2011-10-13, 04:00 | Link #4122 |
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
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Hello!
So, this is me, finally de-lurking - nice to meet you all! Now, so as not to be completely off topic, here is the first chapter of what I hink is going to turn out to be an epic AU, what-if Claymore fic. I would be really thankful to know what people think of it, and any constructive criticism would be very much appreciated! Also, this focuses a lot on Teresa and baby Clare, so don't read if you're a rabid Teresa and/or Clare hater - are there any actual rabid haters in this fandom? Spoiler for The Road Not Taken - Chapter One:
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2011-10-14, 21:35 | Link #4123 | |
Every word must conjure
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I like it that you've chosen to align your narrative to a young Clare. It ups the ante, and the expectations that readers have. To clarify my point, I don't think Clare was a 'baby', but probably several years old. At least that's the impression that I get from reading. The thoughts, reactions, general worldview seem to be of a young child. If that's the feel you were looking for, then it's quite spot-on. I like your style, the way you pack the action. One paragraph seems to only contain 1-2 major ideas or movements. But watch your sentences. They tend to be a contrast to your succinct paragraphs. Also, I'm a bit worried about the future chapters. Partly because as a reader I don't have much idea on what the direction will be, except that it's an AU. Also, depending on both how AU-ish & grounded in the canon the story will be, I hope it won't just be a step-by-step detailed revision of the first few chapters of the manga. Do you have another FFN/ FPress account so anyone else here can see your previous pieces?
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2011-10-15, 23:26 | Link #4124 | |
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
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Also, I can assure you that this is most definitely NOT a rewrite of canon - things are going to be very different, though I can't say anymore yet. i should be posting the second chapter here soon, so you can see for yourself then! Thank you very much for your concrit, but I'm not quite sure what you meant about the sentences - that they're too long, or wordy? I'm not the best at dialogue, so any advice there is very welcomed! And finally, yeah, I have a fanfic.net account, but this is my only Claymore story, and also my first story in, like, a year, so it's probably not that useful - I'm incandescentkitsune there (not sure how to link.) Once again, thank you so much for commenting!
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2011-10-16, 03:04 | Link #4125 | |
Every word must conjure
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What I meant is dialogue is best left as it is, or to stand alone with a speech tag (e.g "Let's go," she said.) In your case you describe dialogue & action together, which I felt clutters the flow of your story.
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2011-10-16, 05:16 | Link #4126 | |
Junior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
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Well, the second chapter will be posted soon, so you can tell me if I've improved on that aspect or not!
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2011-10-19, 17:34 | Link #4127 |
Dark Lord of Animesuki
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: The Kingdom of Orange...you can't beat the Cuse, in basketball or snowfall!
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6610358/...r_eyed_Empress
The latest chapter is out for everyone's enjoyment!
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2011-10-19, 18:51 | Link #4128 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
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I kept seeing the artwork for the Silver Eyed Empress and so I finally decided to read what you posted Revan5. It appears pretty damn legit, but I had a Captain Obvious moment when I considered that I would know more of what was going on if I just started reading the chapter 1 first.
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2011-10-23, 16:11 | Link #4129 | |
Dark Lord of Animesuki
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: The Kingdom of Orange...you can't beat the Cuse, in basketball or snowfall!
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This is how he imagines Claire's daughter Teresa growing up to look like. Everyone can have fun imagining less-than-totally-serious Teresa giving her uber-serious mom problems.
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2011-10-23, 16:20 | Link #4130 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
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One quick question for you Reven5. Are you a European history major/grad student by chance? Reading the names of the characters reminded me of European nobility and that seems like a subtle factor that a history major would have up their sleeves.
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2011-10-23, 16:30 | Link #4131 |
Dark Lord of Animesuki
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: The Kingdom of Orange...you can't beat the Cuse, in basketball or snowfall!
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What? Accusing a grad student of International Relations whose second love is history of knowing European nobility? Shocking! Alright Nixl, since you seem to be catching onto my tendencies, just which characters/their names are inspired by historical European nobility? Of course there's a whole other side to the story's inspirations in the names. I would invite you to think about the last name "Havel" for a moment and think about who in Eastern Europe of some importance a few decades ago shared that name.
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2011-10-23, 16:54 | Link #4132 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
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Aha! I knew it. For a claymore fanfiction, it is also reads like a Medieval European story of family succession and/or power-plays. There is far too much consideration of politics, family/faction relations, and selective marriages for it be made by anyone other than an European history enthusiast. Although, international relations was my second guess.
Give me a second to remember Havel, I am drawing a blank at the moment since I was a major of History with Asian studies. edit: The only thing I can come up with is Valcav Havel, the former Czech dissident turned president. |
2011-10-30, 19:12 | Link #4133 |
The Isley
Join Date: Oct 2011
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There's a guy on Deviant Art who draws his own Claymore Doujinshi and OCs. His art looks almost exactly like Yagi's (so it's really really good) and his concepts are really creative. He's only uploaded the pages in parts but they're all fantastic I'll find a link. My favorite of his characters is the number 6 of Isley's generation that he made, Samuel of White Aria, he's a young kid who used to hum songs to himself when he killed Yoma (hence the name).
Here's the link to his Gallery. His "Awa Doujinshi", "Awakened", and "Claymore" sub-galleries all have Claymore stuff. Here are some of my favorites: Claymore Riful: Spoiler:
OC Claymore Sarah: Spoiler:
OC Claymore Samuel (Awakened Human Form): Spoiler:
OC Sarah vs Teresa Spoiler:
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2011-12-06, 15:26 | Link #4135 | |
Always Pondering......
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Hi there,
It has been a long time since I last posted here, on any particular subject, but with good reason as other things, and IRL, have been keeping me busy . Still, it is nice to be back and with some news too. As some may recall, I conceived and completed a short story series titled "Strange Consorts" - the peculiar tale of a meeting between a young Raki and Luciela of the South, and what came to pass for them. Expressing interest in continuing the stories, and with much good reception, I have been planning and considering when I could and am pleased to finally offer the first part of a new work - "Strange Consorts: Bad for Business" The first part can be found below: Quote:
I hope this stirs some consideration and enjoyment in this continuing unusual friendship between the boy and the Abyssal One. Blue Pentacle.
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Last edited by Blue Pentacle; 2011-12-10 at 13:47. |
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2011-12-07, 14:14 | Link #4136 |
Thread Hijacker
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In a hole, I just need to dig myself out
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Firstly, I just want to point out how sad it is that the fanfiction thread now seems to be joining the other threads into fading -- aside from the image thread (which may eventually join the same fate), I thought this one would never fade like all the others...but nobody commented on Dany's fic? It's sad...
But not to worry Blue - I was pretty much your primary, and only, reviewer really so that doesn't change I'm happy to see this story finally gets it's long-awaited sequel -- your take is so interesting because, as I told you before, rather then going for an epic that involves tons of characters, the fate of the island etc....you focus purely and especially on one thing, which is what we want the most of anyway: Character development. You focus purely and solely on their relationship that it, in a way, more then makes up for everything else. It can make your style overwhelming, as it was for me in the beginning....but I've grown accustomed to your style; I would nitpick and critique, but I'm passed that really -- you've plainly decided to stick with the way you've been writing since the first chapter, and really, at this point, I'm used to it so it really doesn't matter anyway. And as far as errors in this chapter, nitpicking is really all I can say, which, at this point, It's not worth it anymore.....the old errors like, Raki isn't really from the Southern region (better translations put him in the Southern part of Lautrec...the West; Riful territory), which isn't confirmed to be named "Mucha".....Luciella could only have been weakened by other Abyssals or beings on her level no matter how many or how strong.....etc; nitpicks which, at this point, isn't even worth bringing up anymore. Really, I don't even want to critique about anything to be honest -- in general, I'm just happy that a new chapter has been made. We have your overwhelming detail as usual which, while in someways is excessive, truly pulls you into the world in a way few have done before; your creativity in coming up with the various town names (and making the central region much more populated - aside from Rabona, their really isn't any notable city-states or towns)...again, rather then focusing on the bigger events with the various main characters, warriors etc....you focus solely and purely on Raki and Luciella in this big big world which is something truly unique and grossly needed more. Really, if their is one true critique, it's this -- this chapter, has no title...it's fine if you don't want to make any, since the last story didn't for any of the chapters; however, the story is called "Strange Consorts: Bad for Business"....in the spoiler tag however, you write only "Part 1" which makes it imply that BFB is the name of the chapter and this is part 1, of chapter 1. You should clarify and probably edit this to make it better. I'm curious about what kind of business these people are running; no doubt illicit and dark -- if I had to guess, perhaps slave-traders, people working with the Org to supply children, the mining camps....hell, maybe even something involving women which places Luciella under watchful eyes as well. It definitely sounds enticing as it's something, again, that is difficult to guess at because, in general, it's rare that such focus is put on things like this. Their's alot I feel I could say, but I do want to stay on topic, and really, the message I'm saying is a simple one -- that it's good you're continuing the story and a new one has been made to enjoy.
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Last edited by Shiek927; 2011-12-07 at 15:53. |
2011-12-10, 14:14 | Link #4137 |
Always Pondering......
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Thank you, Shiek927.
It is good to hear your considered reviews again and I do appreciate the points raised; familiar and understood but I am glad that you have enjoyed the first part. I am also happy to hear that my intentions seemed to be realised in the course of the text, and that the relationship between Raki and Luciela remains a central draw for readers . You do raise good points in regards to where the story may go, and I hope that the next part will answer some questions and add further texture to the world, as it is. Thanks again for your reviews .
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2011-12-14, 15:35 | Link #4138 |
Dark Lord of Animesuki
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: The Kingdom of Orange...you can't beat the Cuse, in basketball or snowfall!
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Spoiler for RBN's first efforts at visualizing "Claymore: New Era" as a manga:
If you ever wondered why Shiek doesn't sympathize with my complaints that he never reads my work, you now know why. Ironically this may be harder for him to ignore, as he can actually enjoy this as a manga.
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2011-12-22, 09:55 | Link #4140 | |
Puff The Magic Dragon
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA!!!
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Except the stuff about Deneve, but other than that it was pretty funny
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