Dating

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

She lives in france, and we have been spitballing around the possibility of meeting - but in the future. In all honesty I don't think I can face asking my parents about it, + I don't have the money right now. And by dating I mean we're seeing how things develop, I like her, she likes me.. we'll see what happens. (btw I am not going to give out my password, and If I did and it got hacked, meh it's only a game ^_^)

Am I the only one thinking that this sounds just a little...naive?

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Yes, we have known each other for about a week, I know it's not really saying much but you know, I'm just seeing how things turn out - I don't plan on rushing things as I have done this before and it totally ruins the relationship. I plan on finding out more about her a little at a time and giving it at least a few months before I decide on what to do next.

Probably a good idea, but don't start those few months before you know what you're dealing with. Anyone can be anyone on the internet. However, because this is a forum, and I'm dealing with real people here, I'll just point out that whatever information I have disclosed here is in fact real. Whatever seems skewed or obscure is so to protect my privacy (hey, I'm a paranoid one, can't blame me).

It makes more sense to, as everyone else has said (or is thinking behind their computer screens, or in my case, mobile phone's) have at least met this person in real life. The fact that she lives in France, and you live in England (presumably) means that such a goal should be attainable, if you ask for permission. It's just a couple of hours to a day drive there by channel tunnel. The same couldn't be said for me, if I wanted to procure a relationship with someone outside Australia, that would need some effort and a lot of money.

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Well, yeah, I said we're 'dating' as we have established we are going out - although I don't treat her much differently aside from the occasional "I have to go now, I love you, goodbye" Sort of thing. Some people might think this rude but again, in my experiance (when I was younger) If you say "babe", "luv you loaddzzzzz", and compliment them every 5 minutes, it may seem like your being kind but it puts them in an awekward position - and they feel embarressed because your treating them different. And yeah, like I said - If it doesn't work online it wont work in real life, I'm just going to take things how they come.

Well, that shouldn't be too bad here, just remember that you can't choose without knowing where you'll land. Yes, the complimenting every 5 minutes thing gets a bit...scary.

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

I really have to disagree with this statement. Everyone is a stranger to begin with, the only way people make friends is by interacting with other people. The easiest place is likely to be in school because you are all forced to go and in the same position. second probably comes club activities/hobbies and then maybe work (online excluded).

Again, a valid point. We really don't know anyone...and now I'm going to get philosophical...and a whole lot of people are going to get pissed.
If we are all strangers, then the concept of family, friends, love and that "bond" is simply the figurement of the mind. We crave company, but in the end we are all individual people.

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

In his shoes maybe he just saw you sitting there alone and thought "that girl looks kind of friendly, maybe i'll talk to her and see if she's a nice person" or maybe he thought something like "She looks a little lonely, I think i'll keep her company for a bit."

I'll cut it short, as it's already taken me 15 minutes to get to this point of my post. People think that...that's mostly how people meet as adults. During school, a relationship is easier to procure because you're kinda forced to attend school. The girls are a bit more cuter and understand that you don't necessarily have the money to buy that large box of chocolates for them every day (although if you can, bonus!!).

Originally Posted by Kafriel

One week isn't long indeed:P
...
I need a lot of time to make sure they actually want to be friends...

Again, so true...and I'm running into the 5524 character limit. Anyway, relationships take time. It takes a while before we build a mental image in our minds that says to us we trust this person.

[Habhome]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Yes, we have known each other for about a week, I know it's not really saying much but you know, I'm just seeing how things turn out - I don't plan on rushing things as I have done this before and it totally ruins the relationship. I plan on finding out more about her a little at a time and giving it at least a few months before I decide on what to do next.

Well, yeah, I said we're 'dating' as we have established we are going out - although I don't treat her much differently aside from the occasional "I have to go now, I love you, goodbye" Sort of thing. Some people might think this rude but again, in my experiance (when I was younger) If you say "babe", "luv you loaddzzzzz", and compliment them every 5 minutes, it may seem like your being kind but it puts them in an awekward position - and they feel embarressed because your treating them different. And yeah, like I said - If it doesn't work online it wont work in real life, I'm just going to take things how they come.

One week, definitely not enough for that decision I say. Trust me. I've been there. You can't claim to be dating yet.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Refrain from the "dating" part until you have met, before that it can only be as most mutual affection.

[yoropa]

I'd disagree on one point Harufox, about how high school relationships require less money because "the girls ... understand that you don't necessarily have the money" is a false statement. At least, for my school. My school is full of ridiculously wealthy people, and well, I'm not. Most students have two houses, a boat, etc. I'm not exaggerating this. As for me, I sometimes skip meals in order to save money. I think adults are more mature and would be more understanding of the financial status of another. Teenage high schoolers don't have to pay bills, they generally don't understand finances. Adults pay bills, so they do.

[Kafriel]

I think that in all cases, girls seem to think that it's proper etiquette for the guy to pay (and I can't really disagree on this). Even at school, most people receive some kind of allowance (oddly enough I never had that sort of thing) and I've known a few guys from my class that saved up specifically for dates...I'd like to know if the females that are observing this thread share the same opinion or not

[synaesthetic]

When it comes to the question of who pays, I personally think the initiator should pay. If you're a guy, and you ask a girl out, you should pay. If she asks you out, she should pay. The guy always having to pay is somewhat unfair, and in my situation there isn't a guy at all, so the person who asks is the person who pays.

[Kaijo]

While I think it's another anachronism that is slowly making it's way out (and should be), the question of who pays can have some subtle effects. Genetically speaking, a woman is looking for a provider for her children, so this custom has evolved out of that. A man who pays, shows he is a good provider, and thus her attraction to him grows.

Obviously, everyone is different. But even among some women who say they don't care, there are some deeper things they themselves might not be totally aware of. Paying for things, does have a chance of hitting that deep part of her; just make sure you're not substituting money and objects for what's important in a relationship.

Still, the guy paying does have it's benefits (and this is coming from a guy), and very little downside. It can suck when you don't have much cash, but that's when you have to get more creative; there are plenty of ways to show her a good time, that are also free, or dirt cheap.

However, as a last note, some women in this day and age can get upset at a guy paying, due to "You think I can't take care of myself?" attitude. Or it can bring the impression of "Will he expect a hand job or a blow job later because he's paying? I'm not comfortable with that."

Bottom line: Talk to her. I'll say, "Would you do me the honor of treating you? It's just in return for the pleasure of your company. If that is alright with you?" Phrase it nicely, and you should be fine. It's just a chance to score some points. ^_^

[Animelover#1]

Hey, don't call me naive ^_^, It's not dating in a traditional sense, I guess we're just learning more about each other. I was talking about it with her today, I don't feel comfortable explaining everything but she did say that she would like to meet me, and I stressed on the point that I was serious and she understood, so thats +1 point.

and again I'm going to say i'm not naive -.- I know perfectly well what I'm doing and I'm a good judge of "bullshitting" and "I'm being serious with you" + I think a week is pretty astonishing. In that week i've spent 5 hours a day talking to her. and we havn't ran out of things to talk about. Thats the longest ever, usually it's just
hi.
hi.
you ok?
yeah u?
yeah, wuu2?
nm, u?
nm.
gtg cya
bye

So meh ^_^

[Habhome]

Originally Posted by synaesthetic

When it comes to the question of who pays, I personally think the initiator should pay. If you're a guy, and you ask a girl out, you should pay. If she asks you out, she should pay. The guy always having to pay is somewhat unfair, and in my situation there isn't a guy at all, so the person who asks is the person who pays.

Me and my girl kind of go by the same principle, but on a grander scale. If she is here in Sweden with me, I'm treating her. If i'm in Czech with her, she's treating me. This is both because the other person bought the flight tickets to even come to the other, but also that that person can communicate with the shop-keepers much better and have a better feel for the currency =P

[ShadowSeed]

Originally Posted by Habhome

Me and my girl kind of go by the same principle, but on a grander scale. If she is here in Sweden with me, I'm treating her. If i'm in Czech with her, she's treating me. This is both because the other person bought the flight tickets to even come to the other, but also that that person can communicate with the shop-keepers much better and have a better feel for the currency =P

Oh, why make such a fuzz of paying a damn bill? If you really are into each other, just say directly: "So, who's going to pay the bill, you or me?" But ALWAYS let the woman make the decision. I've noticed nearly all women like to have the power to choose. If you choose for them they go....hrmph, grumpy.

[Habhome]

Originally Posted by ShadowSeed

Oh, why make such a fuzz of paying a damn bill? If you really are into each other, just say directly: "So, who's going to pay the bill, you or me?" But ALWAYS let the woman make the decision. I've noticed nearly all women like to have the power to choose. If you choose for them they go....hrmph, grumpy.

Regularly I wouldn't make such a fuzz about it, but with her and my situation as it is we ended up doing it like this out of convenience. Makes us both spend roughly the same (The one traveling pays a bit more though) for every time we meet.

[Nogitsune]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

However, as a last note, some women in this day and age can get upset at a guy paying, due to "You think I can't take care of myself?" attitude. Or it can bring the impression of "Will he expect a hand job or a blow job later because he's paying? I'm not comfortable with that."

There are also women who simply are not comfortable having someone pay for them. Dating isn't something that concerns me personally, but if it did, I know I'd be reluctant to let myself be treated to a meal, or anything at all, really. I'd at least buy the one who invited me something nice in return.
I'd never think that they expect a blow job later - I'd laugh in their face if they told me that -, but I suppose you could call it a matter of pride. Equivalent exchange, and all that.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by yoropa

I'd disagree on one point Harufox, about how high school relationships require less money because "the girls ... understand that you don't necessarily have the money" is a false statement. At least, for my school. My school is full of ridiculously wealthy people, and well, I'm not. Most students have two houses, a boat, etc. I'm not exaggerating this. As for me, I sometimes skip meals in order to save money. I think adults are more mature and would be more understanding of the financial status of another. Teenage high schoolers don't have to pay bills, they generally don't understand finances. Adults pay bills, so they do.

Fair enough. Is it safe to assume you attend a prestigious school? I don't, so sometimes people mooch off me for money, to which I reply "Do I look rich to you?". I've skipped out on school lunch to save for my living expenses. Some people find me strange that I can last an entire school day on empty.

Originally Posted by Kafriel

I think that in all cases, girls seem to think that it's proper etiquette for the guy to pay (and I can't really disagree on this). Even at school, most people receive some kind of allowance (oddly enough I never had that sort of thing) and I've known a few guys from my class that saved up specifically for dates...I'd like to know if the females that are observing this thread share the same opinion or not

Originally Posted by ShadowSeed

Oh, why make such a fuzz of paying a damn bill? If you really are into each other, just say directly: "So, who's going to pay the bill, you or me?" But ALWAYS let the woman make the decision. I've noticed nearly all women like to have the power to choose. If you choose for them they go....hrmph, grumpy.

Being partially Cantonese, this tradition spreads a little further. My mum believes it's rude to let your partner's parents pay for a bill. Unfortunately for her, her boyrfriend's parents think it's unethical to let their son's girlfriend foot the bill. They've had fights over who puts the $50 note on the plate before we leave!

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

I think that in all cases, girls seem to think that it's proper etiquette for the guy to pay (and I can't really disagree on this). Even at school, most people receive some kind of allowance (oddly enough I never had that sort of thing) and I've known a few guys from my class that saved up specifically for dates...I'd like to know if the females that are observing this thread share the same opinion or not

At least in the culture where I come from, it is expected for the guy to pay. It is also expected for the guy to at least invite the girl's family and pay to impress the girl's father.

Now, in my own personal case, it just depends. Most times, my fiance pays. I used to try to balance out by paying from time to time, but most times he quickly got in charge because he knew I earned way less. Currently, I am jobless. Yet, I managed to treat him for breakfast the day he left. It's kind of mutual in the sense that we are not really waiting for the other to pay, but we kind of ask each other and decide. Sometimes we've gone half/half too.

[Mystique]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Hey, don't call me naive ^_^, It's not dating in a traditional sense, I guess we're just learning more about each other. I was talking about it with her today, I don't feel comfortable explaining everything but she did say that she would like to meet me, and I stressed on the point that I was serious and she understood, so thats +1 point.

and again I'm going to say i'm not naive -.- I know perfectly well what I'm doing and I'm a good judge of "bullshitting" and "I'm being serious with you" + I think a week is pretty astonishing. In that week i've spent 5 hours a day talking to her. and we havn't ran out of things to talk about. Thats the longest ever, usually it's just
hi.
hi.
you ok?
yeah u?
yeah, wuu2?
nm, u?
nm.
gtg cya
bye

So meh ^_^

Ah, the arrogance of youth.
Gotta love it. xD

Originally Posted by Kafriel

I think that in all cases, girls seem to think that it's proper etiquette for the guy to pay (and I can't really disagree on this). Even at school, most people receive some kind of allowance (oddly enough I never had that sort of thing) and I've known a few guys from my class that saved up specifically for dates...I'd like to know if the females that are observing this thread share the same opinion or not

To answer that...

Originally Posted by Nogitsune

There are also women who simply are not comfortable having someone pay for them. Dating isn't something that concerns me personally, but if it did, I know I'd be reluctant to let myself be treated to a meal, or anything at all, really. I'd at least buy the one who invited me something nice in return.
I'd never think that they expect a blow job later - I'd laugh in their face if they told me that -, but I suppose you could call it a matter of pride. Equivalent exchange, and all that.

I'm one of those.
Ironic isn't it, heh.

Have offended a mate of mine pretty badly cause I don't like being treated/spoiled, I usually will go 50/50 or if they foot the bill, I'll repay it with another occasion, usually costing the same amount in some other way. (whether it be cooking for them but the price of ingrediants = cost of meal, or getting a present that cost around the same, etc)

As it is, I've been working and probably still have to work on letting others spoil me once in a while.
But generally I don't like it, material things disinterest me.
(I have my reasons)
If you've seen the movie "Pretty Woman", when Vivien is at the resturant with 4 forks, 3 spoons, 3 knives, etc and she's completely 'lost' and feels so awkward, yeah that's me, lol.
Cheap, easy going, down to earth dates would be my cup of tea.
Doesn't mean a guy can't be creative with limited money or resources either.

In a general sense Kafriel, I'm not a good example of a 'typical girl/woman' to ask opinions from, rather I break the norm time and time again just being myself

If a guy pays, I guess it's okay, just that the woman (imo) should look to repaying that with a cooked meal, or buying tickets to visit a museum together or something...

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Hey, don't call me naive ^_^, It's not dating in a traditional sense, I guess we're just learning more about each other. I was talking about it with her today, I don't feel comfortable explaining everything but she did say that she would like to meet me, and I stressed on the point that I was serious and she understood, so thats +1 point.

and again I'm going to say i'm not naive -.- I know perfectly well what I'm doing and I'm a good judge of "bullshitting" and "I'm being serious with you" + I think a week is pretty astonishing. In that week i've spent 5 hours a day talking to her. and we havn't ran out of things to talk about. Thats the longest ever, usually it's just
hi.
hi.
you ok?
yeah u?
yeah, wuu2?
nm, u?
nm.
gtg cya
bye

So meh ^_^

Oh, honey, you have a ways to go yet.

I hate to burst your bubble, because you're obviously happy about this and excited, but even if you can talk to her for five hours straight over just about anything, a week is hardly enough time to know anybody and decide that the person is suitable romantic partner material. You have to take the time to build up a friendship first, really feel like you know and trust the person, before you take that next step into dating. And even though you say you aren't "dating" in the traditional sense, you've still made a change to your relationship with her, and neither of you has known the other all that long.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

Hey, don't call me naive ^_^, It's not dating in a traditional sense, I guess we're just learning more about each other. I was talking about it with her today, I don't feel comfortable explaining everything but she did say that she would like to meet me, and I stressed on the point that I was serious and she understood, so thats +1 point.

and again I'm going to say i'm not naive -.- I know perfectly well what I'm doing and I'm a good judge of "bullshitting" and "I'm being serious with you" + I think a week is pretty astonishing. In that week i've spent 5 hours a day talking to her. and we havn't ran out of things to talk about. Thats the longest ever, usually it's just
hi.
hi.
you ok?
yeah u?
yeah, wuu2?
nm, u?
nm.
gtg cya
bye

So meh ^_^

okay, that's 2 points to you. At this point I can't think of any counter arguments on this one.

5 hours? Where does that time come from? I hope you aren't speaking continuously here, 5 hours in front of a computer is not healthy for the body.

Okay, so she wants to meet you. That's fair, but as you pointed out, how are you going to provision the request to your parents (translation: how are you going to tell mum and dad)? "Hey, I want to meet this person, she lives in France" is almost surely going to get you a "No way, wait till you're older." or the more vague cliche "We'll see", which to anyone who's familiar with parenting, translates to a big "not in your life".

My recommendation is that you ask your parents about this person you have been talking to. Don't make it obvious your intention is to date this girl, or else you might be pulled into a rather lengthy lecture about the dangers of predators on the internet (trust me, I know from the hard way).

The chances that your parents will even remotely think about saying yes are pretty slim. You must have some pretty gutsy parents or pretty carefree ones to have them say yes.

Another way is to try and convince your parents that "Yeah, France is a good idea for a holiday", and then just tell her that you might be in the area sometime soon, and sort of "accidently" run into her, then ask your parents if she could hang out. Crazy as it sounds, that might just work.

Just so people don't think I've lost the plot, I am in no way condoning this or even pushing for this to happen. I agree with 95% of the opinions here that say you're really jumping off the deep end here.

[hinakatbklyn]

Originally Posted by Animelover#1

and again I'm going to say i'm not naive -.- I know perfectly well what I'm doing and I'm a good judge of "bullshitting" and "I'm being serious with you" + I think a week is pretty astonishing. In that week i've spent 5 hours a day talking to her. and we havn't ran out of things to talk about. Thats the longest ever,

The good: The fact that you have alot to talk about in such a short time is impressive. It's a start.

The bad: If not spread out, you might run out of things to talk about just as quickly.
When you say "you know what your doing", does that mean you witnessed a similar scenario or have you met someone before the one you are currently seeing? Some know what they're doing at a young age, and some could be older than me and still don't know what they're doing when it comes to this scenario. (Me included)

While online dating is not a bad thing, the important thing is actually getting to know more about each other. How long it takes, it's for both of you to decide. Seeing each other either in person or online is also important. Things can change for better or worse when you actually meet face to face. But there's still time for that so don't rush too quickly.

[Kaijo]

Dating is simply doing things together that allow you two to get to know each other better, and see if you can make a relationship together. To that end, online dating is fine, and pretty safe for meeting lots of strangers. Of course, you can't know for sure until you do some real life dating, but online can get you a lot of information.

[yoropa]

Originally Posted by Harufox

Fair enough. Is it safe to assume you attend a prestigious school? I don't, so sometimes people mooch off me for money, to which I reply "Do I look rich to you?". I've skipped out on school lunch to save for my living expenses. Some people find me strange that I can last an entire school day on empty.

You have no idea. There have been friendships broken simply because one guy found out another guy only had one house, and wanted to distance himself from "poverty" even though the guy with one house had a friggin sweet house. I'm not making this up. It's disgusting people.

If it was in my power to pay for every meal for a potential girlfriend you know I would. It is not in my power to do that without me dying of starvation first. I luckily scored a job right during the economic downfall and am still holding on to it, so there's still hope for a cheap bloke like me... financially speaking. Relationship wise, I think there is none. Heck a lot of people in my school are led to believe that I am incapable of feeling complex emotions like love... though they'd be wrong. XD

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Dating is simply doing things together that allow you two to get to know each other better, and see if you can make a relationship together. To that end, online dating is fine, and pretty safe for meeting lots of strangers. Of course, you can't know for sure until you do some real life dating, but online can get you a lot of information.

I get what you're saying, but IMO part of what makes or breaks an attempt at dating is how well you know your partner before you actually take that step and decide "Okay, I like/trust this person enough to want to see them as a romantic partner". Obviously, a large part of dating is getting to do things together to better know someone, but at the same time I still think it helps to know and trust the person well before you decide to take that next step and date them.