job. Well, he’s not really quite, you just have to learn how to talk to him and expect short answers in return. Once you have it down you can actually have a conversation, of sorts.

“Trench shotgun. Jamming. Needs cleaning.”

He said all this without looking up from his work. The shotgun lied in its component pieces in front of him. I have a feeling he could put it back together with his eyes closed.

Come to think of it did the shotgun actually jam yet?

“No, but possible”

It may just be me, but I think Nagato enjoys working on weapons more than anything. It’s subtle, but you can see a slight change in him when he works maintenance on anything. It’s calming really. It’s one of the reasons I like to hang around with him when I have the chance.

“Hey Kyon, take it you’re still alive ay?”

Two people sat down on either side of me. One was dark green hair, the other had brown hair in short pigtails. They would be Tsuruya and Kunikida. Tsuruya is in charge of a recon squad is one of the best scouts we have. Kunikida used to be under my command, but was transferred over to recon after Tsuruya snatched her up due to her “scouting potential” and decided to take her under his wing to show her to ropes. I think he has a thing for her. She’s a nice girl, but just doesn't show the initiative needed be more than a private. Personally, I think recon is a good choice for her.

“Through no fault of my own I am still alive Tsuruya. Glad to see you are too.”

“Oh Kyon, looks like you do care about me. You shouldn’t leave someone wondering like that ya know?”

He put an arm around my neck and squished me closer despite my flailing. Let me go! You’re like the Captain sometimes! Nagato continued to work silently on his weapon.

“Now sarge, be nice to Kyon. She’s the same rank as you so you should treat her with a little respect.”

That was Kunikida, trying to keep the peace. At least she’s always levelheaded.

“But she’s so adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to squeeze her more!”

Alright enough already! I shoved Tsuruya with all my strength to no avail. Luckily he let go when something happened. That being my second-in-command sat down across from me.

“Hey Taniguchi. How are you today?” Kunikida inquired.

“Oh fine. Just a little down because I missed the briefing.”

You didn’t miss it, you weren’t invited. Squad leaders only. It’s like that because the Captain doesn’t like any “dead weight” hanging around and crowding up his office. Besides, you just want to go so you can ogle Asahina. That’s classic Taniguchi for you.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re only saying that because you get to go and I don’t”.

Well it is nice to get away occasionally, even if it is to the Captain.

“Man I hate these bunkers. We’re completely helpless in here while we get shelled. Do you know if a shell hits the vent shaft we’ll all be killed instantly?”

Thank you for informing me of that Taniguchi, you’ve made waiting for the shelling to stop that much more bearable.

Suddenly, with those words, the artillery started to lighten up. I looked at my watch. 23 minutes of continuous heavy shells. Short barrage today. Maybe they’re having supply problems over on the other side. I can only hope.

“It’s time.” Tsuruya said, suddenly serious.

We all got up and headed toward to exit to the trenches. Nagato, with his newly reconstructed and cleaned shotgun, looked over my way as we walked.

“Be careful”

I smiled. You too.

Captain Suzumiya dashed ahead of us toward to exit, shouting to everyone as he want.

“Alright troops this is it! Let’s go show the enemy what we’re made off. Time to kick ass and take names! Let them taste the cold feeling of our bullets! Come on men! You wanna live forever?!”

Geez Captain, what cheap combat novels are you reading? I thought that I we rushed toward to light of day and on to battle.

I had fun writing this.

This is very, very good; and the idea brilliant. Also, it made me think of Kyonko and/or Kyon as Blackadder.

[dragon4dudes]

Originally Posted by swtrooper42

Spoiler for Just for fun:

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been much of a morning person. Normally, I’d have a sweet 10-minute grace period between when my alarm goes off and when my brother comes in to kick me awake (the little brute that he is). Hate to say it, but I actually miss having my brother kicking me awake, because here all I have is the mortar shells that are currently going off around my dugout. I’d have to say nothing wakes you up more quickly than the very real threat of impending death exploding all around you.

Later: Command Bunker
Time under bombardment: 5 minutes

“Now here’s the battle plan, that artillery will let up sometime, and when it does the enemy will be right in front of us. So when they get close enough, we’ll open up on them with everything we have! Instant win! Victory is ours!

This was said by, of course, my idiot of a commander, Captain Suzumiya Haruki, who said all this while he motioned out the entire plan using a metal pointer and a map tacked to the wall. He defiantly had the charisma to be an officer, but unfortunately, also had all the tactical capacity of a centipede. Lucky we’re on defensive right now, because his offensive strategy boils down to frontal suicidal charges. We’d all be dead long ago if me and the other non-coms hadn’t rejected his plans outright and gone with something a little more appropriately tactical. Well, everyone but one.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea sir. Truly a plan worthy of the textbooks.”

This kind of sucking up could only have come from my fellow sergeant, Kozumi Itsuko. I don’t really know why she sucks up to the Captain. Maybe she has a thing for him? No idea what she sees in him if she does. Other than the part where she backs up Haruki we get along, mostly.

“Oh, and I’m sure the enemy will be polite enough to sit there and take it.”

“We don’t need your negativity Kyon! Failure is not an option! Anyone who does not do their duty in my brigade will be brought up on disobeying orders! Is that clear?”

Yes your highness. Maybe after this you’d like me to polish your shoes and cook your dinner too?

“Not necessary. Mitsuuru is taking care of that.”

He nodded to the corner of the room where his aide, Asahina Mitsuuru, was nervously looking around and jumping at any nearby explosions. The poor guy looked so out of place and so un-soldier like, I was surprised he had made it through basic training. I always had a bit of a soft spot for him. Probably out of pity of having to serve the Captain, but the way he looked so cute in his uniform might also have influenced my opinion as well. At least he didn’t have to fight at the front with his current job, which I viewed as a good thing because I doubt he would hit anything and he would probably just get in the way in any case.

“Right, you have your orders. Stock up on weapons, ammo, and supplies. Be prepared to move once that artillery is gone.”

Later: Mess Hall
Time under bombardment: 15 minutes

One of the first things I learned when I joined up was always make sure you eat when you get the chance. Not that I had any complaints about that lesson. Bombardments can last a long time, so no use just sitting and waiting around. Unfortunately, all they give us are ration bars that taste like plastic. They say it gives you all the stuff you need to function, but they could at least make them taste better. Oh well, I mused as I walked over to a table. At least it fills you up.

“Hey Nagato, what are you working on?”

The table was currently occupied by Nagato Yuuki, the engineer attached to my squad. He’s real quite and expressionless but good at his job. Well, he’s not really quite, you just have to learn how to talk to him and expect short answers in return. Once you have it down you can actually have a conversation, of sorts.

“Trench shotgun. Jamming. Needs cleaning.”

He said all this without looking up from his work. The shotgun lied in its component pieces in front of him. I have a feeling he could put it back together with his eyes closed.

Come to think of it did the shotgun actually jam yet?

“No, but possible”

It may just be me, but I think Nagato enjoys working on weapons more than anything. It’s subtle, but you can see a slight change in him when he works maintenance on anything. It’s calming really. It’s one of the reasons I like to hang around with him when I have the chance.

“Hey Kyon, take it you’re still alive ay?”

Two people sat down on either side of me. One was dark green hair, the other had brown hair in short pigtails. They would be Tsuruya and Kunikida. Tsuruya is in charge of a recon squad and is one of the best scouts we have. Kunikida used to be under my command, but was transferred over to recon after Tsuruya snatched her up due to her “scouting potential” and decided to take her under his wing to show her the ropes. I think he has a thing for her. She’s a nice girl, but just doesn't show the initiative needed be more than a private. Personally, I think recon is a good choice for her.

“Through no fault of my own I am still alive Tsuruya. Glad to see you are too.”

“Oh Kyon, looks like you do care about me. You shouldn’t leave someone wondering like that ya know?”

He put an arm around my neck and squished me closer despite my flailing. Let me go! You’re like the Captain sometimes! Nagato continued to work silently on his weapon.

“Now sarge, be nice to Kyon. She’s the same rank as you so you should treat her with a little respect.”

That was Kunikida, trying to keep the peace. At least she’s always levelheaded.

“But she’s so adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to squeeze her more!”

Alright enough already! I shoved Tsuruya with all my strength to no avail. Luckily he let go when something happened. That being my second-in-command sat down across from me.

“Hey Taniguchi. How are you today?” Kunikida inquired.

“Oh fine. Just a little down because I missed the briefing.”

You didn’t miss it, you weren’t invited. Squad leaders only. It’s like that because the Captain doesn’t like any “dead weight” hanging around and crowding up his office. Besides, you just want to go so you can ogle Asahina. That’s classic Taniguchi for you.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re only saying that because you get to go and I don’t”.

Well it is nice to get away occasionally, even if it is to the Captain.

“Man I hate these bunkers. We’re completely helpless in here while we get shelled. Do you know if a shell hits the vent shaft we’ll all be killed instantly?”

Thank you for informing me of that Taniguchi, you’ve made waiting for the shelling to stop that much more bearable.

Suddenly, with those words, the artillery started to lighten up. I looked at my watch. 23 minutes of continuous heavy shells. Short barrage today. Maybe they’re having supply problems over on the other side. I can only hope.

“It’s time.” Tsuruya said, suddenly serious.

We all got up and headed toward to exit to the trenches. Nagato, with his newly reconstructed and cleaned shotgun, looked over my way as we walked.

“Be careful”

I smiled. You too.

Captain Suzumiya dashed ahead of us toward to exit, shouting to everyone as he want.

“Alright troops this is it! Let’s go show the enemy what we’re made off. Time to kick ass and take names! Let them taste the cold feeling of our bullets! Come on men! You wanna live forever?!”

Geez Captain, what cheap combat novels are you reading? I thought that I we rushed toward to light of day and on to battle.

I had fun writing this.

That's made of pure win! Just a little typo, were you going for "quiet" instead of "quite"?

[swtrooper42]

Typos fixed. I realized there were a lot in my first draft.

Glad everyone liked it.

[scify]

Originally Posted by Triple_R

It also seems to be going by the theory that Kyon being very snarky translates into Kyonko being, well, nasty. Honestly, I haven't read a scene yet where Kyonko has struck me as even remotely nice. Being cold to Itsuko... trying to steal Kyon's shoes or telling him to "go to hell!" even after he gives her his shoes... being harsh to Taniguchi (male) and Kunikida (male)... I don't get the feeling that Kyonko is meant to be kind.

In Kyonko's defense, it's implied that when she was nasty to Taniguchi and Kunikida she was still experiencing at least residual pain from the transfer; after all, the first thing Itsuko notices when they've crossed is Kyonko "half-bent over in pain, clutching (her) head." While she later says she's fine, that sort of experience would probably put you under a severe amount of mental stress, which tends to translate to being rather short tempered. Added to this, before she can really settle herself, two boys who look vaguely similar to and share names with people she knows show up and won't stop talking to her.

I'd say snapping on them was a perfectly understandable response on her part. Maybe not the right response, but understandable nonetheless.

[wittyusername]

Originally Posted by swtrooper42

Spoiler for Just for fun:

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been much of a morning person. Normally, I’d have a sweet 10-minute grace period between when my alarm goes off and when my brother comes in to kick me awake (the little brute that he is). Hate to say it, but I actually miss having my brother kicking me awake, because here all I have is the mortar shells that are currently going off around my dugout. I’d have to say nothing wakes you up more quickly than the very real threat of impending death exploding all around you.

Later: Command Bunker
Time under bombardment: 5 minutes

“Now here’s the battle plan, that artillery will let up sometime, and when it does the enemy will be right in front of us. So when they get close enough, we’ll open up on them with everything we have! Instant win! Victory is ours!

This was said by, of course, my idiot of a commander, Captain Suzumiya Haruki, who said all this while he motioned out the entire plan using a metal pointer and a map tacked to the wall. He defiantly had the charisma to be an officer, but unfortunately, also had all the tactical capacity of a centipede. Lucky we’re on defensive right now, because his offensive strategy boils down to frontal suicidal charges. We’d all be dead long ago if me and the other non-coms hadn’t rejected his plans outright and gone with something a little more appropriately tactical. Well, everyone but one.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea sir. Truly a plan worthy of the textbooks.”

This kind of sucking up could only have come from my fellow sergeant, Kozumi Itsuko. I don’t really know why she sucks up to the Captain. Maybe she has a thing for him? No idea what she sees in him if she does. Other than the part where she backs up Haruki we get along, mostly.

“Oh, and I’m sure the enemy will be polite enough to sit there and take it.”

“We don’t need your negativity Kyon! Failure is not an option! Anyone who does not do their duty in my brigade will be brought up on disobeying orders! Is that clear?”

Yes your highness. Maybe after this you’d like me to polish your shoes and cook your dinner too?

“Not necessary. Mitsuuru is taking care of that.”

He nodded to the corner of the room where his aide, Asahina Mitsuuru, was nervously looking around and jumping at any nearby explosions. The poor guy looked so out of place and so un-soldier like, I was surprised he had made it through basic training. I always had a bit of a soft spot for him. Probably out of pity of having to serve the Captain, but the way he looked so cute in his uniform might also have influenced my opinion as well. At least he didn’t have to fight at the front with his current job, which I viewed as a good thing because I doubt he would hit anything and he would probably just get in the way in any case.

“Right, you have your orders. Stock up on weapons, ammo, and supplies. Be prepared to move once that artillery is gone.”

Later: Mess Hall
Time under bombardment: 15 minutes

One of the first things I learned when I joined up was always make sure you eat when you get the chance. Not that I had any complaints about that lesson. Bombardments can last a long time, so no use just sitting and waiting around. Unfortunately, all they give us are ration bars that taste like plastic. They say it gives you all the stuff you need to function, but they could at least make them taste better. Oh well, I mused as I walked over to a table. At least it fills you up.

“Hey Nagato, what are you working on?”

The table was currently occupied by Nagato Yuuki, the engineer attached to my squad. He’s real quiet and expressionless but good at his job. Well, he’s not really quiet, you just have to learn how to talk to him and expect short answers in return. Once you have it down you can actually have a conversation, of sorts.

“Trench shotgun. Jamming. Needs cleaning.”

He said all this without looking up from his work. The shotgun lied in its component pieces in front of him. I have a feeling he could put it back together with his eyes closed.

Come to think of it did the shotgun actually jam yet?

“No, but possible”

It may just be me, but I think Nagato enjoys working on weapons more than anything. It’s subtle, but you can see a slight change in him when he works maintenance on anything. It’s calming really. It’s one of the reasons I like to hang around with him when I have the chance.

“Hey Kyon, take it you’re still alive ay?”

Two people sat down on either side of me. One was dark green hair, the other had brown hair in short pigtails. They would be Tsuruya and Kunikida. Tsuruya is in charge of a recon squad and is one of the best scouts we have. Kunikida used to be under my command, but was transferred over to recon after Tsuruya snatched her up due to her “scouting potential” and decided to take her under his wing to show her the ropes. I think he has a thing for her. She’s a nice girl, but just doesn't show the initiative needed be more than a private. Personally, I think recon is a good choice for her.

“Through no fault of my own I am still alive Tsuruya. Glad to see you are too.”

“Oh Kyon, looks like you do care about me. You shouldn’t leave someone wondering like that ya know?”

He put an arm around my neck and squished me closer despite my flailing. Let me go! You’re like the Captain sometimes! Nagato continued to work silently on his weapon.

“Now sarge, be nice to Kyon. She’s the same rank as you so you should treat her with a little respect.”

That was Kunikida, trying to keep the peace. At least she’s always levelheaded.

“But she’s so adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to squeeze her more!”

Alright enough already! I shoved Tsuruya with all my strength to no avail. Luckily he let go when something happened. That being my second-in-command sat down across from me.

“Hey Taniguchi. How are you today?” Kunikida inquired.

“Oh fine. Just a little down because I missed the briefing.”

You didn’t miss it, you weren’t invited. Squad leaders only. It’s like that because the Captain doesn’t like any “dead weight” hanging around and crowding up his office. Besides, you just want to go so you can ogle Asahina. That’s classic Taniguchi for you.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re only saying that because you get to go and I don’t”.

Well it is nice to get away occasionally, even if it is to the Captain.

“Man I hate these bunkers. We’re completely helpless in here while we get shelled. Do you know if a shell hits the vent shaft we’ll all be killed instantly?”

Thank you for informing me of that Taniguchi, you’ve made waiting for the shelling to stop that much more bearable.

Suddenly, with those words, the artillery started to lighten up. I looked at my watch. 23 minutes of continuous heavy shells. Short barrage today. Maybe they’re having supply problems over on the other side. I can only hope.

“It’s time.” Tsuruya said, suddenly serious.

We all got up and headed toward to exit to the trenches. Nagato, with his newly reconstructed and cleaned shotgun, looked over my way as we walked.

“Be careful”

I smiled. You too.

Captain Suzumiya dashed ahead of us toward to exit, shouting to everyone as he want.

“Alright troops this is it! Let’s go show the enemy what we’re made off. Time to kick ass and take names! Let them taste the cold feeling of our bullets! Come on men! You wanna live forever?!”

Geez Captain, what cheap combat novels are you reading? I thought that I we rushed toward to light of day and on to battle.

I had fun writing this.

Originally Posted by Triple_R

Spoiler for Fanfic scene inspired by dragon4dudes:

Mitsuruu was just short enough to look good in a Napoleon Bonaparte costume. While I felt a bit sorry for the poor cute guy, I was also rather relieved that it wasn't me up there acting the idiot for the Lord of Idiots himself...

"Now don't forget, Mitsuruu!" exclaimed a frantically moving, definitive Dumbass of Directors, Haruki Suzumiya, at least as I saw him, "You must keep one hand tucked in under your shirt at all times! Otherwise, your acting performance will not be up to snuff! You must also be firing off the rocket launcher with your free hand while your white steed gallops forward into irresistable victory!"

"B-But what am I to use to keep myself on the horse if both of my hands are taken up like that?!" shouted a very frightened Mitsuruu, fearing that his own Waterloo would soon be upon him... as it likely would be on us all very soon.

"Quite simple, really" answered Haruki, flashing a boastful grin, while standing proudly with hands on his hips, "You must simply use your legs to squeeze and maintain a firm tight grip upon your steed, as though you were a manly man in the throes of passion!"

"Y-You want him to be making sex to a horse?!" I shouted in shocked questioning exasperation, stunned that Haruki could manage to say something at this juncture that would strike me as intolerably insane even after all the time I've shared with him.

"Hey, oddjob girl..." sneered Haruki at me with a displeased dismissive tone, "If I want your opinion, I'll ask you for it... comprende? As long as everybody follows my brilliant and intricate instructions to the letter, then this scene should be a sinch!"

How can we follow anything 'to the letter' when you never even bothered to write up and give us a script, you moron?!

"Now then, this will be the excellent climax to the ultimate war movie!" exclaimed Haruki, pumping a fist with predictable presumptuous triumph into the air, "A climax perfectly devised by me, of course!"

Nobody else but you could devise something so historically inaccurate, and with such a bizarre indiscernible jumble of ideas... so yeah, Haruki, I actually agree with you for a change!

"Is our Katherine tied up to the pole, and prepared to be won in this roaring game of ravishing Russian roulette?" asked Haruki as he turned towards Itsuko, and in a tone so playful that it chilled me to the bone.

"Y-yes" responded a slightly nervous and sweating Itsuko in the attire of a czarina of pre-Communist Russia, "I'm quite eager and excited to make this movie a wonderful wrap, Suzumiya-san!"

"That's good!" responded Haruki, becoming more electrified with his demented machismo by the second.

"Is our warlock Genghis Khan ready to go as well?" then asked Haruki, turning his head towards Nagato in one of the most garish hybrid getups of all-time.

"Yes" Nagato replied quickly but clearly, as he was perched on top of a brown horse, brandishing a sword as though it were a staff, and adorned with a sorcerer's outfit made of fur which reflected Haruki's disorienting conception of what Genghis Khan must have looked like.

Oh, and Nagato was, for some reason, carrying a rocket-propelled grenade launcher as well. Sigh.

"Great!" shouted Haruki, making a big wide smile, and pumping both arms up into the air like he had just won something that was actually worthwhile... but in reality he was likely going to get a Golden Raspberry for this.

"Then, on my mark...!" began Haruki, pulling a deagle gun from the inside of his student jacket, and pointing it directly upwards into the air.

And then, the sound we all were dreading...

"With all the hotblooded manliness that you can both muster up!" he exclaimed, "With ten times ten thousand times normal amounts of testosterone... I order you to attack each other! Unleash the fires of hell on each other! With unrelenting zeal and bulging burgeoning bad assitude... CRUSH EACH OTHER! NOW!!!"

On the overly exclaimed and reverberating in my ears "NOW!!!", Haruki shot the deagle gun off into the air.

And here was the culmination of a weekend's worth of scheming farmers out of their horses in return to loaning Mitsuruu to them to do laborious farm work... which was then filmed as a lead-up to this scene. Oh, and it was also the culmination of Haruki's bewildering plot direction in general.

Nagato's horse sprinted forward towards Mitsuruu's with out much difficulty, and Nagato leaned over in a rather gallant pose, I had to admit. Mitsuruu, on the other hand...

"Sloooooww Dooowwnnn!!!" cried our pitiable little Napolean, as his dainty legs were barely sufficient to hold on to his galloping horse, and the wind pushed his body backwards at what looked like a very painful angle.

And then he discharged his rocket launcher into the air... directly upwards into the air instead of at Nagato as Haruki's 'script', and I use the term loosely, had directed.

I could see that this would indeed be a fine spectacle... just not the spectacle that our foolishly fearless leader wanted.

I just hoped that Mitsuruu wouldn't be hurt too much because of this...

Both of these are ridiculously awesome.

I already gave away my bedazzled chainsaw and chrome-plated accordion, so I don't know what to give out. Uh...One of the prizes available is a horse with blank CDs stapled to it, but the horse is actually made of solid brass and Hitagi was the one who stapled the CDs onto it. I don't know how staples can go through brass, though. The other prize someone can take is a flock of geese, but each goose is tied to one of those "get well soon" foil balloons. And...I don't know. Maybe these geese are special and can somehow avoid shitting on everything. Or maybe they can make staples that work on solid brass, or maybe the balloons are also made of solid brass. These are pretty much the worst prizes ever, if they even qualify for that name. I'm sorry.

[Triple_R]

Originally Posted by scify

In Kyonko's defense, it's implied that when she was nasty to Taniguchi and Kunikida she was still experiencing at least residual pain from the transfer; after all, the first thing Itsuko notices when they've crossed is Kyonko "half-bent over in pain, clutching (her) head." While she later says she's fine, that sort of experience would probably put you under a severe amount of mental stress, which tends to translate to being rather short tempered. Added to this, before she can really settle herself, two boys who look vaguely similar to and share names with people she knows show up and won't stop talking to her.

I'd say snapping on them was a perfectly understandable response on her part. Maybe not the right response, but understandable nonetheless.

I wasn't aware of the residual pain factor. I can see that making a person legitimately more irritable and likely to snap, yeah.

Originally Posted by wittyusername

Both of these are ridiculously awesome.

Thanks a lot!

I already gave away my bedazzled chainsaw and chrome-plated accordion, so I don't know what to give out. Uh...One of the prizes available is a horse with blank CDs stapled to it, but the horse is actually made of solid brass and Hitagi was the one who stapled the CDs onto it. I don't know how staples can go through brass, though. The other prize someone can take is a flock of geese, but each goose is tied to one of those "get well soon" foil balloons. And...I don't know. Maybe these geese are special and can somehow avoid shitting on everything. Or maybe they can make staples that work on solid brass, or maybe the balloons are also made of solid brass. These are pretty much the worst prizes ever, if they even qualify for that name. I'm sorry.

I'll take the solid brass horse with blank CDs tied to it, then!

Saying "Hitagi herself touched these CDs!" should make them incredibly expensive Collector's Items over E-Bay or Amazon.

Solid brass horse can probably be broken down and turned into a nice brass instrument ensemble.

[Tyabann]

Despite you guys justifying the things she does, Kyonko is normally rather a bitch anyway.

Mostly because there isn't a single day that something bad doesn't happen to her.

Poor Kyonko.

[ClockWorkAngel]

MEN OF TANITH SEITENKAN DO YOU WISH TO LIVE FOREVER?!

Nice stuff sw XD

[Solais]

Those war stories upward are great. Though I somehow imagine Haruki wanting a Rocked Propelled Chainsaw Launcher instead of a plain ol' rocket launcher. I mean that's a more over-the-top coolness. Not that Warlock Genghis Khan with a Rocket Launcher is not over-the-top cool.
Or with a minigun.

[Heatth]

Originally Posted by swtrooper42

Spoiler for Just for fun:

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been much of a morning person. Normally, I’d have a sweet 10-minute grace period between when my alarm goes off and when my brother comes in to kick me awake (the little brute that he is). Hate to say it, but I actually miss having my brother kicking me awake, because here all I have is the mortar shells that are currently going off around my dugout. I’d have to say nothing wakes you up more quickly than the very real threat of impending death exploding all around you.

Later: Command Bunker
Time under bombardment: 5 minutes

“Now here’s the battle plan, that artillery will let up sometime, and when it does the enemy will be right in front of us. So when they get close enough, we’ll open up on them with everything we have! Instant win! Victory is ours!

This was said by, of course, my idiot of a commander, Captain Suzumiya Haruki, who said all this while he motioned out the entire plan using a metal pointer and a map tacked to the wall. He defiantly had the charisma to be an officer, but unfortunately, also had all the tactical capacity of a centipede. Lucky we’re on defensive right now, because his offensive strategy boils down to frontal suicidal charges. We’d all be dead long ago if me and the other non-coms hadn’t rejected his plans outright and gone with something a little more appropriately tactical. Well, everyone but one.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea sir. Truly a plan worthy of the textbooks.”

This kind of sucking up could only have come from my fellow sergeant, Kozumi Itsuko. I don’t really know why she sucks up to the Captain. Maybe she has a thing for him? No idea what she sees in him if she does. Other than the part where she backs up Haruki we get along, mostly.

“Oh, and I’m sure the enemy will be polite enough to sit there and take it.”

“We don’t need your negativity Kyon! Failure is not an option! Anyone who does not do their duty in my brigade will be brought up on disobeying orders! Is that clear?”

Yes your highness. Maybe after this you’d like me to polish your shoes and cook your dinner too?

“Not necessary. Mitsuuru is taking care of that.”

He nodded to the corner of the room where his aide, Asahina Mitsuuru, was nervously looking around and jumping at any nearby explosions. The poor guy looked so out of place and so un-soldier like, I was surprised he had made it through basic training. I always had a bit of a soft spot for him. Probably out of pity of having to serve the Captain, but the way he looked so cute in his uniform might also have influenced my opinion as well. At least he didn’t have to fight at the front with his current job, which I viewed as a good thing because I doubt he would hit anything and he would probably just get in the way in any case.

“Right, you have your orders. Stock up on weapons, ammo, and supplies. Be prepared to move once that artillery is gone.”

Later: Mess Hall
Time under bombardment: 15 minutes

One of the first things I learned when I joined up was always make sure you eat when you get the chance. Not that I had any complaints about that lesson. Bombardments can last a long time, so no use just sitting and waiting around. Unfortunately, all they give us are ration bars that taste like plastic. They say it gives you all the stuff you need to function, but they could at least make them taste better. Oh well, I mused as I walked over to a table. At least it fills you up.

“Hey Nagato, what are you working on?”

The table was currently occupied by Nagato Yuuki, the engineer attached to my squad. He’s real quiet and expressionless but good at his job. Well, he’s not really quiet, you just have to learn how to talk to him and expect short answers in return. Once you have it down you can actually have a conversation, of sorts.

“Trench shotgun. Jamming. Needs cleaning.”

He said all this without looking up from his work. The shotgun lied in its component pieces in front of him. I have a feeling he could put it back together with his eyes closed.

Come to think of it did the shotgun actually jam yet?

“No, but possible”

It may just be me, but I think Nagato enjoys working on weapons more than anything. It’s subtle, but you can see a slight change in him when he works maintenance on anything. It’s calming really. It’s one of the reasons I like to hang around with him when I have the chance.

“Hey Kyon, take it you’re still alive ay?”

Two people sat down on either side of me. One was dark green hair, the other had brown hair in short pigtails. They would be Tsuruya and Kunikida. Tsuruya is in charge of a recon squad and is one of the best scouts we have. Kunikida used to be under my command, but was transferred over to recon after Tsuruya snatched her up due to her “scouting potential” and decided to take her under his wing to show her the ropes. I think he has a thing for her. She’s a nice girl, but just doesn't show the initiative needed be more than a private. Personally, I think recon is a good choice for her.

“Through no fault of my own I am still alive Tsuruya. Glad to see you are too.”

“Oh Kyon, looks like you do care about me. You shouldn’t leave someone wondering like that ya know?”

He put an arm around my neck and squished me closer despite my flailing. Let me go! You’re like the Captain sometimes! Nagato continued to work silently on his weapon.

“Now sarge, be nice to Kyon. She’s the same rank as you so you should treat her with a little respect.”

That was Kunikida, trying to keep the peace. At least she’s always levelheaded.

“But she’s so adorable when she panics like that. It makes me want to squeeze her more!”

Alright enough already! I shoved Tsuruya with all my strength to no avail. Luckily he let go when something happened. That being my second-in-command sat down across from me.

“Hey Taniguchi. How are you today?” Kunikida inquired.

“Oh fine. Just a little down because I missed the briefing.”

You didn’t miss it, you weren’t invited. Squad leaders only. It’s like that because the Captain doesn’t like any “dead weight” hanging around and crowding up his office. Besides, you just want to go so you can ogle Asahina. That’s classic Taniguchi for you.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re only saying that because you get to go and I don’t”.

Well it is nice to get away occasionally, even if it is to the Captain.

“Man I hate these bunkers. We’re completely helpless in here while we get shelled. Do you know if a shell hits the vent shaft we’ll all be killed instantly?”

Thank you for informing me of that Taniguchi, you’ve made waiting for the shelling to stop that much more bearable.

Suddenly, with those words, the artillery started to lighten up. I looked at my watch. 23 minutes of continuous heavy shells. Short barrage today. Maybe they’re having supply problems over on the other side. I can only hope.

“It’s time.” Tsuruya said, suddenly serious.

We all got up and headed toward to exit to the trenches. Nagato, with his newly reconstructed and cleaned shotgun, looked over my way as we walked.

“Be careful”

I smiled. You too.

Captain Suzumiya dashed ahead of us toward to exit, shouting to everyone as he want.

“Alright troops this is it! Let’s go show the enemy what we’re made off. Time to kick ass and take names! Let them taste the cold feeling of our bullets! Come on men! You wanna live forever?!”

Geez Captain, what cheap combat novels are you reading? I thought that I we rushed toward to light of day and on to battle.

I had fun writing this.

Awesome story too. But I felt kinda disapointed. You showed every character, including T&K, exept Ryou I was kinda waiting seeing he with a sniper.


About Kyonko. Well, it is not like he is a kind nice guy. He is nice to girls (exept Haruhi) and not so much to guys (not really a jerk, but boardline).

[Aebliss]

Previous instalment:

Spoiler for Suzumiya Haruki no Setsubun, part 19. 'The End is Getting Closer':

After class, Haruki dragged me off to the clubroom and sat me down at the table before anyone else even got there. Wait, since when is Nagato not already waiting for the rest of us to arrive?

Gradually, the rest of the SOS-dan trickles into the room. Nagato's expression was unreadable as usual, and he immediately seized a book and started reading. Itsuko smiled impishly when she saw Haruki abusing my hair, and set up a go board. When Asahina-sempai came in and just stood there looking dumbfounded, she gently guided him to the seat opposite hers and asked him to play against her.

Hey, I'll play you! Right here! Just tag me out of this situation first, will you?

...

No? Great. That's just super, really.

Haruki kept tugging and twisting on my hair, the others kept doing nothing to alleviate my suffering. The only noises were the clicking of game pieces on the go board, the soft rustling of book pages, and Haruki muttering about ways he could ‘improve my new look’.

It was pretty warm, and I was bored out of my mind. Hey, Haruki. Don’t you know a proper hairdresser is supposed to talk to their customer a little? Then again, you probably cut your own hair, don’t you? My eyelids started to droop, and Haruki chastised me several times about nodding my head when he wanted me to keep it still.

I nodded off. And found myself back on stage. To my left, I saw Itsuko, dressed like a ballet dancer. Her lips were curved in a Mona Lisa smile, her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be asleep despite the fact that she was slowly, gracefully turning pirouettes. To my right, I saw Nagato, though I could only recognize him by his posture and his stillness. He was wearing full body armour, like the samurai of old. He was holding a halberd with both ends, as if he were guarding something.

In front of me, there were the seats for the audience. There were more people out there now. I could dimly see there were men and women, and I could hear them munching on popcorn and slurping sodas. Quite a few of the men wore black three-piece suits, or so they looked at the time, though kimonos were also in plentiful supply among the audience. Rather disturbingly, I also spotted a handful of tiger skin loincloths and wraps.

“Um,” I said, and flinched at the sound of my own voice, which drowned out the noises of contented snacking. I tried again: “Uh, please be patient. I still have two more days before Sunday, and I, uh, I want to make this a great performance. So … please bear with us and we’ll … we’ll do our best.”

A single pair of hands started to applaud as soon as I stopped talking. Other hands picked it up; I could see them moving, fluttering like captive birds. The noise rose to fill the whole dream theatre, then rose until I was sure it should break the room open. And then it grew even louder, bringing me screaming to my knees with my hands pressed against my ears. Louder, making my eyeballs throb and my eardrums pop. I could feel blood running over my hands, couldn’t hear myself scream anymore. Nagato shattered and burst into fragments like a broken vase. Itsuko leaped up high and erupted into a cloud of blood. I woke up screaming.

“Kyon! Kyon, calm down!”

There were hands on my shoulders, holding me up though my legs seemed to have turned into rubber. The next moment, there were arms around me and someone was holding me. Voices rose in a babble that I couldn’t make sense of. For a moment, I thought I was actually in the theatre, and I went rigid with terror.

“Calm down, calm down,” someone whispered in my ear. “You’re okay, it was just a bad dream.”

Wait. Whoa. Okay. I’m not dreaming. So who is holding me?

“Kyon-chan, are you alright?” I heard Asahina-sempai ask. I could practically see him wringing his hands.

I’m feeling fine, even if my nap wasn’t all that restful. Just need to pry my eyes open. Alright, this is not much of an improvement. Haruki, you have a stain on your collar that needs to be cleaned.

“Oh, do I?” Haruki asked, releasing me enough so he could look down at his shirt. “Huh. Guess I’ll throw it in the laundry tonight. So, what happened?”

“Bad dream,” I replied curtly. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve been having them for the past few days – ulp!”

What’s with you hugging me again? Let go, you lummox!

“Hey, if you’re not sleeping right, you should’ve told me,” Haruki chided me. “I would’ve given you a scalp massage while I was at it.”

“Per – perhaps I could make you some nice, soothing tea?” Asahina-sempai suggested shyly.

“All fine suggestions,” Itsuko said, “but perhaps we should start by giving her some space and a chair …?”

Apparently I’d suddenly screamed, then jumped off my chair, overturning it, and then started to fall. Haruki caught me before I hit the floor. You have my appreciation. Now let go, please?

A few minutes later, I was sitting in a new chair, with a cup of Asahina-san’s fragrant tea in front of me. For some inscrutable reason, Itsuko’s cardigan was wrapped around my shoulders like a shawl. Why do you even bother to bring that thing to school when it’s this warm? For even more inscrutable reasons, Haruki was massaging my head. I must admit that it didn’t feel unpleasant, but I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about it.

“Just relax and let me work,” Haruki boasted. “When I’m done, you’ll sleep like a baby, with no more nightmares for the rest of your life. You have my personal money-back guarantee! In fact, someone may have to carry you home after I’ve finished. Mitsuuru, I volunteer you for that task. If you’re a man, you should be able to carry a woman for a city block or two.”

I would be more impressed if I were paying you. Then again, if I were paying you, I’d probably lose a bundle. Where do you learn this stuff, anyway?

“This is very good tea,” Itsuko complimented Asahina-sempai’s fragrant donation to my night’s rest. “But I think it would be even better with some … cookies, perhaps?”

“Mitsuuru, you got any?” Haruki demanded. “No, never mind. I’ll go raid the cooking club. Hang tight!” He patted me on the head and bolted out the door.

Hm. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m kind of sorry that the massage ended so soon. Isn’t it odd how you sometimes don’t notice all the little tensions and things until they go away?

Itsuko sat down opposite me, and watched me over her steepled fingers. “What just happened?” she asked me, her smile a small thing, lost amid the seriousness on the rest of her face.

“I had a bad dream,” I protested, starting to untangle myself from the cardigan wrapped around my shoulders. “That’s all. Like I told Haruki, I’ve been having them for the past few days.”

“Please drink your tea,” Asahina-sempai encouraged me. “It’s a family recipe, guaranteed to give you a good night’s rest.”

So this is a recipe from the future? Fascinating. If I were more of a tea aficionado, this would probably be the highlight of the year. As I am ‘merely’ an admirer of the culinary creations of one Asahina Mitsuuru, I can only sigh in contentment as I savoured the fragrant fumes rising from my cup. Or I could, until a hand suddenly snatched away my cup.

“Wh – what are you doing?” Asahina-san spluttered, looking somewhere halfway between outraged and shocked.

Nagato did not reply, but sipped from my cup. He paused for a few seconds, then returned the cup to me. “Beverage analyzed,” was all he would say.

“Nagato,” I protested, “you don’t think that Asahina-san would do anything to hurt me? I mean, come on! It’s Asahina-san!”

“…”

Nagato just looked at me, saying nothing.

“Nagato-san is concerned,” Itsuko stated the obvious. “We are all concerned. So please tell the truth. What just happened? And hurry, before Suzumiya-san returns.”

Reluctantly, I told them the contents of my dream. Asahina-san’s eyes widened, but he responded with aplomb: “Well, that certainly sounds like a scary dream, but at least it was nothing more than that. A dream.”

“I am afraid I must disagree with you, Asahina-san,” Itsuko said, her smile still lost and alone in a harsh, harsh world. Behind her eyes, I could practically see the wheels turning. “I think we should all assist you in getting the ritual ready,” she told me. “Post haste.”

Thank you for your consideration. You already agreed to help me, however.

“And I stand by my offer, of course,” Itsuko said, waving my comment away. “However, you need to gather more people than just I. I believe we should accelerate the selection process.”

Hold on, just because I’m having scary dreams doesn’t mean you can just step in and –

“Yes, it does,” Itsuko contradicted me – and suddenly smiled again. “Because we are all in trouble if Makuro-san decides to abandon her post. And of course we would all miss you if you were devoured in your sleep. At least one hopes Makuro-san would be kind enough to kill you in your sleep, rather than having you go through the devouring process awake.”

“Um, this is really very silly,” Asahina-san weakly protested. “Performing some fairytale song and dance is not going to actually change anything …”

“Asahina-sempai, I value your input,” Itsuko told Asahina-san gravely, “but in this case, I must be adamant. You can not persuade me. Rather, I would like to make use of your connections.”

Asahina-san’s eyes fairly bulged, and he glanced hurriedly between Nagato and Koizumi. “Um, I, no,” he stammered. “I was already scolded for agreeing to Nagato-san’s request – I mean – I can not make contact with the future for you, Koizumi-chan, I –”

“It is a contemporary contact of yours that I wish to tap, Asahina-san,” Itsuko said, waving away our diminutive sempai’s objections. “To be specific, I would like to have you invite Tsuruya-san to the cafeteria after school tomorrow, so we can talk to him.”

She flashed me a brilliant smile. “One of the requirements is someone who can stand in for a priest, correct? Tsuruya-san is a well-educated, well-bred young man, I am sure he can perform the part required with consummate skill.”

You’re determined to take over the preparations of the ritual, just because I had a nightmare?

“Before, we had to contend with just two Oni,” Itsuko replied, “and we barely made it out alive because one of them was insane and open to the idea of bargaining to feed her addiction. If your dream is even a shadow of the truth, the upcoming events are drawing the attention of numerous Oni, and they are growing impatient waiting for the performance. Given these circumstances, I feel we should make all possible haste. Nagato-san, do you concur?”

“Agreed,” Nagato replied, fixing me with an expressionless stare.

“Wait minute, guys,” I protested weakly. “I can take care of this …”

“Have you already secured the two other female roles?” Itsuko demanded.

Well, those were never really in question. I mean, who else was I going to talk to?

“But have you thought of a plausible excuse to give to them yet?” Itsuko demanded. “I did not think so. For someone who should be perfectly well aware of the possible consequences of failure, you have been acting in a somewhat listless manner, which I find to be quite unlike you.”

Is this supposed to be a snipe at my personality? But no, I must concede your point. Why haven’t I been giving this more thought?

“Quite possibly the disturbance of your sleep has been preventing you from acting at your full potential,” Itsuko politely suggested.

I’d like to believe you, but I can’t let myself off the hook quite that easily. Very well, time to seize the reins of my fate once again. Determined, I seized my teacup and drained it in one gulp.

“The people I would like to ask to fill the last two female roles,” I announced, “will probably be willing to help out if we have a halfway likely story to tell them.”

“Tsuruya-san is an excellent choice to be the priest of this little play,” Itsuko said, smiling in a determined fashion as she leaned forward to stare me in the eye. “And he possesses a most agreeable nature, which makes him doubly excellent. No backtalk, please.”

Fine, no backtalk, but you? Back off. Your face is too close.

“The final part is also easy to fill,” I said. “Asahina-sempai, would you -?”

“Would I what?” Asahina-san asked, eyes wide as he looked between the other people in the room, clearly astonished. “What do you want me to do?”

“Would you,” Itsuko smoothly cut in, “prepare a special feast for the little festival we are to hold this coming Sunday? The festivities will be held on the roof of the Old Shack, which I believe fits all requirements that the ritual text describes for the final stage.”

“But … We’re really going to hold this silly fairytale ritual?” Asahina-san pleaded. “Please, can’t any of you see how childish this is?”

“You surprise me, Asahina-sempai,” Itsuko exclaimed, briskly clapping her hands together. “Have you never heard of psychosomatic phenomena? As long as our dear friend is, at one level or another, convinced that a fiendish creature will come and devour her if she does not perform this ceremony, she is in danger of her own mind killing her. If, however, we do this one simple thing, the enemy from within is defeated – at a very low cost, I might add. So, will you not assist us?”

“I … well,” Asahina-san stammered, glancing between Koizumi and me.

Maybe you doubt the effectiveness of a ritual to combat psychosomatic phenomena when said ritual is being discussed in the presence of the one supposedly suffering from said phenomena? Don’t worry about it, Asahina-sempai. Just go with the flow on this one.

“Well … I don’t mind cooking,” Asahina-san finally agreed.

“Excellent!” Itsuko enthused, and started to gently push Asahina-san to the door. “Now, will you please go and see what is taking Suzumiya-san? I am starting to get a bit peckish.”

Barely had she shoved the uncomfortable-looking sempai out the door, or Itsuko returned to face me.

“I do not think the Oni would be very amused by a participant who stopped halfway just to show us nothing bad can happen if you do not perform a ‘fairytale ritual’ to the letter, do you?” she asked me.

You … may be right. Still, he seemed perfect for the final part, the one of –

“I believe another candidate exists for that part,” Itsuko said, smiling at me like a fox which has just spotted a fat chicken going for a stroll through the deep, dark forest. “And of course I am sure we can count on Nagato-san to arrange privacy and security for the ritual?”

“Affirmative,” Nagato replied.

“Good, excellent,” Itsuko enthused, “then let us –”

“The Integrated Thought Data Entity now wishes for the Oni entities to be removed from the equation as well,” Nagato suddenly volunteered. “There is agreement.”

“Please forgive me,” Itsuko said after a moment’s hesitation, “if I tell you I find that ominous.”

Nagato blinked once, but did not comment.

I also didn’t comment. But I had to agree with Itsuko on this one. Far too many people are in agreement over this. I should have been taking this matter more seriously. And so help me, I am going to start taking it seriously right now.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialled a number. The phone rang a few times, then someone picked up.

“Taniguchi?” I said. “Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I need to talk to you and Kunikida about something. There’s a … play I’m putting together. I’d like the two of you to play two of the starring roles, how does that sound? Yes, Asahina-sempai is going to be there. It looks like Tsuruya-san might be there as well, and Nagato certainly will be. Great, when can we meet to talk about this? Yes. Yes, in an hour at my place will be just fine.”

Next instalment.

As usual, I would appreciate your comments immensely. ^^

[Tyabann]

Off-the-current-topic:

Another "Lol Itsuko theorizing" scene is coming up in the VN... due to the responses last time, I thought I'd ask:

What random, yet relevant theories do you want to hear Itsuko spout out, for those who have been paying attention? Anything else you want to hear?

This is the Seitenkan Brigade's "We're Stuck in Another World, what the fuck is going on Meeting" so I'd love the help, if possible.

[Aebliss]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Off-the-current-topic:

Another "Lol Itsuko theorizing" scene is coming up in the VN... due to the responses last time, I thought I'd ask:

What random, yet relevant theories do you want to hear Itsuko spout out, for those who have been paying attention? Anything else you want to hear?

This is the Seitenkan Brigade's "We're Stuck in Another World, what the fuck is going on Meeting" so I'd love the help, if possible.

Um. How about 'the current situation we find ourselves in is due to Suzumiya-san's sudden interest in the different thought processes of man and woman. He is now curious how his life would be different if he were a woman, so a female version of him has come to exist by virtue of his power. Only, because this is truly a female version of Suzumiya-san, she has access to the same power he does, and has created a world around herself which is a reflection of Suzumiya-san's. But since ultimately the power springs from our Suzumiya-san, this is an unbalanced creation, with the divine power like the rope in a game of tug-of-war. As the power flows, so too are people drawn along with it, possibly in an effort to achieve reality in this new world. Or possibly Suzumiya-san's sunconscious is actively sending us here, relying on us to solve this imbalance. The Organization exists, after all, to safeguard Suzumiya-san's state of mind and the real world from which we came.'

Something like that? Li'l sleepy. ^^;

[besieger]

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Go on, I dare you.

[Heatth]

Originally Posted by Aebliss

Um. How about 'the current situation we find ourselves in is due to Suzumiya-san's sudden interest in the different thought processes of man and woman. He is now curious how his life would be different if he were a woman, so a female version of him has come to exist by virtue of his power. Only, because this is truly a female version of Suzumiya-san, she has access to the same power he does, and has created a world around herself which is a reflection of Suzumiya-san's. But since ultimately the power springs from our Suzumiya-san, this is an unbalanced creation, with the divine power like the rope in a game of tug-of-war. As the power flows, so too are people drawn along with it, possibly in an effort to achieve reality in this new world. Or possibly Suzumiya-san's sunconscious is actively sending us here, relying on us to solve this imbalance. The Organization exists, after all, to safeguard Suzumiya-san's state of mind and the real world from which we came.'

Something like that? Li'l sleepy. ^^;

Heh I liked this one. Though Itsuko would also open the possibility of being the other way (Suzumiya(f) creating Suzumiya(m)).

[scify]

Personally, I'm all for a further discussion of Jungian archetypes.

Also, I imagine at least Itsuko would bring up the concern of what Haruhi would do if they all suddenly vanished... Lots of room for theorizing there.

[Solais]

Originally Posted by Aebliss

Previous instalment:

Spoiler for Suzumiya Haruki no Setsubun, part 19. 'The End is Getting Closer':

After class, Haruki dragged me off to the clubroom and sat me down at the table before anyone else even got there. Wait, since when is Nagato not already waiting for the rest of us to arrive?

Gradually, the rest of the SOS-dan trickles into the room. Nagato's expression was unreadable as usual, and he immediately seized a book and started reading. Itsuko smiled impishly when she saw Haruki abusing my hair, and set up a go board. When Asahina-sempai came in and just stood there looking dumbfounded, she gently guided him to the seat opposite hers and asked him to play against her.

Hey, I'll play you! Right here! Just tag me out of this situation first, will you?

...

No? Great. That's just super, really.

Haruki kept tugging and twisting on my hair, the others kept doing nothing to alleviate my suffering. The only noises were the clicking of game pieces on the go board, the soft rustling of book pages, and Haruki muttering about ways he could ‘improve my new look’.

It was pretty warm, and I was bored out of my mind. Hey, Haruki. Don’t you know a proper hairdresser is supposed to talk to their customer a little? Then again, you probably cut your own hair, don’t you? My eyelids started to droop, and Haruki chastised me several times about nodding my head when he wanted me to keep it still.

I nodded off. And found myself back on stage. To my left, I saw Itsuko, dressed like a ballet dancer. Her lips were curved in a Mona Lisa smile, her eyes were closed, and she seemed to be asleep despite the fact that she was slowly, gracefully turning pirouettes. To my right, I saw Nagato, though I could only recognize him by his posture and his stillness. He was wearing full body armour, like the samurai of old. He was holding a halberd with both ends, as if he were guarding something.

In front of me, there were the seats for the audience. There were more people out there now. I could dimly see there were men and women, and I could hear them munching on popcorn and slurping sodas. Quite a few of the men wore black three-piece suits, or so they looked at the time, though kimonos were also in plentiful supply among the audience. Rather disturbingly, I also spotted a handful of tiger skin loincloths and wraps.

“Um,” I said, and flinched at the sound of my own voice, which drowned out the noises of contented snacking. I tried again: “Uh, please be patient. I still have two more days before Sunday, and I, uh, I want to make this a great performance. So … please bear with us and we’ll … we’ll do our best.”

A single pair of hands started to applaud as soon as I stopped talking. Other hands picked it up; I could see them moving, fluttering like captive birds. The noise rose to fill the whole dream theatre, then rose until I was sure it should break the room open. And then it grew even louder, bringing me screaming to my knees with my hands pressed against my ears. Louder, making my eyeballs throb and my eardrums pop. I could feel blood running over my hands, couldn’t hear myself scream anymore. Nagato shattered and burst into fragments like a broken vase. Itsuko leaped up high and erupted into a cloud of blood. I woke up screaming.

“Kyon! Kyon, calm down!”

There were hands on my shoulders, holding me up though my legs seemed to have turned into rubber. The next moment, there were arms around me and someone was holding me. Voices rose in a babble that I couldn’t make sense of. For a moment, I thought I was actually in the theatre, and I went rigid with terror.

“Calm down, calm down,” someone whispered in my ear. “You’re okay, it was just a bad dream.”

Wait. Whoa. Okay. I’m not dreaming. So who is holding me?

“Kyon-chan, are you alright?” I heard Asahina-sempai ask. I could practically see him wringing his hands.

I’m feeling fine, even if my nap wasn’t all that restful. Just need to pry my eyes open. Alright, this is not much of an improvement. Haruki, you have a stain on your collar that needs to be cleaned.

“Oh, do I?” Haruki asked, releasing me enough so he could look down at his shirt. “Huh. Guess I’ll throw it in the laundry tonight. So, what happened?”

“Bad dream,” I replied curtly. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve been having them for the past few days – ulp!”

What’s with you hugging me again? Let go, you lummox!

“Hey, if you’re not sleeping right, you should’ve told me,” Haruki chided me. “I would’ve given you a scalp massage while I was at it.”

“Per – perhaps I could make you some nice, soothing tea?” Asahina-sempai suggested shyly.

“All fine suggestions,” Itsuko said, “but perhaps we should start by giving her some space and a chair …?”

Apparently I’d suddenly screamed, then jumped off my chair, overturning it, and then started to fall. Haruki caught me before I hit the floor. You have my appreciation. Now let go, please?

A few minutes later, I was sitting in a new chair, with a cup of Asahina-san’s fragrant tea in front of me. For some inscrutable reason, Itsuko’s cardigan was wrapped around my shoulders like a shawl. Why do you even bother to bring that thing to school when it’s this warm? For even more inscrutable reasons, Haruki was massaging my head. I must admit that it didn’t feel unpleasant, but I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about it.

“Just relax and let me work,” Haruki boasted. “When I’m done, you’ll sleep like a baby, with no more nightmares for the rest of your life. You have my personal money-back guarantee! In fact, someone may have to carry you home after I’ve finished. Mitsuuru, I volunteer you for that task. If you’re a man, you should be able to carry a woman for a city block or two.”

I would be more impressed if I were paying you. Then again, if I were paying you, I’d probably lose a bundle. Where do you learn this stuff, anyway?

“This is very good tea,” Itsuko complimented Asahina-sempai’s fragrant donation to my night’s rest. “But I think it would be even better with some … cookies, perhaps?”

“Mitsuuru, you got any?” Haruki demanded. “No, never mind. I’ll go raid the cooking club. Hang tight!” He patted me on the head and bolted out the door.

Hm. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m kind of sorry that the massage ended so soon. Isn’t it odd how you sometimes don’t notice all the little tensions and things until they go away?

Itsuko sat down opposite me, and watched me over her steepled fingers. “What just happened?” she asked me, her smile a small thing, lost amid the seriousness on the rest of her face.

“I had a bad dream,” I protested, starting to untangle myself from the cardigan wrapped around my shoulders. “That’s all. Like I told Haruki, I’ve been having them for the past few days.”

“Please drink your tea,” Asahina-sempai encouraged me. “It’s a family recipe, guaranteed to give you a good night’s rest.”

So this is a recipe from the future? Fascinating. If I were more of a tea aficionado, this would probably be the highlight of the year. As I am ‘merely’ an admirer of the culinary creations of one Asahina Mitsuuru, I can only sigh in contentment as I savoured the fragrant fumes rising from my cup. Or I could, until a hand suddenly snatched away my cup.

“Wh – what are you doing?” Asahina-san spluttered, looking somewhere halfway between outraged and shocked.

Nagato did not reply, but sipped from my cup. He paused for a few seconds, then returned the cup to me. “Beverage analyzed,” was all he would say.

“Nagato,” I protested, “you don’t think that Asahina-san would do anything to hurt me? I mean, come on! It’s Asahina-san!”

“…”

Nagato just looked at me, saying nothing.

“Nagato-san is concerned,” Itsuko stated the obvious. “We are all concerned. So please tell the truth. What just happened? And hurry, before Suzumiya-san returns.”

Reluctantly, I told them the contents of my dream. Asahina-san’s eyes widened, but he responded with aplomb: “Well, that certainly sounds like a scary dream, but at least it was nothing more than that. A dream.”

“I am afraid I must disagree with you, Asahina-san,” Itsuko said, her smile still lost and alone in a harsh, harsh world. Behind her eyes, I could practically see the wheels turning. “I think we should all assist you in getting the ritual ready,” she told me. “Post haste.”

Thank you for your consideration. You already agreed to help me, however.

“And I stand by my offer, of course,” Itsuko said, waving my comment away. “However, you need to gather more people than just I. I believe we should accelerate the selection process.”

Hold on, just because I’m having scary dreams doesn’t mean you can just step in and –

“Yes, it does,” Itsuko contradicted me – and suddenly smiled again. “Because we are all in trouble if Makuro-san decides to abandon her post. And of course we would all miss you if you were devoured in your sleep. At least one hopes Makuro-san would be kind enough to kill you in your sleep, rather than having you go through the devouring process awake.”

“Um, this is really very silly,” Asahina-san weakly protested. “Performing some fairytale song and dance is not going to actually change anything …”

“Asahina-sempai, I value your input,” Itsuko told Asahina-san gravely, “but in this case, I must be adamant. You can not persuade me. Rather, I would like to make use of your connections.”

Asahina-san’s eyes fairly bulged, and he glanced hurriedly between Nagato and Koizumi. “Um, I, no,” he stammered. “I was already scolded for agreeing to Nagato-san’s request – I mean – I can not make contact with the future for you, Koizumi-chan, I –”

“It is a contemporary contact of yours that I wish to tap, Asahina-san,” Itsuko said, waving away our diminutive sempai’s objections. “To be specific, I would like to have you invite Tsuruya-san to the cafeteria after school tomorrow, so we can talk to him.”

She flashed me a brilliant smile. “One of the requirements is someone who can stand in for a priest, correct? Tsuruya-san is a well-educated, well-bred young man, I am sure he can perform the part required with consummate skill.”

You’re determined to take over the preparations of the ritual, just because I had a nightmare?

“Before, we had to contend with just two Oni,” Itsuko replied, “and we barely made it out alive because one of them was insane and open to the idea of bargaining to feed her addiction. If your dream is even a shadow of the truth, the upcoming events are drawing the attention of numerous Oni, and they are growing impatient waiting for the performance. Given these circumstances, I feel we should make all possible haste. Nagato-san, do you concur?”

“Agreed,” Nagato replied, fixing me with an expressionless stare.

“Wait minute, guys,” I protested weakly. “I can take care of this …”

“Have you already secured the two other female roles?” Itsuko demanded.

Well, those were never really in question. I mean, who else was I going to talk to?

“But have you thought of a plausible excuse to give to them yet?” Itsuko demanded. “I did not think so. For someone who should be perfectly well aware of the possible consequences of failure, you have been acting in a somewhat listless manner, which I find to be quite unlike you.”

Is this supposed to be a snipe at my personality? But no, I must concede your point. Why haven’t I been giving this more thought?

“Quite possibly the disturbance of your sleep has been preventing you from acting at your full potential,” Itsuko politely suggested.

I’d like to believe you, but I can’t let myself off the hook quite that easily. Very well, time to seize the reins of my fate once again. Determined, I seized my teacup and drained it in one gulp.

“The people I would like to ask to fill the last two female roles,” I announced, “will probably be willing to help out if we have a halfway likely story to tell them.”

“Tsuruya-san is an excellent choice to be the priest of this little play,” Itsuko said, smiling in a determined fashion as she leaned forward to stare me in the eye. “And he possesses a most agreeable nature, which makes him doubly excellent. No backtalk, please.”

Fine, no backtalk, but you? Back off. Your face is too close.

“The final part is also easy to fill,” I said. “Asahina-sempai, would you -?”

“Would I what?” Asahina-san asked, eyes wide as he looked between the other people in the room, clearly astonished. “What do you want me to do?”

“Would you,” Itsuko smoothly cut in, “prepare a special feast for the little festival we are to hold this coming Sunday? The festivities will be held on the roof of the Old Shack, which I believe fits all requirements that the ritual text describes for the final stage.”

“But … We’re really going to hold this silly fairytale ritual?” Asahina-san pleaded. “Please, can’t any of you see how childish this is?”

“You surprise me, Asahina-sempai,” Itsuko exclaimed, briskly clapping her hands together. “Have you never heard of psychosomatic phenomena? As long as our dear friend is, at one level or another, convinced that a fiendish creature will come and devour her if she does not perform this ceremony, she is in danger of her own mind killing her. If, however, we do this one simple thing, the enemy from within is defeated – at a very low cost, I might add. So, will you not assist us?”

“I … well,” Asahina-san stammered, glancing between Koizumi and me.

Maybe you doubt the effectiveness of a ritual to combat psychosomatic phenomena when said ritual is being discussed in the presence of the one supposedly suffering from said phenomena? Don’t worry about it, Asahina-sempai. Just go with the flow on this one.

“Well … I don’t mind cooking,” Asahina-san finally agreed.

“Excellent!” Itsuko enthused, and started to gently push Asahina-san to the door. “Now, will you please go and see what is taking Suzumiya-san? I am starting to get a bit peckish.”

Barely had she shoved the uncomfortable-looking sempai out the door, or Itsuko returned to face me.

“I do not think the Oni would be very amused by a participant who stopped halfway just to show us nothing bad can happen if you do not perform a ‘fairytale ritual’ to the letter, do you?” she asked me.

You … may be right. Still, he seemed perfect for the final part, the one of –

“I believe another candidate exists for that part,” Itsuko said, smiling at me like a fox which has just spotted a fat chicken going for a stroll through the deep, dark forest. “And of course I am sure we can count on Nagato-san to arrange privacy and security for the ritual?”

“Affirmative,” Nagato replied.

“Good, excellent,” Itsuko enthused, “then let us –”

“The IDE now wishes for the Oni entities to be removed from the equation as well,” Nagato suddenly volunteered. “There is agreement.”

“Please forgive me,” Itsuko said after a moment’s hesitation, “if I tell you I find that ominous.”

Nagato blinked once, but did not comment.

I also didn’t comment. But I had to agree with Itsuko on this one. Far too many people are in agreement over this. I should have been taking this matter more seriously. And so help me, I am going to start taking it seriously right now.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialled a number. The phone rang a few times, then someone picked up.

“Taniguchi?” I said. “Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I need to talk to you and Kunikida about something. There’s a … play I’m putting together. I’d like the two of you to play two of the starring roles, how does that sound? Yes, Asahina-sempai is going to be there. It looks like Tsuruya-san might be there as well, and Nagato certainly will be. Great, when can we meet to talk about this? Yes. Yes, in an hour at my place will be just fine.”

As usual, I would appreciate your comments immensely. ^^

This should be an official novel.