View Full Version : A Laugh A Day
Oneesama
2003-11-29, 06:09
do you know it takes 17 muscles to smile yet 43 muscles to frown?<--correct me if I am wrong :D
do you know people say: if you laugh 3 times a day keeps your family doctor away? (ok... i make tat up.... it was from my mom XD )
but FACTS: laugh have the ability to cope with major illness and the stress of life's problems. also bring balance to all the components of the immune system, which helps us fight off diseases. ^^ so :D
>>>>>SO THIS THREAD IS FOR YOU TO RELAX AND LAUGH AWAY<<<<<
p.s. Do you also know a person who studies laughter is called a Gelotologist ^^
--> I didnt know there was such occupation :D
hm........
1st attempt
A boy wrote this letter home from Camp:
Drear Mom and Dad:
Gue$$ what I need? Plea$e $end $ome $oon.
Be$t Wi$he$
Your $on $ammy
His parents wrote back:
Dear Sammy:
NOthing much is happening here. Please write aNOther letter soon. Bye for NOw. Love, Mom and Dad
2nd attempt
Counselor: how did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Jimmy: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Jimmy held up a rose: There was in this one.
haha..... hope that make you laugh :D
importkid
2003-11-29, 07:17
:heh: :heh: i laugh at the 1st one but the 2nd one i dont get :twitch: :twitch:
Err, okie, the first one was funny. But what about the second one? Hmm, wasn't there a thread sometime ago that was about posting jokes too? Correct me if I'm wrong. :heh:
do you know it takes 17 muscles to smile yet 43 muscles to frown?
So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...
43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...
gravitation
2003-11-29, 08:32
oooo thanx for the interesting facts :D the first joke was good, the second one was okey ^_^ im gonna smile now for this post :D :) ^_^ ::smile:: <--i actually did it
what is this, rate that joke thread?
Ok, ill post one, dont tell me if you heard it before cuz i dont care:
Two men are sitting in a bar on the 3rd floor of a resturant. The man starts up a conversation with the other one.
The first man says "the vodka here is so good, it makes you feel like you're floating on air."
The first man orders a vodka.
The first man starts drinking, and what do you know, he starts floating in the air!
The 1st man is flying around the room without a care in the world!.
THe 2nd man says "wow! unbelievable! bartender, give me a shot of that vodka he's drinking!"
The 2nd man takes a shot, and runs and jumps our the 3rd floor window and falls like a brick and hits the pavement.
The barkeep says to the 1st man:"Clark Kent, you jerk, you're a real A-hole when you're drunk!"
OH, about that second joke, the brose. I guess you guys arnt native english speakers, or it was a terrible joke :D. YOu see, she got stung cuzz there was a bee in the rose, hence, brose.
Lee-pimp
2003-11-29, 17:20
yeah pepsi that wasnt exactly how it goes but whatever close enough
uglypigs
2003-11-29, 17:41
a man walked into a bar...ouch.
Oneesama
2003-12-01, 07:16
43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...
please move the other 17 muscles too for this thread ^^ i am sure it will make you laugh~ "SMILE :) COZ YOU ARE WORTH IT" haha~ make you laugh..... :dots:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
anywaz: Personally I prefer don't using any muscles anyway... :)
dont be so lazy~ so that why you are "the small one" [ no offenz] :D
"SMILE :) COZ YOU ARE WORTH IT" :D
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
gravitation = thx ^^
OH, about that second joke, the brose. I guess you guys arnt native english speakers, or it was a terrible joke :D. YOu see, she got stung cuzz there was a bee in the rose, hence, brose.
percisely~
Has anyone ever laughed so hard they cant stop? And then they faint from not being able to BREATHE?! Its not fun. Heres the joke that nearly killed me!
-Whats black, white and red all over?
-A skunk with a rash!!
HAH!!...skunks are funny
NoSanninWa
2003-12-01, 07:35
do you know it takes 17 muscles to smile yet 43 muscles to frown?
This proves that it is easier to frown than to smile since the effort is distributed over more muscles. No wonder it makes my face ache to smile, but frowning is easy. :upset:
Kawaii_Sennin
2003-12-02, 04:07
I spilled tea on myself after seeing these weird ads. Enjoy:) http://www.ebaumsworld.com/foodeat11.jpg http://www.ebaumsworld.com/foodeat10.jpg
GATX207_Blitz
2003-12-02, 05:10
heh that be some werid ads...lets see better post a joke or something with this or this post may get deleted
how many idiots does it take to screw in light bulb?
4
why?
o
|o
|
| |
------
/ \
o| || |o
| | |
| | || | |
idiots #2-#4 are spinning around in a circle while #1 holds it in the socket
ok my diagram sucked, but if anyone got that and think my joke sucks then don't smile and frown :(
FinFangFoom
2003-12-02, 05:22
Counselor: how did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Jimmy: I bent over to smell a brose.
Counselor: There is no b in rose.
Jimmy held up a rose: There was in this one
I think someones been eating to much Laffy Taffy. ;)
Flash_Squirrel
2003-12-02, 05:39
http://server4.uploadit.org/files/021203-1070295736696.jpeg
Well.. ROD?
NoSanninWa
2003-12-02, 06:31
heh that be some werid ads...lets see better post a joke or something with this or this post may get deleted
how many idiots does it take to screw in light bulb?
4
why?
(Diagram Deleted for brevity)
idiots #2-#4 are spinning around in a circle while #1 holds it in the socket
ok my diagram sucked, but if anyone got that and think my joke sucks then don't smile and frown :(
I love light bulb jokes!
Q. How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four. One to hold the bulb and three to turn the stepladder.
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just two, but I don't know how they got in there.
Q. How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. That's not funny!!!
Q. How many gypsies does it take to change a light bulb ?
A. Just one, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Q. How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb on the space shuttle?
A. 1000001. One to change the light bulb and a million to pick up the pieces.
Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Q. How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q. How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q. How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That's a trick question. Light bulbs don't change.
Q. How many T.V. Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Q. How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to bemoan the darkness until the other redefines something else as light.
Q. How many analytic philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. It's a psuedo-problem. Light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the
bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, then it wouldn't be a "light
bulb" now would it?
Q. How many monists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Don't be silly. There is only one monist.
Q. How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it has to know its own Goedel's number.
(If you have to ask me what that means, then you won't find it funny.)
Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs, but if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q. How many American college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q. How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to change it and two to tip the contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
Q. How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
Q. How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q. How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
Q. How many Irish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q. How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. About one third less than for a regular bulb.
PS. As you can tell I really, really love light bulb jokes. I bet that now, you're all cursing out GATX207_Blitz for getting me started. :D
FinFangFoom
2003-12-02, 07:39
O.K time for my favorite sexist joke, but you need a very basic knowlege of the bible. (if I don't screw it up, it's been awhile)
So God creates Adam and puts him in the Garden of Eden and tells him he gets to live there forever in paridise. Adam was happy for awhile but then then one day God finds him sad and ask;
"What's wrong Adam?"
Adam replies "Well this is great and all, but I see all these animals with compainions and they seem really happy. It makes me feel really lonley sometimes. Can't I have a companion too?"
God thinks about it for a few minutes then says "O.K, I'll let you have a companion to walk with you that will be a perfect compliment to you in every way. But it'll cost you both of your arms and a leg."
Adam thinks to himself; "I don't know, if I don't have arms I won't be able to hold anything or pet the animals. And I'll get really tired of hopping around everywhere on just one leg. It just doesn't seem worth it."
So Adam says to God, "What can I get for a rib?"
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O.K I don't think thats how it goes but you get the idea.
GATX207_Blitz
2003-12-02, 13:36
As you can tell I really, really love light bulb jokes. I bet that now, you're all cursing out GATX207_Blitz for getting me started. :D
#@$%^%#*&#$^$ why did I ever bring that !@#^$%^%$ joke up.....
heh :joke:
I liked the one about the teachers that one was my favorite 1,000,000 to pick up the pieces
wow..I had no idea the lightbulb joke was so flexible..I have learned alot today
gravitation
2003-12-02, 13:53
LOL i neva knew soo many light bulb jokes existed!!?! o yeah those ads near the top were funny lol, kinda weird tho! ^_~
P.S NoSanninWa i congratulate you on telling so many lightbulb jokes *hands a gold plated trophy...actually silver looks better*
So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...
43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...
LOL, thats exsactly what i was thinking (the parth where frowing is a better exsercise). In that case this guy i know who always frowns should be STOCK DEASLE!
Lee-pimp
2003-12-03, 00:55
"What's wrong Adam?"
Adam replies "Well this is great and all, but I see all these animals with compainions and they seem really happy. It makes me feel really lonley sometimes. Can't I have a companion too?"
God thinks about it for a few minutes then says "O.K, I'll let you have a companion to walk with you that will be a perfect compliment to you in every way. But it'll cost you both of your arms and a leg."
Adam thinks to himself; "I don't know, if I don't have arms I won't be able to hold anything or pet the animals. And I'll get really tired of hopping around everywhere on just one leg. It just doesn't seem worth it."
So Adam says to God, "What can I get for a rib?"
nice one finfang does anyone else get it i would think you do although a lot didnt get the brose joke so....
HEY GUYS I HAVE A FUNNY JOKE FOR YOU ALL HAHAHAHAA
What happens when you screw a kitty?
It DIES!!!
What happens when you screw a puppy?
It DIES!!!
What happens when you screw Tom Green?
He likes it, then dedicates half an hour to displaying how much he likes it by repeating monosyllabic sentences involving "butt," "like," and "ass."
Hyuga Jubei
2003-12-03, 03:40
Here one that always makes me smile.
Costumer Service Lady : Hello
The guy : Yes hello, I bought a computer from your company yesterday and it came with this cup holder which doesn't work anymore.
Costumer Service Lady : Well Sir our brand of computer aren't sold with cup holders are you sure there was a cup holder?
The guy : Yes I am positive it was working perfectly fine until a few hours ago it just was stuck.
Costumer Service Lady : Sir may I ask what is written on this cup holder.
The guy : Sure no problem, its written 52X24X52
Sadly enough it's a true story XD
Animaniac
2003-12-03, 03:47
NoSanninWa, you might like these then. =)
http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~ravenben/humor/lightbulbs
Oneesama
2003-12-04, 05:58
wow... there are so many lightbulb jokes around ~ ^^
now try this one~ hehehe~ :naughty:
how rumors start in the office ~
http://server4.uploadit.org/files/041203-office_rumors.jpg
Flash_Squirrel
2003-12-04, 14:41
Im sure someone will enjoy this.
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 <+lwl12> ebspy why is all this happening to aniverse?
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 <%ecchi-bo1> lwl12: Windows 2000 Server
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 <@Nightwish> LMAO
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 <@jamuraa> LMAO
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 < JAppi> lmao
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:11 <@jamuraa> soo.. true..
[15:16] <hhaamu> 05:12 <@Nightwish> Thats a quote for bash if ever I saw one...
Ecchi-Bot always speek the truth.
NoSanninWa
2003-12-04, 20:40
I just came across this hysterical InuYasha doujinshi!! InuYasha Peace (http://tene-chan.mine.nu/bt/InuYasha_Peace_complete_%5BSM%5D.zip.torrent).
Incidently I can never figure out how I should spell his name Inuyasha
InuYasha
Inu Yasha
Inu-Yasha
diabolistic
2003-12-04, 22:17
I just came across this hysterical InuYasha doujinshi!! InuYasha Peace (http://tene-chan.mine.nu/bt/InuYasha_Peace_complete_%5BSM%5D.zip.torrent).
Incidently I can never figure out how I should spell his name Inuyasha
InuYasha
Inu Yasha
Inu-Yasha
YTV spells it Inu-Yasha.
However, YTV also renamed Seint Seiya to "Knights Of The Zodiac"
request an emotion from Emotion Eric (http://www.emotioneric.com)
one of the bestest and funnestest sites that i've seen
Quote posted by diabolistic
request an emotion from Emotion Eric
one of the bestest and funnestest sites that i've seen
Man that website is hilarious. I love it!! Had me laughing my ass off. I loved the thoughtful one the best so far. Only about 1/3 through at the moment.
dragonz20
2004-01-30, 09:30
i thought this was pretty funny so i wanted to share this with all of you.. hope u like it :)
There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
- Capt. E.J. Smith of HMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?"
- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!"
- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll....................
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
- Sadaam Hussein, 2003
Biohazard
2004-01-30, 09:42
I guess i'm pathetic, couldn't really laugh the past 4 month.. *sighs*
lol, coowl topic... some funny quotes:
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
"Flying is easy, you just throw yourself as hard as you can at the ground, and miss."
"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
"If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim."
"Does not enable user to fly"
- Warning on Batman cape
"I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street."
I've still got some more, but I'll post those later ^^
dragonz20
2004-01-30, 09:48
lol.. good ones Amy... here's a bit more:
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
dragonz20
2004-01-30, 09:52
Subject: "The 10 Best Caddy Replies"
Can you relate to this?
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the Lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes Sir. you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game so far?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but peersonally, I prefer golf!"
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I have ever played on."
Caddy: "This is'nt the golf course, we left that an hour ago!"
#1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
I get lots of cute e-mails from other teachers about what kids say! I thought I'd share a smile!
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
lol, that's funny ^^
more funny quotes:
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
"The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people."
"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
"Shut the door, Wales."
- George Bryan "Bean" Brumwell - Said to the Prince of Wales
and one for the dutch people here (I couldn't translate it properly so...)
"Fietsen is gezond, eet meer fiets"
Wandering_Youth
2004-01-30, 16:36
Call me sadistic, but I laughed pretty darn hard when my dad was suffering from constipation. I could hear him groaning and making funny noises in the toilet from my room and I just could not help myself laughing at him. I know it was not right to laugh since he was in pain, but I couldn't help it.
bassmanG
2004-01-30, 20:00
I like those names for children's books that would never be published. Some of my favorites are:
You Were An Accident
Strangers Have The Best Candy
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
You Are Different and That's Bad
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
What's black,white and red all over?
A manga covered in cranberry juice!
Oneesama
2004-02-02, 17:02
I came across a few.... Lawyer Jokes ^_^ hope you like them :)
1.>Abby: What do you call an honest lawyer?
Debbie: An oxymoron.
2.>There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
EDIT: I had to add this one.
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
ChibiDusk
2004-02-18, 17:59
But it's a better workout if you frown :p
Since you're using more muscles ^^"
EDIT: Love that McDonalds thingie :)
dragonz20
2004-02-20, 12:42
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason.
dragonz20
2004-02-20, 12:43
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Saif had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," Saif said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got!"
Saif just reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the wise-ass, young man, he says, "All right. Get in..."
dragonz20
2004-02-20, 12:46
A few minutes before the church services started, the towns-people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said; "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all Eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
dragonz20
2004-02-20, 12:47
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
dragonz20
2004-02-20, 12:52
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US Government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
great quotes:
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if
they already know everything."
Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it
for a while...it isn't so hot.
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get
to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."
"If you're playing a poker game and you look around the
table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going."
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing
they notice about a women are their eyes.
And women say the first thing they notice about men
is they're a bunch of liars."
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first."
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half
for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
Oh! My goodness dragonz20 I should have scrolled up earlier! those are alot of jokes! I really liked the woodcutter joke and the quotes. :)
NoSanninWa
2004-03-17, 05:18
A man was sitting at a bar listening to a pianist playing the most beautiful music he had ever heard, but when he turned to watch the pianist play, he was no where in sight.
Puzzled, the man asked the bartender "Is that a 'Player Piano?, I've never heard one play so well before."
The bartender answered, "No sir, There's a man whose only a foot tall playing the thing. Go check him out for yourself." The man went over and saw him play and then came back to the bar.
"Where did you ever find him, that's amazing!"
The bartender replied, "I got him as a result of a wish from this magic lamp. Would you like to try?"
The man agreed to give it a try and wished for the first thing he could think of... POOF! An enormous flock of ducks suddenly appeared out of nowhere, filling the bar and spilling out into the street!
The man says, "Wait a minute, I asked for a thousand bucks, and it looks like I got a 1000 Ducks, what gives?"
The bartender responded, "Sorry buddy, but do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
aFlipGuy
2004-03-17, 11:19
hahahahaa magic lamp = HIGHLARIOUS !!!!!hhahahaha and the axe ^_^ the moral makes so much sense and its TRUE girls ^_^ we wouldnt lie unless its for a good reason ^_^
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:51
<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
<%Hamtaro> I tried to register the AIM name "Your mother"
<%Hamtaro> And got this
<%Hamtaro> Create a Screen Name
<%Hamtaro>
<%Hamtaro> Sorry, Your mother is already in use
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:52
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:53
a bit.... coarse
<Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
<Galactic> I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
<Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic> I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids
<Galactic> I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY.
<Galactic> fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic> Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic> FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches
<Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
<Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
<Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic> NO.
<Galactic> I'd be thinking
<Galactic> "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?"
<Galactic> another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck> not me
<Flaming Duck> I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck> I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck> but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck> bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
<Flaming_Duck> don't give me that shit.
<Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic> Lucky Charms.
<Galactic> FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic> Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!?
<Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic> I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic> ....
<Galactic> KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic> it's just always bothered me."
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:54
<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Tarrier> how
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough
docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:54
<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.
<Rocksteady> quick i need a funny way to wake up a roomate that doesn't involve sex or feces
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:56
[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
[12:28] <Cortel> <RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
[12:28] <Cortel> <Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
[12:06] <Cortel> <superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off while I had a mouthful of beer.
[12:06] <Cortel> <GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
[12:06] <Cortel> <superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
[12:06] <Cortel> <GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!
hobobaggins
2004-03-17, 11:57
<Supra87T> now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny
<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.
<Swenja> If you handed people a box that said "Danger! Crotch-eating crickets inside! Do not shake! Do not open!"
<Swenja> ....ten minutes later, there'd be screaming and chirping, and crickets all over the place...
aFlipGuy
2004-03-17, 12:04
hobobaggins...i hope these arent real conversations....specially the danny and mom conversation !!!!!haahahahahahaha i literally laughed out loud hahaahahah
Dark_Sun
2004-03-17, 17:38
YO MAMMA..okay these jokes got old REALLY fast but i have a couple funny ones...i guess...
Yo Mamma So stupid she stole free bread.
Yo Mamma So stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mamma So ugly...she makes YOU look good...
Yo mamma so fat...she doesnt have to TRY to sit down..(EW)
Yo mamma's so poort when i came over and stepped on a match she said....NOO WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
Dark_Sun
2004-03-17, 18:05
one more thing..this isnt a joke but i find it wierd and kinda funny...
dont you know the worlds going wierd when.......
The best Rapper's a White Guy.
The best Golfer's a Black Guy.
The Tallest basketball player's a chinese guy.
And the Germans don't want to go to war.
...okay that was kinda rascist but..iono its kinda funny....
That was some great stuff homobaggins. Your cool rating +4 :D
EDIT: Sorry dude, I could of sworn you were homobaggins. I was even wondering why someone would choose an ID like that... It was an honest mistake. Next time I'll be sure to copy/paste people's IDs instead of relying on my fickle memory :heh:
hobobaggins
2004-03-18, 01:41
everyone. i mean EVERYONE calls me homobaggins. you arent that special.
and those are actual conversations taken off of IRC
:( no funny stuff now.
Slade xTekno
2004-03-18, 01:49
Cool, a joke thread. Here's a few I've heard in other forums.
Two muffins were in the oven.
One asked the other, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other one screamed, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Slade xTekno
2004-03-18, 01:52
A young boy and a young girl were in the waiting room of a doctor's office. The little girl was sobbing sofly.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm getting a blood test. They're going to cut my finger," replied the little girl.
Then the little boy started sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little girl.
"I'm getting a urine test."
Slade xTekno
2004-03-18, 01:54
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Original source: http://magnus.poly.edu/~dbartolo/humor/studentanswers.html
LMAO! Those IRC chats were funny! I could have sworn my friend and I were arguing over those cereal mascots one time. We ended up talking about Lucky and his height compared to Tony the Tiger and Trix Rabbit. Don't even want to go there. :twitch:
I'm thinking about actually trying some of these. Hopefully I don't get bitch-slapped. :heh:
How to be Annoying
1. Pay tolls with $100 bills
2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
10. Chew other people's pencils
11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
12. Wear large hats during the movies
13. Touch strangers
14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
15. Bite your dentist's finger
16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems
20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
21. Tell people they have bad breath
22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
23. Flirt with a friend's spouse
24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
25. Shake with your left hand
26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
28. Drum on every available surface.
29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
31. Honk and wave to strangers.
32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
hobobaggins
2004-03-18, 16:38
ROFL!!1
keep up the good work!
docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)
hmm... did i say that one already?
how about french jokes?
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 15:04
*BuMp*
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
french jokes ahead.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it![/spoilers]
[spoilers=french quotes... old...]A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." ˜David Letterman
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France." ˜Jay Leno
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." ˜Jay Leno
"Broadway producers are saying that because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the revolution." ˜Conan O'Brien
"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." ˜Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" ˜Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" ˜Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse ˜ they've been repackaged and sold to France." ˜Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." ˜Dennis Miller (Click for more of Dennis Miller's rant)
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." ˜Dennis Miller
"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." ˜Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ˜Conan O'Brien
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" ˜Jay Leno
"President Bush and National Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security, just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French ˜ I'm sorry, I mean threat level yellow." ˜Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." ˜Craig Kilborn
"According to the Pentagon today, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French." ˜Jay Leno
"President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield." ˜Craig Kilborn
"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." ˜Jay Leno
"American tourists in Paris are reported to being yelled at, spit upon, and attacked by the French. Thank God things are getting back to normal." ˜Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." ˜Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures ˜ just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." ˜Jay Leno
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe
: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.
Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket
The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves
Mr_Paper
2004-03-22, 15:39
I'm not french, but even I found that insulting.
I thought this was funny!!! but if any of you are Martha Stewart fans... well :twitch: sowee!!
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/celebrity-pictures/celebrity-pictures-0018.jpg
I'm not french, but even I found that insulting.
Agreed. I have nothing against the French. I like their hats!
I thought this was funny!!! but if any of you are Martha Stewart fans... well sowee!!
That's pretty funny Cammie :D (No, I am not a Martha Stewart fan.)
Cool, a joke thread. Here's a few I've heard in other forums.
Two muffins were in the oven.
One asked the other, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other one screamed, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
I found this to be the funniest joke so far :) hobobaggins wins best IRC conversation award, those had me falling out of my chair :)
Time for me to contribute -
Three men were stranded on a desert island. After walking into the jungle they were captured by natives and taken to the village cheif. The cheif said to them "To escape death and win your freedom, you must perform a task. First go into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of the same type of fruit and return here." The three men headed off their seperate ways.
The first man comes back with 10 apples. The village cheif explains to him that he must fit all 10 pieces of fruit up his anus without making any facial expression, or he would be killed on the spot. The man manages to fit one, but upon trying to fit the second screams out in pain and is killed.
The second man then comes back with 10 blueberries. The cheif explains the same thing to him. He begins: 1, 2, 3....7, 8, and then all of the sudden bursts out in laughter and is killed.
The first and the second guy meet in heaven. The first guy says to the second "What happened? You were almost home-free." The second guy says "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples."
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 17:52
French jokes... ... jokes are good as long as they are funny.
oh- the fruit one is sorta old..
3 airmen bail out of a plane, and are captured by the same tribe.
the chief says to the 3 airmen, you can have 2 things. death or pumba!
1st airman- i dont want to die, pumba.
Some wild and crazy native runs up and starts ass raping airman#1.... after he is done, the airman is allowed to... err... ... .. crawl? away.
2nd airman- err... i like that kinda thing. pumba
Native runs up and rapes him, the airman smiles and says "Compared to my navy buddies, you are nothing."
3rd airman- I dont want that shit! Death!
Chief thinks...
"DEATH BY PUMBA!!!!"
YO MAMMA..okay these jokes got old REALLY fast but i have a couple funny ones...i guess...
Yo Mamma So stupid she stole free bread.
Yo Mamma So stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mamma So ugly...she makes YOU look good...
Yo mamma so fat...she doesnt have to TRY to sit down..(EW)
Yo mamma's so poort when i came over and stepped on a match she said....NOO WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?
Very VERY old Yo Mama jokes. But still funny none-the-less :p
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 17:59
yo momma jokes
yo momma so fat it takes 3 trains and a bus to get to her good side.
yo momma is like a vaccumb cleaner. first she sucks, then she blows then she gets stuck in the closet
yo momma so poor, i went to your house, asked for the bathroom, she pointed out the door and said 3rd tree on the left.
bleh.
yo momma jokes...
"Ha Ha Ha"
There is the laugh for the day, dont really see the point of this thread?
"Ha Ha Ha"
There is the laugh for the day, dont really see the point of this thread?
The point is for people to post jokes and readers to be amused by them; should there be any more reasons for it? :p
By the way... homobaggins lol..... (no offence, read the post on top :D)
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 18:12
hobobaggins...i hope these arent real conversations....specially the danny and mom conversation !!!!!haahahahahahaha i literally laughed out loud hahaahahah
you mean that one
you have no idea how many times i have heard homobaggins....
:dots: dont feel special.
you mean that one
you have no idea how many times i have heard homobaggins....
:dots: dont feel special.
Atleast you can pump out some really funny (and historically true) french jokes :D
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 18:16
you cant spell obfuscated without USC
you cant spell obfuscated without USC
I don't get it ... :confused:
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 18:24
I don't get it ... :confused:
i hope that was part of the joke
obfuscated=confused...
USC= college...
so, anyone else have some funnies
www.10-7.com
NoSanninWa
2004-03-22, 18:31
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe
Here's a cute trick that everyone should know. :D
Go to http://www.google.com
type (or copy-paste): French Military Victories
Click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. This will take you to the most probable page, skipping the results page altogether.
JOJOS'STAR
2004-03-22, 18:53
so, anyone else have some funnies
Well .. I did until your stupid french jokes.
Now I just don't think this thread is funny at all anymore! :frustrated:
As a matter of fact I didn't even find it funny from the beginning
Well .. I did until your stupid french jokes.
Now I just don't think this thread is funny at all anymore! :frustrated:
As a matter of fact I didn't even find it funny from the beginning
He warned people who would get offended prehand that it was based on the french, that's why he put it in spoiler tags :) If you read it, then you chose to read it. I found them funny becuase ironically enough, they were very historically acurate ;)
Lst2touchdasky
2004-03-22, 20:37
My little sister told me this joke
One day an old man and a monkey enters the bar
While The old man was drinking the monkey plays around on the pool table
all the sudden the monkey eats the 8 ball
the worried bar tender goes "SiR your monkey just ate the 8 ball!"
The old man with a wide grin goes "good ridance"
They leave the bar and but the monkey does not die
One week later.
The old man and the monkey enters the bar again
this time the monkey sits with the old man
all the sudden the monkey takes a penut shoves it up it's ass and takes it out and eats it
Before the barkeeper could say anything
The old man says "He likes to test every thing he eats these days"
Seelenfang
2004-03-22, 20:43
Hi...
guess man I'm from mgood old germany and like those french jokes...
so go on
greetz
Seelenfang
My little sister told me this joke
One day an old man and a monkey enters the bar
While The old man was drinking the monkey plays around on the pool table
all the sudden the monkey eats the 8 ball
the worried bar tender goes "SiR your monkey just ate the 8 ball!"
The old man with a wide grin goes "good ridance"
They leave the bar and but the monkey does not die
One week later.
The old man and the monkey enters the bar again
this time the monkey sits with the old man
all the sudden the monkey takes a penut shoves it up it's ass and takes it out and eats it
Before the barkeeper could say anything
The old man says "He likes to test every thing he eats these days"
I don't get it :confused:
I don't get it :confused:
Me either :D
Me either :D
Wanna be my friend?
Lst2touchdasky
2004-03-22, 21:08
where does food go out after you eat it- and what did the monkey eat?
Wanna be my friend?
no.... -.-
(joking :D)
hobobaggins
2004-03-22, 23:38
Here's a cute trick that everyone should know. :D
Go to http://www.google.com
type (or copy-paste): French Military Victories
Click on the "I'm feeling lucky" button. This will take you to the most probable page, skipping the results page altogether.
oh. i thought you were commenting on how i got those jokes
Michael jokes okay?
what is the difference between a plastic bag and michael jackson?
one is white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play around... and the other you put groceries in.
what did the woman say to MJ at the beach?
Excuse me, your in my son.
When is it time to go to bed at michael's house?
when the big hand is on the little hand!
just in case you didnt already hear these
the most funny non-insulting meant to be racist joke ever. to japanese people
how do you know when you have been robbed by an asian?
nintendo's gone and the homework is gone
i laughed so hard when someone said this to try and insult me
why do black people get mad when asians wear fubu?
why dont asians get mad at black people wearing fubu?
(if you dont get it, FUBU is For Us By Us)
Kerensky18
2004-03-23, 07:09
May be offensive contains explicit content
Why dosen't Santa Clause have any kids? He only comes once a year and its in the chimney.....
hobobaggins
2004-03-23, 11:57
May be offensive contains explicit content
Why dosen't Santa Clause have any kids? He only comes once a year and its in the chimney.....
that was actually pretty good.
Hmmm... bad.
How do you know if youve been robbed by a jew?
there is no change in the couch
mmm~ running out of ideas.
I know how some you luv to laugh at good ol' George :)
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures-0002.jpg
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures-0005.jpg
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures-0008.jpg
again if this offends anyone sowee!! :uhoh:
NoSanninWa
2004-03-23, 18:22
Good ones! But?
I know how some you luv to laugh at good ol' George :)
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures-0002.jpg
I don't get this one. Why are the binoculars funny?
Good ones! But?
I don't get this one. Why are the binoculars funny?
Ah!!! hes looking through with the lens caps still on.. :)
Good ones! But?
I don't get this one. Why are the binoculars funny?
hehe, yeah binoculars is a funny word.
sounds like what you would call a dinosaur who "swang both ways"
and who needed a friend? cuz i thought i saw one the other day, i think they cost like 100 bucks for 30 mins, well thats the going rate here in san diego
Hey heres more funny pics!!!
G.W.B
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/priclessgeorgebush.jpg
Poor Ronald
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/ronaldbusted.jpg
errrr...
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/waterpark.jpg
yummy!!!
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/thatwasntchicken.jpg
ummm this one might get me in trouble!!!
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/savethewhale.jpg
hobobaggins
2004-04-18, 15:12
that last one was wrong wrong wrong.... although she was probably wearing a bathing suit....
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:12
WE NEED MORE LAUGHTER!!!
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."
Thank God It's Friday
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Some of you already display aptitudes that would easily allow you to enter the Director of Intensity Program (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who do not qualify for this position but are still interested will certainly be referred to the Director Under Management Bureau (D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.). Those individuals who do not meet the requirements of The Bureau must first complete Special Training Under Personal Individual Discretion, Special High Intensity Training (S.T.U.P.I.D. S.H.I.T.).
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) program.
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:16
STUPID CHARACTER LIMIT!!!
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?
'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:21
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."
ma and pa where rocking on the front porch when pa turned and slapped ma, ma said what was that for? pa said for forty years of bad sex. ma said oh and continued rocking. ma reached over and slapped pa. pa said what was that for? ma said for knowing the difference.
40 Siberians melt.
50 Scandinavians sweat.
70 Alaskans declare record heatwave. Californians rise from hibernation.
80 Canadians turn on the air conditioning full blast. Arizona residents stop shivering.
90 Death Valley residents awaken. Scandinavians go underground.
100 British start sacrificing goats to make the sun go away. Californians finally turn off the heaters.
105 Texans drink coffee. Alaskans melt.
110 Arabians awaken and thaw. Canadians weep. New Yorkers burst open street fire hydrants.
120 Australians notice the sun is out. All Europeans and Canadians spontaneously combust.
130 Too hot to think. Texans and Californians undo top button. Antarctica is gone, polar bears extinct.
150 Miami residents put on sunglasses. Texans turn on the fan.
200 Arizona children amuse themselves by dropping eggs on sidewalk and giggle while they fry.
212 Water Boils. Death Valley residents put on deodorant.
327 Lead Boils. Okies notice it is warm out.
345 Saharans comment that the sand is a little stingy today.
400 Camels die.
2000 Nuclear blast nominal yield.
15. Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.
14. Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.
13. In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.
12. Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.
11. Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.
10. Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.
9. Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.
8. South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!
7. Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.
6. Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.
5. Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.
4. Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.
3. Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.
2. Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
and Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...
1. White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
EDIT:
After the airline pilot had managed to land his plane albeit bumpily following a descent through exceptionally heavy weather, he came out of the flight deck to bid his passengers farewell as they gratefully entered the jetway on their way back to terra firma.
The most memorable comment he received was from a little old lady who asked him politely whether he would please satisfy her curiosity on just one point: "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
EDIT2:Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...
MOOJITA SCALE
M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed
M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up
M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind
M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce
M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN
M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:32
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud-ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants, with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
* Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
* Shoot olive pits at Granpa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)
* Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.
* Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.
* Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
* Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
* Hold your nose while you eat.
* Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
* Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."
* Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table.
* Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.
* When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
* Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
mantidor
2004-04-28, 13:37
LOL! :heh::heh::heh: thats hilarious
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
I wish I could know how it sounds in spanish, chicken aroused??? hahahaha :heh:
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:42
LOL! :heh::heh::heh: thats hilarious
I wish I could know how it sound in spanish, chicken aroused??? hahahaha :heh:
on that note: the slogan that is so popular in america, "Got Milk", when translated into spanish (for our neighbors south of the border), was written as "Are you lactating"
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."
5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.
6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.
7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.
9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.
10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.
13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a Ft. Worth cafe, four elderly Texas ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to San Antonio. For our 50th, I'm thinking 'bout going down there again to pick her up."
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in
Dallas,
travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to
Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,
"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:46
So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...
43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...
i am personally aiming for more like 43,000.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them."
Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.
It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.
Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.
LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.
Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.
Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.
Richardson
It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.
It is illegal to do "U Turns".
San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.
It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.
You can ride your horse in the saloon.
Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.
Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.
TEACHER JOKES!!!
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........
And then he stuffed the turkey.
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:46
So therefore it's more 'heathly' to frown than smile, since you get more exercise that way. Sounds good to me...
43 muscles exercised already due to this thread...
i am personally aiming for more like 43,000,000.
OH NOS! a double post! just have to edit and give you more.
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ?
Pupil: Hot water !
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ?
Pupil: All of them !
Why was the head teacher worried ?
Because there were so many rulers in the school !
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there !
Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ?
Pupil: Stale !
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !
Teacher: What is "can't" short for ?
Pupil: Can not miss.
Teacher: and what is "don't" short for
Pupil: Doughnut !
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ?
Pupil: Lassie !
Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !
Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ?
Pupil: I'm just turning over things in my mind, sir !
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 13:57
i really really hate this word/character limit thingy... hey! i have a suggestion!
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
When the little thingy pops up it's ready.
Mmmm, moist meat.
I'm stuffed!
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Would You Remarry?
"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.
"Before i put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"
The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song [singlequote]Yeah, Alabama?"
"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"
The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me before you play [singlequote]Yeah, Alabam?"
You might be a true stoner if.....
************************************************** ******************************
1=If the highest grade you ever had was at a C+ and you were proud of it.
2=If you think it took 20 min. to get to the bus stop.
3=If you call your dealer for a 40 and remember you only have $20.
4=If a bum lost a dime and you say youll help find it if he smokes it with you.
5=If you only go to a grocry store for munchies.
6=If someone asks if you like KoRn and you say "Only when I have the munchies".
7=If someone asks if you have a dime and you say "Im all out of the green".
8=A FAKE STONER SAYS DOPE INSTEAD OF WEED BECAUSE THAT IS METH. SO IF YOU SAY METH INSTEAD OF WEED THAN READ THE TITLE
9=If you sell your pipe for weed money.
10=If you ever tried to sell money for more.
11=If you have a special lighter just for weed.
12=If you also have a back-up lighter just for weed.
13=If you sell your bong for weed money.
14=If you need the trippiest screensaver on your screen.
15=If your house burns down and the first thing you grab is all your weed.
16=If you like the idea of smoke,eat,sleep,smoke,eat,sleep..........
17=count these <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
18=If you think E-mail satand for Eat Munchies And Ill Light up
19=If you have a tripple hosed bong just for you.
20=you are only a true stoner if you answerd #17 because a stoner would have wasted there time to count them.
STONER JOKES:
1 If your girlfriend tells you to "come over theres nobody home" and you say "that why should i go over there then"
2 If your girlfriend says over the phone "I Love You" and you say "I Love You too But Only When Im Stonned".
3 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, A stonner named Jake in the back stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Jake?"
"No, stupid ass, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
AnimeFangirl
2004-04-28, 14:04
NoSanninWa, you might like these then. =)
http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~ravenben/humor/lightbulbs Ahahahahaha, that's so true it's almost sad! >___<
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 15:28
Ahahahahaha, that's so true it's almost sad! >___<
??? why college jokes? steriotypical jokes are so much better. :)
It is 25th December, in the morning, two excited children run downstairs to
the Christmas tree. And there, oh how wonderful, Johnny has an
enormous heap of toys....... but his tearful sister has only one toy.
Johnny looks at his sister's one toy, and starts to make fun of her.
"Ha ha, look at all these toys I've got, and you've only got one!"
His sister thumbs her nose, "Ha ha, I haven't got leukaemia!"
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimy?
Shut up, you little snot.
Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot again!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
EDIT
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!'
The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'
The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child.'
LoveOfAnime
2004-04-28, 16:48
This one is for ADULTS only:
Luke is sitting in the bar on the night before his wedding with one of his pals. His pal asks why he looks so glum. "This sounds silly but I have never done this sex thing before." The pal says "Well no big deal, I'll tell you what. You let me know what hotel you are staying in and I will rent the room next door. If you make any mistakes I'll yell through the wall."
So the next night at the motel Luke is so scared that he is hiding in the bathroom. His new wife realizes she needs to go Number Two. She doesn't want to embarras herself by telling Luke to come out because she has to go. Looking around the room she sees her fancy shoe box. She quickly decides, takes off the lid and takes care of business. Meanwhile Luke is still in the bathroom nervous as hell. He finally comes up with an idea to break the ice with his new wife. If he can find something to do with the wedding that will at least get them talking. So out he comes looking around for something from the wedding to talk about. Seeing the shoe box he thinks it's perfect. He quickly walks over and lifts the lid.
"Damn bitch there's shit in this box." From Next door a voice pipes up. "Luke turn her over."
l
found a few more!
Hidden Windows Setting
http://www.iwinterbottom.freeserve.co.uk/images/0011.gif
Beer....
http://www.iwinterbottom.freeserve.co.uk/images/pic2.jpg
I hate my job!
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/4bad-job4.jpg
Best Dinner Ever
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/129fukmi129.jpg
AnimeFangirl
2004-04-28, 18:05
This one is for ADULTS only:
Luke is sitting in the bar on the night before his wedding with one of his pals. His pal asks why he looks so glum. "This sounds silly but I have never done this sex thing before." The pal says "Well no big deal, I'll tell you what. You let me know what hotel you are staying in and I will rent the room next door. If you make any mistakes I'll yell through the wall."
So the next night at the motel Luke is so scared that he is hiding in the bathroom. His new wife realizes she needs to go Number Two. She doesn't want to embarras herself by telling Luke to come out because she has to go. Looking around the room she sees her fancy shoe box. She quickly decides, takes off the lid and takes care of business. Meanwhile Luke is still in the bathroom nervous as hell. He finally comes up with an idea to break the ice with his new wife. If he can find something to do with the wedding that will at least get them talking. So out he comes looking around for something from the wedding to talk about. Seeing the shoe box he thinks it's perfect. He quickly walks over and lifts the lid.
"Damn bitch there's shit in this box." From Next door a voice pipes up. "Luke turn her over."
l I don't get the joke :confused: Oh, wait, I think I do. >___<
EDIT: Slade xTechno's GCSE answers are hilarious! I'd seem some of them before but others just had me rofl :D :D :D
Sid_Burn
2004-04-28, 19:16
Hahahahaha! this thread has so much fun in it... :)
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 19:31
A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try aritifical insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads up the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he looks out at the sheep and finds that they are all still standing around. He decides to try one more time and loads them into the truck, drives them out into the woods, spends all day shagging the sheep, brings them back and falls into bed, exhausted. The next morning, he cannot even get himself out of bed. He asks his wife to look outside and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A group of Match Cup Skippers are on Crew Scouting trip, when they see a five-story building with a sign that read, "Match Racer Crew Association" Since they are without their crews, they decide to go in. The Guard, a very salty type, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, for crew, you can go there and make a selection. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you who's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the crew on this floor are stupid and weak." The skippers laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the crew here are stupid and strong." Still, this isn't good enough, so the Skippers continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the crew here are smart and strong." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect, "All the crew here are smart, strong and Former Americas Cup Champions." The Skippers get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads, "There are no crew here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a Skipper!"
true!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After About an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. the engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard......Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
hobobaggins
2004-04-28, 19:40
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead.
"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking
term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."
The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.
One day about a month ago, President Reagan was looking for a call girl.
He found three such ladies in a local lounge--a blonde, a brunette, and a
redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much
would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She replied, "$200."
To the brunette he made a similar proposition. Her reply was "$200."
He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was:"Mr. President, if
you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a damn cent..."
Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a beautiful
blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a blonde?"
Second sailor replies that he has.
They walk on further and see an even more beautiful brunette.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a brunette?"
SS: " Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many occasions."
They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead, who leaves the
other two girls for dead.
FS: " Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at
him and replies "Not a wink!"
hahaha, reagan, wtf?!??
geez, hobo, where do you get your jokes? 1985?
im jk,
oohhh, i better google reagan and make sure he was president in 85, dont want to be made the fool!
hobobaggins
2004-04-29, 13:53
hahaha, reagan, wtf?!??
geez, hobo, where do you get your jokes? 1985?
im jk,
oohhh, i better google reagan and make sure he was president in 85, dont want to be made the fool!
hahah... ... no.
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data.
Our authority is the Bible: Isiah 30:26 reads, "Moreover the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sin shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days.
" Thus Heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as we do from the sun and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the earth does from the sun, or fifty times in all.
The light we receive from the moon is a ten-thousandth fo the light we receive from the sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven.
The radiation falling on heaven will heat it to the point lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation. In other words, Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the earth by radiation.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth - 300K.
This gives H as 798 K (525 degrees Celcius).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6 C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8: "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.
" A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be below the boiling point.
We have, then, temperature of Heaven 525 C. Temperature of Hell less than 445 C. Therefore, heaven is hotter than Hell.
ROFL
An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.
The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference?
One cat has a greater mew.
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so
Z is for zest -- For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.
hobobaggins
2004-04-29, 13:58
old women jokes! In praise of older women (which in our society means over 35):
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think, if you think at all.
An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. (this one ain't always true )
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an a**hole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
OSU joke? (wtf is osu?)
Why did they cancel the OSU Christmas party?
They could not find three wise men or a virgin.
more osu
10. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
9. Pre-law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
7. Hand-Shadow Workshop
6. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
5. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
3. The College Classroom: A Simulation
2. The ABC's: An Extended Version
1. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study
Q: How many Ohio State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
After a long wait, two Ohio State graduates finally get jobs at a sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenly one screams "OOUUUCCHHHH!!! I lost my finger!" The other glances over, "Oh yeah, how did you do that?" "Well, I was just trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi..Damn! There goes another one!!"
I heard that Ohio State's Head Football Coach was only dressing twenty players for the upcoming battle against Michigan. He said the rest can dress themselves.
Q: How many Ohio State students does it take to change a tire?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Ohio State fan with a pig?
A: Trick question, there are some things a pig just wont do.
Q: Why do Ohio State graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.
A Michigan student and an Ohio State student are both using the men's room. When they finish their business, the Michigan student heads for the door, while the Ohio State student heads for the sink. The Ohio dude calls to the Wolverine, "At Ohio State, they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The Michigan guy replies, "At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Q: Why doesn't Ohio State have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do an Ohio State student and a Michigan student have in common?
A: They both got accepted at Ohio State.
An Ohio State grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So he goes down to the travel agent and hands over the cash. The travel agent hits him over the head with a bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Ohio State grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another Ohio State grad. The first grad says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise." The second replies, "They didn't last year."
Q: What does the average Ohio State football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.
hobobaggins
2004-04-29, 14:07
Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don[singlequote]t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it[singlequote]s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
If they[singlequote]ve left early, put them in Sales.
And if they[singlequote]re all bullying each other, they[singlequote]re Management material.
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn[singlequote]t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God[singlequote]s name, Amen."
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they[singlequote]ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it[singlequote]s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I[singlequote]d love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It[singlequote]s an inventive way to finally meet that [singlequote]special[singlequote] person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.
OSU joke? (wtf is osu?) You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding... :heh:
hobobaggins
2004-04-29, 16:51
You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding... :heh:
I wrote the top part before i C+Ped the rest...
anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.
mantidor
2004-04-29, 17:24
I wrote the top part before i C+Ped the rest...
anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.
did it seems like i didn't enjoy it??? keep on, please!
anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.
Stop, please.....
Or just post the URL where you found these, it would be a lot easier......
hobobaggins
2004-04-29, 17:59
Stop, please.....
Or just post the URL where you found these, it would be a lot easier......
= =
but then this thread will just lurk in the backwater of the GC, behind locked threads......
i guess i should just post one joke a day then...
You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding... :heh:
actually you can say its oklahoma state or oregon state, or what ever. i think the point is that its a "state" college, no offense to those people who attened a "state" univeristy/
dont know why people keep making fun of "state" schools, they're cheap, you gotta give em that
Sid_Burn
2004-04-29, 19:17
Just look at Darvin's Profile Picture... and you'll see wat I mean...
Woohoo for all the Ohio State jokes!!!!
Here's a parody about the atkins diet. http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html
I don't know german but I have a pretty provocative cartoon that I did have up then changed my mind due to paranoia of getting a warning. Had a second pic but it might have gotten me in worst trouble than if I posted the 1st one.
hobobaggins
2004-05-06, 00:39
Woohoo for all the Ohio State jokes!!!!
Here's a parody about the atkins diet. http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html
I don't know german but I have a pretty provocative cartoon that I did have up then changed my mind due to paranoia of getting a warning. Had a second pic but it might have gotten me in worst trouble than if I posted the 1st one.
WOAH! i so need to show that to people at my school (half of which are on atkins) :heh:
laugh a day... ....
what is the fastest thing in scotland?
A: A virgin sheep
WOAH! i so need to show that to people at my school (half of which are on atkins) :heh:
laugh a day... ....
what is the fastest thing in scotland?
A: A virgin sheep:heh: :heh::heh::heh: That was gross but funny as hell b/c I ended up almost choking.
Here's something that only seems to work for me and no one else :hmm:
Google search
Weapons of Mass Destruction
click I'm feeling lucky
if you are lucky, you will get a page that looks like a webpage cannot be found page....read it before getting pissed
if you're not, you'll get a online casino site.
hobobaggins
2004-05-06, 00:54
http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/index.html
i guess it is about time to reveal the source of many of my funnies.
the sheep section is pretty good,
the hellen keller one gets old fast (they start repeating themselves IN THE SAME POST!)
My tribute,
I'll keep it limited to one a day. Like we all should, right Hobo
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
hobobaggins
2004-05-06, 14:09
palani- BRILLIANT.
ive got one( already sent it to pathyfinder, hillarious, but just plain wrong :) )
:twitch:
so here is another one.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"
palani- BRILLIANT.
ive got one( already sent it to pathyfinder, hillarious, but just plain wrong :) )
:twitch:
so here is another one.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"
That one cracked me up. It may be plain wrong but it's plain hilarious too.
:D this thread is killing me it's just too funny :heh: hum Don't know If you'll like it, but wanted to contribute some stuff too...btw their all images...
ooeh...well what can I say...
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/Illusion.jpg
hehe...
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/Goodbye.jpg
bomb...
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/bomb.jpg
hum could be little cruel :)
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/0Easter0.jpg
is this for real? :twitch:
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/bombtech1.jpg
Mr_Paper
2004-05-06, 15:42
is this for real? :twitch:
http://www.6v6gt.com/humor/bombtech1.jpgYes, it is. A friend of mine has one of them. Unfortunately he isn't saying where he found it either. >.>;
hobobaggins
2004-05-06, 15:49
the bomb and the pumpkins were the best,
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and
walks up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to let this get to him, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
"And you know what?" the guy says returning once again. "Your mother was
squealing the whole time!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
http://www.jinxhackwear.com/images/products/229bgBlack.jpg
I don't know why I only know dirty jokes. MAybe because the only English jokes I know I learned in the States. ;) :P
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass out in Front"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,
"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,
"Nun has the Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states,
"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Lina Inverse
2004-05-07, 07:48
The texas chili one was absolutely hilarious! :)
hobobaggins
2004-05-07, 10:58
The texas chili one was absolutely hilarious! :)
glad someone liked it :)
A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."
A young doctor had moved into a small town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:
"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids"
The town fathers were greatly upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
"Queers & Rears"
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor finally came up with an acceptable sign:
"Odds & Ends"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
three jokes for you lina!
I've got another, not really offensive, just to be sure
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog.
hobobaggins
2004-05-07, 12:04
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
there you go... palani- overused punchline :(
EDIT
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a
beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
It[singlequote]s a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
Soldier; Why is it that the sergeant can run so far?
SGT: Thats because im a monster and monsters have little monsters that bite them in the ass and that makes them run faster... and if you dont want me as a monster to bite your ass then you should better damn well speed up!
Of course this is taken from reallife... and heres ones from my commanding officers.
"Well... there are those that run around and sing. We just stand still and look hard"
"Vel**** STOP LOOKING SO *beeeep* PATHETIC!"
"A soldiers combat value stands in direct proportions to the weight of his backpack and the miles he have walked and in reverse proportion to the level och food and rest he´s had. Besides these factors a shovel to the groin or alternatively behind the knee will give a major boost"
or something like that
hobobaggins
2004-05-08, 01:16
There's a military man in the trenches during a fire fight in Vietnam. He is deathly afraid that he is going to die without getting laid again. In an act of disgust he throws down his weapon and goes charging out of the trench despite the warnings from his fellow military men. Time passes by and everyone thinks he is surely dead. Three hours later, he emerges from the smoke to everyone's surprise. Hopping down into the trench with a ciggarette in his mouth and a grin on his face, his brothers in war exclaim, "I'm surprised you're even alive!!...So, did you get any pussy while you were out there?" With the smirk on his face growing he replied, "I sure did, it was some Vietnamese bitch. I f___ her ___, then I ___her up the___and I ___ on her __!" With their jaws dropped to the ground they managed to ask, "She didn't suck your dick?" To which he replied, "No, I couldn't find her head!!!!"
There's a military man in the trenches during a fire fight in Vietnam. He is deathly afraid that he is going to die without getting laid again. In an act of disgust he throws down his weapon and goes charging out of the trench despite the warnings from his fellow military men. Time passes by and everyone thinks he is surely dead. Three hours later, he emerges from the smoke to everyone's surprise. Hopping down into the trench with a ciggarette in his mouth and a grin on his face, his brothers in war exclaim, "I'm surprised you're even alive!!...So, did you get any pussy while you were out there?" With the smirk on his face growing he replied, "I sure did, it was some Vietnamese bitch. I f___ her ___, then I ___her up the___and I ___ on her __!" With their jaws dropped to the ground they managed to ask, "She didn't suck your dick?" To which he replied, "No, I couldn't find her head!!!!"
I found it funny
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack". The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person". He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders, and then pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was very impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room where the only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob. Take your pick."
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them's a cannibal."
hobobaggins
2004-05-08, 03:24
i thought the punchline would be "but one of them has aids"
:twitch:
An old farmer is walking by his fence one day and sees a lady stuck in the fence. He goes to the lady..."Damn, your the third pregnant woman I've gotten out of this fence this week." The woman goes "I'm not pregnant" The farmer goes "I haven't gotten you out of the fence yet"
Bob asks his wife to watch the bar for awhile as he has to run some errands.While Bob is gone an old friend, Fred, comes in..orders a beer and asks for Bob..wife tells him he'll be back shortly.. while drinking his beer..he tells the wife if she'll show him her right breast he'll pay her $100 dollars.. she thinks about it for awhile and says what the hell.. she shows him her right breast.. he pays her the money and tells her for peek of her left breast he'll pay her another $100..she picks up her shirt and shows him her left breast..he pays her..orders another drink..and tells her, he'll pay her $200 dollars to see both breasts and just rub them a little..she objects at first then says what the hell.. picks up her shirt, shows off both breasts..Fred rubs them a little.. pays her, finishes his drink and leaves the bar.. a short while later Bob comes back and asks how things were.. the wife tells him that an old friend of his stopped in.... Bob asks if it was Fred..and the wife says yes.. Bob then asks if he left the $400 dollars Fred owed him!!!!!
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender if he's in a betting mood
"Oh I'm always in a betting mood" replies the bartender, "Okay" says the man I bet you $100 I can lick my left eye" The bartender is sure this is impossible and bets. Sure enough the man pulls out his glass eye and licks it, the bartender pays him and the man leaves. The next day the same man walks in and says "Bartender are you in a bettin' mood?"
"Oh I'm always in a bettin' mood" says the bartender so the man bets another $100 he can lick his right eye. The bartender thinks no way in hell can this man have to glass eyes, so he agrees. Sure enough the man takes out hs right glass eye and licks it. The bartender pays up.
The next day the man walks in and asks the bartender if he's in a bettin mood. This time the bartenders a little hesitant but asks what the bet is. The man says I bet ya $500 I can piss straight in that shot glass and not get a dop of it anywhere else. " The bartender thinks this nearly impossible and agrees. The man whips out his dick pisses all over the bar all over the floor and all over the bartender. The bartender pleased that he just one the bet starts laughing and so does the man.
The bartender says now I know why I'm so happy but what the hell are you laughing at?" The man says
"See that guy in the corner, I just bet hin $1,000 I'd piss all over you and your bar and alls you'd do was laugh!"
Let's put this back on page one.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
CerealKiller
2004-05-10, 16:16
just found some funny 'short jokes'
no 1. (http://userpage.chemie.fu-berlin.de/diverse/murphy/murphy2.html)
no 2. (http://userpage.chemie.fu-berlin.de/diverse/murphy/murphy_e.html)
here are some of the best
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.
I saw way more once, but can't find em yet
EDIT these should be all (http://dmawww.epfl.ch/roso.mosaic/dm/murphy.html#love)
hobobaggins
2004-05-10, 18:11
Aww too bad i'm just crappy at saying jokes, i can't help you :help:
go spam somewhere else. you give me a bad name.
There was a guy who had a really bad stuttering problem. His wife kept telling him "if you keep stuttering im going to get a divorce" He still didnt get the problem fixed. so she told him again "if you keep stuttering im going to get a divorce and i mean it!" so he finally decides to go to the doctor.
The doctor looks at him and tells him to strip
so the man does.
the doctor says oh there is your problem, your dick is to big.
the man replies wwwwhaat cccan iiiii dooooo?
the doctor goes well you can get it chopped off... so the man agrees to go into surgery and comes out without stuttering.
a couple months later (after recovery) he comes back to the doctor and says: "my wife keeps telling me i need to get my dick back because its to small and she keeps threatining me...so i want it back"
the doctor looks at him and says: "iiiii'm sooorrrry nnno reeeeefundddds"
EDIT
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, 'Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!' The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
'C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. 'Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!' says the Redhead. 'No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!' 'OK' says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell 'Jump! You have to jump!' 'No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!' yelled the Blonde. 'No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!'
'Look,' the Blonde says, 'nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .'
OutPhase
2004-05-13, 16:02
Real essays by real stupid people. (http://douglas.min.net/essay/)
I almost died laughing reading this. What a bunch of idiots!
ok I found more pics
exams
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/analexams.jpg
chicken anyone?
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/newmcnuggets.jpg
Zelgadis
2004-05-13, 20:56
I laughed so hard with that chili one it hurt. Thanks hobobaggins.
Here are my contributions for today. Most are kinda old but good.
Old but good website updated constantly: Japanese Engrish (http://www.engrish.com)
The story of Jack Schitt
Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons. Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a sone named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy little member named Pisa Schitt and are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
NOW YOU CAN PROUDLY PROCLAIM, "I KNOW THE TRUE STORY OF JACK SCHITT!"
You can't go wrong with these laws.
Laws of anime
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise isrendered
airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder becausethere is
no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. ArmoredMecha
are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does
something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and
lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either soquick
they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair wherethe
character gains much insight to the workings of society, humanexistence
or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical
damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn'teven
see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. Thisis
attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe ofthe
brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either
still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usuallyred
or white).
#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the
'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 differentangles.
#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corrallary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corrallary - Large cities are the most explosive substances
known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be themost
unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "TheMatchstick
City".
#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy
'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the
explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is relatedto
the Law of Inherent Combustability.#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to its size.
#15 - Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they
are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm
increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy ofthe
'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty ofthe
shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A
'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving
vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firingon a
'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will alwaysmiss.
First Corrallary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the lesslikely they
will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced withinsurmountable
odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the heroto
take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire andthen
escape.
Third Corrallary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy
fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a fleshwound
in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' fromdoing
anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, usingmelee
weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martialarts
maneuvres.
#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohiodisagrees
and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)
#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 galons of blood, sometimes more,under
high pressure.
#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes,
loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not
unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines fullof
cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeatedwith a
single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't....
#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things.... Like missing body parts,
or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice asannoying.
#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.
#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority
The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.
First Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than thebig
dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimesreferred
to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corrallary - The only people who are more stupid than the
American translators are the American editors and censors.
#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volumeat
which they are speaking.
#27 - Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any
#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a
single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a lastresort.
#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha isinversely
proportional to its complexity.
#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowessand/or
violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. Thisaura is
usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This isattributed
to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usuallyhell-bent on
destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#32 - Law of Follicular Chroma Varability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color.
This color can change without warning or explanation.
#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, isautomatically
aerodynamic.
#34 - Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless
of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any
female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her
clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow.
Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably weara
long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically
behind him.
First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
All anime characters are resistant to extremely coldtemperatures, and
do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Corny joke from back in the day but I liked it:
You're trapped in a room with no way out and all you have w/ you is a bat and a ball, what do you do?
strike 1, strike 2, strike 3 and you're out :p
Oneesama
2004-05-13, 21:05
Real essays by real stupid people. (http://douglas.min.net/essay/)
I almost died laughing reading this. What a bunch of idiots!
You ALMOST KILLED ME WITH THOSE!!!
hobobaggins
2004-05-14, 10:43
I laughed so hard with that chili one it hurt. Thanks hobobaggins.
glad to know i am wanted! :P
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
Nuttin' beats mutton
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be
home early
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
Sheep never insist on eating out
You'll never catch your sheep masturbating
Jose and his son were sitting on top of a hill, outside the township that Jose had founded. Jose turned to his son and began to speak.
'My son, I trecked through uncharted wilderness and many dangers to find the place to build this fine town, but do they call me 'Jose the explorer'? No.'
'And I built the beginnings and majority of this town. Eight out of ten homes were built by my hands,' he indicated towards the town, 'but do they call me 'Jose the constructor'? No.'
'And I farmed five thousand acres of land with no aid from anybody, with cattle, sheep, and a great deal of produce, but do they call me 'Jose the farmer'? No.'
'But you fuck one lousy goat....'
source: ebaumsworld
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
On request, here's a joke
One day, there was 3 men at heaven's gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I've only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I've only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I've never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a cadilac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadilac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you've always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".
hobobaggins
2004-05-19, 01:37
Palani, an oldie but a goodie :)
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
Palani, an oldie but a goodie :)
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
:heh: OMG that was great, i can't belive someone would say that on the radio though :heh:
Palani, an oldie but a goodie :)
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
LMAO!!! So did they win or what? :D
dragonz20
2004-06-04, 12:48
Palani, an oldie but a goodie :)
On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
(long, long pause)
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
wow. LOL!!! hilarious.. I seriously hope they won for all their troubles...
Mr_Paper
2004-06-04, 13:07
They should have won just for answer that question, regardless of it being right or wrong. :D
hobobaggins
2004-06-04, 22:58
They should have won just for answer that question, regardless of it being right or wrong. :D
bet the stockholders werent that pleased though.
HEY YOU! get to posting jokes!!! :frustrated:
here. i will
A 70 year old man is getting married to a 25 year old woman. He has been having some erectile problems due to his age, but doesn't want to disapoint his new bride on their wedding night, so he goes to a sexual therapist. The therapist suggests manual stimulation just prior to the love making and the man desides to give it a shot. On the way home the man doesn't want to wait till he gets home to try the therapists suggestion, so he pulls to the side of the highway and climbs under his car. He desides that if anyone asks what he is doing he will just tell them that he is checking his rear axle. After a few minutes the man is in fantasy land. His eyes are closed and everything is working just fine. He hears some foot steps coming up to him and opens his eyes to find a cop standing over him. The cop looks down with distain and asks, "what the hell are you doing?!" The man replies, "just checking my rear axle, sir." The cop chuckles and says, "Well, you should have been checking you brakes because you car rolled back down the hill about three minutes ago."
OutPhase
2004-06-06, 01:51
The Best Page in the Universe (http://maddox.xmission.com/)
It's damn funny.
Warning: You might be offended about some of the things on the site. (Oh wait, you will be offended.)
Have a good time.
hobobaggins
2004-06-06, 01:53
The Best Page in the Universe (http://maddox.xmission.com/)
It's damn funny.
Warning: You might be offended about some of the things on the site. (Oh wait, you will be offended.)
Have a good time.
thats not funny? a link to the bible? oh wait. thats maddox. and che.
... ...
:hmm: a bit old, but at least people are posting funny stuff!
solidsonya
2004-06-06, 02:02
hahaha, the jokes on this thread are funny!!
my *smile* muscles have been thoroughly exercised.
^^hehe, i like most of maddox's articles.
Sid_Burn
2004-06-06, 10:35
all those jokes are funny... I guess...
gravitation
2004-06-06, 13:22
:heh: A guy walks in to a bar...ouch!
Wow, damn, that is just too much for you guys to bear!
:D
kakashilion
2004-06-06, 13:37
5 amazing jokes
For this joke you need to know that irish and welsh people are considered stupid for no reason.
1) an irish man and a welsh man are walking through a forest and suddenly the irish man falls down a hole.
welsh man : "did you break anyhting mate"
irish man : "no, theres nothing down here to break"
welsh man : "is it dark down there?"
irish man : "i dont know i can't see anything"
welsh man : "do you want me to call you an ambulance?"
irish man : "yeah, ok"
welsh man : "haha your an ambulance"
2) man walks into a bar and sees three ducks.
Duck one :hello
man : wow you can talk, whats your name and what you been doing today
duck one : im harry and I have been in and out of puddles all day, its been great.
Man : really and what about you
Duck two : im steve and I have been in and out of puddles all day as well, its been great.
Man : ok and what about you
Duck three : I’m puddles and I have had a shit day
(for all you stupid people this joke is a play on words. You think the first 2 ducks mean they go in and out of water puddles but they mean in and out of another duck called "puddles")
again you'll only get this one if you live in england and know what welsh people are like, anyway...
3) a welsh man is with his horse and his pigs in a field when he is greeted by a strange man we will call roger.
roger : hello wanna see something cool
welsh man : ok
roger : try speak to your horse
welsh man (to horse) : hello mr. horse
horse : hello jackass, hows about giving me some food
welsh man : wow that’s amazing how did you do that
roger : that’s not all, try and speak with your pigs
welsh man (to pig) : hello piggy
pig : who you calling piggy
welsh man : bloody hell how did u do that
roger : that’s not all I can make sheep talk as well
welsh man : NOO don’t listen to them their all liars
(again for stupid people: welsh people are known for shagging sheep, the welsh guy dosnt want roger to let the sheep tell him that he shags the sheep :heh: )
4) 2 irish people are walking through a desert and are very thirsty. They stumble across a bar. They walk in and ask the barman for a drink but they have no money.
irish guys : please give us a drink we’ll do anything to pay for it
Barman : ok. I have this horrible disease which means I have loadsa scabs on my body. You can have a drink if you pick em all off
irish guys : ok mate. But it only takes one of us.
(after rock, paper, scissors one irish man sits outsideof the pub) an hour later :
the one irish man finishes picking the scabs, puts them in a black bag and throws them outside the bar. He then gets the drinks and brings them outside
irish man : look I got the drinks
irish man outside : you wont believe it I found a black bag full of pork scratchings. I spose I should have saved you some.
5) an irish man, a welsh man, a Scottish man, a jewish man and a Chinese man walk in to a bar.
The barman says : “what is this some kind of joke”
hobobaggins
2004-06-06, 13:59
kakashilion was the only one to post any jokes??? :l
Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?
Because Sheep can hear Zippers
what do you get...
...when you cross a sheep with a Welshman?
I don't know, but I've seen it tried.
One day the teacher walked in the class and seen the word penis written on the board in very small letters. She payed it no mind she just took her hand and rubbed it off the board. The next day penis was written on the board but this time a little bigger. She rubbed it off again. This continued for the next week and each time the words became bigger. She walked in the classroom expecting to rub the word off the board again but this particular day the board read. The more u rub it the bigger it gets
OutPhase
2004-06-06, 17:53
An anti-Bush joke! A favorite of mine.
Q: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?
A: Seven:
1.one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced,
2.one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,
3.one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,
4.one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a
secret stockpile of lightbulbs,
5.one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,
6.one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
7.and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.
I cracked up when I read that joke.
http://www.flamingmailbox.com/maccomedy/movies/ibrator.html
hobobaggins
2004-06-06, 20:55
http://www.flamingmailbox.com/maccomedy/movies/ibrator.html
:( :sad: doesnt load. do i need flashplayer?
Zelgadis
2004-06-06, 22:27
Looks like you need Quicktime to play the link above... iBrator .. You get the idea...
Hmmm Looking through my archived links... I know these are old.
Simon's Stuff (http://bofh.ntk.net) - Be sure to read Bastard Operator From Hell and a few other Writings...
Oxymorons (http://www.oxymoronlist.com/) - Need I say more.
Fun with Words (http://www.fun-with-words.com/) is a place to find many jokes and many other fun wordplay. This page also has a lot of good links.
hobobaggins
2004-06-06, 22:47
Looks like you need Quicktime to play the link above... iBrator .. You get the idea...
Hmmm Looking through my archived links... I know these are old.
Simon's Stuff (http://bofh.ntk.net) - Be sure to read Bastard Operator From Hell and a few other Writings...
Oxymorons (http://www.oxymoronlist.com/) - Need I say more.
Fun with Words (http://www.fun-with-words.com/) is a place to find many jokes and many other fun wordplay. This page also has a lot of good links.
brilliant!!!
(BTW: did you frequent ApezRO forums?)
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimy?
Shut up, you little snot.
Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?
Shut up and shoot again!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Zelgadis
2004-06-06, 23:06
brilliant!!!
(BTW: did you frequent ApezRO forums?)
No. I don't frequent many forums. Wow, ApezRO is a big forum though.
dragonz20
2004-06-07, 12:52
Since everyone has been in a political bashing mood, here's a few quotes to hopefully brighten your day:
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money. --G. Gordon Liddy
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey (1992)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke
Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else. --Frederic Bastiat
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free.
--P.J. O'Rourke
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you. --Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is
in session.--Mark Twain (1866)
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.
-Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle.
--Winston Churchill
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. --Edward
Langley
and finally, from our most recently deceased former US President (RIP),
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
it stops
moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Light hearted Bush humour from Russia - Last SuperPower
Condoleeza Rice and Dubya are in the Oval Office...
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.!
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.Can you get Chinese food
in the Middle East?
OutPhase
2004-06-07, 13:55
Bushisms:
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?
Europe should have more countries.
I know how hard it must be to put food on your family.
I understand small business growth, I was one.
The ground grounds me.
To the C students, I say to you: you, too, can be president of the United States.
I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.
They misunderestimated me.
You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass the literary test.
These are real quotes said by Dubya.
Funny G.W. B pictures
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_lordoftherings.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/diebold_ad_charm.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_dance_tabletop.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/osama_bush_captured.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_baghdad_bob_animated.gif
Great pictures Cammie. I really like this one
NOOGIE!
http://free.one.picturehost.co.uk/noogie.jpg
:D
hobobaggins
2004-06-07, 17:37
cammie, slade, razor2mb, dragon,
good job. keep up the good work. and done be afraid to compliment people :)
slades' picture i think takes the cake.
lol... thanks hobobaggins and Slade.
heres a few more ;)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_iraqidinar.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_election_horsemen.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_babesagainstbush.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_lickbushin04.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_republicard.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_gladiator.jpg
lol... thanks hobobaggins and Slade.
heres a few more ;)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_babesagainstbush.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_lickbushin04.jpg
LOL, now that is the best propaganda I've ever seen :heh:
OutPhase
2004-06-07, 19:28
Behold! More Bush hate pictures!
http://home.twcny.rr.com/felicity/pope_bush.jpg
http://home.twcny.rr.com/felicity/timemag.jpg
http://home.twcny.rr.com/felicity/threestooges.jpg
http://home.twcny.rr.com/felicity/oz.jpg
http://www.bushorchimp.com/images/pic81.jpg
http://www.bushorchimp.com/images/pic36.jpg
http://www.bushorchimp.com/images/pic66.jpg
Bush dance! (http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/downloads/bushboogies.mov)
Now the finale: A Flashimation Doll of Bushisms:
The Bush doll! (http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/shockwave/bushisms.htm)
Behold my true hatred of Dubya!
hobobaggins
2004-06-07, 23:35
lol... thanks hobobaggins and Slade.
heres a few more ;)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_election_horsemen.jpg
and cammie takes the lead!!! :D
that was great!
LOL!! Those Bush pics are funny! You guys are great! :bow:
...
You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
This is so true! :heh: *guilty as charged*
Eh, I don't really have anything, so here's a nun joke from another forum. :uhoh:
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down.
(and you were thinking it would end differently)
hobobaggins
2004-06-08, 00:37
:upset: now im gonna have to top that? ridiculous!
A woman awoke in the middle of the night and discovered her husband was gone. She heard some faint noises coming from downstairs and got up to see what he was doing, following the sounds she walked to the kitchen and noticed the basement door open. When she looked down in the basement she saw her husband curled up in a corner sobbing, she asked him" what was wrong?" He replied, "remember when your Dad caught us having sex and he said if I didnt marry you he would make sure I got 20 years in Jail?" "Yes" she said. Well today is the day I would have gotten out, the man sobbed.
damn. used mommy mommy jokes.
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/enter2.jpg
http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/sticky%20fingers.jpg
http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/Ambitous%20Dog.jpg
puppy love...
GRAND FINALE!
http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/Class%20Picture.jpg
I got some
http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/1467/normal_book4.jpg
http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/8279/normal_book7.jpg
http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/1285/2905.jpg
http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/1289/wactus.jpg
hobobaggins
2004-06-08, 10:42
http://www.fosta.net/photos/funny/funny-this-is-why-women-can.jpg
http://dali.feld.cvut.cz/kecy/upload/obrazky/funny.jpg
http://dali.feld.cvut.cz/kecy/upload/obrazky/funny.jpg
uhh? hmmm... gross!!! disgusting! yuck! ok you win! :)
few more!
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_paybax.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_liarliar.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/bush_enolabush.jpg
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_botox_ad.jpg
OutPhase
2004-06-08, 11:50
http://img.imagetown.net/64311895.gif
My first creation ever made on the internet over 150x150.
:sniff: It's beautiful.
Ok ok I'll attempt at making a joke that hopefully not everyone already knows :uhoh:
One day, a woman who was pregnant with triplets was shot three times in the stomach by an assilant. The woman was taken to the hospital and treated, but the doctors decided not to extract the bullets for fear of harming the triplets. The children were born, 2 girls and one boy, and all were completely healthy to the woman's relief. 16 years later, one day one of the woman's daughters runs into her room in tears screaming "Mommy mommy!" The mother asks "What is it dear what on Earth is wrong?" The girl sobs "I was taking a pee and a bullet came out!" The surprised mother says "Oh really? Well the truth is..." and tells the girl the story of what happened when she was pregnant. The girl wipes her tears and says "Ok I understand now". The next day the other daughter bursts into her mother's room in tears saying "Mommy mommy! I was taking a pee and a bullet came out!" Once again the mother explains the story to the girl, whom is then relieved. The next day the mother's son comes into the room, sobbing and crying his poor heart out and says "Mom......mom......" and the mother says "Oh I know you were taking a pee and a bullet came out right?" The son sniffs and says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
:D
CerealKiller
2004-06-08, 15:25
this one's quite old, but still funny clicky (http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/hentai.htm)
hobobaggins
2004-06-08, 15:48
Ok ok I'll attempt at making a joke that hopefully not everyone already knows :uhoh:
One day, a woman who was pregnant with triplets was shot three times in the stomach by an assilant. The woman was taken to the hospital and treated, but the doctors decided not to extract the bullets for fear of harming the triplets. The children were born, 2 girls and one boy, and all were completely healthy to the woman's relief. 16 years later, one day one of the woman's daughters runs into her room in tears screaming "Mommy mommy!" The mother asks "What is it dear what on Earth is wrong?" The girl sobs "I was taking a pee and a bullet came out!" The surprised mother says "Oh really? Well the truth is..." and tells the girl the story of what happened when she was pregnant. The girl wipes her tears and says "Ok I understand now". The next day the other daughter bursts into her mother's room in tears saying "Mommy mommy! I was taking a pee and a bullet came out!" Once again the mother explains the story to the girl, whom is then relieved. The next day the mother's son comes into the room, sobbing and crying his poor heart out and says "Mom......mom......" and the mother says "Oh I know you were taking a pee and a bullet came out right?" The son sniffs and says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
:D
The ending i knew was "I shot my girlfriend in the ass!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Thanks!!
OutPhase
2004-06-08, 19:24
http://img.imagetown.net/53123428.gif
I couldn't resist, I needed to make this.....
LoveOfAnime
2004-06-12, 16:50
Here's my funny today...............Hope you all enjoy this........
http://free.one.picturehost.co.uk/howard_dean.jpg
Here's my funny today...............Hope you all enjoy this........
http://free.one.picturehost.co.uk/howard_dean.jpg
LOL, I like that one :D
ok heres my pic of the day!
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=politicalhumor&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bushflash.com%2Funb.html
click the format you would like to view this clip on. :)
mantidor
2004-06-20, 19:30
I found this comic and it was very funny! now I don't want to offend any yaoi fan girls because I honestly love you all :D , just remember this can be aplied to yuri as well :heh:
http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/6278/1087496450100.jpg
maybe I find it funny because her head explodes :uhoh:, Probably a consecuence of watching to much anime :heh:
hobobaggins
2004-06-21, 13:14
I found this comic and it was very funny! now I don't want to offend any yaoi fan girls because I honestly love you all :D , just remember this can be aplied to yuri as well :heh:
http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/6278/1087496450100.jpg
maybe I find it funny because her head explodes :uhoh:, Probably a consecuence of watching to much anime :heh:
nice mantidor :)
glad you are keeping this thread (somewhat) alive!
just a bit sexist One night a little boy was awakened by noise coming from his parents bedroom. As he silently stood by the door and peeked through the keyhole, he saw his mother and dad screwing. The next morning, he asked his mother what they were doing. She replied: "Well, that's how you get babies. The following night, the incident repeated itself and the little boy saw his mother putting his Dad's penis in her mouth. The next morning he asked his mother the same question. She replied "That's how you get jewelry." okay. really sexist.
**somewhat** clean fun.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so
they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on
the right wakes up and says,
"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same
dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says,
"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
OK! guys heres my pics for today
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/trans/images/petrolprice.jpg
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/money.jpg
OutPhase
2004-06-28, 00:05
http://www.asksnoop.com/shizzolator.php?url=http://forums.animesuki.com/
Animesuki has now been Shizzolated!
http://www.asksnoop.com/shizzolator.php?url=http://www.akddr.com/mypage.shtml
I only chose this site because there's a lot of text n' shit, yo. ^_^
LilleNisse
2004-07-01, 18:37
Doh, nobady has written anything for a long time here now... Il do a desperet try to get this thread alive.
Some of you might of seen this one befor
http://www.mercedes.nu/funstuff/images/Divorce_Sept_11_Style.jpg
I just cant stop laughting at it.
And resenetly when I was vissiting som relativs of mine I heard somthing that had happened too one of them.
I've got this little cussin there (I dont even know hes age but around 6-8 I would gues... Might not be little to all here but is to me). Hes got a friend that lives nearby. And that friend is vissiting them almost every day. And he doesnt feel like going home to eat so he had started to tell my uncle "ohh but thats my favorit food" everytime they where gona eat. So that he got to eat there and didnt have to go home. And when my uncle really started to realise that he thought he was gona try the boy. So next day when he said he was gona start of with dinner the boy asked him "What are you having for dinner?". And my uncle answerd "Roadkilled squirl with oil for cars". The boy had looked at him for awill. Then he answerd "Thats my favorit!". I mean, what parrents lets hes kids eat that? Might not seem to be fun at all becus this is a story that shod be told. Becus the kid cant really speak so well swedish, hes adopted. And he sounds so funny and cute when he talks :heh:
Please people, lets make this a active thread. I love a good laught and I beat you to :)
Dont be offended please
http://ebay.istheshit.net/images/lcfpthvm.jpg
OutPhase
2004-07-02, 23:19
Dont be offended please
http://ebay.istheshit.net/images/lcfpthvm.jpg
Please let me kep this image in my lj (livejlournal), but I won't direct link ^_^.
Zelgadis
2004-07-03, 01:53
Ok to keep this place alive, here are a few links to my favorite online comics.
Sinfest (http://www.sinfest.net) - Regular black and white comics. Try the back issues they are a regular riot.
MegaTokyo (http://www.megatokyo.com) - Black and white comic page format. Anime humor is a little off kilter.
AppleGeeks (http://www.applegeeks.com) - Color comics page format. Apple flavored humor.
Newspaper Comics (http://www.comics.com) - For those whom want their everyday newspaper comics minus the paper.
GreenTze
2004-07-03, 18:07
I found this (http://www.jengajam.com/r/Chinese-Pepsi-Ad) pretty funny.
BTW, are they actual characters for a Chinese action show?
OutPhase
2004-07-18, 22:13
I've got two new sites today:
Bush and Kerry bashing: This Land (http://www.plur.net/thisland.html)
Web Comic: AMD (A Modest Destiny) (http://www.squidi.net/viewcomic.php?date=03-01-01)
Enjoy!
I'm pretty sure no one needs more evidence of Bush's stupidity but it's just so damn funny!
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
-George W. Bush Jr.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/08/05/bush.ap/index.html
So who's voting Bush? :nono:
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-07, 17:38
To GreenTze: me too
I'm pretty sure no one needs more evidence of Bush's stupidity but it's just so damn funny!
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
-George W. Bush Jr.
Does he means that american will never stop thinking about new ways to harm their own country and people?
I just love the stupid warning messages you can find on some products:
Some examples:
"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
If you want more: go to this (http://rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml) site and enjoy!
I am looking for a website with stupid computer related messages (generally error messages); if you find one, tell me!
Edit: I just discovered the rest of the website (http://rinkworks.com/said/) ; I am currently reading the accident reports and it's too darn funny! :D
http://www.asksnoop.com/shizzolator.php?url=http://forums.animesuki.com/
Animesuki has now been Shizzolated!
http://www.asksnoop.com/shizzolator.php?url=http://www.akddr.com/mypage.shtml
I only chose this site because there's a lot of text n' shit, yo. ^_^
Hahaha! Nice work there my friend. :D
hobobaggins
2004-08-15, 14:28
omg. it revived!
here is one..
FFXI joke
http://server6.uploadit.org/files/hobobaggins-hobokabobs.jpg
Shoeshefied
2004-08-15, 20:23
Ahaha, these pictures are very amusinggg, ...let the loadings begin.. ... these i found on a japanese site, hah! :p
POst some up if you have anythinggg funnae!!
http://img29.exs.cx/img29/6113/1083562476576.jpg
dooodd!!
:bow: http://img29.exs.cx/img29/6835/1083594577027.jpg
:p http://img37.exs.cx/img37/354/headset.jpg
hahahha!!
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/7674/1083735299021.jpg
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/723/1083833715147.jpg
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/8390/1083864903001.jpg
SHes hip!!
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/1191/1083770500409.jpg
YesH!!
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/3075/img20040812162836.jpg
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/2593/img20040812162728.jpg
AHahah!! so coool
...............
.................
................be very amaze... next one, is not an illusion nor is it...(hint: still picture)
:bash: http://img37.exs.cx/img37/5938/loll.jpg
OutPhase
2004-08-15, 20:54
First off, some of these pictures have absolutly nothing to do with anime and the ons that do will most likely fit in the cosplay thread in general chat.
As for the thread itself I can't see it livinng very long, but the mods might keep it anyway if you're lucky.
Also I can't see how an illusion has anything to do with anime. As intreging it may be, it doesn't really fit in any thread, I'm afraid.
Shoeshefied
2004-08-15, 21:01
First off, some of these pictures have absolutly nothing to do with anime and the ons that do will most likely fit in the cosplay thread in general chat.
As for the thread itself I can't see it livinng very long, but the mods might keep it anyway if you're lucky.
aw, come on i know, i wouldnt post this up if i didnt had a reason, (well thats why they have them sorters just in handy). Just some laughs and kick i wanted to share. You guys can go bak to anime all you want..
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-15, 21:38
http://img37.exs.cx/img37/7674/1083735299021.jpg
I never saw synchronise swimming done by figurine before. Will we see them at Athenes Olympics?
................be very amaze... next one, is not an illusion nor is it...(hint: still picture)
:bash: http://img37.exs.cx/img37/5938/loll.jpg
:eyespin: :eyespin: :eyespin: Oh... i feel.... si...sick now!
OutPhase
2004-08-15, 22:55
Dear God! How could we forget about Homestar Runner (http://homestarrunner.com/main1.html)?
Personal favorite part of the site: Strong Bad''s e-mail (http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail.html)
Enjoy!
I have to say... that ichi ni san shi pun was really funny :D
this belongs in the "General Discussion" forum as it has little to nothing to do with anime
Plz don't take offence.
Why do they not like tellephones In China? Because theres so many Wings and so many Wongs, they might Wing the Wong Number :heh:
These Cartoon Strips gave me some good laughs
http://free.one.picturehost.co.uk/040816.jpg
http://www.snafu-comics.com/
and since AVP was recently released, a retrospect on face huggers-
http://free.one.picturehost.co.uk/040809.jpg
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-17, 21:32
Cats invasion
http://server6.uploadit.org/files/Tamama200-TerroristCat.JPG
http://server6.uploadit.org/files/Tamama200-SniperCat.JPG
Necrodeath
2004-08-17, 22:59
Cats invasion
http://server6.uploadit.org/files/Tamama200-SniperCat.JPG
0mg!1 ph34r t3h 4wp k!tty!1
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-18, 11:52
0mg!1 ph34r t3h 4wp k!tty!1
??????????? What did you say?
hobobaggins
2004-08-18, 13:18
eh~ come on you guys... Strongbad? you can do better.
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet
<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
<tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
<tatclass> er.
<tatclass> hi.
<andy\code> A common typo.
<tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?
<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
<SpaceRain> STUPID
I would like to comment on the dysfunctional styles and schemes of people's blog today. I have read many blogs recently since my boss is out of town in Arizona and I have nothing to do but rot my mind with some people's mindless-drivel blog entries.
If the superintendant read some of the crap you people write, he'll be out of a job faster than I can finish typing the rest of this sentence.
1. Imagine if our "beloved" president had a webpage dedicated to his life or journal entry that has him type like this: "hI meeZ NaMe iSz gEoRgE W. bUsH. (do you people not find this embarrassing to yourself for writing garbage like this?). The problem with this, is that it's really hard to read because our eyes aren't used to it. Hell I'll even admit that I used to think that style of typing is "cool" until I realized I didn't want a job flipping frozen meat over a hot steel plate.
2. I am now going to return back on topic as to why some people's blog sucks. One site i read was with a grey background onto a really light white text. That is impossible to read you idiot. I know the reason why you actually did that...It is so that you can hide the disgusting level of english grammar you have so that no one would actually be able to think that you suck in writing. Hence, if you don't understand what i just wrote, and I'm sure 99% of you don't...this is my example...i'm going to turn this into a chinese saying. People cannot judge you if they cannot understand you.
hobobaggins
2004-08-18, 13:34
I would like to comment on the dysfunctional styles and schemes of people's blog today.
what in holy hell is a blog?
ahaha. forgot one.
<Beeth> Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
<honx> well, you can stil get one from a strange country :-P
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-18, 13:46
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Ok before laughing correctly about this i would like someone to clarify something for me... What does wang means? you can PM me the answer if it is what i think it is.
If i did...i never laugh so hard in my entire life :D
those type of jokes always makes people laugh and i guess we'll never know why.
Ok before laughing correctly about this i would like someone to clarify something for me... What does wang means? you can PM me the answer if it is what i think it is.
If i did...i never laugh so hard in my entire life :D
those type of jokes always makes people laugh and i guess we'll never know why.
Really? I think these "Private Parts" jokes are really stupid. Best jokes are Racism, Sexism, Religion, Sex and things that are true.
hobobaggins
2004-08-19, 11:17
okay, i will give you guys the better ones.
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE
<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(
<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
<hokage> *cries*, scary....
<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...
<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
<Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
<Celestya> i dont think so
<Mikkel> Wanna go camping?
OutPhase
2004-08-19, 12:11
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
Holy fucking crap! I've seen pages talking about sex that aren't nearly as dirty as this. This woman needs to get laid right now because her perverted fantasies are being written in her overhyped books. Come on girl.
Nobody has an 11 inch wang. If I'm wrong then God help us all.
I wonder how many of her sex fantasies were written in her books. Now I know why the books are so popular and all, what with now she just created book sex. Congrats, you lonely girl. There was a reason why we drew the line at cyber sex, so we couldn't have this spawn in the world.
:Sigh: So much for it being a childrens book. :rolleyes:
0mg!1 ph34r t3h 4wp k!tty!1
In English: OMG! Fear the amp kitty!!
I might be off by a letter or two in the translation.
Necrodeath
2004-08-19, 23:07
In English: OMG! Fear the amp kitty!!
I might be off by a letter or two in the translation.
Heh :heh:
Only one ^^
OMG! Fear the awp kitty!!
(awp is a weapon in Counter-Strike)
This is the funniest shit I've seen all day:
http://img48.exs.cx/img48/8128/autgrafo.jpg
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-20, 21:21
0mg!1 ph34r t3h 4wp k!tty!1
In English: OMG! Fear the amp kitty!!
I might be off by a letter or two in the translation.
In what language it was?
OutPhase
2004-08-21, 11:28
In what language it was?
The impossible language of l33t . Poeple speak but others don't know what the hell they're saying, like pig latin or some other inconprehensible language.
Now here's Your Moment of Zen brought to you by Purplehaze9 (http://www.livejournal.com/users/purplehaze9/):
http://www-user.tu-chemnitz.de/~tibu/bilder/screenshot-communism.jpg
okay, i will give you guys the better ones.
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE
<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(
<link>once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
<hokage> *cries*, scary....
<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
These were great! :heh: I've read 'em before but they always crack me up.
I demand more IRC chat logs Hobo-san. :D
Btw, Razer_2mb, I love your sig! That was one of the funniest Strongbad emails I ever saw.
Whaddaya know, Haddi-man. :D
-----
Annoying things to do in a bathroom stall
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
--------
Allegedly drawn by an 8-yr-old passenger on a Quantus flight:
http://img50.exs.cx/img50/6102/notetothepilot.gif
Yogo_Pogo
2004-08-23, 09:01
Allegedly drawn by an 8-yr-old passenger on a Quantus flight:
http://img50.exs.cx/img50/6102/notetothepilot.gif
It's cute indead.
boneyjellyfish
2004-08-30, 07:54
News story (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=857&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20040829/od_uk_nm/oukoe_odd_china_chimpanzee)
Sexually frustrated chimp takes up smoking
Sun Aug 29, 7:47 AM ET
BEIJING (Reuters) - Sexual frustration has turned a Chinese chimpanzee from a mild-mannered simian into a problem primate who smokes cigarettes and spits at visitors, the Xinhua news agency says.
Feili, a female chimp in the city of Zhengzhou in the central province of Henan, picked up her nasty habits by imitating visitors who behaved "improperly" around her, Xinhua quoted zoo director Liu Bing as saying on Sunday.
But, Liu said, the root cause of Feili's transformation from a "gentle girl" into a "shrew" lay with the inability to find her a satisfactory mate.
A male chimpanzee at the zoo has failed to live up to Feili's sexual demands, and she has snubbed other potential suitors.
Zoo officials said Feili was not addicted to nicotine, but the chimp has also demonstrated clever -- if not desperate -- behaviour to score a smoke.
"The chimp is spitting at tourists and smoking," Xinhua quoted a boy visiting the zoo. "Just now a tourist threw a cigarette butt to just outside the cage, she tried to get the butt with a stick."
mantidor
2004-10-01, 16:27
with all these new threads I think this one needs to be revived..."stoic vs life experience"!? "do you believe in god"!? "war for humanity" O_o! not to mention others, does it have something to do with autumn or what?
So here I introduce Condorito! the funniest character imo and that Im sure most latinamericans know, recently you can find some jokes of him in yahoo, but they are quite lame, Ill post the ones I have without dialog to not have to translate, specially since some of the jokes are language based, so it would be futile to do so.
here we find him and his nephew, Cone, its kind of his son since hes an orphan and Condorito has taken care of him. Cone is like... I suppose kind of like Bart Simpson, only hes more innocent some times.
http://s02.imagehost.org/0205/nuevo-1.jpg
hobobaggins
2004-10-02, 01:26
IT IS REVIVED!
<orion`-`-> what the fuck
<orion`-`-> i think the icecream truck just hit a kid
<orion`-`-> brbrb
<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.
(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 ;)
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....
<YuFFie> SO U HACKING ME THEN HUH
<YuFFie> WElL I GOT NEWS FOR U MISTER I GOT MORE FIREWALL POWERS NOW SO IM SECURE AND IM USING WINDOWS 98 SO IM REALLY SECURE FROM HACKERS LIKE YOU SO YOU BETTA JUST GIVE UP CUZ U GOT NO HOPE MISTER.
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) Quit (Quit: Owned.)
* YuFFie (~mirc@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined #
<YuFFie> HELP MY MOUSE IS MOVING BY IT SELF
<+mOrphz> damn it :/
<@Lego> damn it :/
<+mOrphz> stop that
<@Lego> stop that
<+mOrphz> :D
<@Lego> :D
<+mOrphz> Lego smells
<@Lego> Lego smells
<+mOrphz> /quit
quit: (Lego) (~leet@apex|Lego.user.gamesnet) (Quit)
i love bash.org. need to fine more places of great humor.
"If you put an asian on a stool, and spin him around, does he become dis-oriented?"
as a kid i didnt get any respect. i threatened to run away from home once, and my mom immediatly replied, "On your marks...".
Shadowlord
2004-10-02, 01:46
finally a place to post amusing articles and pics
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/6.jpg
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/10.jpg
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/vehicle.jpg
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/DSC01149.JPG
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/21.jpg
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/23.jpg
I guess i'll stop there, I have many more, but since this isn't an image board, ill stop for now.
Scrumhalf
2004-10-02, 02:08
http://s02.imagehost.org/0212/vehicle.jpg
Gold. :D
If I had to choose between an WRX & a pr0n magazine to bukkake over, it's the car hands down. :heh:
haunterex
2004-10-03, 01:53
I found this (http://www.jengajam.com/r/Chinese-Pepsi-Ad) pretty funny.
BTW, are they actual characters for a Chinese action show?
They arent actual characters, but some of the characters are parodies to some chinese movies of the past.
It's just a commerical trying to pack as many famous actors and singers to gain popularity.
Saw this on another site and litterally couldn't stop laughing :heh:
Click here! (http://www.intrepidsoftware.com/other/bloopers.php)
Originally Posted by Richard Lederer
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Quote:
The World According to Student Bloopers
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Saw this on another site and litterally couldn't stop laughing :heh:
Click here! (http://www.intrepidsoftware.com/other/bloopers.php)
dude!!! my history teacher was telling us these!!!
hobobaggins
2004-10-11, 20:04
this goes in "a laugh a day" thank you very much. because these are hilarious ^^
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
I love this one.
Who wouldn't want to be flashed by a virgin queen? She musta been pretty hot too. Getting flashed by royalty, the soldiers better damn well fight and win.
I think i read that wrong....
hobobaggins
2004-10-11, 21:07
tis revived! and with the coming election this is more than appropriate ^^
Here's a intresting read I found online. Father Son convo. . .
US Policy Made Clear
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, son.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well!, f or one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalist's?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate .
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men. Fifteen of them Saudi Arabians hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?!
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts!, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s! ?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A. Yes! You finally understand how the real world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy.
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